hossified

I know alot of people have different definitions of cheating on their SO. A little background info to set-up scenario:

-been dating same girl for over 4 years....have not lived together yet but we are talking about it. See her a couple of times a week.....talk everynight on the phone.....usually go out on weekends separately (she goes with her friends...I go with mine)...and spend sunday together.

...well I went out this friday.....had a girl come up to me....very cute.....get talking and she has grad. university.....with the same degree as me.....same interests...etc..... Well she lives right by me...and instead of having her pay the 30$ cab...I drove her and her friend home....along with a buddy of mine. Well they invite us in for a bite to eat...and we all sit and chat till about 5 in the mornin. The real kicker is she really wants me bad...and is dropping every hint in the book to go look at her room with her.....but she isn't a slut nor is looking for a one nighter.....Now to my question......is it cheating if I ask this girl out for a coffee after work some night.....just as a 'follow-up' so she doesn't think I'm some dirt bag guy......and for the possibility of seeing if there is 'something' there????? I am highly against cheating and never would do so......but at the same time....I can't get this girl outta my mind.....but don't want to throw away 4 years over a 'maybe'??? What do I do??...and is this one of those 'tests' that I'm always hearing about?

Help ME!

Rainwulf

im sorry i cant help you. its why im staying single for the rest of my life.

thespian86

It matters how commited you are with the relationship your in now.

But on both ends, serious or not so much... I still think it isn't cheating, as long as your going for the right reasons.

If you really like the girl your with now and you think it could be something great then don't do it... Even if you go out for coffee as friends I can garentee the girl your seeing won't like it and it will most likely hurt your relationship and her feelings.

Maybe you should build a totaly "non-romantic" relationship with the bar girl first because you may find out its not worth it or also by buliding a friendship you will find out if it is WORTH IT.

If that makes any sense to you then I hope it helps.

The moral of the story is... "If you want to get to know the girl, become friends first, don't rush into things and don't hurt the girl you KNOW ALREADY that you care about alot."

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EX: uh...
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Redlemon

If your GF found out, would she be pissed?

Do you feel like you need to hide this meeting from your GF?

If either of the two above questions are "yes", then it is cheating. But only you can answer that.

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ally

I can't really answer moral questions. But if it was me and I ran into greg in a coffee shop with some other girl he was interested in I would be pissed.
The question is not should you try for the other girl, but what you are willing to do to the one you are in a relationship with.

feelgood

Just be open with your GF and you shouldn't get into too much trouble for this kind of thing...

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hossified

hmmm...interesting.....and hasn't really helped me out.....

yes I would totally be doing this in a non-romantic way.....as a sort of get-to-know you basis.
yes...I would be hiding it from my gf.....and no I wouldn't tell her...

...under different circumstances..like a co-worker I don't think my gf would mind...but a girl who has the hots for me..that I met at the bar.....that's a different story.

"Maybe you should build a totaly "non-romantic" relationship with the bar girl first because you may find out its not worth it or also by buliding a friendship you will find out if it is WORTH IT" ---> I liek this idea...but how do I go abouts doing this?

..I am intrigued though.....and like I said....there is something about this girl that I can't get out of my head.....but I don't want to lead her on either??? Man why couldn't this have happend to me like 4 years ago???

Averett

Dude, you're already cheating...

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thespian86

Tell your girlfriend first because if you don't tell her it will most likely screw you over someday. Don't tell her your intrested just tell her your going out for coffee with a girl you are friends with and that your not intrested in anything else. just be honest.

If you want to build a non romantic relationship with this girl, be straight up with her, tell her right now you are intrested in her and you want to get to know her much better but until that happens then you can't tell her if anythings going to happen... as in dating.

But most of all, like I said before and just like ally said, it just matters what your willing to do to the other person. Don't hurt her man cus thats the worst thing you can do.

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

llama8

Maybe tell 1/2 the truth? Just say your going out with a female friend who you've met. Don't give out more information then you need to. If I was you I'd go through with it. You also have a right to your own friends both male and female. It'ss just unfortunate(???) that she fancies you

hossified

please explain your reasoning Averett. I really hate those guys who 'cheat' in the generic sense....and consider myself to not be one of those guys. I am in a committed relationship...but I'm not married....and to me there is a big difference between long term dating and marriage. So how am I cheating.....what's your definition.....???

Charlatan

I don't think this is cheating yet... What matters is what your intentions are with the woman in question. If you like her and think of her as potential friend material... great.

If you are meeting with her to see if she is better than what you have and are looking to maybe "get some"... no so great.

There is nothing wrong with having her as a friend. But if you think this is going somewhere you don't think you really want to go, then back away slowly before you get yourself into a situation you will regret.

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Averett

1. You know your girlfriend would be angry about the situation.

2. You can't get this other girl out of your mind.

3. You're trying to come up with ways to get coffee with this girl without your girlfriend finding out.

4. You said you want to find out if there could be "something there" with this other girl.

You should just fuck her and get it over with. You're also full of it when you say that you want to ask her for coffee just so she doesn't think you're just some dirtbag. You obviously want to see if you can start something with her.



