Jon Arbuckle

My girlfriend thinks having guy friends outside of work is okay. I can see having these friends that are co-workers, but what about going to the mall with these guy friends, out to eat, movies, whatever, with a guy friends of hers i dont even know! What do you people think and how could I make this work? I must say I am a very overprotective boyfriend and maybe a little insecure about my relationship sometimes...To be honest I couldn't even imagine having female friends outside of work! I wouldn't want my girlfriend to feel threatened or to worry! Why can't she do the same for me?!..

Stompy

Nothin wrong with having guy friends!

Humans are humans... friends are friends. Whether they're male/female makes absolutely no difference.

People just assume that if a woman has a guy friend that they have a type of fling on the side.

My girlfriend has guy friends and I could care less when she goes out and does things with them, or meets em for lunch while I'm at work.

I have female friends. In fact, my g/f has been on vacation for the past 3 weeks and I've been at my female friend's house quite frequently. My g/f has no probs with it.

Just think of it this way... there's no sense in being overprotective. If she wanted to cheat on you, she could probably get away with it whether you approved of guy friends or not.

It's just better, and more healthy, IMO, to keep a bit of an open mind about things such as this.

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lurkette

Because she's sensible.

Friends are friends, and gender doesn't really matter, regardless of all the bullshit you hear about people being unable to be friends with people of the opposite sex. I have male friends, ratbastid has female friends. We trust each other, and if anything ever did take a sexual turn, we would have a discussion about it (granted, we have a sort of unconventional marriage).

If you're overprotective and insecure, you need to work on what's at the root of the problem, not eliminate the symptom by insisting that your girlfriend spend time only with people you approve of and don't feel threatened by. That's not a healthy relationship. And just because you can't imagine having female friends doesn't mean that you should apply your needs and desires to your girlfriend - she's her own person with her own needs, ideas, and FRIENDS and if you don't trust her because of your own insecurities, maybe the problem isn't her behavior.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

maleficent

Almost all of my life, all of my closest friends have been male, the friendships have all tended to be realer than the aquaintences I've had with females.

I stood up for a very good friend when he got married, that's how close the friendship was, not sure the maid of honor was too thrilled about it, but it wasn't about her. The bride accepted his friendship with me, and still accepts it.

In the movie, When Harry Met Sally, the assertion was made that men and women could not be friends because sex gets in the way, I'd call bullshit on that, you have relationships with people, as long as you get to know the person, sex is not an issue.

Has she ever given you reason not to trust her? These are friends. Don't make her choose, because you may not like her decision, the friends were there before you... accept those friends... ask to meet them, not to judge them, but if you like her, and she likes them, then you'd probably like them too.

She's chosen you for her boyfriend, she's chosen them for friends, isn't that showing good sense? Trust her.

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the_marq

Going for lunch is one thing, I'm fine with that my GF does it regularly with a guy who I have never met. I have been invited to meet him for lunch a couple of times but never had the time.

Dinner and movies? That's a date man. If I knew the guy I might be ok with it, but the fact is; even tho it's just a friendship to her, you (having not met the guy) have no way of know what he his thinking. Guys steal girls from other guys all the time, hell I did it half a dozen times before I settled down.

Meet the guy at the very least to find out if he is trying to poach your gf, if for no other reason than to prevent an awkward situation for your girlfriend.

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The Truth:

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#3 in a series

maleficent

\Putting on feminist cap and jumping up on soapbox..

Girls/Women are not property. They are not owned. They cannot be stolen. Women have minds of their own, and the ability to think and make their own decisions as to who they want to be with.

.... sitting down....

Meeting the guy to find out what his intentions are would probably do nothing more than prove to the girlfriend that she's not to be trusted.

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lurkette

Says who? I go out to movies all the time with guy friends, and sometimes we have dinner before or after. I go shopping with guy friends. I call guy friends on the phone just to talk. Just because you've taken "attached" women out with less than honorable intentions doesn't mean that all men are scoping all the time. Did it ever occur to you that someone could actually LIKE the woman's personality with no interest in her sexually?

What fricking decade are we living in? Sheesh!

The quickest way to drive a woman away is to tell her what she can and can't do, and who she can and can't see. Make it a choice between her friends and her boyfriend and you may not like the choice she makes. Get. Over. Yourself. If she loves you, you should trust her. If you're insecure, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM NOT HERS AND SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CURTAIL WHO SHE SEES TO MASSAGE YOUR TENDER EGO.

sorry for the shouting, but boy this makes me mad.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Stompy

That's the thing... you're lookin at this all wrong. You gotta think outside of the box and look at it from another point of view.

