janda_janda

..............

sushiboy

Do you think he is getting satisfied elsewhere? I hate to bring that up, but it is a possibility.

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janda_janda

I've asked - he denies

I don't think he has time really - but I'm alert

edit - doesn't mean i'm not being fooled

sushiboy

As a man, when I am stressed, I don't feel like getting freaky very often, but I don't think that I have been stressed out for a long extended period of time.
I can't imagine that he would turn down a blow job. maybe start doing that to get him in the mood.

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Lockjaw

I can think of three reasons and they are all going to be brutally honest so don't take offense just from my experience it's one of these things...

1) He's cheating. Hate to say it but a lot of guys that stop showing interest sexually in their woman and absolutely never initiate relations tend to be the guys who are looking and finding that elsewhere.

2) Something about you has changed and he simply no longer is finding you sexually attractive. Again this is horriblely brutal but have you gained weight lately? Have you changed your look dramatically?

3) Something somewhere is pissing him off. Is he going through a real bad time at work? Are you guys fighting a lot? Did you guys recently have a child or did somebody near to him die or get sick?

If you don't suspect that he's cheating, he's not stressed and you haven't changed physically significantly then I honestly don't know what the problem is and he might just be playing a mind game. If that's the case just keep persuing him. Sometimes guys want to feel lusted after as well. I like it honestly when a girl is putting the moves on me. Makes me feel that I'm not being the typical overdemanding male and that I make her hot as much as she makes me hot.

farcryer

Sometimes I feel rather the same way towards my wife, I sometimes ask myself if I have a roommate instead of a wife. But never underestimate the power of stress/fatigue. Even a little bit can throw many, many people completely off balance. Away from work, the daily grind, our messy apartment, my wife can be a real animal almost every day. Tired, frazzled, I sometimes have to pry it out of her. Don't shut him out, try and keep communications open (then again, don't pester). Or else, just go somewhere and be together for a while, if that's an option at all. It does wonders.

Lockjaw

I'm a proponent of waiting for him when he gets home buck naked and ready. Do that for like a week straight and there really is nothing wrong he'll start wondering what's going on when you stop doing it.

maleficent

Try getting away from your life... or away from home -- go away for a short break with him -- to a local hotel- -if there are kids -- drop them somewhere you trust - and just go somewhere where you can get to know each other.

Sometimes, when you're with someone for a while, familiarity with them can get real familiar and well -- things might get familiar. Go on a date with him.

Have you had children recently, I've heard of some men having a hard time seeing their wives as sexual beings after they've become mom's.

Keep the communication open -- but try to do it without blaming - -don't say YOU dont do this referring to him-- keep it about how you feel...

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janda_janda

...,,,,,,,,,,,,,

maleficent

Maybe he doesn't think he's attractive to you?

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StickODynomite

Well said maleficent!

Another tip: Dont use absolute language. No words like 'never' 'always'... and like maleficent said.. dont say "YOU" .. everything you say should be in reference to your feelings...


I also recommend getting away and going somewhere very private if you can. A place where you can walk & talk (this really helps me)... a place that relaxes you.

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"The human mind is like a parachute, it works best when open."

tom12

dress really sexy and get him nice and horny and be like "if you dont wanna do me someone else will"

Bill O'Rights

WRONG! Ultimatums are not the answer. Backing him into a corner will not deliver the results that you desire, and will only serve to make matters worse. Believe that.

1.) How old are you guys? Age does play a factor in the frequency of "encounters". It shouldn't kill it entirely, but it does lessen.
2.) Does he smoke? That lessens the sex drive.
3.) Coffee? Too much caffeine will also lessen the sex drive.
4.) What about your personal finances? Is he stressed out over where the money is going to come from to pay the mortgage, both car payments, the kids tuition and the grocery bill?
5.) How are things at work? Is he where he thought that he should be by now? Or is he perceiving his professional life as a failure?
6.) What about the house? Does he have to wade through mountains of clutter? Believe it or not, it's a factor.
7.) Is it possible that he's bored with his life?

Mal gave you, in my opinion, some excellent advice. She usually does. Get out of the day to day to day to day routine. Go to a restaraunt that you've never been to before. Go dancing at that hot new club. Hell, even going to the opening of a new exhibit at the art gallery. Anything new, different, unusual. Then, for gods sake, don't go home. Go to a nice hotel. Or...be "naughty". Go to a sleazy little "notell". You know...the ones that go for $26.99, right off the interstate. Just mix it up.

Above all...communicate. Don't accuse. Don't berate. Don't harp. Don't belittle. Just...talk.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

virgin

Maybe the guy, is having erectile difficulties, that's pretty devastating to the male ego.

