vtgt828

I have a question...if your wife suddenly came down with a medical condition, or was in an accident that made her unable to have sex....would you still be going out looking for some on the side?

What about your kids? Would they benefit from a divorce if it ever came down to it? In most cases divorce negatively affects children...even if the children are adults.

Sometimes you have to have the attitude...It's not just about me.

I agree 100% with everyone who said you need to discuss this openly. I'm not convinced that you have to tell her about the affair...that could be more damaging in the long run. Unforturnately you crossed the line before discussing it with anyone else...maybe you did and decided to go ahead anyways. The damage has been done, now it's just a matter of the extent.

Believe me, I understand your thought process...I've been in your shoes ... you can rationalize every decision. You have some tough choices ahead.

Psycho Dad

I wonder how the relationship with the wife is other than sex. There could be a multitude of reasons why she has lost interest in sex and they can range from psychological to physical. While this is as good of a boardas any to ask questions regarding this, nobody here is likely going to be able to give you a solution.

I'm fairly certain that fucking someone at work isn't going to be a fix either.

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Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

Seaver

Look, it's both people's fault for this situation. Those that are acting like this woman is a saint are putting her on a pedistal. No, we dont know why she suddenly felt the need not to have sex. It's his fault for not bringing it up a week or two after it started. But it's her fault for putting herself above an obvious need of his partner.

Yes... putting herself above her partner. It's exactly what he did in return.

Is it a get out of jail free card? No.
Did it give him PLENTY of incentive to look outside the marriage? Yes.

For those that claim that sex isn't in the marriage vowes, "for love and to hold" or "to love and to cherish" are the two most common vowes. Hate to break it to you but those were thrown in as nice ways of saying "to have sex with". Not quite romantic, these christian vowes predate the romance period.

Blah blah communication, I know, but that's what makes relationships work.

I went 6 months in a relationship (girlfriend, so you know how long that is in non-marriage time) with her cutting me off. For 6 months I talked to her trying to figure it out, for 6 months I put up with it. I dumped her for that, and you know what? I felt great. So yes I feel for ya.

Prince

What I would like to know is, in all seriousness, how did Homo Sapiens become monogamous?

__________________
Who is John Galt?

31Friction

i see this situation just like having an old dog that you love and shooting it in the head just because he doesn't hunt as well anymore.

shame on you.

just my .02

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"Saints need sinners."
Alan Watts

hiro-acid

two cents: Talk to your wife. No communication = no real relationship = stupid shit like cheating on one another and making the problems worse = hell for your kids if you, god forbid, have any...

Zeraph

Religion

skier

ummm almost.

It'd be more like leaving your old dog at home and going hunting with a younger dog that is willing to retreive game for you.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

MichaelFarker

The key to good sex is washing the dishes.

The number one thing that gets in the way of me having sex with my wife is her being tired from working. Kids make that a lot worse. Whenever you can take over something to let her have a bubble bath or nap or whatever, it will help.

As for making marriage better, mine is 100x better than it was our first couple years together. I started telling her positive things about who she is and how she looks 15-30 times a day. I let her be herself. We always try to be open and honest and accepting, even when there's an argument as a result. When we argue we both started being more polite about it. I try to apologize, right or wrong. (I suck at it.) She started being really nice to me in bed. I started going out of my way to do nice things for her out of bed several times a week. She hates doing dishes so I do that. And when our marriage isn't going well or at least once a month I take her out for a romantic date. They're simple sometimes but always very personal and a little fun. No matter the cost, we get away from everything, just us, 2-3 times a year at least overnight. And every year we get some advice, a tape or book, from someone who has had a good marriage.

Marriage sex can be great. Women just see everything as part of everything else and have to have the emotional stuff squared away before they can get into the physical. As a man I need to get off, one way or another, but for me it's much better if I feel like she knows me really well and thinks I'm an incredible person.

I get the feeling she thought you were. Women are different like that. It happens to all of us married people. Just work on doing the romance and the dishes and the talking and once a week or so try to seduce her like you had never gotten to second base with her. When you do have sex it doesn't mean she's all better just that you're on the right track. Keep doing the dishes no matter what.

