Getting over your SO
 

My girlfriend and I split up on Saturday. We had been together for about a year and a half. It was kind of a mutual decision, but she seemed to be more in favour of it than I felt I was. We parted on good terms and we were both very upset, but basically there was just something missing and had been for a while.

We agreed, at my suggestion, that it would make things easier for both of us if we didn't contact each other for the first few weeks, although we agreed to stay friends. The day after I got back, she actually phoned one of my friends to ask how I was and told him she didn't want to phone me for fear of getting my hopes up (ouch!)

I now really want to contact her, but I don't know if it's a good idea, but I'm having difficulty concentrating on my work because of it and I feel it might help sort my head out.

It was the first real relationship I'd ever had and I'm having difficulty getting over it. The only things I've tried so far are drinking and ignoring the problem. I've talked to my friends about it and most of them have drawn a blank. I don't hate her and I don't really want to, so what's the best way to get over her? Is a rebound a good idea? Should I keep talking to people about it or will that just drive away all my friends and keep me dwelling on her?

well if that drives away your friends then they weren't your friends to begin with.

Don't contact her, try not to think about her...you WILL move on, you WILL stop thinking about it all the time...in time. Keep yourself busy, try not to be alone very much, or bored. Go out as often as possible and surround yourself with new/happy people. Contacting her isn't a solution, if she's the one who wanted out of the relationship more, then I would leave it up to her to come back to you.

I've done the break up after 18 month relationship. It's not an easy thing to do but you do manage it. It took me about 2-3 months and now I'm personally fine! :D

The rebound idea although very tempting doesn't really help as it's not fair on the other person and in the end you just offset your misery on to someone else. What I found successful is that I went out loads and met new people.

You have a natural desire to have an "equilibrium" of friends. For me this seemed to be about 5 really close friends and then a further 10 outside of that who I'd still consider friends. If you've just split up you've lost a "real close friend" in order for you to be happy you need to fill that gap with someone else. It doesn't have to be another girl but that's why going out and finding new people will help take your mind off it as you can fill the void.

I'd definately avoid contacting her. The fact you want to "contact" again suggests to me that you think that maybe "it still could work". It may well do, but you can leave it 6 months and if it was going to work tomorrow it will also work in 6 months time. Just don't get into an endless cycle of getting back together and breaking up.

Finally, the best of luck from me but you will get over it. As the cliche goes "it takes time".

I agree wholeheartedly with llama8.

I've noticed that my desire to stay friends after a breakup (at least for me), is really a subconscious feeling or hope that we would one day get back together. It's extremely tempting to get back in touch with the other person before you're finally over that idea, and you realize that it's not going to work.

Feel free to take more than just a few weeks without contact with her. If you get back in touch with her prematurely, the progress you've made getting over may possibly go to waste and you might start back at ground zero.

Definitely get out, pick up a hobby that you might have given up due to the relationship, or find a new one alltogether.

I had the hardest time getting over a 2 and a half year relationship. I know what you're feeling. It sucks. But remember youwill heal with time.

I personally do not stay friends with any girl I break up with-A girl is a sexual interest first and a friend second, after you've gotten to know her. after the relationship is gone, so is the friendship in my eyes. I'm not saying I hate them or anything but I'm one to not be able to be friends outside of a relationship with someone I've had sex with. I'm really picky about friends anymore anyway and being a loner I really don't mind having less.

All this doesn't mean I can move on right off the bat. You're gonna want her back, you're gonna want to agonize over her. Give yourself new hangouts that you two didn't go to-make yourself a new environment. I throw away most everything a girl has given me after a breakup to be remonded of her less. I wouldn't fight thoughts about her but do try to keep occupied with unrelated things. Perhaps when she pops into your mind just say,"i'm going to agonize over this for 60 seconds" and pour your heart into missing her and what went wrong and all that. Then let it go and go back to what you were doing.

I am dealing with a similar situation - an amicable breakup. I want to see her all the time, but refrain - she needs space to figure her stuff out. She's going through separation pains just like I am.

I, too, tried beer as medicine - and I got a little carried away with it. Most of the advice here is very good - meet new people, try new things. I would add - without the intention of finding a girlfriend.

All that energy you were giving her is still there, but you can move it around and put it to use elsewhere.

Oh yeah, one other thing - you might feel this again and again - I know I have. It's totally natural and rare enough to savor. All the good feelings we can feel will always be in danger of being tempered with the bittersweet.

Would it be possible to take a vacation for a couple weeks? That's what I did when I broke up with my first boyfriend. I spent a month in Cali, and when I came back I was good as new.

