Questions about past sexual experiences to my wife...(more info)
 

me 26 my wife 31, 2 yrs maried yesterday so we went for a nice dinner wile my sister in law watched our daughter... wile out we talked and laughed... she works at a high school and she told me about a student who she is working with that stares at her boobs all the time... my wife btw has an amazing pair of boobs super nice 38Ds. anyhow... i told her that turned me on.. how a young guy is checking out my wife... she started to laugh and said he is a senior in HS... just a young perv... i said heck i didn't look at boobs just cause i dunno what they where when i was in HS... anyhow... that is how our sex talk started.. i told her that since our daughter was born very oddly do we have a good sex session.. we talked about some good ones we have had... a couple came up but not lots... I asked about what she likes what turns her on about our sex life... we really have never talked about this in this mater.... well anyhow.. later on the drive home i asked about the past... crazyest place... and what kind of diferent senarios she has been involved in.... she was hessitant... said " i rather not talk about past experiences.. i woudn't wana know about you in the past laid out with someone....... also said that everytime she has spoken about her past she has been judged... i explained that she is my wife and i would never judge her about past experiences... si just wana get into her sexuality and have a more seductive sex life..... she then went on to say that she had had sex but for the wrong reasons... that trew me off... she said this as we where pulling into the driveway and then she said that it was wierd that all of a sudden i wana know and I'm asking... i said that i have been reading up on stuff about satisfying your lover.. she giggled.... then she said"well i want to tell you about everything but i have to think about this." i said fine....

well now i'm bouncing off the walls... what is it that she did to not want to tell me or that she had sex with someone for the wrong reasons?? what kind of sex??? or did something that someone would judge her over!?!?!?

i dunno what to do or what to expect... any ladies out there can put my mind at ease ...

maybe some advice how to bring this up again.. because i have a feeling she will not.

Would you want to know if she fucked anything that moved? Probably not. As hard as it will be, forget about it until she decides she want to tell you.

I'm kinda with your wife, I find it strange that after being married for two years and a child, you finally ask questions about her sexual history. It doesn't sound like something that she's proud of and wants to relive, and now she's got a lot more riding on it if you don't like the answers that she gives you.

If it hasn't mattered in the past two years, it shouldn't matter now, she's still the same woman you married.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Yeah, don't push it - she loves you, you love her - enjoy one another from scratch, don't get into what happened in the past.

Whatever she says could have the potential for spoiling your relationship - I mean if she says too much, you might not like it, or if she doesn't say enough, you're going to think she's holding back.

I asked an ex this very same thing, and she told me about one time when she was with these two guys...Well, it kind of made me feel weird - here was the woman who might be the mother of my child, and she's been done by two guys at the same time.

Yeah, I know, I should have no hangups, or anything - but I think the worst thing was, that no matter what I ever did, I could never be two guys at the same time, it kind of made me feel a bit icky.

Today, I might have dealt with it slightly better, I'm more rounded, more experienced and I realise that I've changed myself a lot since I was 20 - I could probably accept that someone else could go through a whole host of experiences, and love them for who they are today - but it might still be a risk.

Anyway, I hope you get my point.

She is still an independent human being and is allowed to own her past. If she doesn't want to share the details with you, respect her wishes. If she ever tells you, it will be when she is ready and feels comfortable enough to.

I don't think it's healthy to keep secrets. Don't push her too much and she should eventually tell you.

What I find strange is that you're talking about this NOW. I can't imagine being in a committed relationship with someone--let alone MARRIED to them--without having aired all this dirty laundry already.

Whatever comes up, your only job is to roll with it. It's water under the bridge, she's yours now. Hear and don't judge.

Personally, I dont ask when I'm with someone exclusively, because I dont want to mess anything up (even if it's only messed up in my head). I dont want to hear the answer because, like zen_tom said, if it's too much I'll think I'm dating a whore, and if it's too little I'll think she's lying.

Just go watch Chasing Amy and forget about it.

Listen to this man. He is wise.

This is why I think its best to leave past experiences in the PAST. You're a little curious and you think you want to know so you ask. After a little coercion she drops a few tantalizing comments but doesn't really disclose. Now you're stuck with your imagination throttle pegged wide open and no resolution! This is the sort of thing that drives people insane and can cause relationship hiccups as well. She never tells you and you've got a big question mark in your head forever, an itch you can never scratch. She tells you and it turns out to be something you can't handle then you've got even bigger problems and a vision in your head that freaks you out. If she tells you and its no big deal then you are lucky but probably wonder then if she's telling you the truth since her story seens so tame. The safest bet is just live for today and find your own fun kinky sex groove the two of you can enjoy. Besides, if she says "Well X guy used to do X thing to me and it really lit my fire!" then when You do X thing you might wonder if she's thinking about you or the originator of the X move. While sometimes hard to do, I've learned to leave intimate details about the past alone.

