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Old 11-08-2004, 01:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: Edinburg, TX
How do you increase your sex drive??

So I told myself that forums like these were full of crazy people not wanting to help, just wanting to laugh, and here I am asking for advice. Well here it goes...

My boyfriend is a sexaholic, and as much as I want to think that is a bad thing, it probably isn't. At least whenever I am in the mood, I know he will.

However, that's the problem. When he is in the mood the majority of the time I'm not. I feel that I am not being 100% "supportive" in the relationship. When we have sex it's great, but I don't think it is often enough for his liking.

Another thing: My "sex life" started out with a rape, so sometimes I feel down whenever I think about having sex.

Some people will say that's normal, but that doesn't help the situation, so I guess I am truly asking if anyone out there knows of a way to boast a woman's sex drive. (Preferably without pills)


Thanks ahead of time for the advice.
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Old 11-08-2004, 03:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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all i can say is how sincerly sorry i am. my girlfriend is currently a virgin and we're in a long distance relationship, but she brought up going on the pill two days ago. i only mention this because she was raped too... i'm sorry this does nothing to answer your question, but i just had to say how sorry i am
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Old 11-08-2004, 03:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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kg, so sorry to hear about how you started out. I've been married 20 years and faithful. When my wife and i got together in the beginning, it was kind of love at first sight. Maybe thats what you need. You have a right to be suspicious and fearful of men. Just keep looking until there's chemistry. I dont know if you have that with your boyfriend. If you do, maybe therapy. If not, maybe you should look elsewhere. Tough advice but maybe something to think about.
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Old 11-08-2004, 03:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Mine too, started out that way at almost 17....I knew I had two choices...(not meant to sound as crass as it might) give in and be a victim the rest of my life and let the man that took my virginity "win" and have hold over the rest of my life....OR realize that not all men are that way and NOT let the shithead win and keep control over my own life and sexuality.

Anyone thats read any of my posts knows I have a VERY active sex life so you can see what direction I went in.....of course my mother always said she'd never met a woman stronger than me...or a woman that could say...this is the way its gonna be...and thats the way it is.

I know not all women can be that way...but I just HATE really really HATE to see a rapist "win".

The first thing you need to do is decide which kind of woman you're going to be....once you realize that you have a CHOICE and put yourself on the right path it will help things a lot for you.

Sorry...thats all the advice I have....
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Old 11-08-2004, 04:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hey...

It's funny... Your situation sounds like the one my girlfriend is in. We've been together for about 3 years and our relationship is rock solid. In the beginning we were going at it like rabits, trying out new positions, new locations, new toys. Lately, in the past year, I've found that I am by far hornier than she is. I'm hard at the drop of a bra, but she needs stimulation first.

Her first sexual experience was also a rape when she was young. But she has gone through a lot of therapy to come to grips with it. She has even forgiven her rapist. It's hard to say if the rape is completly to blame. My gf is getting ready to start her final semester of college so we consider stress to be a big factor.

My advice to you is to seek counseling. If money is tight because you're in college, then find a psychiatrist that works on a sliding scale (less money you make, the less they charge). If the thought of sex causes you to feel depressed, you may have some issues you need to egt off your chest in order to feel better.
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Old 11-08-2004, 04:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Do you excersize or work out, or get the blood flowing in ways other than sex? I hear over and over again that getting into shape, losing excess weight and increasing blood flow around the body will increase your sex drive. I think on the Health & Fitness boards people often mention an increased sex drive after starting an excersize routine.
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Old 11-08-2004, 04:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I can attest to the increased sex drive after excercising. I was horny as hell before I started working out, but now that I lift and do other things to lose weight it can get pretty insane.

I wouldn't worry about being "supportive" in your relationship. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to, and I doubt your boyfriend wants you to be in a position where you're not enjoying yourself. Have you considered actually talking about your boyfriend about this, and getting his opinion? It's amazing what can happen when you're open and honest about things.

If you're getting depressed about sex, I think you need to make sure you're comfortable with sex and yourself before you can expect your sex drive to kick into gear. Sex is incredibly psychological, and enjoyment of sex is supposed to operate on multiple levels. The fact that you have great sex is a fantastic sign.
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Old 11-08-2004, 10:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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It sounds like you're on the right path, realizing there might be an issue. You're realizing that you may need some help to work though your thoughts about your past, present and future. Preferrably, you can find someone who is an unbiased third party, like a therapist, that can talk you through your past, so you can analyze it and come to terms with it now, so you can lead a future without that weight of unresolved feelings.

You can do it, and you'll be thankful you did...for the rest of your life...

Oh, and your boyfriend might be happy you did it too. :-)
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Old 11-08-2004, 11:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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For myself, I've always found that having sex makes me want more sex. Fantasizing makes me want to fantasize more often. Masturbating makes me hornier all around. However, when you're not in the mood... it just kind of spirals downward from there sometimes.

And then there's the advice that any doctor would give you... get lots of sleep, eat the right foods, get good exercise, and look after yourself.

I know being raped may be part of the problem, but, I wanted to tell you that having a lower sex drive than your man is a very common relationship issue facing all kinds of women out there. It's not necessarily because of the past.

However, if you are having trouble with sexual thoughts because of the rape... maybe talking to a counsellor is a good idea if you haven't already. Or maybe just talking with your boyfriend about it would be good. Maybe keeping a journal if talking about it is too difficult? Maybe talking here is helping

I guess those are just my thoughts.. I hope it helped a tiny bit.
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Old 11-09-2004, 08:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I love my boyfriend very much. I'm graduating (college) in May, and yes it is a very stressful time for me. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it is the stress.