Harder than anything else, loving a woman is still worth it in my book.

Esen

I know many will disagree with me...

Well neglecting your spouse is just as freaking low. sickness and health huh.

not for nothing it also stems from the wife's selfishness.

She doesn t feel pretty well. She could at least suck him off or something.

Too many women say there vows have children or are raising children with a guy and get what they want, a child and then just kick the husband to the sexual curb.

Persoanly I think you should have gotten a divorce if you couldn t have worked it out but what she is doing to you is horrible and in my opinion is 10 times worse then cheating.

She is controlling you.

She is saying do not have sex, you can not have sex. you will only cum by your own hand.

This is not just physical abuse (neglect) and not just mental abuse. it is both.

The sad part in a divorce you are legally screwed. you should tell her if you love me you will let me go and rebuild your life.
remember 2 of the the main things you will do in this life is fuck and die.

I understand she is a good mom and that you love her dearly as a wife (she has other great points)

Sorry you have to go through this.
but a year is a year.
At this point you may just tell her flat out to her face that if she does not share that bond of intamacy that is formed by sex that you will have to go else where.

She will have to make a decision then and you know what after a year (if you already have truly tried talking with her and tried to help her in every way) the decision should be put on her shoulders.

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~Esen
What is everyone doing in my room?

Offkilter

First thing to do is talk about it. IF she's not going to make an effort, you have to decide if it's that important to you to end your marriage, unless she agrees to have an 'open' marriage, which sounds good and is great when it works, but needs a lot more effort than you think.
Second thing to do is end the affair. It's never a good thing to be unfaithful. Not a good base to have to rebuild on if you want to continue the marriage.
I also notice it's been awhile since the original post, an update of some sorts would be interesting.

__________________
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man,
If with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
The Two Gentleman of Verona. ACT III Scene 1.

kel

MichaelFarker says it all. I am absolutely astonished how only one man in 1000 will realize that, if his woman is not having sex, it's because THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG and if he wants to have sex again, HE MUST FIX IT.

And sad but true, the number one thing that could be wrong is, household chores. If you wash the dishes, pick up healthy takeout, get the kids out to a babysitter, and actually take care of her, she will feel the difference.

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"It better be funny"

kel

Oops that was Acetylene on Kel's computer, sorry.

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"It better be funny"

TroutKind

[QUOTE=Redgirl]Hmmm... maybe she's been cheating on him? No sex in a year? That's a red flag for all sorts of things!
I agree, take a look at all the possibilites. It wouldn't be the first time.

TroutKind

I agree, take a look at all the possibilites. It wouldn't be the first time.

abaya

MichaelFarker knows where it's at. He could definitely give some seminars to folks about how to stay married, not cheat, and actually keep falling in love over and over again... it really is about the dishes (or whatever chore needs to be done, cleaning up or whatever), and yeah, pretending like you're still in 7th grade and would die to just touch her, let alone score a home run. Nothing sexier for me when I'm tired.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

james t kirk

Are you nuts?

NEVER EVER confess an affair.

No good will come of it. Even the experts agree on this on.

james t kirk

I disagree, most things are NOT fixable because people don't change

More than half of all marriages end. Of the half that stay together, I bet half of those are miserable.

Marriage problems, serious ones anyways, tend almost NEVER to be fixable.

You either live with it, or you get out.

james t kirk

Thank you for telling it like it is.

I really really really doubt that his wife is cheating on him.

Sounds to me that she has either lost her sex drive, or she never was really that sexual in the first place. Women who cheat still tend to fuck their husbands because they don't want to get caught and any sudden change tends to set off warning bells. I had a long term female partner cheat on me and we had the best sex of our lives when it was coming unglued.

No, it's her problem not his. I have seen lots of women who lose interest in sex once the kids come along. It's like the mothering gene kicks in and all they think about is the kids and they totally lose interest in the old man. Part of me thinks that on some level they think that they have accomplished all of their goals - marriage, followed by children, so now they no longer need to put out.

