Willravel

To be honest, men will never totally understand women. I've learned to accept this fact, but I'll still never stop learning as long as I live. After posting several 'help for men' threads, I realized that any information I have on women should be shared. I am also tired of giving out tiny amounts of info in response to others posts. Keeping that in mind, Here's what I have time to put down for now.

5 PLACES TO DO IT:

-On the washer: Your washing machine produces more vibration than any other appliance in your home. Problem is, most people don't use it right. You (yes, I'm talking to guys) should be the one with your butt on the lidd. The motion will be transmitted through your pelvis, essentially turning your member into a life-size vibrator. Run a warm water load so the top won't be cold.
-In the vault: To really add some spice to your sex life, make a quick stop at your bank. A safe-deposit-box room is quiet, the door is locked, and there's no camera. It's a great place to make a deposit and withdraw.
-At Victoria's Secret: The best dressing rooms for sex are at Victoria's Secret. Sometimes they have love seats in there. Ask the saleswoman if you can go in to make sure you like what your SO is trying on.
-In a beanbag chair: A beanbag chair is great for sex. You can contour it to any shape, and it'll support you in ways you're not accustomed to. Doggy-style works great when she's on her belly, draped over the amorphous blob (the chair, not you). Stick a couple of thick books under the bag to prevent sinking in too far.
-During Christmas at the in-laws': There's only one thing that might make the marathon holiday family visits bearable: a little covert sex. Here's the best way to pull it off: Bring the kids' gifts - wrapped, but in a bag. Say you haven't wrapped them yet and duck into a spare room. Have fun with the bows.

BEST GIFTS FOR HER:

-First, tell her what she wants to hear: The top three things women like to hear most from men are: 1. "I can't wait to see you." 2. "I love waking up with you." 3. "I brought you something."
-Find something at the last minute: Stop at a drugstore. Buy a decorative gift bag and stuff it with as many bath products as you can find (bubble bath, sponge, shampoo, lotion, etc.). Attach a note that says, "Tonight, your body is in my hands." (I realize how awful that sounds, but suck it up and be a man!) Flash your eyebrows, wink, and head for the bath. Oh, don't forget to clean the bath first.
-Go to a video store and rent the first movie you ever watched together in the theater (unless that movie is Alexander or Jawanaman). She'll be so touched you remember that she won't notice the gift cost you like $3. Make popcorn, drink wine, and see if that old stretch-your-arm-around-her-shoulder trick still works.
-Pick her up after work, but don't tell her where you're going. Then take her on a tour of places that are special to the two of you - the bar where you had your first date, the park where you dropped the L-bomb, the parking lot where you dropped your virginity. At each spot, reminisce about your relationship. Memories are almost as good for her as ESPN Classic is for you.

DON'T LET HER FOOL YOU

-Tell if she's faking: The most important thing to know about a woman's orgasm is this: if she screams during the middle of it, she's faking. While climaxing, it is nearly impossible to exhale. The female orgasm is not an explosion of endorphins and genital juices. It's an implosion. She'll draw her breath, tighten her muscles, suck every scrap of energy and sensation into the tiny nuget core of her being, and then give way exquisitely, the flow of goodness spreading up her chest and down her legs like someone kicked a can of red paint. After she may sigh, pant, or moan. But scream? Never. (this is based on testimonials of dozens of ex gf's and my beautiful wife, who is much better than my exs in every way)
-Tell if they're real: Breast implantation is surgery; surgery leaves scars. Look for twin scars underneath the breasts, under the nipples, or under the arms, close to the torso. It's more fun than an Easter-egg hunt. If she hasn't achieved nudity, check the outline of the top of her breasts. If one or both are perfect semicircles, suspect implants. If all else fails, cop a hug. If they don't compress at all, they're capsules.
-Tell if she's cheating: Send her flowers at work without your name on them and see if she mentions them to you. If not, go get your louisville slugger and a bottle of gin.

GET OUT OFF HOT WATER:

-Remove a lipstick stain: If you get lipstick on you collar and it's not your wife's shade, spray the spot with hair spray or dab it with rubbing alcohol. Let it sit for a minute or two, then wipe it carefully with a cloth. Or place a piece of masking tape over the stain, then yank it off. If that doesn't work, put the tape over your chest hair and do the same thing - that'll teach you to wise up.
-Make a brilliant save: When your wife or girlfriend catches you staring at another woman, keep staring. Stare as if you were catatonic, and respond only when she pokes you in the shoulder three times. Act startled - as if you've been awakened from a daydream - and say, "You know, I was just thinking about that wonderful weekend in the Poconos, and how much fun we had in that heart shaped bathtub." Just like that, you'll be off the hook.

