doncalypso

Ladies and gentlemen of TFP I have a little situation and wanted to find out what you guys think I should do.

My girlfriend of two and a half years has let herself slack between when we first met and now. I still love her very much, but she's gained 50 pounds and is way out of shape (she was one hell of a vixen when I first met her), but the worse part is that despite all of her complaining about her having gained weight and not feeling attractive anymore is that she is doing nothing whatsoever to get her ass back in shape.

She refuses to go to the gym, she eats way too much, and then she accuses me of being immature and selfish for not feeling sexually attracted to her anymore and argues that if a man loves a woman he should find her sexy even if she were to gain 300 pounds---I can't believe anyone would fool themselves into believing such bullshit.

Like I said... I love her very much, but I am starting to reach a point where I can't take it anymore. She places this burden upon me to make her feel sexy and desirable, but yet she's unwilling to do anything to maintain herself, and she expects me to provide for all of her self-esteem needs without complaining or noticing that she's let herself go.

I hate to admit this, but back when she and I started dating I pretty much stopped noticing other women. But two and a half years (and 50 pounds later) I find myself looking at other women more often, and that bothers me.
I have no intentions of cheating on my girlfriend just because she doesn't turn me on anymore, and I always make sure I avoid any sort of situation where the temptation to cheat might arise, but it's really bugging me and I am starting to wonder if this means it's time to end the relationship.

I hate to sound and seem shallow, especially if two and a half years with someone I love were to come to an end over a weight issue. But I'm just sick and tired of hearing her complain day in and day out about her weight but yet do absolutely nothing about it. I'm tired of her nagging me that I don't make her feel sexy and don't tell her she turns me on anymore when she's not willing to lift even a finger to maintain some sort of desirable physique to turn me on.
Hell... I know I've gained some weight over the four years I've been in college, and I know I've gotten out of shape. But during the summer I hit the gym, and during the regular semester even though I don't have time to go to the gym I still watch what I eat and walk my way everywhere around town and campus in order to get some sort of exercise.

I just don't get how some women can come to a man whining about their problems but then aren't willing to lift a finger to do anything about it and end up snapping back when he offers a potential solution.


I guess it all boils down to what's gonna happen this summer. If she keeps on eating like a horse, piling the pounds, and expect me to find her sexy while she does nothing to maintain herself then I'll have to call it quits because I can't take that shit anymore. I didn't get into a relationship to become someone's sole reservoir of self-esteem, and it hurts me deeply when just about every friend I have who knows her has told me at one point or another "...man, you could have done so much better..." when talking about her---especially when it comes from people who knew her when she and I first started dating and used to constantly point out how hot she looked back then.


So?... what would you do if you were in my shoes?
If you were with someone for that long and they felt no need to maintain their physique in order to sexually attract you (and they refused to do anything to correct the situation and insist you should find them sexy no matter what if you truly love them) what would you do? Would you keep your mouth shut and watch them physically get worse with no hope of them ever trying to make themselves physically attactive again? Or would you leave them if they refused to shape up?

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Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

raeanna74

Which one of you does the grocery shopping and fixes the meals?

That is one area in which you can help "encourage" her to eat better. If you do part or all of the shopping you can buy more lower calorie snacks and fewer junk foods. Try cooking more at home if you can. Restaurants and fast foods are an easy place to overeat and serve lots of high calories foods. Try cooking better. One thing I've done for us is stop using lots of butter or salt in foods. You can always add those later when you serve up your food but if it's not in the food already then when you want to put butter on your potatoes when they're on your plate won't add up to quite the same amount. Try fixing more meals for her and she may not be as tempted to snack on junk.

Another subtle thing you can do is take her on "romantic" walks. The activity, even though it may be slow and low impact is much better than sitting in front of the TV and rotting. Introduce it to her saying that you want to do more things with her. Don't mention her weight.

Then when it comes to her complaining about her weight just ignore her comments. If she gets upset about you ignoring it then you can say that what she does with her body is her choice and you aren't going to criticize her for it. You aren't exactly saying that you like or dislike her body and you are telling her that it's up to her and to quit complaining. Maybe she doesn't get it when you are subtle - Then next time she complains, then you ignore the comment completely (don't even look at her), then you can tell her that you really don't want her to complain and draw your attention to her negative body image.

Stear clear of the weight issue completely. Obviously she has a negative body image and any criticism even voiced in an encouraging way will be taken negatively. She may be responding to the depression over her weight gain by finding solace in junk food. So drawing attention to her weight will only encourage more binging.

