altered boy

I have been married for 15 years to a very wonderful Woman. Recently, I met another women who was in attendance in a seminar I was giving. We had some very good conversation during this seminar, and we hit it off on a couple of different levels. I had dinner with this lady, and continued the dialog that started during my seminar. I did not think very much about it, In fact, my wife is aware of this lady, and that we talk on a somewhat regular basis. The lady works for the same company I do, so my wife thinks that she is another one of my friends from work. Which is not entirely untrue.

My problem is that I am in love with this women. She knows that I have feelings towards her, and she even asked me at one point if I was in love with her. At that time, I told her "no"
She has been sort of vague about her feelings towards me, so I don't know what to think. She is a really neat person, and I love to talk to her, there are alot of things that I have told her that I cannot confide with my wife about. I consider her a very good friend, even though I have know her just four months, I feel that I have known her for years.

My marriage is not what I would call bad, Just boring. after 15 years, I guess we have fallen into some ruts. With my work schedule and the amount of time that I spend out of town, we don't have a lot of time together. We have one child, a 12 year old son, how for a lack of better words is very strong-willed. He can be a very big source of stress between my wife and myself at times.
I have been trying some different things, such as having "date night" every couple of weeks. Even if it is just for a few hours, It seems to help.
Still, The feelings of the other woman persists, I think about her most every day. I feel that I am in love with her. Because of the geographical distance between us, (Chicago and San Diego) I have not seen her since she left at the end of the seminar.
I would like to know if anyone else has has a simalar dilema and how they dealt with it.

Konichiwaneko

I probably wouldn't focus on what tearing you apart from you wife, but what makes you want to be with her.

__________________

Flyguy

I'll admit that I feel the same way you do sometimes. And my wife and I have been married for 8 years. Where I work, there is some decent eye candy. But I think about like this, for the amount of time I spend out of town, it makes me miss my wife even more and I can't wait to get home at the end of my trip. Absence makes the heart grow fonder I guess. But specifically, I've never been "in love with 2 women" so I don't really dont have that experience. Just wanted to let you know how I deal.

Rlyss

I've never been married, and I'm only 20, but I hope you still take what I say into consideration.

While your feelings with this other woman are probably fairly real, I think you are probably making them into something they're not. You probably don't love this woman, but you let yourself think that you are. It's like people who pine after their ex-partners after years and years. They conveniently forget the bad things, and the reasons they broke up in the first place, and only remember the good things. They remain in love only partly with the person, but mostly with someone that they create in their imagination.

You're married, and you've said that you still love your wife. Don't let yourself fall for anyone else, whether real or created. You spend a lot of time apart from your wife and your son, that's probably why he's acting up! He never sees his dad. And you don't spend enough time with your wife, that's why you don't think you can speak to her about some things. What are those thing you can't talk to her about, and why is it you can't? Is it because your views differ and cause tension (religious, political, sexual topics?), or that you just haven't tried, because you've convinced yourself that this new woman is the only one you can talk to? I think in lots of cases people cheat because they let themselves believe that the new person is special, and is 'the only one', and that the current partner must be kept in the dark.

Your son is twelve years old. He's going to be a young man soon. Sometimes difficult become even more difficult teenagers, but sometimes difficult kids quickly turn into very mature, level-headed young adults. You haven't complained about your wife except to say that you can't talk to her, so I'm sure you're still in love with her. I'd say breaking it off with this new woman, possibly a slight job change or a shift to a position closer to home, and being there for your son, strengthening your relationship with your family, is a VERY small price to pay, and is a much, MUCH better move than risking it all by chasing after someone who may not be who you think they are.

Next time you see this woman, tell her you aren't in love with her, and that you might want to remain colleagues, but not lovers or best friends. See if you can get a more permanent position near your home, which involves less travelling, and be a great husband, and a great dad. Chasing after this new woman will do far more harm than good.

I sincerely hope I haven't trivialized your feelings towards this woman, or suggested that she is immoral. I just think that you're looking for a great woman, but you've probably got that, and a great son, back at home.

cali

I totally agree with you Rlyss, that is ABSOLUTLEY the best advice , please take that advice into consideration.
go to your wife, have someone babysit for an evening, sit down and TALK to her, tell her what you feel is missing in your marriage, (she may have same feelings) discuss ways to spark up your marriage(there are plenty of ways).

my wife and I have been married for 19 years(she was 16 I was 18), we have a son (only child) he's has a learning disablity and he's bipolar with an impluse control disorder. .. so I know what you mean when you say strong-willed and yes it is INCREDIBLY stressful on a marrige, BUT we are both in this same boat, so the problems that you have your wife may have the same ones.

TALK... COMMUNICATE..... turning to another woman will not slove your problems only create more.

GOOD LUCK

__________________
It is all that we see is seem; A dream within a dream

E.A.P.

MrsRight41401

Rlyss hit the button on the nose.

Rachel

__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss

hiredgun

I would put some time into a reply myself, but to be honest, Rlyss already said everything I would have. Never take a long-term relationship for granted.

altered boy

Rlyss,
Thank you for your advice. As far as trying to talk to my wife, I have tried to talk with her about some of the things that concern me, and she shares some of the same feelings that I do. After talking with her, things are OK for a while and then they go back to the way there were. Almost think that sometimes that I feel that we have grown apart. I feel that this relationship is definitely worth saving. Yes I am still in love with my wife very much. There is just not a lot of compassion, and what i see is a lack of affection. There is some there, it is not like it is totally gone, just not the same as it once was.
The other women has stirred a lot of feeling that I have not felt in quite some time, this is why I fell for her. And No you did not trivialize how I feel about this woman. What you told me was an objective view. And I thank you for this. You say that you are 20 years old, but you are wise beyond you years.

ratbastid

Somebody's got to say it:

THREESOME!!!

Not funny, I know. But you know you've thought it.

Seriously, communication is the answer. TALK to your wife about the things that are bothering you, with the commitment to get those things straightened out.

altered boy

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. I will take all of your suggestions and try to make this work, because I do love my wife very much. I was looking for some object advice, and I found it.
Thanks and God Bless.

altered boy

Ratbastid,

Thanks For the Laugh, I needed it. and Yes it was a thought!!!, I may a bit older, but I'm not dead!

Bojo