Taking a trip gives you a chance to do what YOU want to do, and it makes it so that you don't have a chance of running into her unexpectadley. That would be my best advice. good luck man. That's the worst feeling in the world.

Don't try to drink the pain away, man...

Get out and go do something. Take Taekwondo lessons... Learn to play the guitar.... Go to the gym and workout your stress.

Break-ups are never easy regardless of whether it's a mutual or unilateral decision, however you must move on man. I know it hurts, but don't try to ignore the pain----endure it, grieve if you must, but then make the resolution to move on.

Good luck.

Like many have said, it's probably gonna hurt for awhile. Take all the time to mourn as you need, it sucks a little less every day, and eventually you'll move on.
Like doncalypso and others have said, do something! There must be something that you've been wanting to do that you haven't had time for.
Don't contact her until you're 100% confident that you're completely over her. Staying friends is possible, but only if you're sure that you don't have any more feelings for her.
I feel your pain, but it gets better, and you never know when you're gonna meet someone.

I'm going through the same thing, only Im towards the end of the process that you're just starting. It's tough, I'm in my 4th month and not over her yet, but it will happen. The best solution is to hang out with your friends, meet new people, and pick up a new hobby. Since my ex broke up with me I've gotten closer to my friends, met a couple new people, and I am now in the best shape ever. I tried to meet new girls as potential girlfriends, but that didnt work because it felt like I was cheating on my ex. So just meet people as friends, find something to keep yourself busy with, and give it time. good luck

Beat the hell out of a pillow, go work out, scream all you want, thats how I took care of things. It never really went away until I found someone I could talk to on a level that was (and still is) indescribable. Its not a relationship, but its been the first thing in ages to let me go to sleep with a smile on my face.

Rebound asap

My SO and I just broke up after about 4 years. She's already sleeping with someone else. Don't have any advise for you, it sucks. I keep telling myself that you break up with everyone untill you don't. *shrugs* I've found it's been like vigra for my productivity at work since I tend to dive into it. After work it's pretty much self medication time with lots of booze and hanging around friends. Although, the only part of that, that I can recommend, is the being with your friends. The alcohol just kind of comes with my friends and is probably not the best thing to be doing.

I wish I had good advice,You will heal,Someone wonderful will come your way I pormise.I split with a guy after seven years..and I uh..Pay no attention to my post....

P.s. I never liked her anyway. : X

Two suggestions.. Don't bottle it up and don't turn to the bottle..

If your friends can't take a few conversations about her so you can feel better then they arent really your friends.

Keeping your distance from her is a good idea. If you see her, then the wounds won't close for a long time

okay.. more then two..

good luck

first, i just wanted to say that just because your friends may not want to talk about the situation directly, that doesn't mean they aren't your friends or don't want to help. some people just aren't good with advice or listening and that's okay. i'm sure if you instead asked them to help you keep your mind off her or help you find a rebound, they'd be right there at your side.

also, like many have said before... it will take time to get over, it always does with everyone and every relationship... and the best way to make that time seem short is to keep your mind occupied. don't take things one day at a time because that'll make things go very slowly... instead, loosely plan out your entire week at once. schedule a few things you can look forward to later in the week and plan to hang out with someone new each day. also, you might want to think about taking up a new hobby or sport that you can focus on... that definately helps if you can become passionate about improving.

Whatever you do, don't get in touch with her. I split up with my first girlfriend after two years with her and was devastated. I didn't contact her at all, but then she emailed me a week afterwards and this led to phone calls and such, and it ended with us hating each other. Just let it lie, keep yourself busy and you'll be just fine.

At first you'll think about her constantly. It'll drive you nuts. Then you'll only think about her every few hours. Still makes you crazy. Then she'll only cross your mind once a day. A bit painful. Then you'll only think of her every few days. Depressing but not so bad. Then suddenly a few weeks will go by before you give her any thought at all. Finally you'll be free. You'll be able to see her and appreciate what you had without feeling remorse or regret. Heck at that point you might be able to pick up your friendship or you may not want to. Time is really the only thing that heals in these situations. To pass that time though you should stay active. Go out with friends, hit the gym and build a killer physique, start a new hobby, or take a trip. Eventually you'll feel great again. Good luck.

So, John Henry, if it means anything, I'm going into about my 3rd week after breaking up with my S/O of 4 years (had a savings account just for the ring). I know she's been sleeping with someone else, because that's what she said she wanted to do, and in all fairness, it's understandable, she'd been dating me since she was 17, aka, her entire adult life. I saw her last night when she came over to pick up some cleaning supplies, and I saw the remements of a hickey on her neck, and while it utterly discussed me to think of her with someone else, what I found coming to the mind even more, is that I missed the idea of her as a g/f, far more than the actuality of her as a g/f. It sucks as first, specialy at night, when you're used to sleeping with someone, but it really does pass.

