is this cheating????
 

I know alot of people have different definitions of cheating on their SO. A little background info to set-up scenario:

-been dating same girl for over 4 years....have not lived together yet but we are talking about it. See her a couple of times a week.....talk everynight on the phone.....usually go out on weekends separately (she goes with her friends...I go with mine)...and spend sunday together.

...well I went out this friday.....had a girl come up to me....very cute.....get talking and she has grad. university.....with the same degree as me.....same interests...etc..... Well she lives right by me...and instead of having her pay the 30$ cab...I drove her and her friend home....along with a buddy of mine. Well they invite us in for a bite to eat...and we all sit and chat till about 5 in the mornin. The real kicker is she really wants me bad...and is dropping every hint in the book to go look at her room with her.....but she isn't a slut nor is looking for a one nighter.....Now to my question......is it cheating if I ask this girl out for a coffee after work some night.....just as a 'follow-up' so she doesn't think I'm some dirt bag guy......and for the possibility of seeing if there is 'something' there????? I am highly against cheating and never would do so......but at the same time....I can't get this girl outta my mind.....but don't want to throw away 4 years over a 'maybe'??? What do I do??...and is this one of those 'tests' that I'm always hearing about?

Help ME!

im sorry i cant help you. its why im staying single for the rest of my life.

Thats a toughy
 

It matters how commited you are with the relationship your in now.

But on both ends, serious or not so much... I still think it isn't cheating, as long as your going for the right reasons.

If you really like the girl your with now and you think it could be something great then don't do it... Even if you go out for coffee as friends I can garentee the girl your seeing won't like it and it will most likely hurt your relationship and her feelings.

Maybe you should build a totaly "non-romantic" relationship with the bar girl first because you may find out its not worth it or also by buliding a friendship you will find out if it is WORTH IT.

If that makes any sense to you then I hope it helps.

The moral of the story is... "If you want to get to know the girl, become friends first, don't rush into things and don't hurt the girl you KNOW ALREADY that you care about alot."

If your GF found out, would she be pissed?

Do you feel like you need to hide this meeting from your GF?

If either of the two above questions are "yes", then it is cheating. But only you can answer that.

I can't really answer moral questions. But if it was me and I ran into greg in a coffee shop with some other girl he was interested in I would be pissed.
The question is not should you try for the other girl, but what you are willing to do to the one you are in a relationship with.

Just be open with your GF and you shouldn't get into too much trouble for this kind of thing...

hmmm...interesting.....and hasn't really helped me out.....

yes I would totally be doing this in a non-romantic way.....as a sort of get-to-know you basis.
yes...I would be hiding it from my gf.....and no I wouldn't tell her...

...under different circumstances..like a co-worker I don't think my gf would mind...but a girl who has the hots for me..that I met at the bar.....that's a different story.

"Maybe you should build a totaly "non-romantic" relationship with the bar girl first because you may find out its not worth it or also by buliding a friendship you will find out if it is WORTH IT" ---> I liek this idea...but how do I go abouts doing this?

..I am intrigued though.....and like I said....there is something about this girl that I can't get out of my head.....but I don't want to lead her on either??? Man why couldn't this have happend to me like 4 years ago???

Dude, you're already cheating...

Tell your girlfriend first because if you don't tell her it will most likely screw you over someday. Don't tell her your intrested just tell her your going out for coffee with a girl you are friends with and that your not intrested in anything else. just be honest.

If you want to build a non romantic relationship with this girl, be straight up with her, tell her right now you are intrested in her and you want to get to know her much better but until that happens then you can't tell her if anythings going to happen... as in dating.

But most of all, like I said before and just like ally said, it just matters what your willing to do to the other person. Don't hurt her man cus thats the worst thing you can do.

Maybe tell 1/2 the truth? Just say your going out with a female friend who you've met. Don't give out more information then you need to. If I was you I'd go through with it. You also have a right to your own friends both male and female. It'ss just unfortunate(???) that she fancies you ;)

please explain your reasoning Averett. I really hate those guys who 'cheat' in the generic sense....and consider myself to not be one of those guys. I am in a committed relationship...but I'm not married....and to me there is a big difference between long term dating and marriage. So how am I cheating.....what's your definition.....???

I don't think this is cheating yet... What matters is what your intentions are with the woman in question. If you like her and think of her as potential friend material... great.

If you are meeting with her to see if she is better than what you have and are looking to maybe "get some"... no so great.

There is nothing wrong with having her as a friend. But if you think this is going somewhere you don't think you really want to go, then back away slowly before you get yourself into a situation you will regret.

1. You know your girlfriend would be angry about the situation.

2. You can't get this other girl out of your mind.

3. You're trying to come up with ways to get coffee with this girl without your girlfriend finding out.

4. You said you want to find out if there could be "something there" with this other girl.

You should just fuck her and get it over with. You're also full of it when you say that you want to ask her for coffee just so she doesn't think you're just some dirtbag. You obviously want to see if you can start something with her.



