water_boy1999

Here's the story.....
I met this gal a few weeks ago and we have been hanging out. We enjoy each others company and I could see hanging out even more with her. We went to the Prince concert last weekend and she ended up crashing at my place. I also stayed at her place the other night. We haven't done the nasty yet, which would be nice since she is freaking HOT, but I decided to wait for several reasons. For one, it is a new relationship and the friendship should be a foundation.

Secondly, she has casually brought up the fact that she "is sick". She told me that she spend 3 days a week at the doctor but she "is almost done". She also says that she "is not contagious" and I have nothing to worry about. However, this is all she tells me and won't tell me anything more. She tells me that it is private and doesn't want to share that info. She then asked if that was selfish of her and I told her it was. It is, damnit!
Here is my logic:
Being a new relationship, for lack of better words, you would think she would either tell me she is sick and let me know what I am in store for, or not tell me anything yet and keep it to herself until she is ready to tell me.

Now, I have all these thoughts of how she could be sick: She says it is not contagious which leads me to belive it is not some mental disorder that she is being treated for, but if I am to accept her for who she is, I should have some reasonable idea of who she is and what she is going through.

Now, I know some of the answers are going to be, "Be patient, if you really like her then you can wait".....well fuck that! I don't want to stick around to find out she has something going on in her life that puts a damper on us moving forward.

I tried to have a discussion with her about it, but being that we are so new into dating, I haven't tried to pressure the info out of her. I am not sure how I will pursue the situation currently as I don't want to stop seeing her. But I do want to know what is up. I know people have things they keep from other people when first getting to know them, but if this is the cse, perhaps she should have never told me that she was sick in the firstplace.

Thoughts?

__________________
Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

shakran

3 days a week and is almost done? Could be chemotherapy.

water_boy1999

You see, I was thinking the same thing too. She says she has to sit in the docs office for 5 hours at a time, takes a pill, has someone check up on her, etc......but she seems completely energetic, happy, and healthy everytime we hangout. I don't want to be unsympathetic to her, but I think she is kinda being that way to me to tell me she is sick but won't divulge details.

__________________
Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

netnut

Kidney Dialysis?

__________________
"What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about..." -- J.B.

water_boy1999

Ok, ok...there could be a million things that she has going on. Thanks for the input. That's not the point though. Why would she tell me she is sick, then keep the info from me, telling me it is private?

__________________
Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

la petite moi

Maybe she is embarassed about her condition. If you really get into this relationship, she WILL tell you after awhile. But like you said, I'm one of those people that say "just wait awhile".

Averett

Because it's her business, and she has the right to tell you that she's sick, and then not tell you how or with what. It's a baby relationship, she may not feel comfortable with telling you yet.

If you really like her, just support her. Don't pressure her into telling. She'll tell you if and when she's ready.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Dane Bramage

My guess would be that she likes you too and want's you in on the fact that she is/has been ill, but the relationship is still so new that she probably doesn't want you to know everything.

If it's worth it to you to stick around and see how it pans out, then by all means do so. If she ain't all that... then you will figure it out soon enough and bail.

DB.

__________________
Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Kurt Vonnegut - Sirens of Titan

gar1976

It's cooties, man. Cooties.

If you trust her enough not to put your health at risk with her judgment, then just go with it. Stop worrying, and enjoy your time together. She'll tell you when she's ready.

Speaking from experience - chicks have WAY worse health issues than we guys will ever need to deal with, and sometimes it's best to stay the fuck out of her health life unless you really, really, really need to know.

Blackthorn

My thoughts? It's none of your damn business until she decides it is. Respect her privacy. If she's all that you'll wait for her to explain it to you when (and if) she's ever ready. Stop trying to apply logic to justify your morbid curiosity. Just my $0.02.

__________________
What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?

lurkette

Make it $.04 total for "mind your own business." If you're dating exclusively, that's one thing. If you've known her for a total of a few weeks and are expecting to be let in on all confidences, you're the one who's being selfish. You're not buying a car and demanding to see the maintenance history! If you really care about her it shouldn't matter "what you are in store for." Be supportive and earn her trust and confidence.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

MageB420666

Damn straight! It's a new relationship, you do not have a "right" to knowledge about her health, she'll tell you when she's ready, have some fucking patience, just because you can't fuck her right now doesn't mean you can't move forward in the relationship and your life. I don't get why everyone thinks that sex is a neccesity and not a nicety.

__________________
Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn.

ShaniFaye

So..you want a girl you just met a few weeks ago to tell you her life story...she was kind enuff to explain to you that there is a problem, which she made sure to tell you was nothing to worry about, so that maybe you might understand if she was unavailable to you for those few days out of the week...and you're upset?

Am I the only one that thinks just maybe she was letting you know why she isnt available 3 days a week because she might think something with you is worth persuing and she doesnt want you thinking "something is up"?

