I need some advice with my 'live-in' - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Acetylene · 03-03-2005, 01:50 PM

Ok, so, silent treatment is not acceptable.

Neither is it acceptable to get all prideful and "refuse" to "go chasing after her." This is a mutually destructive situation and one of you must give in first. If you are really so mature, then you will be able to swallow your pride and apologize for nagging. Silent treatment MUST not be allowed to continue because it WILL destroy your relationship.

There are already tons of good suggestions on the board here so I will add only one. As has been said, when you clean, clean only your own mess. However, don't just leave her mess out there where it will drive you nuts. Instead, put it all in a pile someplace where it is in her way, like on her side of the bed. Then, say "I put all your stuff in [x location], so you can put it away when you get a chance." This is how my mother always used to deal with the problem of being the only one who cleaned, and it kept her sane and the house neat. It's also easier for the non-cleaner because they have a very clear pile to remove, not a generic "clean the house" command.

DO NOT use this as a punishment or a way to make a pointed comment, like putting food garbage on top of her clothes. Be as mature as you say you are and be a good example.

One last thing...you have said over and over that you think she is being disrespectful. Well, different people, unfortunately, have different ideas of respect. To her, you are likely being disrespectful by constantly criticising her. If she thought leaving stuff around meant disrespect, then she would not be doing it. Simple as that. No one wakes up in the morning and says "today I think I'll be rude and obnoxious."

Sorry for the harsh tone but the situation seems to have gotten out of hand and you need to take serious action. Let your pride sit this one out.

hossified · 03-04-2005, 10:26 AM

so we finally had a 'talk' in a public place so there was no over-reacting. She was purposely being messy, as a way to piss me off, because whe was angry with me for some things that went on like 2 months ago. She isn't very good about discussing problems, and than everything seems to come out once every 2 months or so. So we are back to being 'good' for now, and I hope that we can talk more about stuff, so it doesn't bottleneck like this in the future......I gotta be honest though that I am not very hopeful that it actually will happen. She has been like this since I met her!

Jackebear · 03-04-2005, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spicy McHaggis

This is why I always recomend people living together before they get married. I couldn't imagine moving in after the honeymoon and THEN realizing that you can't live together without driving each other nuts! Then it's too late to get out!

You never truly know someone until you share the same space

Good advice, especially in this day and age. We seem to be more picky about the little things than our parents were. Of course, some couples are going to be able to work through the small stuff but if you start to have a pit in your stomach, my advice is to listen to it. I lived with my ex for a year and for 6 months I was sick everyday. Finally, I said to myself..."if you love someone...set them free" (Sting) and called it quits. Worst time of my life but after a while I realized I was glad I found out before we spent $20,000 on the marriage.

So, listen to your gut...it's a lot smarter than you think. Good luck.

OFKU0 · 03-04-2005, 09:29 PM

You are both looking for an excuse to end the relationship but either of you have the guts to do it, for fear of being blamed for it. What you described, I lived it too. End it and find happiness with someone who is on, or tries to be on the same page.

KinkyKiwi · 03-07-2005, 04:59 PM

wow, i'm so nervous about my relationship going further.. hes a pretty clean person..or should i say organized... i'm like possesive ..and i'm a germ freak but like i literally arrange all my clothes in outfits all over the floor..and i get freaked out if anyone moves my stuff..i just never really thought of us having other issiues besides the ones we already have ...:/

ruggerp11 · 03-08-2005, 03:14 AM

As hard as it is, leave everything that is hers around and pick up and clean up just after yourself. After a while you can see if she will eventually do it and if she doesnt then you can point out during your 'talk' that everything that is laying around is hers. Nothing like a little demonstration. I think that this way you could show her just how much you are doing for her.

As for the TV put it up on the wall or something so the cat can't get to it.

ScottKuma · 03-08-2005, 05:38 AM

When I was living with my good friend and his live-in-girlfriend, we had much the same problem -- the girl was a freakin' slob! She would make breakfast, then leave her plate with dried egg, crusts of toast with jelly, etc. on the counter to petrify.

I tried very hard not to clean up after her and to ask her nicely to do so herself. She NEVER got the hint.

So one day I started piling those dishes under her side of their bed. After their bedroom started to smell and she found the dishes, she confronted me. I (politely, but in a "fuck-you" voice) told her that I didn't live that way and that if she wanted to, then she could do so in her own space.

Now, admittedly, this might not work for YOUR girlfriend. It did work for this gal. My buddy got a bit peeved at me (probably because his gf gave HIM the what-for), but my point got across.

pules · 03-09-2005, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hossified

so we finally had a 'talk' in a public place so there was no over-reacting. She was purposely being messy, as a way to piss me off, because whe was angry with me for some things that went on like 2 months ago. She isn't very good about discussing problems, and than everything seems to come out once every 2 months or so. So we are back to being 'good' for now, and I hope that we can talk more about stuff, so it doesn't bottleneck like this in the future......I gotta be honest though that I am not very hopeful that it actually will happen. She has been like this since I met her!