I'm at the other side of this, my wife wanted to share more details of her prior sex life than I really wanted to hear. I'm really not sure there is any good that will come from a total accounting of partners and practices. Neither of us were virgins when we started dating, both of us got tested for STDs when we first started sleeping together. I'm aware that her sexual history is greater than mine.

I really don't want to know about her exploits with 3 guys or any variety of barnyard animals (just kidding). It seems irrelevant at this point.

I understand the curiosity, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. She will choose to let you in on some situations when she is comfortable, but try not to dig to deep. If things are censored they are done for your benifit

You cant change the past, just be thankful that your past lives intersected at some point. What you did to get there or how you got there is not relevant. I wouldn't press it, she's not comfortable with it. It may not be anywhere near what you are thinking, its just that's she's not comfortable talking about it. Respect that and go forward.

take a look at my .sig, I think that pretty much sums it up.

thank you for all the advice.... let me tell you guys about how we got together... well we knew eachother for about 4 months before we even went out... once we started going out we where inseparable... so much that i doubt i ever went back to where i resided unless to get clothes and things i needed... we found that we where perfect in bed together.. all she did and all i did in the bedroom would satify eachother greatly... more than any other woman i had ever been with. she of course said the same when i told her this once we started having sex... eventually all that doing it like rabbits we got careless and out came our lovely daughter... once we found we where pregnant we started our wedding plans... had a big wedding 4 months later and are very happy together... but after she had the kid the sex life went down the drain.. no time.. and she is very self concious about her body after the pregnancy which is totally normal. I find her super atractive ... let her change in front of me and i got a hard on in a sec... but she stops me because of how she feels about herself.. she has started going to the gym and working out... and everything is going back to where it was... hehehe wich is turning me on even more.... anyhow i read up on things here and other places and found that talking sometimes works well ... about sex i mean.. so far so good exept for this past things... i guess i;m interested cause i never got to do any of what i fantasize about... just mostly regular sex... i always was curious about mfm and fmf but never did anything of that sort... and i wanted to see if she has and what her experiences are with it... maybe it was the wrong way to aproach it?? i dunno...

Why don't you straight up and say to her that you have these fantasies, and you just wanted to know if she had experiance with them and if it was something she enjoyed and would want to do again if she has.

Chances are if yor very specific and explain the why very clearly she will be more likely to share that information.

Sometimes the direct aproach is needed.

Maybe she cheated on you prior to you two getting married. Or else it could be that she was involved in some crazy stuff like orgies and multiple partners... or maybe she even did a brief stint in pornography.

Bottom line, maybe the stuff she'd done in her past it too much for you to handle and she knows you don't really wanna know despite your curiosity. Honestly, how would you feel if she admitted to you that when she was in college she used to get passed-out drunk at parties and wake up with random guys or that the whole football team ran a train on her?

I don't mean to sound harsh, jorgev, but you should've found out all there is to find out about her past before getting married to her and especially before having a child with her. Brace for impact, son.

First I would advise you to take an English class. Secondly, like everyone else, I would advise you to just chill, and let her come to you when she wants to tell. If you force her, she might explode with emotions.

la petite... i guess i'm used to typing this kind of thing wile chatting so my posts look like a one way conversation... sorry...

sounds like someone needs to go rent chasing amy

If you have certain fantasies you'd like to explore I'd reccommend just talking with her about those as opposed to delving into her past to see if she has had experiences that would make her open to such things. It just seems that it would be more worthwhile to explore what sort of new things she might be willing to try with you (the man she loves and married!) than what she's done in the past with guys she might prefer to forget.

The thing is, you started with one question "What turns you on?" and converted it to another question "What is your sexual history?" These are two VERY different questions. If you want to become tuned in to your wife's sexual desires, you only need the answer to question number one. If you want to have an indepth conversation that will potentially involve a tremendous amount of pain, guilt, discomfort, destructive dialog - then feel free to ask question number two.

Question 1 gets you good lovin'.
Question 2 gets you bad feelings.

VERY good point.

Re Chasing Amy: Go ahead and rent it, but keep your finger on the mute button. Any time that girl speaks I want to claw my fucking eyes out. Most. Annoying. Voice. Ever.

/threadjack continues/
What was even worse about her voice, is that her "high note" matched some sort of resonance point in my television, so the entire thing would vibrate whenever she was upset.
/end threadjack/

If she doesn't want to tell you, she probably knows that it will hurt you and you will never get over it. Let's suppose she was a hooker. Honestly now, how you ever going to make love to her again. You'll think, did she do this with all the guys,...who were the guys,..where did they do it,..etc.

If it is like this scenerio, you'll ruin your marriage. It will consume you. Everday will go by and you'll think of it. When you both run into her old friends, your first thought will be,..did she fuck him too?

Of course she will ease into it slowly only giving a fraction of the details to monitor your reaction. To much shock and awe from you with very little revealed will ruin you, because you will think the worst. Just like giving a dog people food, they never look at their food the same again.