I have found that sometimes when I am held down (non forcefully), but enough so that I can't move my shoulders, I flip sometimes. I know it's difficult on my b/f because of this, and yes he's understanding (most of the time), but I do wish to be aroused more often to meet his sexual needs.
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Old 11-11-2004, 06:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I am in a similar situation... though reversed. I am the one who wants sex all the time and he is the one with the decreased sex drive. When we first started dating, it was everyday, multiple times a day and it was great. Now, the quality is still just as amazing... just not as often as I would like. There is no way that I want our sex life to be what it was in the beginning (we just don't have the time!), but I do wish that it would pick up a bit. It makes me feel unwanted and unattractive that he does not have a "typical guy" sex drive when it comes to me (I tend to think that I'm not turning him on or whatever, though he vehemently denies that), but we deal with it the best we can, ie: I just accept the fact that I'm not gonna get it as often as I want it.
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Old 11-11-2004, 06:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Look, if I were you I wouldn't worry so much about his sexual needs as I would about yours. From what you've described here, you're extremely suppressed in the area of your sexuality. While that may not seem like a problem from where you are... Imagine if your taste buds were broken and you could only taste 10% of any flavor. And imagine you never knew anything other than that. It'd be "fine", right? "Chocolate? Whatever. It's not that great." That's sort of what you're describing here.

I know that having a horny boyfriend adds guilt to the equation, but that's not going to help anything, and he's definitely not the reason for you to take any action about this. I strongly recommend councelling or therapy to deal with your trauma so that YOU can live the life YOU want to live.
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Old 11-11-2004, 08:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ratbastid
Look, if I were you I wouldn't worry so much about his sexual needs as I would about yours. From what you've described here, you're extremely suppressed in the area of your sexuality. While that may not seem like a problem from where you are... Imagine if your taste buds were broken and you could only taste 10% of any flavor. And imagine you never knew anything other than that. It'd be "fine", right? "Chocolate? Whatever. It's not that great." That's sort of what you're describing here.

I know that having a horny boyfriend adds guilt to the equation, but that's not going to help anything, and he's definitely not the reason for you to take any action about this. I strongly recommend councelling or therapy to deal with your trauma so that YOU can live the life YOU want to live.
I couldnt say it any better myself...

but to answer you ?.....ur situation sounds alot like mine...my wife has a very small sex drive and i basically used to beg her for sex...i gave up on that and now i either introduce her to say things i have seen on here (ladies lounge for one), talk about it, or she looks at porn(including stories)...that is the number one way to turn her on when she isnt lol...also that is how she became prego this time
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Old 11-11-2004, 09:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Location: Massachusetts, USA
One, you're stressed. Two, age 19 is a guy's sexual peak. A woman's peak is supposed to be around age 35. Mismatched sexual appetites is normal, and it changes over time. Don't sweat this.
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Old 11-21-2004, 04:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Why do you afraid to take pills that increase sexual desire? Some of them are very effective. My girlfriend had the same problem. But then she started to take Sentia pills and I don’t remember a longer pause than a few days when we didn’t make love togather. I think that these pills can help you too.
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Old 11-23-2004, 07:56 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I've had a very strong sex drive since I was 13. I'm in my mid-40 now and would gladly enjoy sex at least once a day. I've also been married for 25 years to a lovely woman whose sex drive isn't close to mine. The answer is simple for any oversexed male as I've found out. It's called romance. My lady loves to be romanced, seduced, whatever you want to call it. It requires attention to detail on my part, wanting to set the stage for a nice time, and has yet to let me down. Her sex drive has increased in the last 5 years, so that's been nice. I would talk to you bf about your concerns. If he loves you, he'll figure out what lights your fire. Everyone is different. Just because he's walking around with wood all day doesn't mean he shouldn't have to spend time wooing you some. Good luck.

Regards
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Old 11-28-2004, 11:00 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unright
If money is tight because you're in college, then find a psychiatrist that works on a sliding scale (less money you make, the less they charge). If the thought of sex causes you to feel depressed, you may have some issues you need to egt off your chest in order to feel better.
Most colleges have free counseling services available, many specifically geared to rape recovery, so if you are in college, you might check these out.

Also, when looking for counseling, if the first counselor doesn't work for you, TRY ANOTHER. Don't get discouraged...you have to get along with your counselor the same way you do with a regular person, and you might not luck out the first time
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Old 11-28-2004, 11:17 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Exercize, exercize, exercize........
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Old 11-28-2004, 03:49 PM   #19 (permalink)
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monica wrote:
For myself, I've always found that having sex makes me want more sex. Fantasizing makes me want to fantasize more often. Masturbating makes me hornier all around. However, when you're not in the mood... it just kind of spirals downward from there sometimes.

I agree totally. Masturbate more. Look inside and discover what kind of thoughts and fantasies turn you on. Masturbate to find out what you really like. Be honest with yourself. You may find you are hornier than you thought.
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Old 11-29-2004, 06:11 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kollege_gal2000
I have found that sometimes when I am held down (non forcefully), but enough so that I can't move my shoulders, I flip sometimes. I know it's difficult on my b/f because of this, and yes he's understanding (most of the time)
I believe that the term for that is being "triggered". When your brain associates an action with your past and then throws you into the moment. It can be very hard for rape victims. Make sure that you explain that kind of stuff to him if you havent already... I hope he understands and has the willpower to stop what he's doing and just care for you at those moments.
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