noahfor

How do you keep the feelings in a relationship? Obviously, people become desensitized to things. When I eat chicken tikka masala it certainly isn't as good as it was the first time, but that's food. I think it's bullshit that feelings should dwindle in a relationship just because one gets used to the other person. When I kiss my girlfriend, or hug her, or have sex with her, it's nothing more than physical. I don't feel anything. I hardly ever feel anything for her, but I like her consciously you know, but that isn't enough. I need to feel. I don't want my relationship to end because it is a victim of desensitization. It is too important, even though it doesn't feel that way. I can do without the tastyness of the food.

StickODynomite

Hmmm .. so you hardly feel anything for her.. and that's since the beginning of your relationship? It's hard to say that a relationship can last if the feelings are no longer "there" .. you may just like/love her as a very close friend..but may not be attracted to her like a lover.. sometimes ppl confuse that because they want to believe they love them as a lover.

You may love her personality but if something is lacking.. i dont think it'd work out. That's just me. I MUST feel something. And if it isn't there ..or if the 'feeling' is gone.. that must mean something, right?

Maybe you should really think about WHY it is you're not feeling something for her. It may reveal something to you.

__________________
"The human mind is like a parachute, it works best when open."

Tuffy_McGee

pee on her like R. Kelly.

Seriously, though; buy her flowers and take her out to dinner. Be romantic and be the man she wants. She'll give you something extra, I think.

cchris

Try eating chicken tikka masala off naked girlfriend.

If food is still tasteless try sitting on right hand till numb.

That don't taste like chicken,more like turkey.

__________________
There's a fine line between participation and mockery

noahfor

It has not been this way since the beginning, which was about 10 months ago. At first my feelings for her were so strong, but they have been waning since then. I do take her out to dinner. I have spent every day with her. Maybe that is the problem. I just don't feel like ending a relationship because my brain can't respond to her with emotions. I have felt like marrying her at times. I don't know why I don't feel anything. The same reason food doesn't taste as good the 100th time you'ev eaten it, is all I can think of.

Tuffy_McGee

It seems like you're saying that you can't just turn the emotions/love on and off like a faucet.
That's normal.
I'd just focus on the relationship itself; the communication, respect, etc.
Maybe shitty advice but you probably already know the answers to your questions and are just looking for second opinions.

StickODynomite

it may be that you two spend a lot of time together, it may be too much time for you. Myself, I spend every day with my fiance, we even worked in the same place, and I loved it. Some people dont, tho.

One thing that gets me is that you said you dont feel anything anymore.. ?

It seems to me like your feelings have faded and you don't want to call it off because you dont respond to her emotionally. How can a relationship be successful w/o feelings? Wouldn't that be purely sexual, physical? It's almost like friends w/ benefits.

I dont know, im confused.

__________________
"The human mind is like a parachute, it works best when open."

Cynthetiq

all the intensity wanes...

i'm going to say that it's the people that make the difference. be concious of each other and thoughtful always.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

tisonlyi

mostly, thats in your attitude to the food, not the sensation you get from the food.

You're tasting just what you're expecting to taste, and not paying attention to the sensations your tongue and nose are sending.

The solution?

Look forward to eating you food, eat deliberately, with care, and really _taste_ your food as it is... fresh on your tongue.

Pay attention to what is happening now. _Now_.

Or then, rather. _THEN_.



The girlfriend?

Same solution.

Pay attention, interact and engage with her in a total way, as if its just a happy accident that you happen to know her inside out.

whether you use/have used a speculum in the course of your relationship is entirely up to yourselves.

Hang on, I'm just disappearing up my own arse.

*sssscccchhhhhplooop*

__________________
"I do not agree that the dog in a manger has the final right to the manger even though he may have lain there for a very long time. I do not admit that right. I do not admit for instance, that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. I do not admit that a wrong has been done to these people by the fact that a stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race to put it that way, has come in and taken their place." - Winston Churchill, 1937 --{ORLY?}--

sexymama

It takes work -- the overwhelming feelings go away and the rest takes work. The feelings will ebb and flow. It becomes a choice at this point to make love a "verb" or to back out. It does concern me that you say the feelings have completely disappeared -- that I would analysize if I were you; but if you mean they are simply not as strong, welcome to reality.

Lebell puts it really well. He says that having a relationship is like owning a car. You don't buy it and ignore it. You change the oil, rotate the tires, etc. What are you doing to care for this relationship and keep it "driving well?"

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

noahfor

Thanks. I don't really know if the feelings have completely disappeared. I am withdrawing from Effexor, and my emotions and relationships have just gone to shit. I feel like just because they have gone away I should not end the relationship. I know that there are so many things about her that I should like, and for some reason I can't feel that I like them. I like what you said about making love a verb. I've always thought it was important to find ways in which I have shown that I am in love, rather than just sitting back and letting emotions tell me, but still everyone needs to feel it.

Rubyee

It happens, and no one can stop it. But, I look at it as a positive- I am completely comfortable around my SO now. Sure, it is fun to get the butterflies in your stomach when you have that first kiss. But along with that exciting period of time is a painful nervousness- is he/she going to call? How serious is this? How should I react to this?

As fun as the first extreme months can be, I love to be able to know what my SO is thinking, to be able to sit back and do nothing with him, and to be a little predictible.

That doesn't mean that every now and then I surprise him with something new to do, though.

__________________
You don't know from fun.

doncalypso

I don't know about keeping feelings fresh in a relationship after it has been going for some time... Feelings come and go, my friend. What matters is whether you are committed to make the relationship work in spite of those feelings.