Aladdin Sane

I've read that men who are getting sex on the side actually may increase their sexual activities at home-- it's an attempt to cover their tracks. I don't think your man is cheating. My vote is for he is stressed and/or he's having erectile dysfunction. It's time to have a talk with him.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

adam

Another possibility is that he is depressed; depression often reduces libido sharply.

ratbastid

Anybody else have a red flag go up on "don't think he has time really"? What's he spending his time on? Work? Is he really busy? I suspect that stress is at the heart of this thing. When I've got more going on than I can handle, sex is the last thing on my mind.

Also, how long has this been going on? If it's a matter of weeks or even a couple months, you're probably not dealing with a long-term thing. When it comes to Not Getting Sex (or anything else we want, for that matter), people tend to magnify the problem and turn it into a "he never" or "it never" thing. When the reality of it might be: he's been under a lot of pressure at work because of a project that started four or five weeks ago, and he can't help bringing that stress home.

Find out where he's at. Conversations like, "You're not screwing me. Are you getting it on the side?" won't really forward things here. Let him know you're concerned about him, you'd like to know what's going on in his head. Give him room to open up or not, whatever he's comfortable with.

Slarty Bartfast

Your comment that for a long time you weren't interested, and now the tables have turned is interesting. If he got ticked enough, perhaps he's in a mental state where he's saying "fine, I'll give her a taste of her own medicine". Otherwise translated, "now it's time for her to come after ME." Now I'm not saying it's on purpose, but perhaps subconsciously (SP?) that's what's going on. Sounds pretty harsh, I suppose.

Or, I actually managed to read that "men are from mars...." book, in there they said that men sometimes like to go back to their cave and hide for a while, collect themselves, and then come back. Maybe the pain of rejection (which some men never admit) was enough to throw him into a "cave" period. I know I get there sometimes. It actually was an interesting read, btw, for male AND female readers.

Again, communication, devotion, *patience*, understanding and forgiveness. Have all those been mentioned above?

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"My theory on life: Run screaming into the void" - Unknown, I only wish I would have said that first. And no, that's not my picture. Do you know whose it is???

CunningLinguist

I'd say it's more likely that the increase in those cases is due to being arroused by memories of the other partner, not trying to cover tracks... A guy can't exactly do it when he doesn't have a desire to do it.

I do think it's common from both sexes to go through a change in sexual activity if cheating is a factor. If sex were good, it might slump. If sex were bad, it might inexplicably get better... Change in sexuality can be a bad sign. Did it suddenly change or has it been more gradual?

I'd be tempted to back off for awhile. He might just be very stressed and busy, and it may not be high on his priorities. Chances are though, that if he notices that you've stopped desiring it as much he'll try to make you desire it. He's got to get sex from someone, it's only a matter of time before he spontaneously combusts! On the down side, too much attention to the issue will probably not help much.

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Jason
94 3000GT VR4 (12.67 @ 105.93 & 12.802 @ 109.40)
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denim

Yes, good point: there could be a drug interaction issue. For instance, some meds for high blood pressure take the "stiff" out of your stiffy, leaving you with "why". If the problem could be something like this, have him tell his doctor STAT about the problem. I had this issue a few years ago, and changed to an ACE inhibitor, which worked in all senses.

CunningLinguist

OMG no! Ok, I'm gonna have to get her off of cigarettes and caffeine. Wait, if this is true... I'd hate to see what happens to me after giving up caffeine!

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Jason
94 3000GT VR4 (12.67 @ 105.93 & 12.802 @ 109.40)
04 EVO VIII

nelbuts

I have the same problem but with my wife.

summerkc

Try being really spontaneous and almost jumping on him. While he is in the shower, stip down, unexpectedly jump in and start giving him a BJ before he has time to say or do anything. Also try the unexpected BJ while he is asleep, and wake him up to a nice suprise! Afterwards do not expect anything from him, just act like it was a no catch present.