You could suggest that you go to couples counseling. It won't hurt for you to have an opportunity to voice your concerns and the counselor can help her recognize the vicious cycle she has begun by packing on the pounds.

I agree you should be able to love someone for who they are and not what they look like. But being sexually attracted if a physical thing and looks have a lot to do with it. I can understand where you are coming from but putting pressure on her to loose weight is only going to complicate things.

I didn't vote because I wouldn't do any of the above. In this kind of situation confronting it head on isn't going to accomplish ANYTHING but break to two apart. Ignoring the situation will do nothing for either of you either. If you care about her you will try to change both your lifestyles without bringing up weight or fitness. And definately seek counseling. You don't have to tell her that it has anything to do with her phyisque either. Just COUPLES counseling to better your relationship. I think getting outside help is probably your best bet.

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Averett

I voted for "I'm tired of these types of threads"

See here: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=52296 for advice.

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iamtheone

Communicate - Communciate - Communicate.... But constructivly. If her/his "appearance" is starting to bother you, do not wait until this becomes a problem. Encourage eating healthy, encourage exercise. Also, it helps if you join this person in doing so. Just remember to always make that person feel special and sexy even though in the back of your mind you might have thoughts otherwise.

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ratbastid

Then you don't understand women.

Men are SOLUTION-oriented. A male mind says, "Oh! You're complaining about being out of shape? So, what you do is you go to the gym and deal with that."

Women don't (necessarily) work like that. To women, complaining can be used for lots of different things--getting attention, justifying and validating herself, etc.

All that's going on here is, you're not playing her game.

Redgirl

I can tell you from my experience that when I was overweight my SO never said a word about it. When I complained he just said work out then. But that was it. He never told me I was fat, always told me I looked great even though I was the same way as your SO about not wanting to be naked in front of him and that was detrimental to our sex life.
I finally lost the weight once I decided for myself that I needed to do it. She has to want to do it for herself or she will never stick with it. All you can do is be supportive and encourage her when you see her trying. Maybe subtly pointing out the health risks of being overweight might help.

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doncalypso

Why should I be playing any of her "games"? Why can't women understand that nothing irritates a man more than a woman who constantly complains about a problem when she knows damn well what the solution is and is too lazy to do it?

Why must the man be responsible for providing her with her sense of self-esteem?

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Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Untitled

This sounds to me like the problem is more her attitude then her weight.... I agree with everyone else here: you have to communicate. Obviously the 'problem' isnt fixing itself, so you should work together to figure things out. I can't believe someone could throw away 2 and a half years over a weight issue. There has to be something more here.

Bill O'Rights

Heh. Heh heh. Bwaahaahhaaa!!

You, my friend...

*wipes tears from his eyes*

are in for a loooong and bumpy ride.

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hossified

AMEN DUDE!!! I am going thru the exact same thing....but haven't reached your level of boiling point!!

I think where you are at right now.....you just lay it straight on her...point blank. At this point it's pretty much yor last resort. And she can't get mad.....because you have given her the ultimatum. Sure she might try and bash you...but she's the one who is huge and is doing nothing about it.

la petite moi

You need to be blunt. Tell her everything you've been feeling- communicate. Maybe use some euphamisms, but tell her that you want to be healthy, and so should she. Tell her to stop whining if she's not going to do something about it. If she is overweight, she is endangering her health, and you can stress that point. Ask her to come to the gym. In fact, don't just ask- MAKE her. Also, help her get back into better eating habits by keeping only tasty (fruit, veggies...etc) health food on hand for awhile.

Derwood

I agree with a previous poster in that it isn't the weight gain that is unsexy, but it's the complaining. To me, sexiness is more of an attitude that a "look". Self confidence is a major turn on, so when the pounds start going on, she loses her confidence, always complains about being fat, etc., and THAT is terribly un-sexy. I've met women who are "big" but sexy as hell, as well as women who are "hot" but really un-sexy, both due to the attitude they have about themselves. Black women are generally pretty large when they get older, but they know they are sexy!

It's true that she has to want to do it for herself. My wife goes through this too, and she knows HOW to lose weight (she's done it before), it's just a matter of wanting to do it for herself.

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final_identity

ROFL. Fair points to you and those who agree with you. She isn't complaining in order to find a solution, and she isn't even bemoaning his failure to make her feel sexy in order to get him to do more of that. She's making expressions of her current state of mental feeling.