If you're really honest about taking this girl out for coffee so she doesn't think you're a jerk, then strap on your balls and tell your girlfriend this:

"I was out the other night and we ended up talking with some girls. One of them lives by me so I thought I'd be nice and save her the cab fare home and I dropped her off. I thought it would be nice to take her out for coffee. Would you mind?"


But honestly, you're as good as cheating in my book. Maybe I'm a bit harsh, but I expect honesty in relationships.

...basically what it comes down to...is I thought she was a cool chick (and attractive, smart, etc..)....and possibly..there may be potential for something more than a friendship....who knows...?? But I would like to get to know her first (on a friend basis) to see if that is a possibility....and if that were the case...than I would have to take the appropriate actions with my current gf.

..so honestly there are dual motivations here.....as a friend and the possibility of more (simply because she has the hots for me and becasue she is attractive)


it all comes down to temptation I guess. Some of your points are well taken Averett. I think if I told my gf in the way you said...that whe would have no problem...but there's a little piece that says she might. So I figure why get into a bunch of hot water....overr a coffee......if she won't even know. I guess I am worried....that if the coffee part goes well....where do I stop practicing that philosophy?? Will it turn into .... oh it was just a movie...she won't find out.....oh it was just a kiss she won't find out.....etc....I guess I'm just torn with the thought of why I can't see what else it out there while still seeing my current gf...as long as there is no intimate contact??? Is it really much different than if it was a co-worker who you thought was attractive...and going for lunch with them.....and say they had a crush on you??? (man....written that way...that seems kinda bad too.....??)

tough call

...or should I just walk away......???

You don't want to be friends with her. You want to find out if you can have a relationship with her. Don't sugar cote it.

..well not really.....i'm not the kinda guy to just start a relationship with a stranger......I take the route of friends first....than see what happens.

hmmm.....maybe I will have to give it some more thought. I really don't want to get into a situation where I have to make a choice between A or B....and if I pursue.....I might find myself in that spot

Why do you want to see what happens when you ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OF 4 YEARS???


I do not understand men.

I think it is simple. Don't do what you wouldn't want to be done onto you. If she did something like that, and you would have had learned about it, would you be happy? Simple as that.

Try rereading your story. Everytime you mention yourself, insert the words ,"my girlfriend of four years." See if that brings up any emotions in you. And if it brings up anything bad, you know youre doing the wrong thing...

It's a tough spot anyways. I disagree with Averett when it comes to the points. Some of them are true but only if his intentions are to have sex with this girl. Maybe his really intrested in her. Not just because she looks nice in a mini skirt.

I find it to be pretty annoying when women assume that all we want is to make our dicks happy. Maybe this guy is looking for love. Maybe he isn't happy with his current relationship. All your doing is assuming that he wants to get laid.

It's true though hossified. You can't get this girl off your mind and no matter what we say your going to ask her out for coffee... Just don't make a mistake buddy. I, myself, wouldn't do this because I had something like this done to me but nothing happened... you just get very paranoid and kind of hurt because you feel hurt because your not good enough for your girlfriend.

No matter what your going to feel something for this girl... just don't do something stupid

Okay, maybe he doesn't just want to see what color thong she's wearing. But when he says things like "I can't get her out of my mind" and "I want to see if something could be there" I don't think he just wants to share cotton candy and hold hands at the fair.

Bottom line, the guy has a girlfriend of 4 years. He shouldn't be thinking this way about another girl, and if he is he needs to think long and hard about his current relationship, and have a nice long talk with his girlfriend.

Since you have most evenings free. Go out with her a few times to see if it is the idea of someone new of if she really is more compatible than you current GF. Take her for a test drive. Chances are you ar not going to marry your current GF anyways. If you have been going out 4 years and she has not moved in it sounds like you two are not moving forward. If you take this other girl for a test drive and it dosen't work out, no bi thing you still have a fall back position.



Not the advce most would give but it's your life do what you want. Have fun. Have sex with as many different women as you can before you settle down with just one.

I agree with everything in this statement, except for all the conclusions. If you don't think things are working out with your current GF, break it off. You should know by now whether or not this is going to be permanent.

Since you aren't married, Woman2 is potentially available to you. But don't overlap them.

this is what i don't understand:
if you're in such a committed relationship, why are you thinking about other prospects? to me, part of being truly committed to someone is being out of that whole game completely (it IS a game and you know it) and also sharing *everything* with your partner. which you obviously fail to do here.

..yeah ... I'm definitely not looking to get laid here folks.....I can get that whenever I want....afterall I have a gf of 4 years!! Things have just kinda been stagnant....and not really moving anywhere......I haven't had much come knockin at my door either so to speak....and this girl who knocked seems really nice and cool and similar interests!!! I just wanted to see if there was the possibility of anything else....or if she was just bubbly cause she was drunk! If something is possible....than I will take a long hard look at my relationship and sit down with the gf and have it out......but until than....I just figured having a coffee wouldn't do any harm...????

