intecel

... that you don't love her.

I don't know if this is the right forum or not, but I'm gonna shoot it in here anyways... Don't know what to do...

I'm 24 years old, own a house, have a steady, decent paying job. I just started going to the gym every night and I'm the kind of person who loves to go out and have a good time.

I have been dating a girl for about 15 months now. She is 20, has no ambition in life, she lost her full college scholarship because she would rather sit around the house and do housework when she's not working at her part-time job.

To me, the spark is gone... I enjoyed it for the first few months, then she basically moved in (mainly because my roommate gave her his spare key).

She has no common sense about anything, doesn't like any of my friends, has no friends of her own, and it's hard to even make conversation with her anymore because we're on two totally different levels... I'm a computer geek. She's the ex-highschool cheerleader...

I know she's not using me for my money because she never asks me for anything...

Last weekend, I met up with an old friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a few years... She was a girl that I used to mess around with back in high school. We went to a bar, had a few drinks, listened to a local band, and reminisced about the past. I had a GREAT time with her.

Before anyone judges me by the above paragraph, nothing happened between us. I'm not sure anything would have, but I wasn't even going to try, knowing that I had a girlfriend waiting at home for me...

I have had a few propositions from girls recently and it's hard to keep saying no, when I really don't love the girl that I'm with now..

Now, onto my question... How do I tell a girl that is deathly in love with me, that lives with me, and that wants so badly to marry me... that i don't want to date her anymore?

It's not that I want to have sex with all these other girls... I actually want a break from dating for a while.. I was in a 5 year relationship with someone just a couple months before I got together with my current girlfriend (which could also be part of the problem). In the couple months between, I dated a few girls that just weren't my type.

I want to let her down nice, because she is generally a sweet girl. I just know that she is not the one for me.

What's the best way to go here... I don't want to keep her hanging on if there's no point to it, but it's hard to end it, knowing how much she cares for me...

Any advice... please....

Averett

Ouch... rough one. Gotta do it quick. You can't have one of those long drawn out breakups.

She lives with you, right? Does she have a place she can easily move to? It'll be rough if she has to stay at your place after you broke up. No - that would be hell.

As for how? Man, I don't know. Theres no easy or less painful way. She'll be hurt any way you slice it.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

intecel

Yeah, she lives with me, but her mom and grandparents both have places close-by, which I think will be my savior...

dabossy2k

Ya man honestly there isn't a easy way. But if this isn't a girl you love then you should do it and get out before you do something you'll regret. Maybe you should try the seperation thing and see if that maybe motivates her to do something and possilby spark your intrest again. But hey if shes gotta go then shes gotta go. Be prepared for all the tears. Cause she is going to cry a river.

But one question have you talked to her yet about the issues you have with her?

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Recovering nice guy

phredgreen

it's rough... there's the "the grass is always greener on the other side" factor, but from the look of things, it's over anyways. i'd sit her down and let her know you're just not into it any more, and that she needs (say "needs", not should) to pack her stuff up and head to mom's or grandma's by the end of the weekend. be firm about this... the longer you drag it out, the harder it will be.

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Averett

Yup, what phred said. If you're going to do it, do it. Don't let her stay with you until this or that or the other thing.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

World's King

Be Honest.


That's the key to everything.


And give her my number...

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

intecel

I have brought up all my issues with her, time and time again... Nothing changes, although she always says things will...

She also doesn't seem to understand that I'm not at the point in my life where I'm ready to settle down, stop going out with friends, and give up my "alone time"...

Things might be different if she had friends to go hang out with sometimes, but I have only seen her go out with 1 person a few times in the 15 mos we've dated. She basically waits at home for me to get there, then wants to do something...

She is just not a mature person yet. All my friends see it, and hell, I'm even seeing it now too...

intecel

Yeah, I really don't want it getting to the point where I'm just sick of it and we get into a fight for no reason just so I can bring all this up, but this is hard...

maleficent

Don't use the "It's not you, it's me" line.

I'm all for honesty with a person, but if you use the reasons that you gave, because she could theoretically change all that. If she did would you still be interested?

The truth is, you are both at different places in your life right now, you want something else.

Like yanking off a bandaid, just do it quick.

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Bill O'Rights

Oh dude...you're screwed. You might as well start shopping for wedding bands now, cause she's gonna be with you 'till the bitter bitter end.

Just kidding. Think of it as kinda like a band-aid. the slower and longer you take to pull it off....the more it hurts. If you get it done quickly, however, it's just one quick, over before you know it, hurt. The choice is yours.

*edit* maleficent and I must have been typing at the exact same moment. But, me being long winded, she beat me to the punch. Still...great minds and all...

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Averett

Yup, the "We're at different points in our life" line might just work.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

intecel

Ohh... I kinda like that line...

intecel

The thing is, there are a lot more issues than what I've brought up on here, and every time I've brought them up, she always says she'll stop, but never does...

Another thing is, I love having intelligent conversation. This is the reason that I hang out with the people that I do. Sometimes we'll all just get together and chat for hours. I can't do this with her... It's almost like I'm talking to a wall sometimes. We generally don't even talk much when we go out to have a meal together...

ibis

That's a good one.