IS SHE THE ONE?

Complete the good-wife checklist:
-Good wives are interested in being good moms.
-Good wives have that sex trigger you want to keep pulling.
-Good wives drive like guys. Driving is a great measure of competency.
-Good wives understand how to nurture and grow your money.
-Good wives have a sense of humor (after all, they are considering you).
-Good wives are not being treated on an outpatient basis for anything.

Give her the After-sex test: You can tell if the girl you're dating is worthwhile if you really enjoy talking to her after you have sex.

LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

-Ask for her hand: Before you get married, ask permission from your fiancee's parents. This may seem old-fashioned, but research shows that 80% of the marriages that fail within the first year don't have parental approval. Another study showed that 70% of couples who divorced in he first years named in-laws as a big factor.
-Never argue about money again: To avoid marital money problems, view yourself as a financial team. Decide what's important to both of you (home, kids, college, retirement) and open a joint account to manage these areas. Deposit 90% of both paychecks there. Then, to keep each of you happy and to prevent arguments about 'frivolous' spending, open two individual accounts. Agree that the remaining 10% will be divided and can be spent however the earner wants. No questions asked.
-Teach your dog to defuse an argument: Think of what you normally say to your wife when you're having a fight. Repeat this word or phrase every time you play ball with the dog. Eventually, when he hears it during an argument, he'll obediently bring the ball and help defuse the altercation (thank you , Pavlov!).
-Have makeup sex anytime: Makeup sex is the best. When you fight, anger drives up testosterone in both men and women. If you go to bed with increased testosterone and agitation, the sex drive is going to be stronger. You can even reenact fighting - with the emotions that go along with it - without hurting each other. Try something that will create a little physical tension between you two like...1. Miniature golf 2. pillow fights 3. naked wrestling.

GET WHAT YOU WANT IN BED

-Turn your good girl bad: Here's a sneaky strategy to propose acting out your wildest notion: Portray your fantasy as a dream. For example, if you'd like to make love on the observatory deck of the Empire State Building but you're nervous about suggesting it, phrase the whole scenario as a dream: "Honey, I had the wildest dream last night..." Dreams are blameless, subconscious thoughts that sneak into our sleep. If she's turned off, simply dismiss the dream. If she wants to hear more, travelocity.com has good rates for going to NY.

SUCK ON THIS

-If your partner sucks on a breath mint before giving oral sex, it'll be more pleasurable for you. The peppermint oil in some mints can cause a mild irritation that brings a flushed, warm sensation to the skin.
-Sweeten your semen: An apple a day takes the taste excuse away. High in natural sugars, fruit blesses men with sweeter seminal fluid.
-Create a fantasy box: Take an empty tissue box and make it your 'fantasy box'. Write five secret sexual desires on individual slips of paper, have your partner do the same, then deposit them in the box ( NO menage a trois). Take turns drawing one whenever you make love.
-Play battleship: It's Saturday night. You're snowed in with nothing but old board games and two warm bodies. That's all you need to score.
--Monopoly: Make up your own Community Chest and Chance cards.
--Twister: You've already thrown down the plastic wrap. Now make it slippery.
--BattleStrip: Draw your clothes, and hers on two paper grids. You say E5, she loses her bra. She says F7, you unleash the torpedo.