If your girlfriend is quick to be "stolen", then she's not really a good girlfriend, is she?

It's NOT the man's fault if he "steals" the girlfriend away. It's ultimately HER choice to do so.

If someone "stole" my girlfriend, fine, more power to them. Would I be upset? Sure, but overall I'd be glad I was no longer wasting my time with someone who didn't want to take me seriously.

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the_marq

Nope, absolutely not.

Look I knew when I posted my earlier response that some people would jump all over me, but I'm sticking to my guns here.

I am commited to my girlfriend now, but in my single days I was more than willing to intice girls to drop their BF's in favour of me (never should have said "steal"). I never said that Jon Arbuckle needs to challenge his GF's friends to a chestbeating pissing contest, but I'd recommend at least knowing who's who.

After all in my opinion "all guys ARE scoping all the time."

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The Truth:

Johnny Cash could have kicked Bruce Lee's ass if he wanted to.

#3 in a series

jaco

I have to agree with marq on this one. As much as we all want to be mature and trusting in a relationship, its best to know where others stand on wanting to dash said relationship to the wind, or more likely just keep you as the main guy while they get freebies on the side. Learning about your SO's friends, whether female or male, is a quick way to learn what type of person they are. I know from personal experience that these "friends" can be bad news.

It may be wierd but my way of looking at it is that some people will keep a few "friends" of the opposite *sometimes same* sex around just in case they have need. whether this be because the current relationship is on the rocks or they just need to get a quick lay.

Of course this all boils down to how much you trust your partner. I have come to a point where as soon as someone proves to me that they are willing to lie to me over insignificant things i know the relationship is doomed and end it swiftly. Anyone who is willing to break trust over something that doesnt effect them too much will be more than happy to lie to you over something serious.

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denim

Why should either of you? You're just showing your insecurities.

I have a bunch of female friends who are or have been paired off. I've slept, meaning slept with some of them, but not all. It is possible. You're hurting yourself and her if you make much of this.

denim

Then your opinion is demonstrably wrong, and you should re-evaluate it.

denim

There's no way to prove "love". There's no way to keep someone unless they want to stick around. If you put it in those terms, you're begging to be dropped by any possible mate you may come across.

Acetylene

Two things:

1. If your girl is unhappy with you, she is going to dump you. It doesn't matter whether she's got another guy lined up in the wings, although it might encourage her to get off the couch and do it, rather than stringing you along (which can only be a good thing, imho).

2. If you restrict her friendships, that is a surefire way to make her unhappy with you, bringing about circumstance 1.

If I were you, I would let her know how valuable she is to you and how much you love and need her, and leave it at that. She can, and will, make her own decision about whether she gives a shit.

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teethman

this is exactly why i dont like girls with boyfriends.

slimcr

i freaking hate this subject, my girl has a ton of guy friends and it is really beginning to get to me....

maleficent

Why? It should make you feel more special. She's got all these male friends, but YOU , are the one that she chooses to have the romantic relationship with.

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Stompy

I don't understand the problem... if she doesn't value your relationship, she'll cheat on you regardless of male friends or not.

If she truly loves you and respects you, there won't be a problem. If she values the relationship, you could even leave for a month straight and have a male friend of hers LIVE with her and there wouldn't be a problem.

If she cheats on you, it removes the facade of a relationship that you thought was perfect, but wasn't. From there, you can move on. Would you rather waste years of a relationship only to find out later that she may cheat on you anyway?

Be less restrictive. Trust her. If she cheats, oh well, move on.

Being overprotective solves nothing.

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Mantus

The trust has to be there. Yes there is a risk but frankly I would rather have my heart broken - and end the relationship - then live with some one I could not count on.

Guys can be friends with girls - yes sex is always there to confront - but that is something you have to live with. You have to trust your girl to tell her friend to go fuck himself if he makes a move on her.

ibis

I don't have a problem with it. Most of my friends are female so it'd be hyprocritical for me to say "no seeing other guys for you!" when I hang around other woman often.

I guess it's just a trust thing.

kurty[B]

Being the "guy-friend" in a few cases, here's my take on it.

