Rekna

Recently a girl and I have been hitting it off really well. To the point that we have talked about starting to date. So things in that respect are great except there is one problem. She used to date one of our good friends. A friend that we both hang out with all the time (it is actually how we met). Now she dated him over 4 years ago but that doesn't change the situtation (he still has feelings for her romantically).

So this girl and I have talked about this and we think it might be better to just keep it as friends so not to cause a big mess and headache. The only problem is i'm not so sure that is working, we are still getting along to well and moving closer to the dating/relationship point. I know if this continues I should go talk to my friend and get his approval first (I definatly don't want to hurt him and lose his friendship)

For those of you in this situation before how did you handle it and how did it turn out? If anyone has any insight please share it.

drakers

Well never been in that situation, but I would suggest having a long talk with this girl and ask her how she feels about you (unless you have already done that). It this friend of yours was a friend he should understand how you feel about her. Does he have any clue how you feel about her? If he does he shouldn't have a problem about it and he should be over a relationship that ended 4 years ago (sounds like he needs to start dating). Well anyways good luck.

StanT

I married a good friends ex. I talked to him about it when we stared dating and told him how it was. I did not ask permission, I did not apologize, but did want him to find out from me, rather than anyone else. He wasn't happy, but he got over it.

kurty[B]

How long were they dating? If it's been four years, well, I would hope he's over it. I would talk to him about it.

The girl I'm with currently and for the last six months I sort of met this way. My friend had a new girlfriend, and we all got together one night a sort of double-date thing, and were planning to go to an amusement park the next day, and well, yeah.

Whatever you do, don't hide it from him. Ask him how he feels about it. Like said before, if it's been four years and he has not gotten over it, your friend needs to start dating.

scout

Several years ago right after my divorce from my first wife the ex-wife of a very good friend called and expressed interest in dating some. We talked about it for a bit and I told her that I would get back in a day or two. I called my friend soon after and expressed to him our mutual interest and asked if he felt this would or could potentially be a problem between him and I. He laughed, said go for it and wished me luck.
End of the story goes something along the lines of I know now why he divorced her!! It also gives us a few laughs when we talk over a few beers.

oh beloved

if you truly care about this girl, let your friend know. going behind his back isn't an option, considering you're both good friends with him. i've always thought that there was an unsaid rule that you don't date friends' exes without asking. i've just seen it recently - a friend of mine was caught in bed with his friend's ex -girlfriend. albeit, it was only a couple months after they had broken up, the friend was absolutely infuriated. i realize that there's a difference, as in your situation, it's been 4 years since the two had relations, but nonetheless... better to be careful, than to be... well.. friendless, i guess.

Cimarron29414

I don't think there is a statute of limitations. If I wanted to date a girl that my friend dated 10 years ago, I would still ask him first.

The real question is this: have you two done ANYTHING romatically yet? Kissed, messed around, etc. If you intend on asking your friend for permission, you MUST ask before anything romantic happens. Otherwise, you aren't asking for permission, you are asking for forgiveness. He will be much more inclined to say "go for it" if you ask first. It's a good show of respect for him.

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MageB420666

Why the hell should you need to ask him? They broke up four YEARS ago. And besides, it's not like she belongs to him, I will agree that if you do start dating you should let him know. But if you and her hitting it off, and it seems to be something that could make you both happy, then do it. If he has a major problem with you and her being happy together, then I would start doubting the value of his friendship.

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martinguerre

it was years ago...but he still crushes on her??? hmm.

now, the guy code is as follows:

1. You shall not date a friend's ex.
2. If you ignore rule number 1, you have to ask.
3. He must say yes if you ask.
4. But you shouldn't have been asking in the first place, and just following rule #1.

I should mention, this is standard operating procedure, but you may have a special case.

If she did him wrong in the breakup, if it's really a case where you're screwing him over...don't do it. The years don't count for much, if he's still waiting for an apology or resolution.

But if she broke up for legitimate reasons and he just can't get over it? Then it's all good. The 4 years do count, because there's nothing there to wait for. The point of the guy code is to keep you from harming a friend...not make it impossible to date.

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Rekna

I don't know why they broke up but they were both very young when they dated (highschool). Now here is a little more info. I have only known the guy for about 3 months but I consider him a good friend. We are all very christian and attend the same churches together every sat/sun and are starting up a friday bible study together.

I know before it develops into anything I need to have a long talk with her and him. Hopefully tonight I'll get the talk in with her and figure out exactly what is going on.

MSD

You don't go out with her unless you run it by him and he still talks to you afterwards. If you know she's a friend's ex, you can't even think about it unless it's been as long since they broke up as the time they were together. For a bitter, angry breakup, don't bother.

Rekna

One more thing in this situation would it be more appropriate for me or her to talk to him. Since I have only known him 3 months but she has known him for a long long time. She is closer to him than I.

Rekna

I'm pretty sure they have been broken up longer than they were together and also it wasn't bitter since they are still good friends.

The reason i'm pretty sure that they have been apart longer than together is because she dated 2 people inbetween one of which was for 3 years. Also she is only 20 so that puts them dating around 16. But yes I definatly need to talk to him.

scout

I think the fact they dated literally years before you even knew the fellow changes everything. I don't believe you need to "ask permission". I believe all that would be needed is to mention in passing that you are planning to pursueing a romantic interlude with said lady to see where it might lead. If anyone would need to "explain" anything it would be said lady because as you stated she is closer to him than you. And her explaining would need to be something along the lines of "we was years ago so get over it", in a nice polite way of course.

C4 Diesel

Sorry, but that's not anything like the code where I come from. There's like a 6-month grace period, then she's free game. C'mon... This is something that GIRLS would get pissy over. We're dudes... Aren't we supposed to just scratch our asses and be okay with stuff like this? Haven't you heard?... We don't have REAL emotions. He'll just be glad you're getting laid.

And you barely even know the guy!?!? Eff him. You don't owe him anything.

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Rekna

Ohh I know him fairly well but only for 3 months. Reguardless he is a friend in the church and I won't just screw him. I'm going to talk to him sometime in the next week. I now have the whole story and it is silly to think he would get mad. They dated only for a month then became good friends. But a month ago while drunk they made out. After which she made it clear that they were just friends and it was a mistake. So i'll just talk to him and be 100% honest and hope that it doesn't upset him (it shouldn't)

Cimarron29414

Even if you are going to pursue her no matter what his response, you should still ask him. He is going to say "Sure, man have a good time" as any guy would. Considering the circumstances (how long it has been, how long you have known him, how long they dated), this is simply a formality so that there aren't any misunderstandings.

Honestly, the fact that they made out a month ago would give me pause.

"Drunk" has never been a valid excuse.

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Acetylene

I'm dating my roommate's "ex" (they weren't too close) and it's fine. They fought at first because there was some bad blood but I told them to grow up and they did.

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chickentribs

Huh. We see things very different... I am spending a lot of time right now with a girl who dated one of my good friends for years. They broke up about 3 years ago, and he has been involved with somebody else for the last 2 years - which is why asking his permission to date his ex would be insulting to her and ridiculous for me. What kind of respect am I showing her to even insinuate that he could ask me to step aside? Likewise, it would be an insulting gesture to ask him a question whose answer is meaningless. Would any of you guys let an ex-girlfriend dictate who you could now see?

Now the fact your girl made out with him a month ago, drunk or not, is the reason to walk away from this mess. She is using either you to make him jealous or vice versa. Doesn't matter, it's flaky both ways. If you still want in, get all three of you in the same room to talk it out and make sure she is giving him the same story she is giving you. Tread lightly...

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