7 WAYS TO DRIVE HER WILD

-Find her G-sopt: The g-spot is located inside the vagina on the forward wall (toward the navel). When stimulated, the g-spot swells to about the size of a half dollar and has the puffy consistency of a marshmallow. To find it, insert a finger and curl it toward you, in a kind of 'cum hither' motion.
-Hum during oral sex: Anytime you touch the skin with something vibrating, you transmit sensation to a wider area than you would through simple stroking. So relax your lips (think Mick Jagger) and hum a tune (try to be appropriate in your choice of song) as you bring the outermost portion of your kisser in contact with her vaginal lips.
-Lick, then blow: By licking her nipples, private parts, and neck, then blowing on the wet patches you've created, you can generate a sexy tingle that'll drive your woman wild. To make her head spin even more, use alcohol. It evaporates more quickly than water or saliva, producing a greater cooling effect.
-Hide the honey: You're blindfolded; she hides a dab of honey somewhere on her body. Try to find it - using only your tongue.
-Lose the tie: A necktie is the one article of men's clothing that women love most. The way silk feels against her skin, the way it smells after being tied around her neck all day. So take it off and rub it on her skin, or, even better, use it to cover her eyes. She won't be able to anticipate where or when your next kiss or touch is coming, so every touch will be more intense.
-Play the alphabet game: Make capitol letters with your tongue very slowly on her clitoris. See if you can make it to M.
-Shower her with flowers: Put flower petals on top of the blades of a ceiling fan. Turn it on when she lies down.

*stretches fingers* That's all for now. I figure by the time I get cracking on the next one of these, you'll just about be done with this one.

Suave

Wow. Very comprehensive, to say the least. Well done.

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

Ruse

I think Suave summed it up nicely. wow.


Thanks!

snowy

About the faking thing:

If a woman is really climaxing, she'll be too focused on her climax to make a noise with any kind of sense behind it. Screams do happen. Babbles happen. Deep, throaty moans happen too. Chants happen. The less sense it makes, the less likely she's faking.

Good communication heads faking off at the pass. Keep the lines open and she'll never feel she has to.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Vincentt

I have found flower petals to work wonders in the past.

Willravel

-Suave and Ruse: thank you very much.

-onesnowyowl: I was just going off what I learned in human sexuality and human bio back in college. Honest to God screams are less than rare according to those sources.

-Vincentt: very good. Try it with the fan though. It'll freak her out.

snowy

Well, I will tell you that though I desire to scream I never do for fear of waking the neighbors or roommates. Some women do have a screamer inside, and men shouldn't assume she's faking if she lets the screamer loose.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

bad jane

just thought i'd toss in my two cents on the screaming thing...there are different degrees of orgasms and there are different types as well. not all orgasms are the imploding type--i've had some very explosive ones and those tend to lead to screaming. with a slow steady build-up, it's true that you are tightening up muscles and less likely to scream till you are riding the wave of release. but when you have an explosive orgasm that just hits you out of nowhere--that doesn't have a wave of release and you aren't tensed up, hence screaming is not only very possible but very likely.

depending on what he does to get me to orgasm, i have a very different reaction because it is a different type of orgasm. it's not the same climax when it's oral sex as when there is penetration. fingering feels different as do toys and grinding. i've had orgasms just from my partner touching my breasts--it's another unique experience. some controlled breathing while clenching the right muscles and i can orgasm without anyone touching me at all, but again, totally different sensation.

overall though, great list!

Suave

Wow Jane. I can't speak for most guys here, but when I orgasm, it's pretty much "ohhh yeahh..." *splat*, and there's all there is to it. I don't have an "orgasmic range" or anything.

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

wombatman

A great company to have flowers delivered to her somewhere (place she works, apartment, whatever) is proflowers.com. I've used these guys multiple times and I have been more than satisfied every time. The flowers are picked fresh the day they are to be shipped and packaged in a box with plant food. You can also choose to include a vase, chocolates, or a small teddy bear for extra. You can also pay a little extra ($5?) for guaranteed delivery by (I think) 10AM. They have tons of arrangements for all occasions, and although I have not used it, they offer a free reminder service as well for things like anniversaries and birthdays. They send an email when the arrangement is shipped and another when it has actually been delivered. The shipped email includes a tracking number. Also, when you make the initial order, an email is sent that includes a link that allows you to modify your order at any point up until it's supposed to ship.

Willravel

FANTASTIC! I was hoping people would start adding ideas and more advise to this! That sounds like a great service, wombatman. Thanks for the contribution. TFP is for sharing of ideas, and this is an excelent example (not to toot my own horn). Please feel free to share any and every idea you might have about this. Enjoy and share. Thanks again.

flightlessbird

You can plan to be spontanious also. If she mentions not haveing anything to do tonight, make dinner plans(or just drive until you see a resturant you both want to try). She gets fed up with work they you should have the path to the nearest Basken Robins planed out.