You can hem and haw all you want, but talk to married men and half of them will have this exact same story. What's the old joke, "What food can you use to decrease a woman's sex drive?" Answer, "Wedding Cake"

james t kirk

He's probably a more well known user using a 2'nd id for anonominity

james t kirk

Ok,

I have read all the posts along the way, and commented on some of the ones that stand out from the pack.

I get the impression that most posters are young, probably teens and early 20's and still in that black and white phase of your life. I however am 40 and I am in the "I used to get disgusted, now I just get amused" phase of my life.

Some of you are very naive thinking that all problems can be worked out by honest communication. Ha, communication can suck big sometimes. If we were all brutally honest with each other, the murder rate would be 1000 times what it is now. "Do I look fat in this dress?" Honest communications response, "Fuck honey you look fat in any dress cause you are 40 pounds overweight" Boom, out comes the shot gun.

Somethings are better left not said.

The statistics are pretty simple.

In my eyes, the man is not getting what he wants at home and his wife doesn't want to care. He has thought about it, he isn't happy, and he has sought out a solution to his problem.

I have married friends in the same boat and they all have affairs. But they don't leave their marriages strangely enough. I have a very good friend who has by all accounts a perfect wife, but she can't keep up with his sex drive, so he has affairs. He keeps them discrete, he doesn't have a girlf friend on the side, but he will NEVER leave his wife over something stupid like a piece of ass. To him, having sex is no bigger of a deal than ordering lunch. It's a need, he takes care of it.

The only mistake the original poster has made is that he he hooked up on a personal level with someone he knows. He should have kept his affair at arm's length such as a call girl, or massage parlour. Then, it's strictly business.

By having an affair with another woman on an ongoing basis, he has risked getting caught. I only hope for his sake that the other woman is similarly attached.

F-18_Driver

Cheating is wrong. It's that simple. However, anyone who voluntarily reveals to their spouse that they have been cheating is insane. It will never, ever, be forgotten.

Additional commentary: It seems a little hypocritical for women to claim sex is incredibly important in terms of faithfulness, but so unimportant that it can be skipped for a year or more.

The moral of this story is: Before you say "I do," make sure she does, too.

Demeter

Nothing excuses an affair. Nothing.
If you are not happy, then get the F... out of the marriage. What you are doing is not fair to you, you are not dealing with the problem in your marriage. It is not fair to her, because you are betraying her in the most hurtful, harmful way a human could betray another. You are not being fair to the person you are sleeping with.
And if you have children, it is an awful, awful betrayal to their love & trust as well.

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

jack's liver

My only question is - does a wife have no responsibility to sexually contribute to a marraige?

In my opinion if a married woman thinks that going for a year without sex is "OK" then she cares very little about her marraige or she's a complete idiot. I mean say the original poster does go to his wife and confess his affair - do you think the wife would be thinking "what reason did you have to cheat?" or do you think she would think to herself "maybe I should have given it to him twice a year"? Then after the divorce happens I guarantee that the woman (unless she's a complete narcisist) would partially blame herself for the affair.

Life is very complicated and very grey. In the end - who's the bad guy? The answer is there is no bad guy just bad choices.

Biscuit Buns

Bless your heart, Michael Farker. Bless your damn heart.

Affairs are bullshit and Demeter expresses my views perfectly. To expand, in a perfect world, each party would be held accountable for their part of the marriage. Both people have the responsibility to their marriage/family to work things out together and figure the problem out together. If it has come down to no sex, both people need to work on fixing it (assuming it's a "problem").

I have absolutely no respect for anyone who can do such a thing to a person whom they swore to love and respect for the rest of their life. AND if your wife cheated on you first, so fucking what. Be the bigger man.

