Locs

Ok so I just got off the phone with my buddy. We were talking reminicing about past funny sexual things some girls did. And I cant stop giggling about this one.

So this girl names Myra had a crush on me for years. I met her when I was 20. I always had a g/f or was dating someone so we never hooked-up. Well after my bad break-up of my ex-fiancee (I was now 24 or 25), I went back to my hometown, and as a rebound girl, I started dating Myra.

Now, she is pretty, nice bod, but annoying and not very bright. Also starting doing coke. Hey to each his own, but its a turn off for me, so right from the start I knew this was not going to ever be serious. Anyway...on to the stroy.

So I am dating this girl. We have sex a few times, and to be totally honest...it wasnt good. She enjoyed it, but I just really didnt. I have NO idea why. I mean its hard for a girl to NOT be good in a guys eyes...hell some guys only check for a pulse to enjoy it...and sometimes THAT is optional.

Anyway I really got to the point where I didnt even WANT to sleep with her, hell, I would rather rub it out. Well in her mind she thought I was playing "Hard to get", and it turned her on more....ugh. I avoided being alone with her as much as possible. So one night, after drinking till 4am, at her apt, I wasnt in a good condition to drive home, so I was on her couch. He roomate was in her bedroom, and her sister and her b/f where in the spare room. So I am watching TV, and trying to nicely reject sex with Myra. Her thinking "Ooooh I like this game", gets a bright idea. She goes into her room, and comes out in nothing but black stiletto high heels. Then she starts dancing for me (we were BOTH drinking fyi...), trying hard to sexy and seductive. I keep being nice, telling her I am flattered by tired, so she tries even harder. She gets up on the coffee table and starts bending over, and rubbing her body, etc... . Just as she stands back up, the coffee table leg breaks and sends her crashing down. She hits her head on the fireplace mantle and starts bleeding. I jump up to help her as she starts screaming. Well everyone in the apt comes out, and her being naked, drunk, and bleeding from the head gets embarassed and runs outside so her roomate, sister, and her sisters boyfriend dont see her. As she opened the front door and I guess the blood in her eyes didnt help, she plows strait into the newspaper delivery guy dropping off the Sunday paper.

Now...the poor paper guy has a naked, screaming, bleeding, girl on top of him, and he starts screaming. Myra's sister is yelling at me, and asking why I hit Myra, her sisters boyfriend is laughing like crazy, and her roomate is screaming because there is blood on her carpet. I grab Myra off the paper guy, dragging her back into the house, when we all find out the door is locked behind us. Holy Shit...

3 neighbors come out, and *I* am trying to explain to everyone what happened, the cops come, the abulance, and Myras parents.

Ugh what night. I still talk to Myra as friends, but she acts like this never happened. I dont blame her.

Anyone have funny stories about silly girls? Would LOVE to hear em.

PDOUBLEOP

That's hilarious

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ef you-you effing ef

KinkyKiwi

lol! thats great..she was okay tho right?

umm well i've done some pretty silly/blush worthy stuff...umm lets see...stalked a guy i had a crush on all the way to a pizza shop dressed very sexy in tiny white shorts and cutoff tee...didnt realize my mother had left chocolate on the seat...yea...still cry over that one..guy turned out to be a jerk tho so it was okay..

umm and on a first date with a very attractive wealthy guy to a very fancy restrant...slipped..slid between his legs..tried to stop myself...ended up pulling his pants down and ripping his shirt we were seated and served...but the waiter gave me funny looks teh rest of the night

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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

theburner

When I was in college I ended up getting really plastered and hooked up with our dorm Head Resident. She was an extremely rotund lady... Basically a moped. You know, fun to ride until your friends see you?

This was a Friday night.. We had sex a couple of times that night, and passed out. I set my alarm for 7am Saturday morning so that I could get her out before my buddies woke up to spare myself the embarrassment.

So.. Alarm goes off, I make up some excuse about having to go somewhere real early... So I get her up, dressed and open my door to let her out... JUST as my buddies across the hall open their door to go dawn patrol surfing.

