EffStarStarStar

I'm going to go more along the lines of what uptown wrote, because I feel there are more than enough people poking their head in, skimming the story, and saying kick the bitch to the curb.

It seems to me -- and you'll have to do some soul-searching to decide whether I'm right or not -- that you feel bad and you want people to understand it. You want validation of your pain more than you want a solution. You want her to understand it, and you want us to understand it. Why is it so important? Shouldn't finding a solution be just as important or more important?

You persuaded her to move in with you but you did not force her. No matter what you said or did, it was her decision. You need to realize that the same applies to what she has done to you. The actions that she does are her responsibility, and your response to those actions is your responsibility.

"cried like a baby for most of the phone call"? Your fault.
"haven't eaten in 24 hours"? Your fault.
"cannot sleep"? Your fault.
"Suicidal for short periods of time"? Your fault.

These are things that she CANNOT do to you; you can only do them to yourself. I'm not saying that you should have a heart made of stone and not care about what your friends do to you, but you are putting too much emphasis on this pain and you want to hear us say that it's all her fault. Let's take stock of what her actions were: moved in with you, broke a few engagements, became interested in spending time with people who are more like her, cut it off with you by getting her own apartment and putting distance between you, and started seeing another guy. I'm going to leave the financial situation out of this, because it seems irrelevant. As Rogue49 put it, you're a giver. I don't doubt that she accepted these things because she thought it was 100% okay with you, and I don't doubt that you were 100% okay with it when you agreed to it.

If I sound a little harsh, it's because this situation hits close to home. I see some of myself in your post. I have also been in situations where it got well beyond a point where I should have given up, and the pain became my focus. At those times, I was deliberately making myself feel worse and making that her fault. Looking back, there really is nothing awful that was done to me, but I needed a reason why it didn't work out, and I made that my reason. That I was in pain that SHE had created, and she didn't see it or didn't care, and so she must be an insensitive or hurtful person who I shouldn't have been going after in the first place. And as cracked up as it sounds, I think another big reason that I did it was for pity... that after all else had failed I thought I could get someone to like me out of pity.

Your situation is different than mine, of course, but I see certain parts that are definitely very similar. Most notably, "(if you kiss a guy, doesn't that mean you're "with him"?)" struck a chord in me. I'm reminded of how I went into college thinking that (at least on a subconcious level) and that it took a long while for me to shed that kind of nonsense. If you two were already together, I could see making a kiss a big deal. But you weren't. The two of you had broken up. You were trying to put things back together, and she was open to the idea. It is not a crime for her to fall for somebody else. As many people here have said already, it would appear that you two are not right for each other, and if you're going to act on that information you need to be able to do so without making it "all her fault" that it didn't work out. It just didn't work out. These things happen. In any case, I wish you the best of luck.

KeyserSoze

Worried,

I went through the EXACT situation with the exception of I paid her rent for a year and a half the first time we were together before I found her with my boss. After a couple of years we tried again but this time she moved in with me........BIG MISTAKE!!

I thought I could not live without her, but I truly thank God for moving her in and seeing the real her.

She's gone now and the only thing that hurts more is not being able to see her daughter as much as I used too. That child is the only reason I was truly in love with her.

Be grateful bro and shake it off, I suffered for 2 years after our first breakup and now I am glad she is GONE....but I still miss her daughter more then anything.

Get out more often and DON'T sit around feeling sorry for yourself thinking what you could have done different.....IT WAS MEANT TO BE.

Tell her to get her shit out of your place and don't call her......get on with your LIFE!

__________________
THERE IS NO KEYSER SOZE!!

jyearwoo

I just wanted to interject something here. I went through a situation very very similiar to yours. I acted almost the same way you are acting now. I read your post and some of the things you indicate about not wanting her back, but reconciling the friendship if she does certain things, etc., etc. I used to say these things and the reason I did was simple, I still, after everything she did, wanted her back. I hoped that she would magically see what she was doing, and that the love in her heart would make her change. Then one day, I woke up, and was out-of-love, and for the first time saw her for what she was. The fact of the matter is, you need to realize that she is not going to have a change of heart, because there is no love in her heart. My opinion is if you really love someone, there is no possible way you can do what she did to you. Realize, she used you, she is a horrible person and no matter how much you hope she can change, she is not going to. Take the blinders off and see the real her.

worried_one

I just wanted to give everybody an update on what has happened:

I've decided to move on with my life. Until last night (more on that later) I hadn't spoken to her in 2 weeks. In that period of time I have gone out on 3 dates with 3 different girls. My sense of self-worth has improved to a degree where I don't worry about not being able to find another woman to love again. No, I am not ready for a relationship, but I am ready to start dating...to get out...to have a little fun.

I still think about her quite a bit, but I was growing stronger and stronger and thinking about her less and less. Thinking about her being with another man no longer upsets me so much.

Well...she called me last night. I told her that I would contact her when I was ready to talk to her and she agreed to not call me to give me healing time. But she broke the agreement. She definitely sounded different on the phone. She told me that she had been very depressed the past few weeks. She told me that her grandmother was going to relieve her of her debt problems and that she saw that her life would hopefully be able to get turned around. She mentioned that she still thought the two of us would never be able to work out, but she missed me a great deal and had a hard time coping with the fact that we invested so much into a relationship that didn't work. She had heard that I was dating other girls now. I confirmed that and told her I was having a good time meeting new people. We talked about her son and how he has asked to talk to me but she doesn't know how to explain to him that we're broken up. Then she asked me if I had kissed any of the girls I had dated. I told her I had not, but had been close to doing so. She mentioned that I "sounded different", more distant. (That was the effect I was going for). She also revealed that a few weeks back, after hearing how I was somewhat suicidal, she stole the bullets out of my gun so I couldn't shoot myself.

This morning I was very sad and made the mistake of calling her. I started to open up my heart a little bit for her, I revealed that I was going to date other girls and get on with my life but that I still loved her and cared for her. It was an awkward conversation, this time I sounded weak and she sounded a bit stronger.

Anyway....I just want to stop talking to her again and focus on dating these girls again. Re-reading this thread has convinced me again that she is young, confused, and not the right girl for me.

Thank you, everybody, so...SO much for your support through this. This thread has been an incredible help for me over the past couple of weeks.