Even though you're not married, you should cultivate the attitude that you're here to make the relationship work through thick and thin... in good times and in bad times. But never ever ever depend solely on the feelings of happiness to determine whether a relationship is worth staying in or not.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

noahfor

Thanks alot. That's why I was poting here, because I wasn't just going to end a relationship because feelings were fading.

Hurricane1

We have all been there. The best advice my mother gave me years ago, before I got married was.... ACT like you are totally in love with that person, even if you aren't at the time.

It may sound strange, but when I put forth that effort and act as if I am IN love with my SO, I am surprised at just how much love I get in return.

ally

Great advice from hurricane1
i have been dating greg for about two years and i live with him now.
When I kiss him I feel like the most special person in the world, and I love when he smiles at me. Think love and you find it.
Tenderness helps so much

hossified

this is a great post for those who are questioning a serious relationship. Thanks for opening the doors for others and posting this question/answers!

anti fishstick

i don't understand this advice. i think it's a stupid idea. why would you fake something? i don't think that's natural at all. acting in love with someone doesn't necessarily get you a ticket to 'love' in return. i put forth a LOT of efforts in my past relationships with little in return and i cared a lot. which i think shows love, or desperation :P

__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

Mango

Pull the pin dude. If you are only BF/GF and already things have gone passionless chances are you are not going to be spending your lives together. After 15 years my wife & I don't have to work at keeping it fresh & passionate, it it just happens.

Hurricane1

Ok. I guess it depends upon if you are in a committed relationship. A little 'fakin it' to get the desired end result? I see nothing wrong with this. I love my SO and want to be in love. Besides, what is wrong with being nice? Heck, it has kept me happily married. In a relationship, there are times when they just aren't doing it for you. You start to react to this. Your reactions do not make optimal reactions from the other.

It is all about positive reinforcement. By giving that compliment, longing look, touch, wink, etc. You will receive the same from the other, more than likely. Which brings better sex, better talks and before you know it.....you ARE in love once again.

It is all in the little things.

::must . resist . the . urge . to . nag::

noahfor

Our relationship hasn't gone pasionless. She loves me alot.

The advie about faking it does SOUND stupid, but I totaly get what you are saying. Fake it and when the results are postive you will learn to actually want to do things you were faking to get the positive results. I totaly get you.

I don't really like talking to my parents, but every time I do I really feel good after words, and soon I will want to talk to them. Like that.

Redgirl

Ummm... I don't get this at all guys. I know your feelings change in intensity the longer you are together. But to say the feelings are gone? That tells me it's time to move on. If I looked at Primal and felt nothing I would know I wasn't in a good relationship anymore.

As someone's sig on here says: The opposite of Love isn't Hate... it's indifference. True, my feelings aren't the same as when we first met, but neither is our relationship. But there is always feeling there!!

If you want to rekindle passion or romance, then doing the little things makes sense and you will be surprised what you get in return. But that is just building on what is already there, not pretending like you're passionate and romantic until you believe yourself.

__________________
Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

woOt?

try spending more time apart.

ibis

I've found that when I feel like the relationship is growing stale It's best to try doing little things to let the other person know you still love them. Because, chances are the other person's feeling it too. More often then not, they'll respond positivley and things will improve for a while.

It's important, though, that both partners use this advice. If not, it will seem like a one sided relationship.

Good luck.

visotech

Heh you want all those feelings back? Put some distance in the relationship, lets say about 2000 miles, that should do it :-\

bermuDa

make every time the first.

your attitude and perspective on the situation will turn your heart. This can go either way, depending on where you want to take things.

__________________
I am the very model of a moderator gentleman.

:::OshnSoul:::

it does take work- but it won't feel like work if you go about it with love..........From my personal experiences, i have grown to realize to:
1- do new things (in and out of the bedroom)
2- play (games in and out of the bedroom)
3- communicate!!!!!! the most important thing
4- be truthful
5- balance your needs & wants with their needs & wants
6- never stop dating (go out just the 2 of you at least once a month)
7- don't be afraid to admit or share something
8- remember why you are together...you love each other- and true love is UNCONDITIONAL (that means through anything you will love them and be there for them- even through the most difficult times- you will grow stronger as individuals as well as a couple) And that also means that jealousy or doubt will not exist. Putting conditions on the love and the relationship will limit and potentially damage it.

Jesus Pimp

FHUTA

__________________
Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

ratbastid

I heard a really amazing thing a couple weeks ago. This amazingly inspiring guy told me that he promised his girlfriend two things when they started out together.

The first thing he promised was that he would never know her. See, when you know someone, there's no room left for surprise. Worse, the better you "know" them, the less interested you actually are in them, the less you're trying to get in their world and understand where they're coming from. He promised never, ever to know her.

Second he promised that he wouldn't ever need her. See, when a relationship is based on need, there's no room for want. A relationship where anybody needs anybody has resentment, frustration, and disappointment built right into it. He promised never, ever to need her.

I'm very clear that this is an amazing relationship, one worthy of emulation if any is.

I suspect that your problem is that you "know" your girlfriend. So take on for a few days that you have absolutely no idea who she is, and get interested in her. Just see what that does to your feelings about her.

Yakk

A carefully edited "I agree".

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

Cynthetiq

Interesting. I told my wife I will never let her "know" me 100% because there will always be something for her to discover.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

ibis

That's really cool advice. I might try that next time around. Thanks!

cameroncrazy822

have something on the side.... just a pont of view, not necessarily the right thing to do but it works for some people