I said before that drinking just comes with my friends, and I think some people may have mis-understood me. Drinking comes with me too..for the past 10 years or so we have always had a few beers when we get togeather, now, I just see them every day instead of once or a twice a week (which, ironicaly, was a point of contention between my ex and myself. not the drinking, but she thought I always wanted to hang out with my friends more than her).

So, to sum it up, just kind of deal with it and try to differentiate between actually feeling sad, and just being whiney. I found if I watch the whineyness, I can out-think my heart and realise some things. Like just being lonely, isn't nessisarly a good reason to get back togeather.. and being "comfortable" never got anyone anywhere. All the big achievers in life, tend to take some kind of risk, and getting back with someone because you're comfortable with them, could possible be a huge waste of someone even more incredible, that you wouldn't meet otherwise.

You're still in the early stages of breakup.
Go ahead and call her.
You probably haven't put your feelings "on the shelf" yet.

Well with my last girlfriend, whom I was crazy about, I took the breakup really hard.

I, too, tried a rebound. It destroyed my ex. I did it too soon; we weren't about to get back together or anything, but she was crushed, and that crushed me. I felt like such an ass.

That being said, time does in fact heal all wounds. Don't contact her. Don't see her. You will get over it, it's true. I did it. You'll be fine.

just broke up with my women last night. no advice, but i feel your pain.

I hate this life.


It sucks. It gets really bad before it gets worse. You'll want to drink lots of booze and fuck around with any little slut you run into. Do it. Be yourself... wun and on't look back.

Drinking and slutting around will f- your life up. Get away. Take a vacation. Do something different. Make a change - even a small one.

I believe that there are two types of men. There are the ones that do their own thing, make coin, get an advanced degree, and generally don't give a crap about what women think. They meet with a lot of criticism from women because they get billed as cold, insensitive, players. They get this flak because they are tired of bullshit - and a lot of what women do today is bullshit. I'll bet any amount of money that the ones that women rag on the most did not start out that way. They got to be that way because they have been worked. Women are the greatest thing ever but no one ever asks why some men simply ar etired of them. Men get tired of this silly game women call a relationship because it robs them of their identity. The first thing that starts to happen in any relationship is change. As in, she looks to change him. To mold him into some whiny soap-opera wussy. Some guys, me included, have taken stock in the beauty of that one great relationship and have let it go. She made her choice. Walk away. You can be fond of the memory all you want but get away from her any way you can.

The other types of men are doormats. They are the ones that go around moaning and catering to the popular notion that women have of what a man should be. This is the most simple definition of misery. Simply put, you can toe this line and attempt to be "the perfect guy" and still come up with little more than a goodbye kiss on the cheek and something cheesy like- "you will always hold a special place in my heart" blah blah blah. Forget that noise.

It absolutely is the worst. Yes. There is nothing as painful as wanting what you can't have, not being able to release that hope that she'll come back, or that aching numbness where a sweet woman (hopefully) used to be. Work, study, work out, swim, run, jog, walk, meditate, do yoga, take up another language, travel, change your phone number and email address. Do what ever it takes to get away.

You're not alone. You're following a path that many others have taken. It's a long and painfull path, but one you have to take. Soon you'll see the other side and a whole new world will be waiting for you.

(I think I'm writing this as much to myself as I am you. I just broke up with my best friend of 22 months, about 15 minutes ago :()

I wish people who break your heart would just go away/die.

Going through the same thing. Day 3 heh I guess at this point I have no advise. What I find is good is to always try to be laughing. It hurts like hell and if you dwell on it you will go mad, I am!
Trying to figure things out seems the furthest from reality when you want to talk to her. I know I tried but maybe its best that i don't call her anymore. I have decided its best that I move from the city I live in. My situation is more complicated than yours but the distance is good. I too find I can't relate to one of my closest friends and I feel like I burden others too much with my thoughts. So I think the move will do me good. You should try to keep your head up. if your making good progress try to keep on that road.
I don't recomend turning to the bottle or a rebound. Neither one is a positive in this situation
Not all negative situations have to result in another negative situation.

:(

If that person is really special to you, in the way that matters most, you will never actually get over them.

It is just something that you have to learn to deal with on a daily basis.

Pain, what a ironic reminder that you are still alive.

Just met up with my ex for the first time since we split. I got a call from her saying she was back in town. I arranged to meet up with her half an hour later (not through eagerness on my part, but just because I'm watching soccer with the lads tonight and hoping to arrange some dates over the weekend).

