Lack of sex
 

Do you think a lack of sex after a number of years marrige is sufficient excuse for an affair?

It's more of a reason to talk about it with your spouse, or to go to counseling if you can't get your marriage in order. There is no excuse for cheating, it's that simple.

i agree with MSD, you should really talk to your wife and consider marriage counseling.

Who says he hasn' t talked with his wife?

Isn't the wife's not allowing sex cheating also?

Who says there is no excuse for cheating. I think we need a more open minded moderator!

I really don't think there is a definitive answer to this, as there are so many different scenarios. It may sound like a simplistic question, and our moderator has provided a stock standard, predictable answer, but really, I'd think the answer to this one needs to come from within the poster.

No... does "for better or worse" ring a bell?

I know that everyone jumps to the knee-jerk "no, it's wrong." I used to be the first one to snap back with that. But let's face it...isn't withholding sex and passion also a breach of the marriage contract? We NEED a good sex life to be healthy. I believe a lot of people need it as much as food and water. Our society's repression of sex causes a ton of problems.

I believe you need to try everything you can with your wife. After that, the answers aren't easy despite the hammer you're going to get from some people. I'm in the same boat as you. I've been married a looooooong time, I've never cheated, I'm attentive and I've tried everything. But she doesn't want sex much, period. And it's not going to get any better. You have a tough call to make. Give it your best shot with your wife. After that..??????

I think we're all assuming that Sika2 is experiencing this problem.

We need a bit more information other than a single line question. It may just be an innocent question being asked and everything is hunky-dory with Sika2.

It's not a demand, but just a little more information would help to set us on the right path.

Thanks.

I think moderators are probably people too and are allowed to have opinions of their own. Maybe I'm too new around here...

Nobody said he hasn't and he didnt say he had either.

How is not allowing sex cheating?

Also want you seem to want with an open minded moderator is the green light for this person.

I say go ahead and cheat if that is what you want to do. If it is sex you want, why not just hire an escort.

Having an affair indicates to me that you want more than just sex. If you wife isn't satisfying your relationship needs (sex aside for the moment) you really do need to think about why you are in the marriage in the first place.

or for himself/herself.

If you've done everything you can to revive this part of the relationship with your wife, and she is refusing to even explore the problem, then that would at least make what you are considering less deplorable and more understandable. But I think a lot of men do not really put enough effort into trying to fix things - their main priority is getting off.

There's no love in what you wrote. Just me, me, me. That being the case, do you really care what we - or your wife - think?

Absolutely no excuse for cheating. Period. If you want sex somewhere other than your SO/Wife/Husband/etc, then be an adult and break up with them, then go searching for whatever it is you need.

I agree for the most part. Sexual relationships with our SO are more than just physical pleasure. There is just physical sex, but in a marriage there should be more. I see sexual aspects of a marriage being as important as talking. There are bonds and intimacy that is shared during sexual acts that can't be replaced in any other way.

I do however feel that there is no excuse for cheating. Cheating only makes the problem bigger. Two wrongs don't make a right. Counseling is important, talking about the problem and taking action to correct it is the only real solution. If your wife/husband refuses to address the problem, it may be time to move on.

This thread is useless without a followup post by Sika2.

Been in that postion my self, Had a wife who I was madly in love with..but she had no sex drive, none, zip nadda..we had sex regularly before we got married..after we got married it stopped. The last year we were together we had sex I think 10 times that year..to her that was a normal healthy sex drive, to me it wasn't.

We talked about it a lot, i forced her to go to her doctor and find out why she had no sex drive. Turns out she has a low testosterone levels which is rare and she could get shots to increase her amount of it. I told her it was up to her to get the shots, I felt bad enough for makin her go to the doctor. She took the shots for a few months but that was it, she didn't like getting a needle.

So it was back to the same old thing, Me laying in bed with the women I love who I cannot have a sexual relationship with. Eventually I had a nervous/emotional break down. I couldn't take it anymore. I need a sexual physical relationship and was not going to be getting it from her. I knew I didn't want to cheat and I didn't want to hurt her..but in the end something had to give..

I broke the poor girls heart, still kills me to this day to think of the night that i broke down and told her that I had to leave. She was not to happy about it, but I needed something she wasn't going to give me and had no desire to try and want to fix.

That was 2 years ago, It took her probably 6 months or so to realize that there was a problem at home and I did the right thing, now we are great friends and get along perfect.

So now 2 years later I am still single, no GF and only had a couple of "friends" over the last 2 years, although I have had more sex in the last 2 years then in the last 5 of my marriage.

People always ask me how it is different now then when I was married, since I am not having a sexual relationship on a regular basis'(sp). Well..I don't have the opportunity right now so the craving is not there, sure I want it..but not like when you go to bed every night beside the person you are in love with and want to have sex with them, feel close to them etc..and know that you can't cause they just have no desire to have sex..Its a major mind trip..

Sometimes I think it would have been easier to just have a fling on the side, since I loved my wife to death, but then I would feel quilty as hell, So I couldn't. I went the other way and ended our marriage. Which was a lot harder and more costly.

But in the end, we are both happy, get along great and are good friends. If I had cheated, I doubt we would be friends at all.

So, I dunno if cheating is the way to go or not, I couldn't and went the other way..which is a lot harder to do.


