Perspective Insecurities - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

ProdigyWill · 02-01-2005, 12:02 PM

Well I have been surfing this forum for a few months now and have gained a lot of respect for it. While I don't post often, I have been having some insecurities about my rather serious relationship, and I wanted some outside opinions. I have talked to my SO about all these things but it just didn't help that much. I just need to vent somewhat to someone else. So here goes, any comments or advice or new perspectives would be much apprectiated.

The first bit is fairly simple. My SO is five years older than me and fairly experienced (like 6 or so other partners). She, however, told me that I'm the first guy that has actually made her cum. I find this really hard to believe, since I'm 18 and had ABSOLUTELY no experience before her. As in, I had never even kissed another girl. I'd like to believe that I'm just that good, but just doesn't seem to fit. She has been nothing but honest with me so I want to believe her it just really doesn't seem to fit in my mind.
So my question is just mainly just for the women: Is it realistic that this could be true?

The rest of my problem comes just in dealing with experience in general. For this I should probably explain the relationship a bit more. We've actually only been together for about 4 months but we've told each other that we love one another (which we really do) and despite my living in the dorms on an all male floor, she lives with me....stays over everynight, come here after work, we've actually both slipped up and referred to my room (a single, luckily) as home. My problem is that she has a been around and been with other people and such. I haven't. Not just in sexual experience either. She has experience in about everything. This is where the subject comes in. I have very liberal views of just about everything, and when I look through these "liberal glasses" none of this experience bothers me. However, I had a very conservative upbringing, and as a result I feel like certain values seem burned into me. And these values often sharply disagree with me being able to be with this girl. I don't know how to deal with these vastly different perspectives other than hope than give it time. I also think that the fact that I wasn't given any time to experience any of this for myself might play into it. It can sometimes feel like I found the right girl to soon. But at the same time, I NEVER even consider breaking up with her for this because I know I would always regret it, and I just can't really picture me getting along with anyone better than how we get along. I mean, in my entire life, I have never felt this comfortable around anybody and as a naturally shy guy, I have no problems talking to her. Well I'm sure this is just something that I'll have to work through, just the same I need to let talk about this to someone other than my SO and I was hoping for some outside input or comments, maybe even some new way to look at it that I haven't yet.

02-01-2005, 12:08 PM

I dont really see what the problem is other than that you feel you might be a little sexually inadequate. You're in college, this is the point in time in your life where you're pretty normal if you're re-evaluating what you were taught as you were raised. College is where most people find themselves, you know? Ride the rocket man, see how far it takes you. It sounds like you've found something pretty rad, so i say just experience it and take it a day at a time.

bad jane · 02-02-2005, 03:26 AM

i'm with thinktank. this is the time to question your upbringing and reach conclusions about your life for yourself.

while the age gap isn't that much--considering where you are in life, it can seem like a lot more. a lot of the questioning and experimentation you are just getting involved in, she's already been through. if that bothers you, then you need to decide how important the relationship is. if it doesn't bother you, ride it out and see what you can learn from her

as for never orgasming prior to you--could be true, could be false. it happens like that sometimes, but that doesn't mean she is being honest. if you believe her, then let it go and trust your instincts. your gut is more likely to be right than a bunch of strangers on the internet!

SntrRck · 02-02-2005, 10:23 PM

My feelings on having "experience" in a relationship:

I was a "naturally" shy guy too until I got more experience and things with women just became easier. They aren't as scary as they seem, or would want you to believe sometimes. I was dumped by a girl who was lacking experience, and she wanted to taste a bit more of life. It hurt at the time but it ended up being one of the best things that happened to me because it forced me to do certain things I hadn't in the past.

Don't peg yourself to this girl because you don't think there will ever be anything better just because you've never had anything as good. I'm with the girl right now I think I will be with for the rest of my life because of all the experience I've accumulated. I think experience in other relationship is good for when a good relationship has its problems and you have the experience to know whether the problems are small and fixable or big and deal-breakers.

As for the orgasming thing, value that, she is telling you in your own words she loves you more than she has loved any other guy.

kollege_gal2000 · 02-03-2005, 09:55 AM

I found your experience quite interesting, a few months ago, I was in a rather similar boat as yourself.

I personally was raised in a christian home, my mom is a preacher's kid. So you can just imagine the values I was raised with. However, I am currently, sleeping with my b/f also. My point is sometimes what you are raised by isn't always how you feel. I was constantly told never to have sex before married, but look at me now. I have to admit that the first time was difficult. So many thoughts of "this is wrong" and "I shouldn't be doing this" flooded my mind. It really comes down to rather or not you are comfortable with what you are doing. If you are, then there isn't anything wrong with it.