...maybe this is the best way of figuring out if what I have now is really what I want??? It's not all about getting my wang sucked either!!

You're considering leaving your girlfriend of four years - someone who you must have a considerable attachment to if you've been with her that long - for someone that you've met, once, at a bar when she was drunk?

Av, I don't understand guys either - and I am a guy. :confused:

Agreed with the not understanding guys thing and I am also a guy but I still stand by with what i said. He should make a friendship and If they both feel the same then go with it. If your not happy with your girlfriend talk to her and you should most likely break up. But if this is just like a small urge, work through it because you put alot of time and love into your relationship now. JUST DON'T HURT HER!`

dude...I'm not considering leaving my gf of 4 years.......I'm just saying I met an interesting girl at the bar...and am wondering if it is cheating if I ask her out for a coffee!!!!

...yeah if I throw it in her...than I'm cheating.....but if I take her out for coffee in an attempt to get to know her better.....is that bad??? I'm not about to jump the gun.....like some of you are implying.....

Why don't you get together a couple of your friends and ask her to bring some of her friends. Then you can get to know her and not be in a dating situation. Your girlfriend won't be mad if you're going somewhere with 6 people.

To put a slightly different angle on this, you say that she wants you really bad. Then you're (possibly) going to ask her out for coffee. Don't you think that's leading her on?

And I don't think she'd still want you if she knew you had a girlfriend for 4 years. In my opinion, you might as well be married at that point. You shouldn't be looking at other women unless there's a VERY good reason to leave your current one. And maybe there is. If you loved her, you wouldn't be looking to "trade up."

If it's really as innocent as you keep insisting it is...then take your girlfriend with you for coffee with the new chick.

you're experiencing some cognitive dissonance here for sure.

I happen to agree with Averett on a lot of what she's saying.

You can not have this much hidden from you SO if you expect that to be the right kind of relationship. You should have told her immediately about this.

I believe Averett is also right to point out these things to you. She did it rather harsh, which is proven to be effective.

I believe that you're cheating on her in that you're going through so much effort to keep this hidden from her. WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS SO HUGE? Big deal, you've got a crush on some other girl, TELL your GIRLFRIEND OF FOUR YEARS about it.

to girlfriend: "Hey honey, I like you a lot, and we've been together for four years, but it's ok if I start auditioning other girls to replace you, isn't it?"

While it's true cheating has different definitions for most people, the argument of "We're not married, there's a difference" falls flat. The state of your relationship doesn't have one iota to do with the question of if something is cheating or not. Likewise, there's not "cheating a little" vs "cheating a lot". It either is or it isn't.

My initial conclussion is that you miss "the chase". That's normal. I think all men in long term relationships go through periods where they feel this way, and most women too. That's normal. Walk away from it. Learn to do it now, or it will plague you in every relationship in your life.

It's also important to note that, in a long term relationship, *your* definition of cheating doesn't even come into it. Our definitions don't. The only persons definition of cheating that matters is your partners (and vice versa if the situation were reversed).

there are two things i'd like to say...

Your intentions might initially be just to get to know her better, but several sentences from your initial post suggest a much deeper interest than platonic.

If your girlfriend read your first post, would she be mad? If you're already hiding your feelings from her, you're already cheating in your head.

*throws a stone*

well I don't think I've cheated yet......but being that I would be keeping it a secret from my gf...maybe says that it isn't something I'd want done to me. Now if she needed to do it for herself in order to determine if I was the right guy....than I'd be ok with it....but I would want to know about it.

I still haven't done anything and don't know if I will.....but maybe this is an indication of how my relationship is right now.....if I'm considering meeting this girl.

:(

why do things need to be so difficult

Let me make sure I understand what you're asking....I hear you asking "Is it cheating on my girlfriend if I ask this girl (who happens to want to have a relationship with me) out on a date?"
I suggest you show this thread to your girlfriend, and then ask her if it's cheating.

Over on the TiVo Community board, in the off-topic discussions subboard, people often ask "Is this stealing?" The answer is: if you have to stop to ask the question, the answer is automatically "yes".

Why do things need to be so difficult?!

You're putting yourself, that lovely girl and your girlfriend in a difficult spot. I still think that your in the clear if your looking for a friend but your last few replies have become blured slightly from the original "I hope I'm not cheating" because it has now become a thread for you to seek acceptance from people so you don't have to feel guilty about what your doing. Either you love your girlfriend or you don't.

What you say makes me think either you

a) Talk to your girlfriend long and hard no matter what happens with the other girl

b) take a good long look at what your going to do to your girlfriend

C) take a good long look at yourself because what your doing isn't the best thing your ever going to do.