If you're really honest about taking this girl out for coffee so she doesn't think you're a jerk, then strap on your balls and tell your girlfriend this:

"I was out the other night and we ended up talking with some girls. One of them lives by me so I thought I'd be nice and save her the cab fare home and I dropped her off. I thought it would be nice to take her out for coffee. Would you mind?"


But honestly, you're as good as cheating in my book. Maybe I'm a bit harsh, but I expect honesty in relationships.

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hossified

...basically what it comes down to...is I thought she was a cool chick (and attractive, smart, etc..)....and possibly..there may be potential for something more than a friendship....who knows...?? But I would like to get to know her first (on a friend basis) to see if that is a possibility....and if that were the case...than I would have to take the appropriate actions with my current gf.

..so honestly there are dual motivations here.....as a friend and the possibility of more (simply because she has the hots for me and becasue she is attractive)


it all comes down to temptation I guess. Some of your points are well taken Averett. I think if I told my gf in the way you said...that whe would have no problem...but there's a little piece that says she might. So I figure why get into a bunch of hot water....overr a coffee......if she won't even know. I guess I am worried....that if the coffee part goes well....where do I stop practicing that philosophy?? Will it turn into .... oh it was just a movie...she won't find out.....oh it was just a kiss she won't find out.....etc....I guess I'm just torn with the thought of why I can't see what else it out there while still seeing my current gf...as long as there is no intimate contact??? Is it really much different than if it was a co-worker who you thought was attractive...and going for lunch with them.....and say they had a crush on you??? (man....written that way...that seems kinda bad too.....??)

tough call

...or should I just walk away......???

Averett

You don't want to be friends with her. You want to find out if you can have a relationship with her. Don't sugar cote it.

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hossified

..well not really.....i'm not the kinda guy to just start a relationship with a stranger......I take the route of friends first....than see what happens.

hmmm.....maybe I will have to give it some more thought. I really don't want to get into a situation where I have to make a choice between A or B....and if I pursue.....I might find myself in that spot

Averett

Why do you want to see what happens when you ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OF 4 YEARS???


I do not understand men.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Schwan

I think it is simple. Don't do what you wouldn't want to be done onto you. If she did something like that, and you would have had learned about it, would you be happy? Simple as that.

bparker805

Try rereading your story. Everytime you mention yourself, insert the words ,"my girlfriend of four years." See if that brings up any emotions in you. And if it brings up anything bad, you know youre doing the wrong thing...

thespian86

It's a tough spot anyways. I disagree with Averett when it comes to the points. Some of them are true but only if his intentions are to have sex with this girl. Maybe his really intrested in her. Not just because she looks nice in a mini skirt.

I find it to be pretty annoying when women assume that all we want is to make our dicks happy. Maybe this guy is looking for love. Maybe he isn't happy with his current relationship. All your doing is assuming that he wants to get laid.

It's true though hossified. You can't get this girl off your mind and no matter what we say your going to ask her out for coffee... Just don't make a mistake buddy. I, myself, wouldn't do this because I had something like this done to me but nothing happened... you just get very paranoid and kind of hurt because you feel hurt because your not good enough for your girlfriend.

No matter what your going to feel something for this girl... just don't do something stupid

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Averett

Okay, maybe he doesn't just want to see what color thong she's wearing. But when he says things like "I can't get her out of my mind" and "I want to see if something could be there" I don't think he just wants to share cotton candy and hold hands at the fair.

Bottom line, the guy has a girlfriend of 4 years. He shouldn't be thinking this way about another girl, and if he is he needs to think long and hard about his current relationship, and have a nice long talk with his girlfriend.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Mango

Since you have most evenings free. Go out with her a few times to see if it is the idea of someone new of if she really is more compatible than you current GF. Take her for a test drive. Chances are you ar not going to marry your current GF anyways. If you have been going out 4 years and she has not moved in it sounds like you two are not moving forward. If you take this other girl for a test drive and it dosen't work out, no bi thing you still have a fall back position.



Not the advce most would give but it's your life do what you want. Have fun. Have sex with as many different women as you can before you settle down with just one.

Redlemon

I agree with everything in this statement, except for all the conclusions. If you don't think things are working out with your current GF, break it off. You should know by now whether or not this is going to be permanent.

Since you aren't married, Woman2 is potentially available to you. But don't overlap them.

anti fishstick

this is what i don't understand:
if you're in such a committed relationship, why are you thinking about other prospects? to me, part of being truly committed to someone is being out of that whole game completely (it IS a game and you know it) and also sharing *everything* with your partner. which you obviously fail to do here.

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hossified

..yeah ... I'm definitely not looking to get laid here folks.....I can get that whenever I want....afterall I have a gf of 4 years!! Things have just kinda been stagnant....and not really moving anywhere......I haven't had much come knockin at my door either so to speak....and this girl who knocked seems really nice and cool and similar interests!!! I just wanted to see if there was the possibility of anything else....or if she was just bubbly cause she was drunk! If something is possible....than I will take a long hard look at my relationship and sit down with the gf and have it out......but until than....I just figured having a coffee wouldn't do any harm...????