I'm not saying you should drop everything anytime she is unoccupied, but every once in a while will make her a lot more willing to drop everything for you (wink-wink).

radioguy

it's all about the unexpected. i've learned that doing things for her or giving her little gifts or notes for no reason at all go a long way!

screamincheetah

Awesome post man. You seem to have a very good grasp on everything to make it work. That's cool. I feel lucky that many of those I do already, but I learned some things that's for sure.

You're quote above about catching a girl cheating, I don't see why I'd ever need it, but when I read it I first thought that's perfect. Then I started thinking about it more. If you're the boyfriend, then the guy she's cheating with probably knows she's with you. So if you send the flowers and she calls him first, he says wasn't me probably that jerk boyfriend of yours, and then she immediately calls you and say "oh they're so beautiful." You think you're gold but you're not. Is there another way this scenario would work so that it's actually a good test?

Willravel

Well as her boyfriend you need to know her friends. At least one of every girls friends will give her up if the right pressure is applied (not like C.I.A., think appealing to her fair side). Know which of her friends has been cheated on something pretty serious. Know that she is your best bet or honesty about your gf cheating. Go to her in great dispair and worry. DO NOT APPEAR ANGRY. This (aside from stupid mistakes she might make) is your best bet as far as I can see.

The reason the flowers thing works is that the extreme secracy works against cheaters. Thye think they have you figured out; she/he knows how crafty you are. BUT they don't know how crafty I am (heh). They get paranoid about what they expect from you, and they can be so attentave to what's expected, they become vulnerable to the unexpected. It's like being distracted by specific concentration.

There' always that "Cheaters" show.

bad jane

much like multiple orgasms, it's one of the perks we get for enduring cramps, bloating and granny panties for a week every month

nukeu666

*bookmarked*
excellent thread

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Why did the Comp. Engineer get X-mas and Halloween mixed up?
Because Oct(31) == Dec(25)

Willravel

Alright, time for more "Sex You Deserve" advise.

If you want to make a good first impression with that woman over there, you're too late. It's done. As soon as a woman lays eyes on someone, she has a first impression (as is true of both genders). It;s what happenes next that counts.

Be Ready to Fetch- An animated person is like a tail-wagging dog. And she'd rather play with an eager pup than with a sleeping hound. People who are expressive, as opposed to poker-faced, are considered attractive. They might gesticulate a lot of have faces that are easy to read, both of which make her more secure in their presence. She knows where she stands. Be Sean Connery, not Roger Moore. The Scotsman smiles with his mouth AND eyes, and looks directly at whoever he's talking to.

Ask, Don't Tell- Women are their own favorite subject, so if they spend the whole time talking about themselves, they'll remember it as a great experience. Make her feel good by steering the conversation towards her interests. The longer she talks, the more she likes you. Bonus points for remembering what she said.

Get Physical- Make eye contact and lean forward. You're interested in what she is saying and women find attentave men attractive. Getting her attention is as simple as giving yours - and your body language does that.

Be Mysterious- Let's be honest, we men like to fold fourth on topics we know a lot about. This lecturing bores the bejesus out of women. Resist the urge! Only procede if she asks active questions (questions that show genuine interest) about what is being said. Try intriguing her with a line such as: "Next time I'll show you photos from my trip to Peru."

Play the Name Game- Hearing her name will stimulate thye right side of her brain, which means she'll pay attention to you. Drop her name into the conversation a couple of times. Use it too much and you'll sound like a used car salesman. Use it maybe 3 or 4 times toward the beginning of the night. If she comments on it, say you are bad wityh names and really, really want to remember hers.

greyeyes

Willravel, this whole post is nothing less than grand.

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I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
- Zach Braff

Willravel

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoy it.

Ananas

Please stop.



Where were you 10 years ago?

Jay Francis

My sentiments too. Very very well done.

mattevil

I crave more installments! Kudos on a very good thread!

Willravel

Honestly? I was 11.

Echodork

Make friends with her pet. Pets are like children, and women are attracted to men they perceive as "good father material." I once dated a girl who owned a very shy beagle. On my second visit, I hid a doggie treat in my pocket, and fed it to the pooch when nobody was looking. Later in the evening, the pup approached me and licked my hand (which probably still had a hint of doggy treat scent on it), and she went wild. Instant score.