After I got back, I remembered this thread and thought I'd put some of my thoughts on the matter down for anyone else in the same situation. Most of this just summarises what has already been said, but who wants to read a whole thread?



Time to get over it: That's what it takes. From speaking to other people, I reckon that as long as you let yourself get over it, it should take an average of about a sixth of the time you were seeing each other. Don't expect to be over it quicker than that, but do stick it out and remember: "Sorrow will have an end."



Fill the hole: Your feelings are made of chemicals and they're still going to be sloshing round your body after you split up. You need to find something to stick them to so they can process properly or you'll wind up feeling frustrated and lonely. I took up playing guitar again (not that I ever really stopped, but I started to play a lot less). I'd forgotten how much passion I used to invest in it. If you're not into music, you must have some kind of passion. Sports? God? If not, get one, quick. Everyone needs something to love that will never leave them.

Also, make sure you see your friends at every opportunity. Don't just meet up with the friends you hang out with at the moment. Look up old buddies you haven't seen for ages and meet up with them. If you haven't seen them for ages, you've nothing to lose anyway.

By doing these things, you will not only 'fill the hole' left by the breakup, you will actually gain something from it.



Get fit: Start doing some sort of excercise. I don't care if you hate it, so did I until I tried it. There are multiple reasons why this is benificial.

1) It comes under 'filling the hole'. It's something to take up your time and a way to socialise if you get fit by playing sports.

2) It'll improve your figure, which will make you more confident and improve your chances of attracting more future partners.

3) This is the biggie: It just makes you feel good. Straight after excercise you get a big endorphin rush. This is what gives you the big warm glow you'll be missing now that you're not getting laid. On top of that, being healthy increases your general sense of well-being. Make sure you're carbed up, though, otherwise you'll get a nasty, low blood sugar downer after the high.



Take a cold shower: This is very grounding. It helps to remind you that you are a physical part of the universe. You are not just a bunch of thoughts bouncing round your brain, nor are you only defined relative to anyone else. Cold showers are good for you too and are supposed to be very good after excercise to prevent muscle cramp. Plus you get an endorphin rush from this too. One tip: Don't go straight into a cold shower. Start with it warm then gradually turn down the temperature.



Get out: Fresh air. Sunlight. People. Fact.


Don't be afraid to hate: If you start feeling hate, go with it, don't beat yourself up and say "Oh but he/she's so wonderful and it's all my fault..." Bullshit. Everyone is an assmunch at the end of the day. Accept that and you'll be a much happier person. Plus you don't have to hate him/her forever, only as long as it takes to make you feel better. Same goes for crying and anger. All these are cathartic: They turn bad into good. Same DOES NOT go for anxiety/depression, if you start feeling these, go for a run. You might still feel bad when you get back, but you'll definitely feel worse if you sit there and sink into it.



DO have a rebound: But not too serious and not until you're ready. You may have been left with a sense of powerlessness, worthless and rejection. A rebound will cure this. Don't, however, go looking to hard for it and don't string anyone along. Both of these will make you end up feeling shitty. Just wait until you're ready, and start hanging out where you know lots of sluts go (this goes for boys and girls) and let it happen. That way neither of you will expect anything you're not going to get and you can both have some fun. Don't go beyond third base or one of you might start getting emotionally involved. Oh, and for God's sake don't mention your ex, or you'll never pick up. There's no such thing as sympathy sex.

Anything like another serious relationship will come along in its own sweet time.



Get back in touch with your ex: Unless they get in touch first. But DON'T get in touch until you've had time to break the bond. I know a couple who spoke every night after they split up and last I heard, they still hadn't got over it. I think it's important to have some contact, otherwise you might just spend the rest of your life in denial. If you're as lucky as me, you'll see that neither of you feels anything for the other any more and that the person you were in love with no longer exists. This will bring you to the realisation that what you are missing is the love and the bond, not the person themselves. No matter what conventional wisdom and your breeding routines tell you, you can have these things with someone else. This is your cue to start whistling the solo to McCartney's "For No-One". It's a good solo.



Remember, they're all just a bunch of crazy apes: This is probably the most important one and will help you through all those problems that are really just in your head (ie. not starvation or severed limbs). Most such problems are to do with people and they're just a bunch of crazy apes, so who cares.

Glad to hear you're doing well!

very glad for you man.
No where near where you are yet. But its good to see that you are doing better.

Some great advice in this thread. My two bits:

- Time is a great healer. If I were you I would resist the urge to call her as it will reopen the wounds and delay healing.

- Focus on other things; keeping busy is a good way to keep from dwelling on the pain of the break-up.

- Talk to your friends but try to make sure you don't always dump on the same person. You don't want to wear them out.