At first I said it was ok and I'm sure your still not looking to get laid but your looking for the wrong reasons because your are SUPPOSE TO be commited to this woman and from this it is plain to see that you are showing a lack of commitment.

You repeatedly want to know if it's cheating. Is becoming friends with a girl - if you already have a girlfriend - cheating? Of course not. That's a stupid question to ask.

However, this isn't an average girl - this is a girl who wants you. If you ask her out for coffee, you should tell her straight up that you have a girlfriend and you aren't interested in cheating on your girlfriend. From there, you can see if you're still interested in being friends with the girl or if she just wanted to sleep with you.

The most damning thing that you've done, hossified, is to repeatedly ask if it's cheating. That pretty much proves you have more than innocent friendship in mind - and that's why there's so much discussion.

If I recall correctily Hossified, you posted a thread a few weeks ago with concerns about your girlfriend's weight gain and the problems you were having dealing with it. I guess you have to look at yourself and your relationship and see if you are trying to find an "out" so you can move on. I'm not saying thats the deal but if you are unhappy in some way then that may be why you are having such a delima with this.
To answer the question you originally asked, I'd have to say yeah its cheating. If my girlfriend met some guy in a bar, drove him home, stayed up til five am talking and then arranged to meet him out for coffee sometime all without ever mentioning him to me then I would totally call her on it. I'd be angry and hurt and beyond suspicious. If you can't take your girlfriend with you to meet this other girl then its cheating and can only turn out badly. Do yourself a favor and forget about this girl until you understand where you stand with your current relationship.

Averett is right - yes, you are cheating. No, you don't get to "try on other people" when you're in a relationship. You wouldn't have posted this thread if you didn't feel guilty. Either leave your "gf of four years" or be loyal to her. Just because you get a charge out of some chick who shows you some interest after FOUR YEARS of being in a stable relationship should not immediately negate that relationship. If it does, you're just following your wanker regardless of what you may say to the contrary.

Men. *sigh*:mad:

And there is how much money being spent on studies to determine why the divorce rate is 50%? Just visit your local bar and find all the guys AND girls who are in long-term committed relationships who get their jollies off a little drunken lust and attention from someone new and ruin their loving, stable long-term relationships!!!

Sorry, but you'll be hardpressed to find a woman particularly who doesn't feel pretty strongly about this "gray area" IT'S NOT A GRAY AREA!!!! Staying in some flirting chick's apartment until 5 a.m. is not okay. Dump your girlfriend and then you can stay with a different chick every night guilt-free...

If you only want a non romantic relationship with this girl then have a night out with friends. That way she can bring a few friends and you can bring some friends and even your girlfriend. If all that you want to be is friends I don't see why your gf couldn't be invited along.

ONCE AGIAN! txlovely, I believe the comment that should have been made was "Uhh... hossified!"

I'm a man and I don't cheat. Don't assume that I'm a jerk!

wow...I would have hated to see the response to this if I had actually done something!!! The staying over till 5 am.....was not only me...it was a couple buddies of mine...and of hers....so it was pretty neutral.....and I was the DD. Yeah...maybe I'm a little curious after being out of the 'game' for such awhile.....and am drawn to this girl for being real forward. She wasn't being slutty though.....just a good girl looking for a sweet guy......and she figured I was single.....maybe this is my way of sub-consciously avoiding the topic of getting 'more' serious with my gf...I have no idea.??? Just don't bust my balls.....cause I haven't done anything yet......it's like B'ing my b'lls for having a wet dream about another chick......kinda along the same lines......it's just thoughts right now.

i do appreciate the responses though...they have helped my open my eyes a bit...cause if not I would be meeting this girl for coffee right now.....instead of reading these posts!

Hossified, if you want a better relationship than the one you currently have, do one of two things.

1> Break up with your current GF and find another girl.

2> Work hard on your relationship and try to make it better.

You chose option 3:
3> Start looking around for prospects of women who would make a better GF than the one you have.

The problem with option 3 is you are accepting and expecting commitment from your partner, but you aren't being committed to them. You are actually looking for another relationship. This is why people are saying you are cheating.

If you are in a committed relationship, you shouldn't be looking to trade up. If you want to trade up, be a fucking man about it and break up with your girlfriend.

The difference between what you want to do, and a married women who fucks strangers and trys to find a better person to be her husband, is a matter of degree not kind.

Could your girlfriend prove that your behavriour was less then perfect? No. It being difficult to catch you doesn't mean you didn't do the crime.

I can't see a "right reason" here.

I love men and don't think ALL are jerks, punkmusicfan21! Most of my friends are men and nice ones too! Heck, I even love one, who has both the capacity to be very loving or cut me to the quick. Whether or not I'm willing to accept the latter is only for me to decide.

Some men, like some women, just don't think about others before they act. Rule of thumb for everyone is if you think your SO would be hurt by your actions, then don't act OR you should break it off with the SO. That's only fair to both parties.:thumbsup:

If you do anything that you feel you the need to lie about or keep private then you are cheating.