One of my friends is filing for divorce, because everytime she went out with any guy, or even drinking with her girlfriends he'd spell out his mistrust in her, and tell her he didn't want her hanging out with other guys. She decided she wasn't going to live WITHOUT friends, and moved out, luckily in this situation it's been a peaceful divorce, and they're working with each other to seperate and move their own ways.

Another friend of mine had a boyfriend who bought her a cell phone (leash as she called it), and well not because of the cellphone alone, but needless to say his mistrust led to her mistrust of him, and the relationship quickly deteriorated. She is now with a guy who understands that I'm just a friend, and doesn't get offended, or change his attitude when I'm around, and I've told her that he's a keeper!

I have two or three more of these examples, but needless to say when you don't trust your significant other the relationship isn't going to go anywhere. If you trust her, and you're really observant you'll notice a complete change in that person if they are cheating... I can't explain it, because people are different, but if you really know the person you're with, you'll know, and it doesn't require the Spanish Inquisition.

I would let her be, if you can't, you'll probably end up just getting into arguments and arguments over the long run, and will have a miserable break-up, and maybe learn next time "having friends" is OK!

hilbert25

If they're at all like me, every guy who's a friend wants your girlfriend for some sweet, sweet lovin, but girls are far more rational than guys and some can even have relationships with guys without thinking about the ol' in and out. If she's doing friend type things with them: dragging them along while she tries out shoes, having lunch, whatever, then as Chris Rock would say, they're in the "Friend Zone." Then you're golden and have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Now unless you come home early when she's not answering the phone to find her in bed with her guy friend (don't laugh, it happens) then I wouldn't be especially worried. If you do, I suggest you follow the lead of Odysseus and keep your long bow at the ready, or maybe just figure out the explanation to it all, it's your call.

analog

It's a trust issue. Have a chat with her about it. Just be honest and tell her you don't understand (because you don't) why she enjoys doing those things when you're uncomfortable with it. I think her explanation might help you... or maybe she'll tone it down a little. Either way, just have a talk with her about it. You're adults, it's how things should be handled.

Menoman

I feel the need to bring up a sociological theory here. Perhaps it can clear up some of the misunderstanding in this here issue.

The Master Ladder theory goes more indepth at this link. If there is no attration it explains the ladder, if the male is more attractive than the female but still attractive it'll be explained there too!

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

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braindamage351

Actually, that isn't exactly true. All of the girl-guy friendships I've seen were either guys wanting to have sex with the girl, or not being attracted to her and wanting to get with her friend. However, this isn't necessarily a constant.

The main flaw in psychology is that the vast majority of people aren't satisfied. Almost all theories are muddled by the horniness of the subject and the psychologist himself. Sex isn't naturally intertwined with everything we do. It's just so hard to come by that we end up devoting most of our lives to it.

If I had a girlfriend and was fully satisfied, I could be the friend of a girl who I wanted to be friends with.

There are two main problems with this:
A. I don't have a girlfriend, and even if I did I probably wouldn't be satisfied.
and
B. I haven't met any girls that I actually wanted to be friend's with.

MSD

I can't understand why someone would be in a monogamous relationship with someone they couldn't trust. Isn't that one of the fundamental things you need? Unless you keep a woman locked in the house 24/7 and nobody rings the doorbell, she will see other human males. Most likely, she will find some of them attractive. If you can't trust her not to act on that attraction, why would you be with her in the first place? For those of you who have bi or bi-curious girlfriends, are you afraid of them having female friends, or is there some sort of immature hope in the back of your mind that you'll end up with a threesome because of it? Do you think It's OK for you to have female friends?

Changing subjects, the Ladder Theory is complete and utter bullshit spewed out by a guy who is bitter about not being able to fuck any woman he sees and can't accept that men can be friends with attractive females without spending every second making surreptitious attempts to get in her pants.

Fallon

I think it all relies on how you feel about your relationship with said S.O. Also I feel that this isn't only a male issue as my fiancee isn't that comfortable with me having female friends. Does that bother me? No, maybe later on but that's something we'll work on. My old girlfriend had many guy friends that I wasn't comfortable with. She was extremely flirty and I didn't totally feel like I could trust her. In high school, I was in a vocational school which was half an hour away and we had to drive to it. Usually when I'd come back from Voc, I'd have friends telling me how she was hanging all over other guys and other things that made me nervous. Eventually our relationship got pretty bad and she broke it off to go out with one of the guys that everyone was warning me about.
Now, did that affect my current relationship? For the first part of it, but I grew past that and learned to trust my fiancee. She's never given me reason to worry and if there was ever anything that she thought would make me worry, she's explained it before I'd even ask. She's gone out to dinner(college dining hall dinner) with some of her friends and gone on trips with guys and it hasn't bothered me.
So in all, I believe it's as others have stated, an issue of trust. I was quite insecure about my relationship with my ex, which may or may not have been rightly so but now, I am happy and secure in the knowledge that she comes home to me and not to any other guy.

jaco

I never said the word "love" anywhere in there. As it has nothing to do with a relationship as i see it.