</decompress>

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A hard man is good to find. ~Mae West

Prince

One day, my wife stopped cooking. She no longer had any interest in it. I thought maybe we had been eating too many similar meals, so I bought her a big book full of recephies, complete with illustrated advice on how to make these delightful dishes. She had no interest in going out to eat, either. Nothing seemed to work, and she obviously expected me to eat my own cooking for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, I got tired of my own cooking very quickly. I tried different dishes that I could make, but it wasn't the same. I got full, yes, but the meal was unsatisfactory and emotionally unfulfilling. I missed the loving feeling I got from eating something special that my wife had made for us.

I felt lonely and unloved.

Then, I started to eat out by myself from time to time. Eventually, I bumped into someone who felt the same way. I secretly met up with her now and then, and we would make the most delicious meals.

I would then go home happy, and full, and never have to lie down with an empty stomach.

---

Thought I'd throw in my own lame analogy, to follow down the path set before me by others in this thread.

Some things take two people. Men are very sexual creatures. It's the wife's responsibility to initiate a conversation as much as it is his. In my opinion, it IS a spouse's responsibility to maintain a healthy sexual relationship in the marriage.

Women tend to feel that there are sufficient alternatives to sex, when it comes to feeling loved, wanted, appreciated and needed. Just cuddling and kissing and hugging seems to be enough for many women. Cuddles and huggles are the main point, and sex is an extension of all that.

For me, as a man, sex is the definitive form of emotional display. I give my mother hugs all the time, but I don't eat her pussy. Hugs and cuddles are nice, but without regular sex, I quickly begin to feel unwanted, unappreciated and unloved. No hug or cuddle can suffice. If I don't get to fuck my wife, I don't feel like I'm a man. It escalates from there, and very quickly.

As I see it, it's a husband's responsibility in a marriage to make sure his wife is sexually satisfied, and it is the wife's responsibility to ensure that her husband is sexually satisfied. Within reason.

Some posts make HER look like the victim here. Meanwhile, she seems happy and content in her life even though they're not getting it on. He quite clearly isn't.

I don't disapprove of the fact that he's banging someone else since his wife won't put out, but I do disapprove of him keeping her in the dark. She has the right to know, and go from there.

__________________
Who is John Galt?

spincycle0

The simple message here is that if you don't have sex with your SO, they are going to find it somewhere else, period. It may take longer than a year, but it will happen. It's fucking ridiculous to expect your so to just give up that entire portion of their life just because you don't feel like it.

KCMadcow

I don't think too many people are still following this thread, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents worth...

I was married to a woman who did pretty much the same thing to me, but I never let the frequency get *that* low (for the record, I begged, nothing more). It leaked into other parts of our marriage, and I was downright miserable. Thankfully, we didn't have kids, because when I suggested that we get some help, she said "I don't think that would do any good". Ouch. So I told her I would give her some time to think about it. I had saved myself for the right person (fooled around, but never had one night stands or anything in college, I was the proverbial "nice guy"), and I thought it was her. Well, the next day I asked her what she had decided, and she said that she hadn't changed her mind. So I took off my ring, looked her in the eye, and said "Bye." and walked out the door.

I never cheated on her, and to this day I'm glad I took the road I did, but I would not have blamed anyone for taking the other path like you have.

What happened though, after months of self reflection, some counseling and lots of beer, I realized it was just one more way that she tried to control me. She wanted a relationship like her parents, where her mom dominated and hen pecked her dad, and I was blinded by love. Hindsight is a motherfucker. She wanted me to admit that SHE had all of the power and my happiness was dependent on her in every aspect. If I had a few beers with my friends, or got a CD or something benign like that, I would get a MAJOR ass chewing for spending money when we were short- but she NEVER had a problem buying herself something- it was all about control.

Unfortunately, going back to the affair, you have handed her the final control if things head south- you cheated on her, abandoning her. That will come back to bite you. You're only human though. Moral and personal self control is great, but there are always weakening factors out there that can make a person who would usually say no, say yes.

My advice, if you're still monitoring this, is to get some help...if not for both of you then just you. It is one of the lonliest feelings, being rejected by someone who is supposed to be your lifelong mate.