This is just silly. Be open with your girlfriend.

Tell yourself AND her that sure you might have been tempted by this girl but call it curiosity or wanting to prove to yourself after 4 years of off the market you can still get women BUT say that it was just that. Some passing thing with some passing girl.

Being open with your SO is key. Forgiveness and understanding comes with total honesty. Forget and forgive the past, THAT is a healthy relationship.

just remember the more time and interest you put into this new girl, the more you take away from what you have and in the end you may end up losing both... make a decision and stick with it...

you cant have your cake and eat it too (if thats how the saying goes)

I am shocked at the possessiveness of this forum. I thought I was the jealous and possessive type but I guess I'm not!

The thought police are here!
How, in any way, do your thoughts constitute cheating? If I fantasize about someone else while we're having sex, is that cheating? If I'm looking at porn while masturbating, is that cheating? If I'm having coffee with a girl (as Pragma has suggested), is that cheating? Really, everyone needs to look at this, realistically.

Yes, you are attracted to her. Yes, she is attracted to you. So, what? Attraction, in and of itself, is not cheating! Talking is not cheating. If you were to spill your semen inside this girl--okay, that would be cheating. Hell, kissing her would be cheating. I'd even go as far as to say holding her hand would be cheating (in our society, anyway). Coffee and conversation is not...

Here, what I think, are the real questions you need to answer. Did you agree to stop talking with women? Did you two agree to actively avoid anyone you find attractive? Did you agree that, if you ever met someone you might like better then her, you would try your best to never see this someone, ever again? If you can honestly answer yes to any questions like these then, yeah, you are cheating. Otherwise, you're not. It's that simple.

Now, don't get me wrong, I would be less then impressed if you actively tried to hide these things from your girlfriend. You don't have to volunteer every detail, just tell her that you like this girl and you're hanging out. There's nothing wrong with that (unless you said yes to any of the previous questions!). If she asks for more detail, I suggest that you tell her. If you don't feel you can be open with your girlfriend of four years, that's another (separate) problem. If you think she'll take it badly that's, yet, another (separate) problem.

The situation's not ideal but that's life.

I don't understand the attitudes of this forum. It's as if no one thinks there can ever be a reason for someone to break-up with their girlfriend or boyfriend. That's insane! How many of you have ever been involved in a break-up? How many times? Why did it happen? People break-up all the time, even after four years, and one of the most common reasons for doing so is that you've met someone else...

just wanna chime in and say that meeting her for coffee is a bad idea.

Think of it this way, what are the possible outcomes of this situation:
1. you don't go or pursue the new girl, but thoughts of her are in your head and eventually, you resent your current gf bc she is keeping you from being with other, interesting people. Your resentment builds and either you have a serious talk wiht your current gf and you resolve to make it work, or the talk is a breakup talk.

2. you go for coffee, fall head over heels in lust, maybe won't do anything with her, but you'll think about it. The rest of this goes as scenario 1

3. You go for coffee, realize she's just wanting in your pants and while you find that flattering, you realize it's very shallow and you don't want to ruin a 4 yr relationship bc of it, so you don't see her anymore and you dno't really think of her

4. your GF finds this post and kicks you off the island.

5. you realize you're already cheating in your head and feel guilty.

6. You realize you are unsure of the 4yr relationship and sit down and have a serious talk getting everything out in the open, which will either break you both up or you'll propose.

Sounds like you're just looking for a backup or an excuse to break up.

I'm a hardcore loyal person, and I say yes, it is cheating. That is just my two cents, but I know that if my girlfriend did that exact thing, I'd be mad as hell, so I would never do it. I am jealous as hell by nature though.

KnifeMissile, I think what most people are trying to get across is that intentions matter. It seems like you're saying they don't. For example, If a man called an escort service, the girl got to his room, and then the vice squad bursts in, I'd consider that he cheated. It doesn't matter that he never got to touch the escort, that was his clear intention. You seem to be saying that that's ok, as long as nothing actualy happened.

People aren't saying that it's not ok to break up. They aren't even saying it's not ok to break up because you meet someone else. The problem comes up with this:
To me, that's asking if it's ok to keep your current mate as a backup while you secretly audition others for the role, 'just in case' things don't work out with the other 'applicants'. If you or your partner feel that you are in a commited relationship, it's assuredly wrong to actively practice this type of behavior behind the others back. That's just basic human decency.

Your analogy of the escort service is true. I would consider that cheating, too. It was never my intention to say that, just because nothiing physically happened, that it's okay.

What I'm saying is that a commiting relationship doesn't mean you can't meet other people. Now, I agree that this shouldn't be done behind the other's back but I disagree that this shouldn't be done, at all.
I mean, it's a pretty fine line between seeing someone because you like them and seeing someone because you like them enough that you might eventually leave your current girlfriend for her. So fine, in fact, that I don't think there really is any difference. When it comes to these kinds of situtations, I lean towards freedom. I mean, it's ridiculous to avoid seeing people you like because something romantic might happen, isn't it? Your SO can leave you at any time for any (or no) reason so you should always be prepared for that.