I still wonder why it's up to guys to play a woman's games, and not vice-versa. In my ideal universe, it becomes self-evident that there are two types of thinkers, those who think "naturally" like males, and those who get over thinking like females in order to learn to think more clearly. Why are we so quick to ascribe femininity with inability?

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WarWagon

I voted for "Suubbornly persist in trying to convince them to hit the gym with you*"

I would have voted for tell them straight up if it didn't have the "and you're no longer feeling sexually aroused by them" tacked onto the end of it.

Tuffy_McGee

You missed one.

Stay with her becuase you love her.

Rubyee

I think you are approaching a diffucult situation in a very good way.

Instead of cheating, you are staying out of those situations.

Instead of being sick of her for getting fat, you are sick of her for not doing anything about it.

You are being supportive, and reasonable.

I am in a situation like this, only I am the one that gained the weight. And I am working on it, slowly but surely. It is hard, remember, not only to admit that you are getting out of shape, but to really start doing something about it. And I don't expect my boyfriend to put up with it. He does, but I don't expect it of him. (I am greatful that he does).

You are doing nothing wrong. And if nothing changes, then I would not blame you for leaving if you honestly felt that there could be no sexual attraction.

But, I also agree with the other posters when they say that instead of giving her only moral support, give her other support, too. Join a gym with her. Make her feel comfortable in a new situation like that. Eat healthy with her so it isn't so hard for her. Crack the whip- that is what I need some days- and I know, as will she, that in the long run, it is out of love and for the best.

I wish her the best in losing the weight- lord knows it is hard!- and I wish you the best too!

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iamnormal

Dump her and don't get into any more relationships.
Then move to a place where prostitution is legal for you sexual needs.
From what you said it looks like you only want the physical part of a relationship but not the emotional part.

Until they make a Cherry2000 it looks like your fucked.

final_identity

Hmm ... "make her into what you want" seems a bit creepy, don't it? I guess on one level the female responds positively to the male who directs her, and allows her to be the most beautiful and desirable version of herself that ever could be. But on another level the female really ought to be appreciated for who she is, not who you imagine her to be capable of being, especially not when that imagination is mostly about something as non-character-oriented as skinnyness.

Of course, the LAZYNESS and the skinnyness maybe go hand in hand. And I'll bet you're more annoyed at the fact that she sits on her butt and whines, than at the fact that there's a roll around her tummy.

I think you should move to Europe, or a warmer climate where people (including her) have to wear more revealing clothing more often. The middle of the United States has too much middle in its middle.

I think this whole story just goes to show, long-term commitment seldom works, and usually the thing that drives us apart is something rather simple -- something that many of us would be so politically correct as to demand "should" have no bearing on the relationship at all. PC be damned. Go fuck a skinny chick and rub her nose in the fact ...

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Harloquin

dump her fat lazy ass pronto and go get yourself a woman that takes care of herself and isn't so damn insecure.

StephenSa

If you read the thread Averett posted you'll see I'm in a situation quite like yours. You can't make her lose the weight. Until she decides she absolutely doesn't want to feel heavy and unattractive anymore then she will always find an excuse to not do anything about it. Support her, get yourself in good shape and maybe your good habits will rub off on her. Go the gym, run, walk, stay active and maybe your momentum will give her the initiative to start. If that doesn't work then at least you'll have a killer bod when you're single and on the market again!

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ariekitten

i agree with stephen, you cant make someone lose the weight. but you can encourage her.
i think its good that she realizes she has a problem, but like everyone else said, she has to want to do something about it. obviously she's complaining but not taking action, even though you have told her some reasonable courses of action she could take. i imagine you love her for who she is and like her however she looks, but you're pretty much just tired of her whining when nothing is getting done about the "problem" she is having. i guess i'm not too much of a help, but i know i've gained about 10 lbs in the last few months, and i'm eating slimfast bars and less junk, drinking more water, walking when i can, taking stairs instead of elevators, and i recently started going to the gym and i bought a bun and thigh roller.
if you can somehow get your SO to start small and work her way up. like suggest she take stairs instead of elevators. or ride her bike or walk when its a close distance. you know?

hey i hope that all works out for you. and though it is sad to see things end after 2 and a half years, if she isnt into the relationship like you are (i.e. caring enough about herself and the relationship to take care of her problems) then maybe it is best to take a break until she has some time to get things straight.
for women, excessive eating can be caused by other, deeper problems, so you never know....maybe something else is wrong. but anyhow, good luck.

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StickODynomite

I agree It's ALL about communication.

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