Also, there was a lot of discussion about the whole "breaking of vows" things, and it seemed that most people were offended, saying it wasn't a vow to automatically put out, and they are right, it isn't. However, it is (and I cannot stress this enough, as it does seriously and legally imply sexual relations as an important part of a marriage) it *IS* grounds for divorce. I found a few quotes on the web, but here is one in particular for getting a divorce in Maryland...

Constructive Desertion: The same elements for actual desertion apply. In a case of constructive desertion, the petitioning spouse typically is “forced” out of the home as a result of misconduct by the spouse at fault. Conditions leading to constructive desertion resemble cruelty. Factors taken into consideration include the nature and duration of the misconduct, attempts made by the petitioning spouse to save the marriage, and the length of time during which the misconduct occurred. Other reasons for constructive desertion include failure to maintain a home separate and apart from parents and unjustified refusal of sexual intercourse.

I tossed around the idea of filing for that, but I didn't want to make it any worse. I just wanted to walk away from it, and I could have pushed for alimony, but I just wanted out.

Talk to a professional, man. It sucks, but you CAN be happy, without the cloud of adultery. I have no experience with the kid thing, but would you be worse off without her as your permanent partner in life? If she's not willing to work on or even admit she has a problem, there's only so much you can do. Trust me on that one.

__________________
Worrying is like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere...write that down...

- Van

Why am I fat? I guess I'll have another donut and think about it...

- Me

KCMadcow

F-18- Right on (I skipped reading a few before I responded)...that is a great question...how upset could the wife really be? Obviously sex isn't very important to her...


and Demeter, I agree that affairs are very very wrong, but take this thought out of context...

Have you ever laid awake at night trying to figure out why your S/O doesn't love you enough? What you did wrong to make them treat you this way? What YOU could do to change how they feel towards you? Why they would knowingly hurt you in such a painful matter?

The thing is, I'm not descibing being cheated on. I am descibing how it feels to be deserted and lonely in a bed when you're lying next to someone. I typed that out, and then realized it sounded very similar to the questions someone asks themselves when they have been cheated on...the difference is, most of the time when you are cheated on, you don't have to look at that person, day after day, thinking these things over and over. It's the pain of discovering cheating- every moment. When you are cheated on and discover it, you are able to deal with the pain. You talk to them, yell at them, storm out of the room/house. Leave them, stay with them, work through it with them, end it with them. You have all the choices in the world. You can take action on that discovery. When you live/are in love with someone that ignores the sexual/emotional side of you- you get deserted every time you look at them.

You sound like someone who has been cheated on, so it *sounds* like you're looking at it from her point of view as a victim of cheating. I'm looking at it from the other point of view. If you have noticed, I have not villified his wife at all (my ex, yes- his wife, no), because I don't know the whole story. I'm not saying he's right- after all, he is cheating- I'm just saying that there is pain on his side too, pain which caused him to make a mistake.

__________________
Worrying is like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere...write that down...

- Van

Why am I fat? I guess I'll have another donut and think about it...

- Me

Disk_Pusher

It's sick and sad to some, but I'm in my 20s and have had a conversation with my fiance that boils down to the following:

If I EVER stop putting out for any reason, all he needs to do is come to me and say, "I'm becoming sexually frustrated." I will buy him a call girl, a nice one. When it comes down to it, his happiness is very important to me because he's my best friend first and my lover second and sex is very key to happiness. If for this reason if I'm unable or unwilling to put out, all he need do is tell me that he's getting sick of using his hand. What I do ask is that he tell me, because I'm a somewhat oblivious person and I've ended up blowing off his advances before. If it reaches that point, I want to know, and I'd like to talk about it but in the end, I'll buy him a hooker if it will make him happy.

Of course, not many people have the strange love that we do, so obviously our solution isn't fit for all. But cheating... it's hard to say if it's black and white mala in se or simply mala prohibita, and I don't think there is a satisfactory answer.

I wish the best of luck to you danbiles, luck that takes whatever form you need it to.