Again, I should probably mention that things are a little different if deception is involved and that includes "lying by ommision..."

Dude, I almost got caught once...Shit. I was a wreck for 2 weeks thinking what an idiot I was and how could I screw up such a good thing. I would have lost the best part of me over some liason with some girl who lived a little closer to me than my GF of 5 years. I quickly gained my senses and broke it off and will NEVER do that again, EVER. I am so happy already. Why ruin that?

Bottom line is...something, anything so tiny, you don't even think about, could screw this up. And there is a good chance you will be caught and you will regret it for a long time.

Well...It's not cheating...but it's also not cool. I would feel horrible if my SO were to do something like that...and I would feel like it would be some sort of emotional cheating, but then again I'm a jealous guy.

I like the thinking of Knifemissle. Now I still haven't decided to do anything yet...but I don't see a compariosn to this situation and the escort scenario. I just want to get to know the girl better. Hell it could end up as a great friendship......or it could lead to something more.....or nothing at all......but the intention is to get to know her better. For me.....the difference between marriage and not....is the ability to be able to choose to 'trade up ' so to speak...otherwise.....why wouldn't I be married after 4 years??? But why is that a bad thing (as alot of you are suggesting).....maybe I'm not with the right girl now, and maybe I am.....but how will I know.....if I can't even talk to other girls????? I see cheating as an intimate encounter...possibly even holding holds....but meeting a stranger for a coffee, in my books isn't. Now doing it without telling my current gf.....makes it a little worse...and vice versa if she were to pull that one on me.....yeah I'd be mad......but I wouldn't dump her over it.....so....I dunno......there's alot of differing opinions on here....and I still haven't decided on the course I should / will take......but thanks for your thoughts folks

Of course, he's agreeing with you to a certain point.

Wow... So you're just sorta hanging on to your girlfriend, and looking to "trade up". Frankly I find this disgusting.

Yeah, but would she dump you over it?

Maybe I'm too old fashioned. But when I'm dating somebody, then they are the ONLY person I want to be with. I never have the thought of "trading up". Jesus, do most people think this? Why bother being in a relationship if you've got it in the back of your mind that you might be able to do better?

Argh. This is just pissing me right off.

well I guess you and me wouldn't make a good couple Averett.....but I could tell you the sex would be awesome!!! haha

...my intention isn't to 'trade up' or to cheat or to hang onto my gf till something better comes along.....and I know it's not 'great' to be thinking of possibilities with other girls......but it's just thoughts....and if I were to ever do soemthing.....I would be decent enough to talk to my gf prior and fill her in...take the slap in the face like a man....and move on.....this thread just shows the thoughts of one guy......and how he thinks when offered the possibility of a 'new girl' that is into him and that he finds attractive........and I'm sure it happens to every 'attached' guy a couple of times a year!!!!

If you have to ask...

His intentions. There is nothing wrong with going out to coffee. If my girlfriend wanted to go out with a guy for coffee i'd say "Have fun sweetheart"

I don't think this is quite true. When you're dating someone, they are the only person you want to be with, right then. If someone better came along, what would you think? Would you deliberately avoid them because you might develop feelings for this better person? Really?
Even if you did develop feelings for the other person, you still have a choice of whether to pursue it or not. Despite what you have heard in the movies, things don't "just happen." Things happen because you make them happen. It's that simple.

Much of your argument is just rhetoric (which I regret hearing from you). Why bother being in a relationship? Well, just because you might find someone better, later, doesn't mean you don't enjoy being intimate with the person you're with, right? This is just common sense and nothing about it is a part of fashion.

A romantic relationship, despite how long it has lasted, is not a marriage. In my opinion, marriage isn't taken seriously enough by society, so perhaps it's meaning has been diluted, but that's what I think you're thinking of, Averett...

If I was in a relationship, there wouldn't be anyone else better that could come along. Unless say... Colin Farrell should show up at my door, but I doubt that'll happen. When I'm in a relationship, I think that person is the best person out there for me. There is nobody else. This is honestly how I operate. If you're my boyfriend, then you're it for me. If I were to meet another guy, I couldn't even entertain the thought of that person being my boyfriend. The second I begin to think that the person I'm with isn't the one for me, then it's off. I don't see the point in staying in a relationship if I don't feel like the person is compatable to me. If I were to stay with the person knowing that he isn't for me, then it would just get worse. Sure, I'd getting affection and all that stuff on a regular basis, but it would be empty for me.

I agree that things just don't happen. Which is why I couldn't choose to half ass pursue somebody else while in a relationship. I couldn't ask a guy out for coffee with the intent of getting to know him to see if we had potential as a couple. That would't be fair to the relationship that I'm currently in.