As far as it being the first time that your g/f has orgasm, well, after being with a bunch of different guys, personnally it wasn't until my recent b/f that I received my first explosion. Hence, why I will never give him up

And lastly about your experience issue. I've had my share of fun, and low and behold, my b/f hasn't. A few months ago we went through a very rough time. You see, he saw my best friend and thought of her as attractive. He had a hard time dealing with the concept of whether or not his attractiveness to my best friend was a sign that he wasn't ready to be with me. He also went through the "I want to experience things for my own" stage. I would mention things that I have done, and would see a longing in his eyes because he hadn't. However, he excepted the fact that he truely wants to be with me, and therefore the subject was closed.

My advice on that subject would be this. If you are wanting to try things out, I would sit your g/f down and explan it to her. That's what my b/f did with me. I did not take it very well at first, but at the first "what the hell" moment, I understood how he felt. In case you are wondering, we are currently having our 11 months today, so as you can see it worked out in the end, and I'm glad he told me how he felt.

I hope this helps!

Cervantes · 02-03-2005, 10:15 AM

It's pretty easy. Experience comes with training, doing and learning, not with the number of sexual partners you had.

A good way to start building the experience gap between you is to ask her to teach you.
If she knows that she is your first there is a good chance she will understand your insecurity and guide you through it at the best of her ability. Tell her about your insecurities, given time these kind of thoughts and feelings can kill a realtionship.

Dostoevsky · 02-03-2005, 11:08 AM

Well let me play devil's advocate for a minute since everyone else seems pretty supportive of your relationship. Why is a 23 year old woman living in a freshman, all male college dorm with you? I'm about the same age as your girl and couldn't see myself doing that. What is she doing with her life? You also said that she is very liberal and you were raised conservatively which leads to differing views on life. You're in love right now, which is great, but the little differences in opinion that you have right now that don't seem to bother you probably will later on, be warned. I wouldn't worry so much about the sexual stuff although I would think that a liberal 23 year old would have had more than 6 other partners, but if you trust her we'll go with that number. If she tells you that you're the only guy that's ever made her cum, maybe it's true and maybe it isn't; as long as the sex is good who cares? Like someone else said earlier you're in college and this is the time to have fun and expirement, so live it up! Just don't get too serious about this relationship right now. You're too young and the chances are that you two won't end up together long term anyway so just have fun with it and ride the rollercoaster. Hope this helped

02-01-2005, 12:02 PM	#1 (permalink)
ProdigyWill Upright Location: Montana	Perspective Insecurities Well I have been surfing this forum for a few months now and have gained a lot of respect for it. While I don't post often, I have been having some insecurities about my rather serious relationship, and I wanted some outside opinions. I have talked to my SO about all these things but it just didn't help that much. I just need to vent somewhat to someone else. So here goes, any comments or advice or new perspectives would be much apprectiated. The first bit is fairly simple. My SO is five years older than me and fairly experienced (like 6 or so other partners). She, however, told me that I'm the first guy that has actually made her cum. I find this really hard to believe, since I'm 18 and had ABSOLUTELY no experience before her. As in, I had never even kissed another girl. I'd like to believe that I'm just that good, but just doesn't seem to fit. She has been nothing but honest with me so I want to believe her it just really doesn't seem to fit in my mind. So my question is just mainly just for the women: Is it realistic that this could be true? The rest of my problem comes just in dealing with experience in general. For this I should probably explain the relationship a bit more. We've actually only been together for about 4 months but we've told each other that we love one another (which we really do) and despite my living in the dorms on an all male floor, she lives with me....stays over everynight, come here after work, we've actually both slipped up and referred to my room (a single, luckily) as home. My problem is that she has a been around and been with other people and such. I haven't. Not just in sexual experience either. She has experience in about everything. This is where the subject comes in. I have very liberal views of just about everything, and when I look through these "liberal glasses" none of this experience bothers me. However, I had a very conservative upbringing, and as a result I feel like certain values seem burned into me. And these values often sharply disagree with me being able to be with this girl. I don't know how to deal with these vastly different perspectives other than hope than give it time. I also think that the fact that I wasn't given any time to experience any of this for myself might play into it. It can sometimes feel like I found the right girl to soon. But at the same time, I NEVER even consider breaking up with her for this because I know I would always regret it, and I just can't really picture me getting along with anyone better than how we get along. I mean, in my entire life, I have never felt this comfortable around anybody and as a naturally shy guy, I have no problems talking to her. Well I'm sure this is just something that I'll have to work through, just the same I need to let talk about this to someone other than my SO and I was hoping for some outside input or comments, maybe even some new way to look at it that I haven't yet.