I think what she told you, given the time you've known her, was more than enuff and that she'll tell you the rest when she's good and ready

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

sherpahigh

First thought I had was that she likes you and doesn't want to scare you off by telling you. But I don't know a lot about this type of thing so...

__________________
"It'd be better for me if you don't understand"

water_boy1999

First and foremost, screw being PC in this response. When did I EVER mention sex and being mad about not having it with her yet? I appreciate the repsonses of people sharing with me to be patient, but I never used this thread to say I am wanting to fuck her and she won't because of being sick. Yes, I am curious as to what it is in the event it has some negative effect on me personally, and yes, it is perhaps selfish.

So, for the sake of getting back to advice this advice column, cool off a bit and try to keep from making rampant, delusional remarks about the purpose of this thread.

For the rest of the responses, you are all right. I have thought abour it and it is none of my business.....now anyways. It is a new relationship and although I would prefer to know upfront, time will tell and I can make informed decisions then.

Oh, and kjroh, what logic and what morbid curiosity are you talking about? I came here to ask advice, not be bashed for having some concern for her and myself and wondering what I should do. You can have your 2 cents back if you like.

__________________
Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

Key

after reading your intial post it seems like you already know what you need to do. stick it out. i think you just needed the confirmation and support, which is what we're all here for

it's a dicey situation only because you know there's more risk involved, but risk is what starting a relationship's all about. anytime you meet someone new you're going to be wondering "dude, what if she's like, a satan worshipper who cuts herself at night?" or "what if she's going to cheat on me" or what else may be wrong with her. you just have the confirmation now that something MAY be up, a disease is definitely something to be scared about.

it's about mutual respect. you have to respect her enough to let her hold her own until she's comfortable enough to let you in, and she has to respect you enough to not screw you over (which she seems to, because she warned you there "may be something down the road" so to speak). wouldn't it be worse if you woke up with an STD she never told you about? happens all the time- just be grateful you're not in THAT position.

i think you're just visibly uncomfortable with the situation and trying to justify a way out of it, feeling she OWES this information to you. she really doesn't, it's none of your business until it impacts you- and so far it hasn't. if you were sleeping with her and it was an STD, yea that quickly becomes your business. an embarassing rash that'll go away in a few weeks? naaah.

stick it out. trust me, it'll be worth it

Batski

oh, sounds painful situation. can only think is a mighty sensitive issue for this girl....... and so of course that sets alarm bells ringing for you.

what to do is nothing apart from tell her that you feel the need for some reassurance because your imagination is in overdrive.


then wait see if any reassurance arrives....

maleficent

Consider a reason for her not wanting to tell you...

She's met a guy that she's kinda sweet on. Only she's in the middle of something. Sounds like she's being honest that it's not contagious, so I'd rule out an STD (and besides we're giving her the benefit of the doubt) And that she's almost done with whatever it is.

Maybe this has been going on for a while, and she's met other guys who she was honest with before and maybe they ran screaming for the hills or snuck out,a nd she's tired of that. So... she's withholding info for now.

Don't pry, when she's ready to tell you, she will. The beginning of a relationship is not a reason why you have to tell the other person everything.

Relax and have some fun with her.

__________________

water_boy1999

key, balski, and maleficent: Thanks for your thoughts on this. It is basically what I have been thinking as well, I just wanted some reassurances myself that I am in this for the right reasons. At most, I owe her an apology for telling her it was selfish of her to withhold info. She does have a right to withhold info like this. On the other hand, I am still up in the air about her telling me anything in the first place till we get to know each other better.

If you all could put yourself in my shoes for a moment. Imagine you are in the same boat, you just meet someone special, you have only been with each other a few times, things seem to be off to a good start, then she tells you that she is sick and sees a doctor 3 times a week but is almost done. Wouldn't this strike up a bit of curiosity in you and make you wonder what impact it could have?

__________________
Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

pimpjuice

IT'S GENITAL WARTS DON'T WALK, RUN!!!

Kidding aside.. if you care about her, let it be. She will tell you when she's ready to. If you bug her about it, all you will do is piss her off.

maleficent

Honestly? Depending on how she told me -- and I'm pretty good at body language and reading peoples faces, I'd simply ask, Are you OK, is there anything I can do? and if you want to talk, i'm available...

If you have feelings for this girl, is there honestly anything that she could come up with that would be a deal breaker?

__________________

JStrider

my guess is shes getting shock therapy for internet addiction
lol...

eh just do what everyone else has already said... she'll letcha know when shes good and ready...

and then you can let all of us know... cuz im sure im not the only one thats curious...

__________________
-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

MageB420666

you may not have said that you just wanted to fuck her, but you did say that her being sick was one of the reasons you weren't doing it yet, and you also said that this disease could keep you from moving forward with your life, so I made a guess and from your response I would suppose I guessed wrong, so I am sorry, but you did imply that her being sick was a factor in you not doing it yet, so maybe you should think about what your statements imply before you call someone rampant and delusional, I may have gone too far, but I was not being rampant and delusional.