What do you mean by that? :confused:

I talked a bit about this already... Of course I'm not silly enough to think that the very next relationship that I'll enter into will result in a white picket fence and 2.5 kids and that whole bit. Relationships fail all of the time. But like I said, when I'm with somebody I act as if this is it. This is the one. The second I start feeling differently, well, it's time to have a nice long talk with my boyfriend...

Of course just any old relationship doesn't equate to a marriage. I also think that the meaning of marriage has been diluted a bit. But I guess when I'm in a commited relationship, then that's it.

Hell, I've taken up too much space in this thread as it is. And this was way off topic. Sorry yall... This is a topic for another thread in another day....

If anyone wants to talk more about this stuff with me, just send a PM.

I'm not angry with anyone or pissed or whatever. I just have a history with this kind of thing.

BINGO!!!

....if I was 100% devoted and satisfied and content in my relationship right now...I would be married! Is that a horrible thing to say...I don't think so...cause there are lots of long term relatinoships out there! It doesn't mean I'm waiting for something better......it just means I am not sure if this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with! Am I a bastard for saying this...maybe in some of your definitions......but I see myself as a rationalist and realist...

either way I'll let you guys know what I do.....when I decide.....and keep you updated

Listen, all you have to do is be open and honest with your girlfriend....

TALK TO HER!!!

hossified: I split up with my ex-girlfriend recently for another girl. You're the only one to know what's right. Talk to her (the "other" girl). Find out. Then decide...
Relations between humans change in time. Let me just say that although I know I hurt my ex with my actions, it was more honest. And I'm more happy...

I agree with Averett.

If you're asking us instead of her, it's not a good indication.
If you have to ask, it isn't a good indication
If you don't tell her for fear of what she'll think, it's cheating.

The fact that everyone keeps saying 'ask your gf', 'talk to her', etc, makes that a pretty clear course of action.
The reasons seem to be what is unclear. Not everyone is looking for marriage in every relationship, even if that would be nice. People are social creatures, naturally craving a certain amount of intimacy and sense of belonging. As long as you clearly define what you want from your relationship with your girlfriend, and you are both in agreement, there really isn't a problem. Maybe you could both start seeing other people, while maintaining some of what you have, if you are in agreement. If your girlfriend believes you have a completely monogamous relationship though, and that her evaluating other potential mates over coffee would break your mutual trust, then obviously that would be cheating.

well upon more thought.....I've realized it is kinda shady of me...cause I would be doing it without telling my gf......which means that it is a 'scouting' meeting. My dilemma is though....that I'm still considering it???......doesn't that tell me something about my current relationship...that I might be a little bored or tired of it??

how many other guys have had this scenario...and what did you do???

Everyone is saying talk to your gf...well what do i say...hey honey...some girl was into me at the bar, and gave me her number and I'm thinking of going out to coffee with her....do you still love me??

ack, forget it.

no as a matter of fact I haven't...but why do you assume it's me who has the trouble with adult conversations???....I've been quite forthcoming and explanatory on this site......so my answer to that ...is it is her who has the troubles. No matter what way I tell her about the weight issue....she would flip right out.....and prolly cut me off....of the minimal sex we are having now...which will just push me to pursue other options further. I would like to know for sure in my mind too...before I worry her about our relationship lasting......simply on a whim!

Ah, you were SO close.

Girl #2 is not important at all to this conversation with your GF. The conversation is "I'm having the following concerns about our relationship. (fill in here). Is there any hope?"

Obviously, you shouldn't be that blunt about it, but that is the gist.

geez....I just don't know if I am prepared for that conversation!!??

maybe I should just surpress these feelings I'm having and go on with the status-quo......(has worked other times)!

My last bit of advice. Break it off with you girlfriend.

Oh, you shouldn't be "telling" her about the weight issue, you should be TALKING WITH HER about it.

Conversation is a give and take. As are relationships. You don't seem happy with your girlfriend, so just do her a favor and break up with her. She'd be better in the long run.

Ack again.

Hossified you have problems.

You have decided on a subconcious level(at least) that you do not want to spend the rest of your life with your current girlfriend.
You seem to be more worried about getting sex in your relationship than having a relationship. I say you need to break it off with your current girlfriend, let her know what an asshole you've been for leading her on. Do this so that you and she can find the people that will make you and her happy.

You have not cheated by thinking about going to have coffee with the other girl, but if you went with the intention of finding out if something more was there, you would be cheating. That includes forming a friendship first. Your still trying to hook up with her.