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"How soft your fields so green, Can whisper tales of gore"
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denim

So drop my first sentence and keep the rest.

jaco

Dont see how you are arguing with me

So you're saying trust as the basic essence of a relationship is wrong and any possible mate will drop me once they figure out that i believe this?

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"How soft your fields so green, Can whisper tales of gore"
"Thou art god"

ShaniFaye

going to dinner and movies with a guy is a date? How in the world does that scenario automatically make it a date?

Both Dave and I have lots of opposite sex friends that we do things seperately with. So if I go to dinner and movies with a guy friend if Dave is having to work or has plans with one of his friends its a DATE...I dont think so. IMO its healthy for a relationship with you have "outside" friends. You do not always have to do things with other people like you're siamese twins.

As a general rule I dont like many women, never have, mainly because it fucks me off to no end to watch the games a lot of them play so 95% of my friends are guys. Dave has lots of male and female friends that he is more than free to hang out with.

Shoot I have one guy that I've been friends with since I was 18 and we even went to Las Vegas together (alone) for a weekend last year AND shared a hotel room (to save expenses)

Gosh I really hate it when people say guys and girls can not be platonically friends, its such bullshit

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denim

Agreed.

Johnny Rotten

I think two emotionally mature people who are good at communicating with each other can be a couple and hang out with friends of the opposite sex. When you're young, though, this can be a recipe for bad things.

Second, there's no point in being possessive or overprotective. No matter what measures you take, a girlfriend who's intent on cheating on you will find a way--and may do it that much faster because of your clutchiness (not you in particular, Jon Arbuckle, just "you" in general). There's no way to forcibly prevent infidelity without doing something stupid and regrettable.

If she hasn't given you any reason to be suspicious or wary, then you can relax and be happy that she chooses you over all the other guys she knows.

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todd

My first thoughts exactly.
Although if it was myself, I wouldn't like it too much. I get jealous pretty easily. I've never been in this situation, but if my girlfriend was constantly hanging out with another guy, even if I did know him, i'd be pretty suspicious and definitly jealous, even if she is MY girlfriend. Maybe it's fine now, but the more you hang out with somebody the more relaxed you can get with them, meaning the more likely the chance is of 'something happening.'

Flyguy

So what was that bottle that you keep in the basement with something that looks like a penis in it? Looking closer at the label it reads,

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS

In all honesty, there's no way my wife is going to be going with all kinds of guy "friends" every other night without me saying something. Especially if I have no fucking clue as to who they are.

Kalnaur

I trust my fiancee, and she trusts me. Without trust, there is no hope. And all men who think that every guy just wants a good lay from anything available needs a good psych eval, cause something is screwed up in their heads. No offense meant.

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Menoman

Probably no girls will believe it. Probably a good amount of men won't acknowledge they believe it.

If the women is attractive, sex will be involved. It's just how it goes. If you say you have a friend who is a guy, and one day you called him up, told him come on over, and you answered the door buck ass naked and asked him to fuck your brains out, He'd do it :/ and I'd put alot of money on this bet.




Is this to say you can't let your female s/o go out with friends who are guys? Not exactly.

Just because the guy would fuck her doesnt mean she will fuck him, which is good.

If your using the stance, I trust my s/o so I don't mind her going out with guy friends all the time. That's all fine and cool and I'm happy for you. But it doesnt prove anything about whether or not sex is involved in all guy/girl friendships.

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Kalnaur

You would loose your money in a bet against me. Then again, perhaps I'm not a dishonest snake.

Sad that so many of my gender think with their penis; I mean, how many thousands of years does it take to control animal urges?

Menoman

I meant if you were a female and did that.....

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Mantus

Of course sex is always involved. Both a male and a female are perfectly aware that their genitals are compatible. Yet sexuality is not the only determining factor in human behavior.