Make friends with her father. The doggie treat trick works here too, you just have to modify it a little bit. Before you meet him, covertly ask your girl a little bit about her father... what he likes, what he does for a living, whatever. After you meet him, when you're idly chatting, drop a hint about a golfing trip you took recently, a fish you caught, a car you worked on, or whatever else you do that matches his interest. You'll establish a bond with him right away, and you'll always have a topic to make small talk about while you're waiting for her to powder her nose. Even if you don't share a common interest, make one up. My father in law and I talk about beer, even though I haven't stepped into a frat house in years and I hardly drink anymore. Doesn't matter. Gives him something to ask me about.

Willravel

Excelent point, Echocork. Good use of humor, too. Getting her fathers political views are important. If you can find a common enemy in something, all the better.

jaypc2

very informative... thank you very much

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stay sexy

Ananas

You have got to be kidding. I think I need to ask for proof of your age, or better still, maybe I should ask if you are into older women?

Willravel

Born 8/03/83. Graduated highschool '00. Graduated college '03, and again '04. Married '04. Joined TFP 8/04. That's basically my timeline.

wombatman

I realize it's generally considered bad form to bring up old threads, but my question is inspired by, and pertains directly to, the original post. So, willravel, I hope you read this. Basically, I'm looking for details (from anyone) on sex in a Victoria's Secret dressing room as mentioned above. It's not guaranteed this is going to happen, but I'm fairly certain that the girlfriend and I will at least be in there together (she's already said ok to that) while she's trying things on. I got her a $50 gift card there, as per her birthday requests last month. Unfortunately, I don't know yet when this opportunity is going to come up, so I'm going to go ahead and ask now about the specifics.

I'm looking for things like: description of the dressing room itself, isolation of the room--that is, do you have to be really really quiet about the sex, or just not let any yelling/moaning happen too loudly, what kind of positions are possible, and whether there's any security things (cameras, etc) to worry about.

Thanks in advance.

noodle

educating yourself works wonders as well. nothing is more tantalizing than a guy who's passionate and knowledgable about current events, authors, etc and is willing to debate it a bit. 'yes men' are incredibly boring. know what stimulates your girl's mind and learn something about it so she doesn't have to hear "uh-huh" or "that's cool" all night. and as a bonus, you might find a new interest or impress her friends (which can score bonus points as well) and yours.

oh, and this may seem like a "duh" moment, but... gentlemen, hygeine goes a long way. strong aftershave and/or overpowering cologne does not. women love a mysterious smelling man with a scent you can't place. smelling like a magazine ad is not a turn on. well, for me, anyway.

and that's all from the peanut gallery.

seven7

great post, most informative...Kudos

blizzak

will, it's all good, but my favorite part is your "good wife material" list
especially since my girlfriend matches every quality on there

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Axiom_e

I think the author should review the thread and put the snippets of suggestion he like into the first post. He should also post that the first post has been updated.

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Life is meaningless.
How awesome is that?
Rock On! Now I can do whatever the hell I want
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deri

Awesome post, I thought these two ideas were especially clever:
-Shower her with flowers: Put flower petals on top of the blades of a ceiling fan. Turn it on when she lies down.
-Teach your dog to defuse an argument: Think of what you normally say to your wife when you're having a fight. Repeat this word or phrase every time you play ball with the dog. Eventually, when he hears it during an argument, he'll obediently bring the ball and help defuse the altercation (thank you , Pavlov!).

I don't have a dog but I'd try it if I did.

Ishmal

**bump**

good advice here Willravel.

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iblade

Incredible post. Do you have some more to share? I'm addicted...

Nimetic

That's interesting... and there are some good points - but to be totally honest, I'm not that into the whole game playing thing. I'm surprised that nobody is bothered by it here.

No offense intended guys/gals, but to me - well I'll buy flowers if and only if I genuinely feel like it. Optimizing encounters, bribing women with presents, telling stories, saying stuff purely because she might want to hear it (assuming I don't spontaneously feel it), lying about dreams and thoughts generally...

Sure we all know that it works. I mean seriously, there's books on this. Websites and usenet etc. (err well there was back before the usenet got nuked by spammers). Mens mags and the like...

I'm just a little surprised to see this stuff coming up on TFP.

Johnny Pyro

Me likey! I will use these next time. Thanx!

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"From delusion lead me to truth, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to eternal life. - Sheriff John Wydell

abaya

Willravel, you are a genius... nice work. How long did it take you to understand women? Must've been a life's work, eh? Any updates forthcoming?

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran