Self-doubt and how its killing me...
 

I apologize for the length...

First, a little background.

All thru high school and college I was the "Teddy-bear," the guy any girl could go to with problems and I'd be a shoulder to cry on. It was painfull hearing about all these girls with terrible boyfriends that would never even guess that I liked them, because I would never speak up and tell them.
I finally got the guts to actually speak up and tell a girl towards the end of my first year at college, and we actually hit it off. After the first couple weeks we were living together, and after 18 months we planned on getting married, and I really loved her. A couple days before the wedding I caught her cheating on me with my best friend, and I swore off women forever.
That was about 6 years ago, and I've found another girl I love. She lives in another state, but its back home for me. I'll be moving there in about 3 months, and can't wait to hold her. We talk on the phone whenever possible, and I write her a note at least every day. But the old feelings keep coming back up. She has never given me any reason to doubt her, and I know its all in my head, but I feel like its just a matter of time till my heart gets crushed again.
What can I do to stop these thoughts in my head? They really are driving me nuts, it seems like if something happens where we don't talk for a day or two because of scheduling or whatever I start spiraling down quickly and get depressed, thinking she's found someone better than me or whatever.
I'm not a ugly guy, a little out of shape, but I'm working on that, I've been told I'm charming, and witty, but none of this sinks in. I still feel like I'm the bottom of the barrel and any girl I fall in love with is gonna leave me by the wayside.
She just started a new job, and 4 of her brothers are getting ready to deploy to iraq, so I know shes incredibly busy right now, but knowing and feeling are different things. How do I deal with this?

Man, when you find out be sure to let me know too. I'm kind of in the same boat. Every woman I've been with before my wife has cheated on me and if my wife were to do it too I'd swear off women for a while myself. So I guess you could say that I have some trust issues too that still affect me to this very day. Just don't like getting my heart trampled on.

I don't think it could take much more.

The only thing you can do is trust her, and if it does happen again it is her loss. Don't beat yourself up just because you had one relationship with a biatch. It happens to the best of us.

When someone has has betrayed your trust, it's very hard to get it back. I know exactly where you are right now.

What I can tell you, is that the first woman's decision to cheat was entirely her choice and her decision, and there was nothing you could have done to stop it, therefore you weren't responsible. Don't blame yourself.

The currentl young lady, likes and appreciates you, for you, because you are a nice guy, not to mention adorable. Don't assume that she's going to do the same thing, she's a different person, you're a different person now. Have some faith in her that she likes you for you.

Don't think about what might happen, because you don't know. There's something called self-fulfilling prophecy, that if you think something will happen, it will. If you think that your current young lady loves you and will be faithful to you, then she will.

You are good enough, and people do like you...

Don't sell yourself short and don't shut yourself off from women because some are bitches

You sound very nice and capable of giving love - other nice people want to receive love and give it. Most of us need to try out a few to figure out the traits to look for in a mate - what works and what doesn't, and as you go you may learn to adjust what you think you are looking for.

Time is money though and if you think this one isn't *it* move on, if you hesitate you might miss the one you are seeking. Don't ever settle.

listen, been there and one thing that I have always done, is trust those that I let get close to me...no hesitation. I have never cheated and have been cheated on twice while in longterm relationships, I have never wavered.. And as a result of my convictions and believes I have found a person with my core values and a full completeness and trust has followed.... life is funny that way.

I used to doubt myself, but not any longer, for the simple fact that I was never the one doing the WRONG...

I'm also trying to be open about it, and talk about it with her, but I'm kinda afraid it will drive her away. I just feel like I'm jumping into a pool with no water in it lately...

What you said describes my life also.

I was with someone 6 years who cheated right before we were married. Now I have someone new who is very trustworthy but I find the old doubts creeping right back in all the time. It is almost like they sabbatoge my happiness.

All I can tell you is what I tell myself. You cannot worry about things like that otherwise you will drive yourself crazy. There is no way to guess the future. Everything will work out as it should and you have to have faith in that.

I know it is hard. I struggle everyday of my life.

I know how you feel, I was betrayed as well by the girl I was completly in love with, that was about 2 years ago and she has since married however no matter how horrid she made me feel I am incredibly still in love with her. The feelings I still have for her have been preventing me from getting close to anyone since then. Even people I know I should care about, I have become essentially numb. She seems to come along every once in awhile to entice my feelings again, and no matter how much I know its the wrong thing in the long run, the occasional times I get to see her end up being my only relief.

I'm another who related to your story, but only in part. I was the "tedy bear" guy too, and until just recently in my late 20's I lacked the self confidence to really have a relationship that worked. I now have a girlfriend who is amazing sexy and smart. I had given up on having a love life until I met her. I had resigned to the belief that I would die alone, and never feel requited love.
I haven't really had a problem with cheating girlfriends (maybe due to the limited number and lengths of relationship), but throughout my life I have been very close friends with many women. The thing I've learned most is that this Mars/Vernus stuff is mostly crap. the differences between men and women are minor compared to the differences in people in general. Why I think this relates to your post is that it's not that women are cheaters (some are, some aren't , just like men (and I would argue at about the same rate, seems many women are just better at keeping it hidden)or that once a cheater always a cheater. This is one of those things (like life) that all you can do is what you belive is right for yourself and those you love, and hope that it goes well. sometimes it will, sometimes it won't. but the odds of good things happening increase when act out of love and trust.
wow, I didn't realize I'm such a hippy, oh well
hope this had some value for you

Tough situation. I think it sounds as if once you're in a relationship, you tend to develop a kind of dependency on that person. You don't need to write them a note everyday, and your life certainly does not have to revolve around them 24 hours in order for them to feel like you love them. Keep that in mind. And if you get cheated on, so what? Some people cheat. It's not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of them. They're going to cheat on someone whether it's you or the next guy.

It's a tough thing to say, but don't sweat it. Dig?

One minute of depression, sadness, or mistrust is 60 seconds of joy that is lost forever. That, my friend, is the best solution I can offer.

When I feel the spiral, I put on the brakes! I pull out a tablet and write down 10 new things I love about her. That night, when she falls asleep, I use a whiteboard marker and write them on her bathroom mirror.

Replace a negative thought with a positive thought and SHARE IT!

i know how you feel but i agree you gotta concentrate on the positive i'm kinda in a similar situation but though it can bring me down i have so many great things in my life and great friends to pull me up and i'm sure you do too

What is it with people who cheat? Yeah, yeah, we're all human, we all make mistakes.

Bottom line? THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR IT.

At least, at the very least, you owe it to the person who has given you their heart and trust, to tell them.

I disagree, there's nothing wrong with cheating. It's a natural response to the ridiculous relationship rules imposed on people.

My advice would be to pre-empt the issue. Explain that it's understandable that people want variety, but you're also looking for someone to be with long term. SO that if she does go with others to a) be sure to always use protection, b) always be back to you at the end of the day and c) to never let you know (or always let you know if you're into that kind of thing).

Just try to enjoy things. Don't get into the relationship looking to smother or control her and hopefully she'll return the favor.

Open relationship? Absolutely not! I'm not open to that at all. I'm much more of the one partner for the rest of my life school of thought there.