AAAAmen Mage....

it's not that I have decided she isn't the one.....it's that I'm unsure she is??? And it's not all about sex for me.....but I am unhappy with the once every 2 months aspect. I've just noticed the my current gf and I have alot similar from the past when we were in univeristy...but as we grow...we seem to be splitting apart (in our interests etc...).....but because of such the awesome times we had in school...it's hard to think about throwing that all away. I think that since we got together so well back than..that it could possibly be in our future......but am not sure. Right now we are both content with seeing each other once or twice a week...since on weekends she hangs with her 'separate friends' and I hang with mine....and we are happy doing so......she wants me to come out with her and her firends....but I have no desire...as they are 'her' friends. So maybe this 'girl #2' is just icing on the cake that has got me thinking more about my current set-up. I hate coming across here as a jerk....or a bad bf.....cause I'm not......I 'm just trying to get my shit figured out!!

If after four years you are still *unsure*, then as I said, you have decided on an unconcious level. From what you've just said it makes it even more obvious that you need to break it off. Right now you are reluctant to throw away a !!!past!!!, and by doing so you are throwing away your future. You said it yourself," I've just noticed the my current gf and I have alot similar from the past when we were in univeristy...but as we grow...we seem to be splitting apart (in our interests etc...).....but because of such the awesome times we had in school...it's hard to think about throwing that all away."

It may be hard but you need to think of what's in your and your girlfriend's best interests. If you decide that the past is that important to you then you need to get your shit together and put all your effort into making your current relationship work. Otherwise you are just going to ruin your life and ,even worse, your girlfriends.

ask yourself this, what would you do if your gf was considering the same thing, having the same thoughts run through her head as you are...imagine that emotion that you'd be feeling, now move it over to someone you care about. Why woudl you want to make someone you love feel that way purposefully.

I havent read through all the posts, I have just read through the first page and to me it just seems as though your trying to justify what you plan on doing, because you know its wrong. If you have to think about it and ask the question your telling yourself its not right...is it cheating, thats not for any of us to say what label you should put on it, but if your questioning it then its wrong. I like the idea that CinnamonGirl has, go out as a friend and invite your GF along. That way its all up in the open. I would think this would solve your questions on about all the levels of your question.

oomm

if my gf was considering the same thing......hmmmm......i really don't kow if I'd be upset! I'd prolly say let's take a break and see what else is out there.....given my fram e of thoguht right now. But if she did this and I was totally 100% sure she was the one....than I would be extremely hurt and upset.

Just break up with her. Gah!

if you're so unhappy with the one you're with, just get it over with.... when youre happy with someone you dont go for coffee with someone else to see if somethings up....... its up with you, you're just wondering if its up with her.......

doing the right thing can be very tough.....

Does it really matter if something you haven't done yet may or may not be cheating?

I mean... that's not really the issue is here is it?

The issue is "Why are you asking?".

You're asking because you're thinking it could be cheating... because you're thinking about cheating and you know it.

You said yourself as plain as day that this girl was into you and dropping hints all over the place. She represents an opportunity for a different experience than what you've had with your girlfriend of four years and you're wondering about it.

That's fine. You're allowed to wonder.

However, you know that pursuing this girl is not part of the social agreement you have with your girlfriend. You know that she would not approove. So if you do pursue this new girl... it's cheating.

You can lie to yourself and pretend your motives are pure, and try to get off on a technicality, but you know what's what or you wouldn't be so conflicted about it. It's not part of the implied arrangement between you and your girlfriend and its cheating.

Now you have to ask yourself "Why have you been considering cheating?"

What in your relationship with your girlfriend are you dissatisfied with that you are willing to risk losing it pursue a random girl that you just met?

Are you looking for an easy out?

Obviously you're not just looking to get laid.

If you were just looking to get laid you probably could have slept with her that first night, left the next morning & never looked back.

Getting laid is not the issue here is it?

The issue is you are having problems in your relationship with your girlfriend and those problems are serious enough that you are considering cheating on her.

I guess you have to ask yourself what those problems are and whether they are something you want to fix or if you want to move on.

But it's not fair to this new girl to lead her on and it's not fair to your girlfriend to shop around behind her back. So sit down & figure your own crap out without takingthe chance of hurting other people in the process.

hey twelvefootnine.....that is plain and simple.....some good friggin advice...and I appreciate it.

I'm begining to think you speak the truth

if you don't feel ready to talk about this with your girlfriend, then don't... i promise if you bring something like this up prematurely, you'll only make things awkward with your girlfriend and it will get even more confusing. and if you just surpress your feelings, aren't you always going to wonder "what if?" later on?

however, as averett has said in so many words... you still need to show your girlfriend and this new girl all the respect they deserve. at the very least, your girlfriend should at least know this other girl exists and if/when you hang out with her again. and maybe you should have a talk with your girlfriend about where you two stand right now and where you're going.

as for your potential feelings for this girl, it seems you have some more thinking to do before you bring that into the picture with your girlfriend... and if it takes going to a movie or to get coffee, then by all means do it... last time i checked neither of those things were against the law. but you need to fill this other girl in on your situation and let her know what you're going through. heck, she might have some of the best advice of all.