All I hear is "What the... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..." Slam.. Of course, the walls in a dorm being paper thin I can still hear my buddies laughing behind the door.. She leaves VERY red faced, never to return. For the rest of the year my buddies got written up for everything under the sun. Me on the other hand? I didn't get in trouble for anything.

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Take Off Eh!

avhg1

This one is a little long, but one of my most traumatizing events ever.

Back in High School when I was about 16 or 17, I was dating this really nice looking blonde girl. We had been together for a few months, but it was nothing really serious. I was also a pretty different person around that time. Anyway, her parents were very religious and protective and we didn’t get much time alone at her house. She was rarely allowed to come of to my house because I lived about 45 min away and her parents always liked to be able to check on her.

One Friday night, we get her parents permission to go out to dinner and a movie, but she has to be home right after the movie. It was no big deal to me, because one of my friends was having a party and there were going to be lots of people there. I figured that after I dropped her off, I would head over and see if there were any good looking girls.

There is this really cool drive-in theater close to where she lived with a burger place across the street. So we decide to get a burger there and then head over to the movie, thinking we could fool around a bit in the car. The movie was packed and there was no where to park that wasn’t right next to someone, so we just hung out and actually watched the movie.

Now to the good part, it’s about 12am and we’re driving home from the movie. She tells me to pull over, because she wants to do something for me. She whips it out and starts giving me a great bj. I was in heaven, getting a bj then going to a party where I would probably hook up. So I’m getting into it and next thing I know I feel everything in that area get warm and wet. She pops her head up, opens the door and continues HURLING out the door. That’s right, she puked nice, chunky hamburger all over my lap. It ran down my legs, it got in the seat (think of all the cracks and crevasses) it was every where! It reeked! I was doing my best not to chuck myself. She gets back in the car and asks “Can you take me home now?” I was just looking at her in stunned surprise. If there was ever a moment where I couldn't mutter a word, that was it.

I just pulled out and drove to her house as fast as I could. As always, her parents had waited up for us. You should have seen her father’s face. Boy, that was fun.

Him “What happened to you guys?”

Me: “Sir, your daughter got sick on crotch on the way home because.. um.. err… she at a bad burger.”

Him: “Well, why is it in you lap?”

Me: “Umm… Umm..”

And about that time he got it, turned and walked back into the house. I got some paper towels and cleaned up as best as I could for the nice 45min drive home in my smelly ass car. Needless to say, by the time I got home explained to my parents about the puke and tried to start cleaning up the car, I didn’t make it to the party. I never got the car completely clean, it was down in the seat belt buckle until the day I sold the car.

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I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

denim

Yeah, and did you ever get to see that girl again?

avhg1

Actually, I did. We keep dating for a few more months, but she didn't really do that anymore.

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I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

avhg1

Oh yeah and I was only able to see her when her parents were there. Yeah right!

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I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

Seaver

HAHA man... the only funny part was my first time. Well, wasnt funny at the time but you know.

Ok it was senior year in HS, my best friend was going through rough times with his long term gf, and I happened to be doing great with my gf (her neighbor/best friend in the dorms). We waited until we could look each other in the eyes and say "I love you"... it was magical... felt awsome... taking it slow. Then the phone rang. I told her "dont answer it". She looked over it rang again, I told her again "dont answer it." So she answers it and says "I'll call you later." So she gets back under me and we start again. The phone rings again. This time she gets up, answers by yelling "WE'RE BUSY!" slams it, and unplugs it. So in my head now I KNOW my friend is going to come over and walk right in (he doesnt knock). So I get up and lock the door... sure enough 2 min later... SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM "OPEN UP FUCKER". Yelling at him to go away he keeps banging. So I'm PISSED at this point, unlock the door, open it up. So I'm there butt ass naked with an enormous hardon.... my friend is speechless. He snaps back out, gives a smile and mumbles "allright!" and left us alone. After that fiasco it was picture perfect between me and my girl again... but man we always laughed at our first time.

water_boy1999

I dated a gal VERY briefly. She was into Anne Rice, you know...the author of the Vampire Chronicles. Well, we had plain old vanilla sex the first few times. It was good and I liked her. One night we were sitting indian style, her on top of me sitting up. As she straddled me, she took her claws to my back and literally stuck every nail in about a 1/4 inch. I cringed, winced, yelled and did what most men would do under the circumstances. As I felt the warm blood trickle off my back, she leans over and whispers into my ear, "You know what would really turn me on? If you let me lick the blood off your back." Now, some people may be into that, but that was the last few minutes I ever saw of that woman. More weird than silly, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

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Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

avhg1

Yeah, I'd run! Who knows where she would be digging in next.

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I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

KinkyKiwi

oouucchh..damn water boy...well at least when people see the scars you have an interesting tale to tell

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

psyday

I don't mind a good scratch, it lets me know I'm doing a good job, but that's just insane.

The only funny thing at all that has happened to me was once my grandparents were on a trip and my gf and I at the time were on their living room floor doing our thing. Well, my aunt and a bunch of my cousins walk in the front door and see us in all our glory. It wasn't exactly funny at the time, but we laugh about it now. (Still together, 10 years now!)

Rlyss

My girlfriend and I had a lecture together once, the first class of the morning. So we're getting ready that morning, I'm just sitting on the couch in jeans and a tshirt waiting for her to get dressed so we could go to uni.

She comes out wearing a pink tutu, a tiara, pink wings and had a magic wand with a golden, glittery star on the end. I sat there, stunned. Keep in mind this is a twenty year old woman.

She said 'Are you ready? Let's go!'

I didn't move, I looked at her, and I wish I could have seen the look on my face. I asked her what the hell she was doing, and she told me she wanted to go to uni. I asked why she was dressed like that and she thought it'd just be fun, and besides, she hasn't done that for ages and she wanted to do it again. It turns out she used to dress like a fairy quite often before I met her and she didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I told her she was insane, that she looked ridiculous and I refused to be seen with her dressed like that.

Of course I understand that people can dress in all sorts of ways and that I shouldn't be judgemental, but there is no way in hell I'm going to be seen with my girlfriend dressed like that.

The dumbest thing I've ever one was when we had sex once and were messing around with honey. We had a brand new bottle of honey and I'd placed it on the carpet and we knocked it over but didn't realize until the end, about an hour later. I stood up and stepped in something sticky, looked down and there was a circular lake of honey about three feet wide in the middle of the room. That was hard to clean up.

onodrim

Oh my gosh, these are all so great! I don't have anything even close to compare with them. At least you can all laugh about it now.

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"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan

jillian

im a blonde so ive got more embarrassing stories than i care to remember.... and as far as the guy that got puked on... been there done it.. twice..... i was with a guywho was incredibly well endowed and he loved doing the typical guy thing of grabbing ur head and forcing his way in as far as he can... i was no rooking at giving a nice bj and had deepthroated before so no big deal but this guy was different he just kept forcing more and more in and he then began to use my throat like a toy.. just goes crazy with the pounding... that was all icould take... up came my lunch... he didnt even let go of my hair... he just kept trying to put it back in my mouth... i was like whoa hang on a sec... he didnt even know i did it he just thought i was drooling.. it was sooooo disgusting... we cleaned up and i tried it again this time he just hit the back of my throat and i started to heave... we made sure i wasnt going to spew the next time by taking it slow... so guys when u are holding i head and forcing us down on your member just remeber to be careful or u could end up with some recycled lunch on your junk

Zeraph

OP-comedic gold!

imkeen

I've never understood the need to FORCE a girl down on a pecker. It just doesn't respect women. Call me sensitive, or just call me a NORMAL guy who doesn't seem to think degrading women is cool. Serves the guys right, in my opinion (even though I'm a guy).

jillian

i dont mind it really.. in fact i kind of like it... i like to let a guy have his way with me... within thelimits of course... but i figure if it feels good go for it... there is just something hot about letting a guy doing whatever he wants to me... to be in his complete control... his own sex toy i guess... just as long as he has no problems me grabbing his head and burying his face where ever i need it or telling him what to do.... but there are other times where i just like sweet making love.. no nastyness.. no degrading just both people pleasing each other... there is a time and a place for each.... if that makes any sense

omega2K4

Bahahahahah, that is hilarious

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"While the State exists there can be no freedom. When there is freedom there will be no State." - Vladimir Ilyich Lenin

"Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form."- Karl Marx

yankeefatboy

Hell even if I did have a story, I couldn't match that one. Great stuff. Hopefully she was ok.

guthmund

I have a puke story to share.

This gal I used to work with fell madly, head over heels in lust with my roommate (I've mentioned him in other threads; he was the greasy hombre). Anyway, her brilliant plan was to get him totally shit faced then "offer" herself to him in hopes that being drunk and chock full of alcohol he'd go along and give her a good rogering.

When the weekend arrived, she enlisted me to buy the booze and we had one of our regular get togethers at our apartment. The night went splendidly, we ate, we played music, we drank, we pissed off the neighbors and fended off a few visits from the police. Around 4 in the morning, my roommate, now slobbering drunk heads to his bed to pass out. The plan-master follows him with a hefty bottle of Boones and a sly smile.

About 30 minutes later we my roommate heaving, the gal screaming and a few seconds later she's running out the bedroom with very little on and covered in vomit. It seems her plan to get him drunk worked like a charm. She hit on him and he accepted (he was never very picky. One of those "pulse-optional guys" Locs mentioned). Apparently, however, as they were going at it, she got a little carried away and the bouncing became a little too much and my roommate projectile vomited all over his bed mate and himself. The rest....well, explains itself, no?

We had a lot of good laughs at the expense of that poor, poor girl.

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No signature. None. Seriously.

Flaymin'

This is not a pukestory, but I think it'll do...

Several years ago (about 6) I was coming back from a party with a girl.
We a good deal: She was my fuckbuddy and I called her my "Gothmattress". (to my experience, goth girls are quite kinky) No relationship, just sportfucking when she's not on her period. It was great!

Back to the evening.
We were sitting in the bus, on the backseat. We kind of couldn't wait to get to my place, so we figured we'd do "manual good" to each other. I opened my zipper for her hand and tuck my hand under her skirt. (we made sure no one could see)
In the middle of our ride a guy I knew came in with a friend of his. I was a gentleman and introduced my date and we exchanged a few words. I didn't know the guy that well, so we didn't keep up an uncomfortable chat. Besides, the guys noticed that we were a bit drunk and kind of left us licking eachother's faces.

After a few weeks I ran into him in a roleplaying store. (our mutual hobby)
I mentioned I remembered seeing him in the bus. He was like "You and that gothchick have good sex later? Cuz you seemed somewhat busy tonguewrestling."
I told him what we ALSO did back there.
That broke the ice between us!

I originally picked her up in a bar with a line "Nice boots. Wanna fuck?". Next morning she told me she was 17. (I was around 21 then)

These days he's one of my best friends.

BTW, remembering now, I think she introduced herself as "Flaymin's gothmattress" in the party...

Locs

Dude...I WISH I had a goth girl.

That is one fantasy NEVER fulfilled. They are my weakness....mmMMMmm. But I would have no idea where to find me one, and less on how to approach one. Ahh well.

Oh and just because some of you guys asked, Myra was fine. It was a small cut on her head, but it bled like hell. Much worse looking than it actually was.

Konichiwaneko

goth girls are great

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Charlatan

This was back in University... I had a summer job at Healthy grocery store... (organic fruit and veg, bulk food, etc.). There was this one cashier that used to flirt with me all the time... One night it was just the two of us closing the store. In order to close the store you had to lock all the doors, turn off the lights, set the alarm and exit by the back door. Essentially this space is just the top of the stairs to the basement, a door to outside, a door into the shop and the top of the conveyor belt they used to take supplies to the basement coolers and storage. A small space.