Also try doing something drastic and sexy to your appearence like a brazilian wax, major hair color change, etc. to get his attention.

screamincheetah

I'll throw my two cents in on this...... I think the problem is way bigger than "jump on him when he walks in the door" or other show him you want him ideas. You've already said you initiate on a very regular basis, and that's what he said he wanted. I've been in a similar boat very recently. From the beginning of my relationship with my exgirlfriend, she wasn't as aggressive and sexual as I wanted. I did my best to be aggressive, and to show her the amount of love and affection she deserved, while hoping that she would catch on and do it back to me. At some point down the line, deep inside of me, I realized she wasn't going to ever truly make me happy. At that moment (in hindsight) everything switches. How I look at her, treat her, and respond to her. We're still okay and fairly happy, but it's changing, and nothing I do or say, or she does or says can get that back. Once the switch is thrown, in my experience, it's near impossible to switch it back. It's the same reason getting back together after a breakup doesn't work. The bubble's burst and there's too much insecurity. Back to this topic though, towards the end of the relationship, when I know she could tell I was distant and not as in to her, she became more affectionate and initiated more, but it didn't do anything for me. It's almost like I could tell she was trying, and that's a turn off. My guess is, he looked for something to be a certain way. At some point he gave up trying, and has probably given up a lot more in his mind and heart. I would definitely have a alcohol inspired (it's amazing what we say when we're drunk) heart to heart and get everything on the table, if you can. I would also be worried about the possible affair. I'm more stressed out than I've ever been in my life right now. I couldn't imagine being more, and I still get horny and want sex. Granted, it's a lot less than when I'm happy and carefree, but I still want it. I don't think a man who wanted all of the time, and now doesn't at all can be blamed on stress or medication. I think he's just given up.

powerclown

Martha Stewart grows gardens for her sexual release. Just a thought.

wcupid

I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM WITH MY OLD GIRLFRIEND!!!!

Lockjaw

That all definately depends on the person. There are guys who if they are going through enough crap don't want sex period. Most don't even want to be around other people. The drive just leaves them for a while.

janda_janda

alright - I appreciate the replies and I'll take the good with the bad

we're getting older that could be a factor
he has a new job that could be a factor
he could be threatened by my own changes and feel less confident that could be a factor
our days with the kids are long and that could be a factor too

it's been a gradual diminishing and i really don't think he's cheating because we start our day so early and he's home for supper, but he works after, or we have kid sports

i'm going to make an effort to be more affectionate in a non sexual way and see how that plays out - i don't just want sex even though it's lacking - i need affection

i8one2

At the age of 40+ I had an epiphany, I asked a simple question and something inside of clicked. I started to do research, ask more pointed questions and within a year my attitude a sense of self worth and a new person from deep with grew.

Listen we all have different needs and wants and even ways of communicating. After a while, when we think that we have it down and know our mates, they change. Its those time when first understand oneself helps to begin the process of learning to re-communicating with our mates can take place. Presently things of a sexual nature that I and my mate partake in had to take a back seat to new routines(school, for the kids, new job for her) moving and budgets reorganizations....but the lust and yurning's are there, just not able to follow through on everything that we like to do. But we have educated ourself and have learned a new set of communications skills to where, the flow though isn't the most important part, but as you said...The lusting and feeling of being wanted both physically and mentally are there. And from the beginning, my mate knew that cooking, cleaning, laundry are her responsibilities period and she loves it, because I make her do it... That doesn't mean I don't help when circumstances warrant it.... but we both know are roles, responsibilities as well as fantasies and needs...

Make fantasies a reality, the planning, timing, thinking are almost as fun and exciting as the execution of them.... good luck.

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LEATHER, LATEX and LACE "SSC"
"Nothing That Gives Pleasure is Bad"

Quality is for those who know
what they want and are at peace with what they have.

"S/M is about emotion; the erotic tension between my impulse toward something and my resistance against it."-- Virginia Barker

alicat

The first quote of yours "(school, for the kids, new job for her)"

The next quote is "And from the beginning, my mate knew that cooking, cleaning, laundry are her responsibilities period and she loves it, because I make her do it..."

WTF? I am not an overt feminist, but come on, you are just asking for it with comments like these. I read a few threads tonight that I didn't comment on because of time constraints, but, I can't not post a response to your post.

So, in addition to your wife working she is also a subservient slave that enjoys , oh sorry "loves" , working herself to the bone because you "make her do it"?! Unless you're in an adult S&M type relationship (which I don't sense from your post) then you are just an a**wipe that needs to get a clue about healthy adult relationships and what they entail. After a long days work, would you enjoy coming home, putting on a grin and proceeding to continue to work the rest of the day/evening at home because your mate "made you do it"?

I thought most of what you were writing sounded normal and I was agreeing with it (even the "new job for her" part) until you got to the "she loves it, because I make her do it." part. That is just straying from the original post that started this thread and even the first 2/3 or so of your own post. Grow up and realize your wife isin't just a housekeeper and baby-making-machine, she's also a fellow human being and not your inferior.

/walks away shaking head in utter disbelief and disgust

Ali

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"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

woodhead

Maybe he's just lost interest in you.