02-03-2005, 09:55 AM	#5 (permalink)
kollege_gal2000 Tilted Location: Edinburg, TX	I found your experience quite interesting, a few months ago, I was in a rather similar boat as yourself. I personally was raised in a christian home, my mom is a preacher's kid. So you can just imagine the values I was raised with. However, I am currently, sleeping with my b/f also. My point is sometimes what you are raised by isn't always how you feel. I was constantly told never to have sex before married, but look at me now. I have to admit that the first time was difficult. So many thoughts of "this is wrong" and "I shouldn't be doing this" flooded my mind. It really comes down to rather or not you are comfortable with what you are doing. If you are, then there isn't anything wrong with it. As far as it being the first time that your g/f has orgasm, well, after being with a bunch of different guys, personnally it wasn't until my recent b/f that I received my first explosion. Hence, why I will never give him up And lastly about your experience issue. I've had my share of fun, and low and behold, my b/f hasn't. A few months ago we went through a very rough time. You see, he saw my best friend and thought of her as attractive. He had a hard time dealing with the concept of whether or not his attractiveness to my best friend was a sign that he wasn't ready to be with me. He also went through the "I want to experience things for my own" stage. I would mention things that I have done, and would see a longing in his eyes because he hadn't. However, he excepted the fact that he truely wants to be with me, and therefore the subject was closed. My advice on that subject would be this. If you are wanting to try things out, I would sit your g/f down and explan it to her. That's what my b/f did with me. I did not take it very well at first, but at the first "what the hell" moment, I understood how he felt. In case you are wondering, we are currently having our 11 months today, so as you can see it worked out in the end, and I'm glad he told me how he felt. I hope this helps! __________________ I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!

02-03-2005, 10:15 AM	#6 (permalink)
Cervantes Psycho Location: Above you	It's pretty easy. Experience comes with training, doing and learning, not with the number of sexual partners you had. A good way to start building the experience gap between you is to ask her to teach you. If she knows that she is your first there is a good chance she will understand your insecurity and guide you through it at the best of her ability. Tell her about your insecurities, given time these kind of thoughts and feelings can kill a realtionship. __________________ - "Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.." - "Religions take everything that your DNA naturally wants to do to survive and pro-create and makes it wrong." - "There is only one absolute truth and that is that there is only one absolute truth."

02-03-2005, 11:08 AM	#7 (permalink)
Dostoevsky Psycho Location: Macon, GA	Well let me play devil's advocate for a minute since everyone else seems pretty supportive of your relationship. Why is a 23 year old woman living in a freshman, all male college dorm with you? I'm about the same age as your girl and couldn't see myself doing that. What is she doing with her life? You also said that she is very liberal and you were raised conservatively which leads to differing views on life. You're in love right now, which is great, but the little differences in opinion that you have right now that don't seem to bother you probably will later on, be warned. I wouldn't worry so much about the sexual stuff although I would think that a liberal 23 year old would have had more than 6 other partners, but if you trust her we'll go with that number. If she tells you that you're the only guy that's ever made her cum, maybe it's true and maybe it isn't; as long as the sex is good who cares? Like someone else said earlier you're in college and this is the time to have fun and expirement, so live it up! Just don't get too serious about this relationship right now. You're too young and the chances are that you two won't end up together long term anyway so just have fun with it and ride the rollercoaster. Hope this helped __________________ Pride is the recognition of the fact that you are your own highest value and, like all of man’s values, it has to be earned. It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener. Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

02-01-2005, 12:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
thinktank Guest	I dont really see what the problem is other than that you feel you might be a little sexually inadequate. You're in college, this is the point in time in your life where you're pretty normal if you're re-evaluating what you were taught as you were raised. College is where most people find themselves, you know? Ride the rocket man, see how far it takes you. It sounds like you've found something pretty rad, so i say just experience it and take it a day at a time.

02-02-2005, 03:26 AM	#3 (permalink)
bad jane Insane	i'm with thinktank. this is the time to question your upbringing and reach conclusions about your life for yourself. while the age gap isn't that much--considering where you are in life, it can seem like a lot more. a lot of the questioning and experimentation you are just getting involved in, she's already been through. if that bothers you, then you need to decide how important the relationship is. if it doesn't bother you, ride it out and see what you can learn from her as for never orgasming prior to you--could be true, could be false. it happens like that sometimes, but that doesn't mean she is being honest. if you believe her, then let it go and trust your instincts. your gut is more likely to be right than a bunch of strangers on the internet!

02-02-2005, 10:23 PM	#4 (permalink)
SntrRck Upright	My feelings on having "experience" in a relationship: I was a "naturally" shy guy too until I got more experience and things with women just became easier. They aren't as scary as they seem, or would want you to believe sometimes. I was dumped by a girl who was lacking experience, and she wanted to taste a bit more of life. It hurt at the time but it ended up being one of the best things that happened to me because it forced me to do certain things I hadn't in the past. Don't peg yourself to this girl because you don't think there will ever be anything better just because you've never had anything as good. I'm with the girl right now I think I will be with for the rest of my life because of all the experience I've accumulated. I think experience in other relationship is good for when a good relationship has its problems and you have the experience to know whether the problems are small and fixable or big and deal-breakers. As for the orgasming thing, value that, she is telling you in your own words she loves you more than she has loved any other guy.