__________________
Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn.

*Nikki*

DITTO!! I agree 110%

Esen

Well, since she told you she is sick and not tell you from what, I can understand it is probably eating a little bit at your curiosity.

__________________
~Esen
What is everyone doing in my room?

shakran

she's not telling you what she's sick with because it's probably a "scary" disease - like cancer, MS, something like that. You'd be amazed how many people forget you exist when you come down with a disease like that. She probably likes you, and doesn't want to take the risk that you'll be one of those people that abandon people just because they're sick.

ratbastid

I'm with the crowd on this one. A year from now, you'll be happy you chilled out and left it alone.

Fire

this is kind of a tough situation for me because those that I am close to, are very straight foreward, very up front and tend to declare any probs they have - many of us have lost people in our lives suddenly, and it just seems that we dont beat around the bush at all- so for me it would be damned hard to just abide and not know what someone I cared for was facing- my wife and I knew each other's life stories from the first week we were together, and the same is true of most of my friends and their S/O's - does it expose us to potential embarassment and lower the emotional armor- hell yes, but life is so short, and if you do not risk it all you cannot win it all...
so, best of luck, and when you do find out what it is, decide if you can handle it, and if so, then go in for all you are worth-

__________________
Thought the harder, Heart the bolder,
Mood the more as our might lessens

freeload

I've might missed a few of the post here - but it could just be the fact that she's sonn recovered (or something) - and would like you to see her as the person you got to know, not "that girl with xxx". When you'll have a name/diagnose she is probably afraid you will treat her different.

She probably cares so much of you, that she don't want you to see her from a different point of view. This way she can be (more) shure that your TLC is from the heart, not from the "she-has-a-disease-I-must-be-supportive-and-extra-kind-to-her" part of your brain. (Probably one of the few parts of the brain located abobve waist level...)

(Guess your up to 6 cent on "mind your own business" - hell, read Lurkettes post a few more times and make that ten cent)

water_boy1999

Yes, I re-read it and perhaps my words were a bit misleading. Not having sex yet has nothing to do with her being sick. Honest. I did attack back at your comments, which did go a bit too far, but I apologize for not explaining myself clearer. Friends still?

Ok, back to the subject. For all those jumping on the "mind your own business" bandwagon, I ask you again to put yourself in my shoes. If someone you just meet says they are sick, but don't want to let you in on the facts, would you be curious as to what was going on? Perhaps you could offer support or comfort in some way......
Lurkette, just because I am curious about it, does not mean I want to be "let in on all her confidences". I would have preferred to not know anything at all then to have a little bit of info that keeps my curiosity peaked. If there are people out there that were in the same situation and they said they would not be curious, I am sorry but I would have to call BS on you.

Regardless, even though I am still just as curious as ever, I will let it be and allow her to fill me in on her own time.

__________________
Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

maleficent

You can still offer support and comfort without knowing what the problem is. You can be curious, sure, I suppose that's natural, but if she wanted you to know details, she would tell you.

Accept that she told you she was sick and is in recovery, in her telling you that she has some trust in you. Let her tell you the rest in her own time.

And honestly, if you can't handle it, then to be fair to her and to you, get out sooner rather than later.

__________________

joellp

I agree with you, water boy. Why dangle that carrot out there at all if you're not going to finish the story? Seems a bit manipulative to me.

That said, if you really like her then you're going to have to suck it up and deal with it for the time being.

nongbu

I feel you water_boy, I would be lossing sleep over what "illness" she is suffering from. Since I have a very freaky imagination, eventually my mind would drift towards thinking may be this "sickness" is a man, and her "treatment" is a visit with this guy, and perhaps she is telling you the truth that she is "almost done" with this guy.

So in conclusion, she's seeing two guys, and she wants a "change" and she is buying some time with this mysterious "I'm sick, and don't ask any question" routine.

Or simply, it could just be me and my imagination.....

__________________
"I don't mind shooting, as long as the right people get shot" Clint Eastwood

strcrssd

I say wait it out. My guess is that it may be chemo...possibly for something with which she's prognosed to have a good, complete recovery.

If you like her, hang out for a few weeks/months...if it goes beyond that length of time, then you might want to consider getting out.

__________________
"I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones." -- John Cage (1912 - 1992)

FallenAvatar

It seems that everyone is seeming to persecute him for his question but some may find it nessecary.

Like many have said, it is not your place to ask what her illness is until she accepts you for a friend. You've said you've only known her for a few weeks. To some people 3 weeks can even constitute as a friendship. Spend time with her wait it out and if you're worthy she'll eventually tell you.

pinkie

*Sniffle* *Sniffle* That was beautiful, man.