If you need to know, pursue it. If it fucks up your life, at least you know. But even if it doesn't, you'll never forget. She had a life before you. Now she is your child's mother.

I'm gonna follow the mass here and say that some things are best left untold. I found out the hard way - sort of. My girlfriend only slept with one other person before me, and she was my first. Just thinking of that guy with her makes me sick to my stomach now... I know the guy, and hated him before I knew they had sex, now I have nightmares about this guy and her, it eats at me every living moment - but the fact is, I love this girl more than anything, and willing to let her past go, and would be very willing to have never found out about it anyhow. What I guess I'm trying to say here is the same thing everyone else has said: forget about it, you don't need some mental picture sticking with you for the rest of your life that you know to be true - it will be far worse than whatever you've conjured in your mind, for the sheer fact that you know it to be true.

Good luck, and hope everything turns out okay between you and her. :thumbsup:

This isn't something that you would want to pressure your wife with, it's often difficult to speak of past sexual relations, maybe she feels uneasy speaking about it with you. Give her time, and honestly, I understand that you want to know about her sexual past but what good will it do for you? Does it affect your relationship? Does how many people she's been with in the past affect you? If so,then you need to speak to her about it, if not, just let it go, it shouldn't be something to lose sleep over. I am sure she doesn't feel proud of things she's done in the past and doesn't want to bring it up, especially since you're her husband. Just respect that she wants to leave it alone. I am sure one day she will tell you of her sexual past. Until then, just respect her desires to keep it to herself.

just be honest and up front with her and tell her about your desires. as for knowing about her previous sexual experiences, it's been two years!!!!!! does it really matter? as long as she's willing to work with you on the current state of your sex life, what's the big deal? if she tells ya, she tells ya. if she doesnt, don't worry about it because you know she loves you more than anything in the world and that's all that should matter :)

I totally agree, I've been married for 6 months, and we got all our dirty laundry out of the closet before we where married, infact our preacher suggested the same thing. IMHO this is very important to build trust when going into a relationship, as for what to do 2 years later, Talk to her about how you feel about how you feel and don't press the issue.

I mean... what if she had sex with Lumbergh?

The past is the past. She loves YOU, she married YOU. Whatever she did before was before. It made her who she is now...that is: the woman you love, the woman who bore your child. I did stuff in the past that I wouldn't do now, lessons learned. Experiences shape us...her apparent embarrassment about her past is unneccessary. Your need to know is unwarranted.
The issue is how to make your sex life more fulfilling...wonderful!!! What a lucky gal! Work on that together, sounds like it could open all sorts of new doors for you two in the intimacy department. Do let her know that her past doesn't matter to you and how much you love her, find her sexy, and want to please her as much as possible.
best of luck and have FUN!

Sorry ratbastid but I have to disagree, I know you love your SO very much, but I can completely understand falling in love so hard for someone that something like their past just doesn't matter, and in fact never enters your brain. PET scans have shown that people that are deeply in love have changed brain activity, and the old adage about love being blind is often true. So I don't find it at all unusual that a couple could be together for some time before the issue comes up, and in this case it came up for entirely the RIGHT reason, one partner wants to use positive aspects of the others history as a guide to pleasing them now.

Awww they beat me to the Chasing Amy references.. if you havent seen it.. watch it ;)

When my fiance and I started going out this was a topic, that she brought up, and I wasent too crazy about answering.. she told me some of her past, and now, when she does certain things, I wonder if she did that with the last guy. She likes to call me "papi" did she do that with the last guy? I think thats a little weird.. I'd rather not know... she knowing some of my past, kinda makes her feel less. I told her I was engaged before, and now she's conviced that its going to turn out the same way that relationship did. Or why I dated women with children in the past, and now I don't want to have children of our own.... LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST>>> better off that way.. TRUST ME!!

It seems that robodog and I are in the minority by far with this, but I think a couple who can speak honestly and openly about past relationships and experiences show great love for each other. It is pretty amazing to me how many people are jealous and afraid of a partner's past - the scenarios you all are painting for jorgev (prostitution, football teams??) are silly. Would you rather ignore your SO's past?? Pretend they are somebody without a life until the day they met you, and in turn you pretend that you have no past either? How many lies does that create for you in your relationship?

Jorgev, it does seem you began with good intentions, but be careful not to let jealousy or insecurity keep you "bouncing off the walls". She told you that she wanted to tell you about her past, but obviously she is worried that if she opens up to you she will be judged. This could be a great opportunity for you and your wife to become more intimate and better friends than ever - and you should approach this as her friend, not a interrogating husband!

You asked about approaching the subject again, why not begin with your own history and show her you're willing to risk a bit. Even admitting a lack of experience, but then tying that into your curiosity today would open up a lot I would think... Just be open and show her she can trust you not to overreact to things that are in the past. Jealousy is natural, but also selfish and useless. It can be quite a turn on to accept your partner's independant sexuality, and honesty about sex always leads to more fun in bed! Good luck, I would be interested to hear how this plays out for you!