EDIT - I might mention that this started when we were 26 or so, I just turned 33, seperated when we were 31.

To me that is to soon for a healthy young couple to stop having sex, in yer mid 20's . Now If i was in my late 40's or something I am sure I would have gone a different way and just dealt with it.. but when yer young, like me :) , Its a very important part of the relationship, makes you feel closer together.

It can go the same way. You have to be open minded to realize that there are and always will be people who have strict views of right and wrong. They should be applauded for them, because *reference last post* having physicallity problems can not be easy. Instead of having an affair, cdnjeepin was honest with his wife, and they went through the discussion process together.


So there is no sex. Ask yourself this....Does Sex rule your life? Is it the most important thing? Where are your priorities.

If physicality, and being sexual were the most important part of my relationship with my Ex then we would probably still be together, cause that was the good thing about it. But we lacked other things - self confidance, trust, and faith. I beleive those are the keys to a good relationship - and sex can go in the backseat where it belongs :p

All kidding aside, isn't "withholding sex" legal grounds for divorce in some states?

-Mikey

Mikey I believe you are correct. Not sure which states though. I have heard that this is the case.

1234567890

Bingo.....

you who are saying the moderator has a problem by just saying cheating is wrong, i can't agree with you. Regardless of the situation, there's no excuse for being an adulterer. If you can't work out your issues with your wife then you need either a) abstain if you're giong to stick with her or B) leave if that's your position. Just off and having an affair is not only irresponsible and wrong, is not being fair to your Partner. you're alleged life partner is supposed to be someone you care about as much, if not more, than you care about yourself. its wrong to cheat and there are many other alternatives...

I can't think of any excuse which would justify an affair. I think an affair is just a way to avoid handling the problem the correct way, whether it be by just talking to your partner, counseling or divorce, if necessary. I could never have sex with someone other than my wife while married and I know I couldn't justify it, no matter what the situation.

Or rookies with more educated posts?


I agree that there is no excuse for cheating. Yes, not having sex is also a breach of marraige vows, but that doesn't give you an invitation to be an adulterer. If things are that bad and you can't work it out, you should not be in that relationship. You should move on so you can find someone you won't cheat on.

And more information from Sika would make this thread bloom!

the short answer- NO.

I've been there too and it is a HARD situation to deal with. In the last 6 months of my relationship we had sex exactly once. I never cheated on her BUT if during that time I had had the opportunity to I probably would have. I loved her very much but I was frustrated and angry and unhappy, which is still no excuse but when you've tried everything else cheating starts to get very tempting. I ended up leaving her just like the other poster and am much happier for it.

Fuck NO!!!!!!!!!

It's still pretty important, and I'm in my 40s. So don't be too sure. :lol:

But does it justify an affair? No. Affairs are dishonest, and you owe your partner honesty.

Alienation of Affection -- and only if you live in these states:

Hawaii
Illinois
Mississippi
New Hampshire
New Mexico
North Carolina
South Dakota
Utah

http://www.lifemanagement.com/fsa7.1.2015/

I think it's wrong to cheat on her but, I also think she's wrong to withold sex from you. you should talk it out.

It's a sufficient excuse to TALK TO YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR NEEDS! :mad:

Alright- just a little pet peeve of mine- Sika2, if you're out there, post a follow up to what everyone on here has suggested. Quite a few people have taken the time to post on here to try and give you some advice. I'm sure we all could help you out even better if you follow up to some of our questions.

(End rant)

i would have to agree with this....just cause he is a moderator shouldnt mean that he cant have a closed opinion on something such as cheating!

as for my opinion...i have been married for 3 years and in the back of my mind i wanted to but have never acted on it. I have talked to my wife and well it has gotten somewhat better but now that she is prego she gets tired easier and when we would get the opportunity she isnt in the mood which is okay cause she is carried my son :)

The funny thing is...with my daughter and this one otw we know exactly when it happened cause we only had sex like once around that time! :lol:

Maybe they got thrown out of their house because their spouse found out about them having an affair and the spouse got to keep the PC...

I am not sure that I used the right word by saying an affair. I guess I really meant find "sex" outside of the marrige, perhaps without the complications involved in an affair. Thanks for all your replies. They have certainly given me food for thought.

Hmmm... It seems to me that infidelity is typically the result of a failed marriage, not the cause of one.

It's funny how everyone assumed Sika2 was a man, and that his wife was automatically to blame for "with holding sex" like it was on purpose or something. What if she has a problem? I would blame Sika for not talking to her about it in that case, not bash on the partner for "with holding sex".

you say you're looking for sex outside of your marriage. From this I can glean that you are probably not in an open marriage, and frustrated with whatever is causing your love life to be lacking. nevertheless, this is definitely something you should be talking to your wife about instead of a bunch of strangers.

You ask us a question with some serious underlying issues with very little information to give us an idea of what's causing you to ask the question. so I'll say this: if you can't talk to your wife about doing something, it's probably a bad idea.

How do you think she would react if you asked her the same question?

How do you think she would react if she found out you were fucking around?

Do you care?

eh, I wouldn't say the marriage failed unless both parties tried they're ASS off to get through things. Infidelity is more the case of one person giving up or simply not being satisfied.