Another one (a bit harsher):
"I need some one that runs beside me in life, not someone I have to carry"

My mother actually told me to use this one once...

dabossy2k

Wow now that one is one I have to remember.

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Recovering nice guy

denim

Your mom may not be quite as harsh as she seems up-front. Not only does that statement contain the problem, but also the solution she's going to have to use if she ever wants someone real.

la petite moi

I'd tell her why you've lost the spark- her lack of motivation, right?

It's going to be hard, but you can't just keep going with someone you can't find anything in common with. Then again, maybe she just needs your help to find some direction, eh?

intecel

I've already told her that I'd help her pay for school and she just doesn't want to go. She's happy with working 25 hours a week, then coming home and doing all the wife type stuff (laundry, cleaning, bitching (oops)).

I'd rather be with someone who is independant and would go do something without me telling/asking her to...

After hearing all your thoughts, I think I know what I have to do... I just have to find a time where there are no sharp objects around...

Thanks for the advice all..

dabossy2k

Wow you know some of us would like a girl like that cause now a days they are few and far between. But hey if you gotta go you gotta go. But I think you already know that. For the break up thing I have to agree with most of the others and quote Seinfeld and say " you have to remove it like a bandaid on motion right off." Quick and painfull but not long and painfull which is always worse.

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Recovering nice guy

*Nikki*

Don't let this continue on any longer. The longer it goes unresolved the more diffulcult it will be for her. Tell her striat and to the point. There is no easy way to do this as many have said. Tell her your exact feelings and dont make any shit up. Odviously you have lead her on to a point otherwise she would not be living with you no matter how many spare keys you have. Keep it honest. You owe her that.

sailor

Wow. Thats a tough one man. Not sure I can add anything to what the others have said... Let us know how it goes.

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"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
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fyrehair

Just be honest with her. The longer you let things go, the worse it'll get. But when you're honest, be kind but firm.

Averett

Why would a guy want a girl like that?

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

denim

What, one that stays home and cleans? I could go for that much of this girl. It's the rest of her that sounds like it needs work. And I want her to have a job too. As long as I'm dreaming, I want a woman who will do all the house chores and bring in some cash too. And be a whore in bed, and a master chef in the kitchen. Yeah.

In reality, most of that is negotiable. The exception is the "whore in bed" bit.

Averett

Sounds like a new thread in the works

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

maleficent

A maid is cheaper in the long run...

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denim

The problem with a maid is that, since they don't live there, they don't really care about anything other than minimal care that gets them paid. I speak from experience as a guy who has hired them.

Averette's right though, this is a different thread. I'll start it.

beaco

Ouch, thats going to be tricky,

Better earlier than later though

mrbroker00

1. I think every man wants a whore in the bed. 2. My advice to this guy here would be to do what's best for you and what's not gonna hold you back. Don't let some broad jeopardize your younger years so you can babysit her. You'll have the rest of your life to sit around while your wife cleans the oven and all that jazz.

Lookout for #1.

Mr.lover

ok Dude, how long have she been living with u? Just wondering, because she can really screw u and take u for half... does she have your address as her legal one? Her bank statements, credit card bills etc coming to your address? If so then u are screwed, cuz now u have a common law wife, sorry but those are the facts, not sure if it applies to your state but generally, thats the case.

But get out if u are not sure she's the one for u. Do it now!! break off completely!! and never look back.. otherwise it could mean years of on and off relationships the worse kind of all..

I wasted 6 years of my life in such a relationship, i care about her but knew she was not the one for me.. why was i still in the relationship? cuz she wanted to stay and i couldn't say no..

ShaniFaye

honesty is the best way to go...but I have one question

you said
Why have you let it go on so long if you only enjoyed the "first few months"?

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Robaggio

I imagine that the time after the "first few months" was when he was trying to work things out with her?

I dunno. The chaos and change that insues when a couple first starts living together can be enough to cloud judgement. Perhaps it is only recently that he has been able to look back on his relationship and realize he wasn't happy.

Stompy

Bad advice, but if you don't wanna flat out tell her, you could do things to make her wanna leave you.

You said she wants to marry you? Tell her you don't ever wanna get married and that it's something you just realized. Maybe that'll get HER thinking and SHE'LL move out!

I wouldn't recommend the above, but... it IS an option.

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I love lamp.

Nitrox

This is a classic case of taking the path of least resistance. Sometimes, we let things go on because it is easier than standing up and questioning ourselves. Honestly, the best thing you can do is just tell her flat out how you feel.

analog

Yes to everything above.

Oh, and don't give him her number. King, you need more drama like a gym needs a Burger King.

yippiekiyeh

Okay this is a pointed question... But there are some states that do not have common law marriages. Check your state to make sure... For example, California does not have a common law marriage.

FYI these states have common law marriage rules:

Alabama
Colorado
District of Columbia
Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah

intecel

I actually tried this one a couple weeks ago... She brought up something about a friend of hers getting married, and hinted at us... I told her that I never planned on getting married and she just got really quiet.

I'm in Florida... If I remember right, commonlaw is 7 years living together... My roommate would be legally married to me before her lol... scary thought...