I once had a fantastic girlfriend and a great relationship with her, but over time, I simply lost interest in her as a woman. I even told her this and said that I'd rather not call the thing off as any relationship has its ups and downs.

In the end she left the country, but we are still on good terms.

ShaniFaye

I am going to step in here....because I know i8one2's lifestyle and maybe you dont, as evident from your response....forgive me i8one2 but I wasnt sure when you'd be back and I didnt want this left unresponded too and I want to make sure that Ali understands.

Ali....he enjoys a BDSM lifestyle, as do I, thats why his post is written the way it is. He's mentioned it in many threads.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

alicat

Thank you for correcting me ShaniFaye and I would like to apologize to i8one2 now that I understand where he's coming from. I have read many posts by ShaniFaye discussing her lifestyle but hadn't read any by i8one2 or, if I had, I'd forgotten.

However, had this been a different case (someone who doesn't lead a BDSM lifestyle) then I would stand by what I said. In this case what I said sarcastically "she is also a subservient slave", is true. I would imagine a small percentage of people practice a BDSM lifestyle and I made the mistake of "ASSuming" i8one2 doesn't, something I should know better than to do in the TFP community. Again, now that I stand corrected, I apologize.

Ali

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'Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun, The frumious Bandersnatch!'--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bill O'Rights

That's about as mature an apology as I've ever seen on these boards. alicat, you stick around awhile...OK?

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

ShaniFaye

lol Ali....I totally agree.....while that kind of thing is perfectly ok in a relationship like ours....if it were just some chavunist pig comment I'd have reacted the same way.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

alicat

Bill O'Rights: Thank you, everyone should apologize when they are in the wrong. And I intend to be here for a long, long time!

ShaniFaye: And therein was my mistake, taking it as a chauvinistic statement without thinking to look at it from a different perspective. Something I will try to do from now on. That, and not post about something that angers me whilst full of wine.

Ali

__________________
'Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun, The frumious Bandersnatch!'--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

BigJ11

Well I have a couple of thoughts being a male and having what I call a "high sex drive". I think it may be many of the things that are listed above, but I also think it may be something else. A good friend of mine has a super hot wife (so that is not a problem) and they do not have sex but once every other week or so (so he tells me). He says he is not as turned on, becasue she is very dominating. She handles the bills, the kids, cooking cleaning and just about every choice to be made in the house hold. I personally think it hampers his ability to feel like "THE MAN". So he has let this happen and it is probably mainly his fault, but it is a problem. I don't know how to correct it except by having open and positive communication about it.

Perhaps she would be more open to giving up some tasks to him if he can step up and get them done.

This may not even be close to your situation, but it was one I did not see mentioned and I know for a fact can be a problem. It actually helped me to not get this way, by hearing him tell me the issues. Thanks for listening and good luck!

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One Shot One Kill

bluesky1

I'm the guy in this same scenario---stress can only provide a short-term answer, problem is for me is, I've lost the love and interest in my spouse over the last several years...have no great desire for sex with her...has happened to many of my friends as well, especially after many years of being married...

StephenSa

From the guy's perspective, In the past couple of months my sex drive has dropped and while she hasn't mentioned it I'm sure my wife has noticed. I've thought about it and for me I think there are several reasons. My work is really stressful now with the possibility of lay offs looming right before the holidays. With the extra stress and a recent illness I've not been working out and have had a few too many beers so my waistline has expanded. Sexy and attractive I feel not. The added weight and lethargy doesn't put any va in my va-voom either! Also, in my case the timing has been off. She has initated during the week when I am tired/stressed AND we have the kid at home. Sometimes when we have to have the "quiet" sex because the daughter is in the next room I'd rather just watch tv. It can be hard to get excited about quiet gentle grunting. When I'm in the mood on the weekends sometimes she's not and before you know it a few weeks have gone by. I'm sure its a temporary thing both in my situation and yours. I do make sure to tell my wife I love her and let her know she's special and you deserve the same. If you're not getting it give him a nudge in the right direction or really sit him down and have an honest talk to him before it does become a real problem.

imkeen

I've done this. Oddly, I have more of the 'typcial' female traits of compassion, touching, flirting, etc. with my wife. I have initiated sex for the last 5 years, probably. (I think I need to start a new thread on this one.) She doesn't turn me down when I do, but its always me starting it. This is just the way she is, apparently. I might also be a subconscious power thing with her, not sure. Anyway...if she pisses me off, I won't initiate anything with her for a while. Not sure if it has any affect directly, but the first time we have sex after the cooling off period is usually pretty good...

Okay, enough wandering, the point is that I have done this and I'm male...