Dude!!! Honestly??? why do you put up with it? I know you've been dating forever (hehe) but for her to be a bitch because of something that happened 2 months ago,,,,c'mon. You're not in jr or high school any more. You're freaken' 27.....it's time get over that and talk about things.

I've been with my gf for the last 6 years. She's moved in with me for the last 7 weeks. I'm a lot "cleaner" than her and at times I do nag (my bother always complains about that) but I hate living in a dirty place. After the first week of her moving in, I told her to pick up after herself and it's not the best, but she has improved a lot.

If your chick is not able extend the same respect to you, WHY PUT UP WITH IT?

(dude....when I read the cat close to the tv thing, I almost fainted, bc I too have a $2500 tv with my own cat.....)

I know it sounds hard, but you really might want to tell her....."look, we tried, but it's just not working out. You either grow up or we're done"

Also, just for shits and giggles, have her read this post. Walk away from her for couple of hours and let her reflect on what she has read. Hopefully it will open up her eyes. You're giving her so much and for her to be a bitch in return is not fair for you. You deserve better.

03-03-2005, 01:50 PM	#41 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	Ok, so, silent treatment is not acceptable. Neither is it acceptable to get all prideful and "refuse" to "go chasing after her." This is a mutually destructive situation and one of you must give in first. If you are really so mature, then you will be able to swallow your pride and apologize for nagging. Silent treatment MUST not be allowed to continue because it WILL destroy your relationship. There are already tons of good suggestions on the board here so I will add only one. As has been said, when you clean, clean only your own mess. However, don't just leave her mess out there where it will drive you nuts. Instead, put it all in a pile someplace where it is in her way, like on her side of the bed. Then, say "I put all your stuff in [x location], so you can put it away when you get a chance." This is how my mother always used to deal with the problem of being the only one who cleaned, and it kept her sane and the house neat. It's also easier for the non-cleaner because they have a very clear pile to remove, not a generic "clean the house" command. DO NOT use this as a punishment or a way to make a pointed comment, like putting food garbage on top of her clothes. Be as mature as you say you are and be a good example. One last thing...you have said over and over that you think she is being disrespectful. Well, different people, unfortunately, have different ideas of respect. To her, you are likely being disrespectful by constantly criticising her. If she thought leaving stuff around meant disrespect, then she would not be doing it. Simple as that. No one wakes up in the morning and says "today I think I'll be rude and obnoxious." Sorry for the harsh tone but the situation seems to have gotten out of hand and you need to take serious action. Let your pride sit this one out. __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

03-04-2005, 09:29 PM	#44 (permalink)
OFKU0 Junk	You are both looking for an excuse to end the relationship but either of you have the guts to do it, for fear of being blamed for it. What you described, I lived it too. End it and find happiness with someone who is on, or tries to be on the same page. __________________ " In Canada, you can tell the most blatant lie in a calm voice, and people will believe you over someone who's a little passionate about the truth." David Warren, Western Standard.

03-07-2005, 04:59 PM	#45 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	wow, i'm so nervous about my relationship going further.. hes a pretty clean person..or should i say organized... i'm like possesive ..and i'm a germ freak but like i literally arrange all my clothes in outfits all over the floor..and i get freaked out if anyone moves my stuff..i just never really thought of us having other issiues besides the ones we already have ...:/ __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

03-08-2005, 03:14 AM	#46 (permalink)
ruggerp11 Cautiously soaring Location: exploring my new home in SF	As hard as it is, leave everything that is hers around and pick up and clean up just after yourself. After a while you can see if she will eventually do it and if she doesnt then you can point out during your 'talk' that everything that is laying around is hers. Nothing like a little demonstration. I think that this way you could show her just how much you are doing for her. As for the TV put it up on the wall or something so the cat can't get to it. __________________ Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. --Mark Twain Do What makes you happy --Me BUT! "Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

03-08-2005, 05:38 AM	#47 (permalink)
ScottKuma Insane Location: Maineville, OH	When I was living with my good friend and his live-in-girlfriend, we had much the same problem -- the girl was a freakin' slob! She would make breakfast, then leave her plate with dried egg, crusts of toast with jelly, etc. on the counter to petrify. I tried very hard not to clean up after her and to ask her nicely to do so herself. She NEVER got the hint. So one day I started piling those dishes under her side of their bed. After their bedroom started to smell and she found the dishes, she confronted me. I (politely, but in a "fuck-you" voice) told her that I didn't live that way and that if she wanted to, then she could do so in her own space. Now, admittedly, this might not work for YOUR girlfriend. It did work for this gal. My buddy got a bit peeved at me (probably because his gf gave HIM the what-for), but my point got across. __________________ A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take from you everything you have. -Gerald R. Ford GoogleMap Me

03-04-2005, 10:26 AM	#42 (permalink)
hossified face f$cker Location: canada	so we finally had a 'talk' in a public place so there was no over-reacting. She was purposely being messy, as a way to piss me off, because whe was angry with me for some things that went on like 2 months ago. She isn't very good about discussing problems, and than everything seems to come out once every 2 months or so. So we are back to being 'good' for now, and I hope that we can talk more about stuff, so it doesn't bottleneck like this in the future......I gotta be honest though that I am not very hopeful that it actually will happen. She has been like this since I met her!