Y2KDREAD

....or do they?

I am an 18 year old guy who has only had the balls to ask two girls out, and because of this lack of taking chance i have never had a girlfriend. Why is it that all the pressure is put on guys? I'm a really shy guy and would be thrilled to have a girl ask me out. I mean I get confused all the time with signals that I get, don't get from girls and just don't want to chance it unless I think that girl it is worth getting rejected by the girl. I'm not saying that she would be the guy in the relationship or anything but just initiate the first 'confrontation' and we could develop from that point.

Anyone?

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Signatures are for chumps.

skier

It's because we live in a society where the girls are the prize, due to the fact that they hold a lot of sexual power in relationships. This is mostly because of males willing to "fight" one another (compete) for a woman. So most girls get to pick and choose the "right" man, and don't have to seek him out. If you want to get a girl, you're going to have to go up to girls, and talk to them, throw a few interesting stories their way. Show them that you are the confident, exciting, interesting guy they want to see. If you talk to 3 new girls a day, you will soon realize your shyness will quickly dissapear. REJECTION IS NOT A BAD THING. It is a chance to learn what you did wrong. Also, every girl you do not ask IS a rejection of a sorts, you have absolutley nothing to lose by asking them out.

If you happen along an agressive girl that asks you out, chances are you're going to be miserable. She'll have all the power in the relationship, and you'll just be her toy to drag around. Or you could get really crazy lucky and meet an assertive, confident woman that sees your inner strength and will sweep you off your feet, and take you to a fancy restaurant, then screw you on the first night, leading into a long and loving relationship. Or not.

Just stop worrying about what other people think about you, they are probably too busy thinking about what you think about them. I was a really shy guy some time ago, and I came to this realization. There is absolutley nothing to lose, and so much to gain.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Zyeox

That is great advice skier where was this posts when i was 16!!!

qtpye4u84

I guess we girls are use to the guy just asking us because some of us don't know for sure if he likes us or not so we wait for him.
You could say stuck in the past lol.

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The QTpie

madsenj37

These were my thoughts before reading the above statement by skier, which is bang on. I thought I would express them in my own words.

Women hold a power over men. They can reject or except at will the offers of men. If they ask a man out, they are giving up said power. Men then hold the power, they are the ones who now accept or reject. If a woman asked a man out, things would get blurry. She asked, does she pay? The first time? All the time? You get the picture. Have you seen 40 days and 40 nights (Dont laugh, its for a good point)? The man tries to put the power of sex (typically a woman's job) in his favor. My point is, women like to have something to hold over you, power. If they ask you out, they give up the universal power every other woman has.

Most girls do not ask guys out, however they will go to lengths to get you to ask them out. They will hug you, play with their hair, give you contact information, etc., but its up to you to make an actual move that sets up a date.

Like we men know all the time when girls like us. Its not easy but its expected.

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"Only two things are certain: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not certain about the universe."
-- Albert Einstein

ninety09

I've dated two girls, and in both cases they're the ones who asked me out first. In both cases, it never caused any problems about power or anything like that.

Untitled

I'm a girl and I initiated the relationship I'm in right now. It hasnt caused any problems with power or anything.

I think an issue is that girls are expected to wait for the guy to make the first move, or else be branded a 'slut'. It's an archaic way of thinking, but unfortunately it still stands in society today....

Yakk

Y2KDREAD, Imagine if society didn't expect you to ask women out, and they where expected to ask you out.

Would you have even asked those two women out?

Probably not. Women tend not to ask men out because they don't have to.

The world isn't a fair place. The world just is: how you deal with it is up to you. You can either resent the lack of fairness and be bitter, or you can choose not to resent it, and deal with it.

I'd go for the bitter, resentful, old bachelor path. More fullfilling, because in the end you get proven right!

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

skier

Just a question. ninety09, when you were asked out by these girls, was it when you met them, or were you two already in a relationship, and she asked then?
I guess I have pretty much the same question for you Untitled. Didn't you qualify this guy you asked out first? There has to be a reason you wanted to date him instead of the guys coming to you.
To the comment about power in the relationship though. The "Power" i'm talking about is more about control, and it's difficult to have a problem with it because it always just automatically goes to the more dominate personality. If you are the type that will agree to things because it's what the other person wants to do, even though you don't yourself enjoy those things, chances are you are giving control, or power, to your partner.
To me, the person with power in a relationship is not very important if you are happy. The reason people start dating is to gain love and happiness. But I've found that when I let the girl set the terms of our relationship, I end up the one that gets the short end of the stick. This has all happened to me in my early relationships: Meet cool girl, invite to movie/dinner. Afraid of losing her, I'd validate myself in front of her, sometimes even bragging about myself. She now has power in the relationship. All subsequent meets, she can dictate the pace which the relationship escalates, leave at any time, make me buy her most things within reason. This made me miserable.

I came to the important realization I mentioned above in my last post- stop thinking about what people may think about me. Our population is split 50/50 between males and females. There are tons of girls out there, not in a relationship, looking for guys themselves, that don't do this whole "ask a guy out" thing, just because they are afraid that if they are seen sexually aggressive they will be judged and devalued. Women are NOT the prize. They enjoy being with another person and sex just as much as everyone else.