As I am obout to lock the backdoor, she spins me around and plants a big wet kiss on me... Well one thing leads to another and we have our hands all over each other. The only place for us to get more comfortable without going somewhere else is to lay down on the conveyor belt. Before I know it we are going at it like rabbits... the only thing is, she is a screamer. You know the type... moaning and carrying on like a porn film with the volume turned up...

Suddenly, movement... one of us has hit the big green button and the conveyor belt is moving. Still fucking, we ride the conveyor slowly into the basement.

When we reach the bottom, I try to reach up and hit the big red stop button... only she starts to writhe and scream in earnest... I figure I'm doing something right so I move away from the Stop button to keep doing what I'm doing... Then I hear, my hair!

The screams are no longer passion but something much more horrible... I quickly slap the emergency stop!

Her long, thick, dark hair has become caught in the chain drive at the bottom of the conveyor... she was about two seconds from being scalped.

I managed to get a lot of her hair out of the chain (which was extremely greasy)... the rest I had to cut to get her free. In the end, she left a chunk of her hair in the conveyor and had a big dreadlock of matted hair...

For months after, evertime I would walk by the conveyor, I would see her hair tangled in the contraption. I don't know if anyone else ever saw it or wondered how it got there.

I saw her a few more times at work but she never really flirted with me again...

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

ratbastid

You know, that made the story right there.

I have a few silly girl stories to share, but since I'm still married to the silly girl in question, I'll have to let discretion be the better part.

Charlatan

Discretion is key... a fine choice Mr. Bastid

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

daneo

Hmm, silly girls.

Well, I don't really have any good stories, but I'll tell one that's kind of funny from back when I was 16. I went to a party in a little town outside of my town (the big town in the area). Anyway, the night is going fine and we're having a lot of fun. As the night goes on I notice a girl checking me out every chance she gets and even though she wasn't the most beautiful creature god ever created I was drunk enough to accept that. At one point I take a look at her and decide that it's probably time we go outside. She of course gets up and follow me out and we start kissing outside on the street. Drunk as we were we walked around a bit and found a bench to sit on.

I hadn't really noticed where we were going as this girl constantly had her tongue down my throat, but I though we were in some kind of park. Well, I start groping her a bit, different stuff and suddenly she jumps up screaming. I of course think that I've done something horrible to her, but I look around and notice we're in a graveyard and she's panicking completely about this fact. Now I'm not a Christian, I'm not superstitious and I am in no way afraid of death, but this girl was completely panicking and I really hadn't any clue what to do. I was laughing, trying to calm her down and trying to drag her out of this graveyard at the same time, but no dice. Suddenly she ran away and I sat down for 5 minutes on the same bench and sighed deeply and drunk as I was, I was trying to calm down the dead (don't ask, I do these things when drunk).

As you can imagine there were enough jokes about how bad a kisser I was when I returned to the party. Of course that girl had run straight back to the party and then run home. I was later told by my friends that she was the son (edit: not son, the DAUGHTER ) of a priest and apparently a bit screwed up in the head. Of course I thanked my friends for not telling me about that at the party, I mean, you're always just craving to hook up with the psychotic, Christian girl now aren't you...

Charlatan

Well there's your problem right there... when he came to, he realized he was kissing a guy and freaked out...

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

daneo

Wow. That's right. The daughter of a priest. That's a pretty stupid misspelling...

Aladdin Sane

You have captured my imagination. Wow. You are definately my kind of girl. Would you mind have a little talk with my wife?

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

shyguy

Wow, that sounds like a scene straight out of a sitcom. That's hilarious.

waltert

lol, my god thats classic. you made my day!

MSD

I don't have any stories to tell, but if water boy and rlyss will forwad me the contact information for the girls in their stories, I will be glad to provide accounts of the waccky antics that follow.