...maybe this is the best way of figuring out if what I have now is really what I want??? It's not all about getting my wang sucked either!!

Pragma

You're considering leaving your girlfriend of four years - someone who you must have a considerable attachment to if you've been with her that long - for someone that you've met, once, at a bar when she was drunk?

Av, I don't understand guys either - and I am a guy.

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thespian86

Agreed with the not understanding guys thing and I am also a guy but I still stand by with what i said. He should make a friendship and If they both feel the same then go with it. If your not happy with your girlfriend talk to her and you should most likely break up. But if this is just like a small urge, work through it because you put alot of time and love into your relationship now. JUST DON'T HURT HER!`

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

hossified

dude...I'm not considering leaving my gf of 4 years.......I'm just saying I met an interesting girl at the bar...and am wondering if it is cheating if I ask her out for a coffee!!!!

...yeah if I throw it in her...than I'm cheating.....but if I take her out for coffee in an attempt to get to know her better.....is that bad??? I'm not about to jump the gun.....like some of you are implying.....

primal

Why don't you get together a couple of your friends and ask her to bring some of her friends. Then you can get to know her and not be in a dating situation. Your girlfriend won't be mad if you're going somewhere with 6 people.

stingc

To put a slightly different angle on this, you say that she wants you really bad. Then you're (possibly) going to ask her out for coffee. Don't you think that's leading her on?

And I don't think she'd still want you if she knew you had a girlfriend for 4 years. In my opinion, you might as well be married at that point. You shouldn't be looking at other women unless there's a VERY good reason to leave your current one. And maybe there is. If you loved her, you wouldn't be looking to "trade up."

CinnamonGirl

If it's really as innocent as you keep insisting it is...then take your girlfriend with you for coffee with the new chick.

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anti fishstick

you're experiencing some cognitive dissonance here for sure.

__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

PredeconInferno

I happen to agree with Averett on a lot of what she's saying.

You can not have this much hidden from you SO if you expect that to be the right kind of relationship. You should have told her immediately about this.

I believe Averett is also right to point out these things to you. She did it rather harsh, which is proven to be effective.

I believe that you're cheating on her in that you're going through so much effort to keep this hidden from her. WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS SO HUGE? Big deal, you've got a crush on some other girl, TELL your GIRLFRIEND OF FOUR YEARS about it.

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Samurai in Training
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.

Pellaz

to girlfriend: "Hey honey, I like you a lot, and we've been together for four years, but it's ok if I start auditioning other girls to replace you, isn't it?"

While it's true cheating has different definitions for most people, the argument of "We're not married, there's a difference" falls flat. The state of your relationship doesn't have one iota to do with the question of if something is cheating or not. Likewise, there's not "cheating a little" vs "cheating a lot". It either is or it isn't.

My initial conclussion is that you miss "the chase". That's normal. I think all men in long term relationships go through periods where they feel this way, and most women too. That's normal. Walk away from it. Learn to do it now, or it will plague you in every relationship in your life.

It's also important to note that, in a long term relationship, *your* definition of cheating doesn't even come into it. Our definitions don't. The only persons definition of cheating that matters is your partners (and vice versa if the situation were reversed).

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bermuDa

there are two things i'd like to say...

Your intentions might initially be just to get to know her better, but several sentences from your initial post suggest a much deeper interest than platonic.

If your girlfriend read your first post, would she be mad? If you're already hiding your feelings from her, you're already cheating in your head.

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SixEdxMia

*throws a stone*

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hossified

well I don't think I've cheated yet......but being that I would be keeping it a secret from my gf...maybe says that it isn't something I'd want done to me. Now if she needed to do it for herself in order to determine if I was the right guy....than I'd be ok with it....but I would want to know about it.

I still haven't done anything and don't know if I will.....but maybe this is an indication of how my relationship is right now.....if I'm considering meeting this girl.



why do things need to be so difficult

cj2112

Let me make sure I understand what you're asking....I hear you asking "Is it cheating on my girlfriend if I ask this girl (who happens to want to have a relationship with me) out on a date?"
I suggest you show this thread to your girlfriend, and then ask her if it's cheating.

Redlemon

Over on the TiVo Community board, in the off-topic discussions subboard, people often ask "Is this stealing?" The answer is: if you have to stop to ask the question, the answer is automatically "yes".

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thespian86

Why do things need to be so difficult?!

You're putting yourself, that lovely girl and your girlfriend in a difficult spot. I still think that your in the clear if your looking for a friend but your last few replies have become blured slightly from the original "I hope I'm not cheating" because it has now become a thread for you to seek acceptance from people so you don't have to feel guilty about what your doing. Either you love your girlfriend or you don't.

What you say makes me think either you

a) Talk to your girlfriend long and hard no matter what happens with the other girl

b) take a good long look at what your going to do to your girlfriend

C) take a good long look at yourself because what your doing isn't the best thing your ever going to do.

At first I said it was ok and I'm sure your still not looking to get laid but your looking for the wrong reasons because your are SUPPOSE TO be commited to this woman and from this it is plain to see that you are showing a lack of commitment.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.