I found out quickly that when I stopped putting the girl on a pedestal, I could see how she was was only interested in what I could do for her, not that she was interested in me. *messy breakup followed* What really helped me was when I came across some sites on relationships and meeting women. I foundthis site which is an amazing resource for changing the way I saw girls in general.
I recommend you go check it out, it certainly helped me.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

kel

You can take skier's approach, or you can take mine. Very few woman deserve me, and only one has done anything to earn my respect and affection. I had to stay single for 19 years and almost never got laid, but it paid off in the end.

Shizz... I ain't gonna kiss some random girl's ass just so I can get into a relationship where I have to kiss her ass some more. It's silly.

Building romance on top of a strong mutualy beneficial relationship like friendship is the way to go. The only thing that changed was the sex and the cuddling which is all good.

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"It better be funny"

Redgirl

If I were still single I would ask guys out, no problem. I haven't ever liked the feeling of a guy being aggressive. I've always wanted to be the one chasing him. Surely there are others out there like me.

But you have to put yourself in a situation where the girl can talk to you a little first. I wouldn't just randomly see a guy and walk up to ask him out. I'd have to have some kind of conversation with him first to see if he's annoying or not.

Aren't you in school or something? That should be a great place to strike up a conversation with someone. Conversations don't always have to lead to asking someone out. Can you just talk to girls with no pressure of trying to date them on your mind? Just friendly chatting...

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Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

kulrblind

Sadly, just because two guys will fight for you, it doesn't mean that the "winner" is any kind of prize.

raeanna74

I've asked a guy out. More than once. I got flack from other guys at college for it. I turned one guy down once too. Did it politely but didn't make excuses. They got on me for that one too. It's the society we live in where the male is seen as being more dominant. Also the college I attended was a religious one. The guys felt that they were the ones picking the women and didn't like it when a women showed a more independant streak.

It's society and also the past Christian religion that tends to see women as still the "weaker" sex and thus the less bold.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Seaver

Ok, you guys need to open your eyes.

A girl asking you out is just an extention of what every single girl does. When you approach a girl she already has you tagged. From the first approach she tags you as interested or not. They all give hundreds of extreamly subtle hints that if you dont know to look for you're just walking blind into traffic.

Girls DO ask guys out, but nonverbally. If you're standing at a party and she's talking to a friend and you get eye-contact, dont look away. If she looks back with the tilted head, or somehow plays with her hair she's begging you to approach her. If she smiles she's yelling at you to talk to her.

When you're talking does she cross her arms? if so take your leave early, she's not interested... but dont give up, I promise you other girls (the ones who are interested) will have seen you talking to other girls, which is a good thing because it makes you more attractive.

If her shoulders are parallel to you or she is touching her arm (or yours even better) she's very interested. These are non-verbal friendly gestures, she wont even be aware of them. If she does the tilted-head smile, she's thinking about something but in a good way. Psychologically you can determine what part of the brain the person is using by facial and head gestures, a tilted head tends to be thinking of some future event... she's already trying to figure out where you'd take her.

There are hundreds of subtle clues that I wont get into, simply because how long it takes to explain them, but these are the big ones, and the most important.

This whole thing about power struggle is, I'm sorry but IMO a load of crap. EVERY woman is turned on by a man who takes charge. If she approaches you, you pick a place to go. Have a backup plan. You pick the next 4-6 dates at absolute least. You dont see women being swept off their feet by men who ask "... I dont know what do you want to do?".

Y2KDREAD

Yeah, I am in school but half of the problem seems to be that I am really shy I keep to myself most of the time. I would like to overcome this but I just don't.

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Signatures are for chumps.

rsl12

here's what i think:

guys are generally hard-wired to take risks. males of nearly all species are like this. the male who takes risks and succeeds wildly can have a harem of females, whereas the male who takes no risks and only partially succeeds in life gets nada in most species, and is therefore as useful in a generational sense as someone who took big risks and lost his life. so from an evolutionary standpoint, it makes sense that oil tycoons get all the girls while franchise managers don't.

on the other hand, females are designed to be choosy. because they only have one womb that can be used during gestation, each choice of who gets to use the womb is important. from an evolutionary point of view, it's in her best interest to wait for the very best possible mate's sperm.

of course, this ignores the whole concept of monogamy and the role a father plays as being a parent to the kid. but even so, i think these factors play a role in making the men do the showboating and the women do the shopping.

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oh baby oh baby, i like gravy.

zxello

I use to be very very shy about talking to girls even if i wasnt really 'interested' in them. I got over that because of something my brother told me.

That quote changed my life forever. Don't be afraid of any girl, in the end no matter what happens just remind yourself... ITS JUST A GIRL.

And the second part - have common sense, you may not be afraid anymore but the girl may be afraid of you if you just walk right up and be like "Yo Baby, I wanna stick it in yer butt" That takes MANY drinks to pull off.

have fun, just remember, dont be afraid, rejection ain't gonna hurt!

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Old signature just wasn't doing it for me anymore, so now I have this new one. It's equally as stupid but at least it looks really long. I'm probably just going to keep typing until I run out of things to babble about and see how many people actually read this. I once ran down a hill, fell down and hurt my elbow; my mom said I would be ok, she kissed it and made it all better. I've run out of things to say now, so if you have read this whole thing, congratulations you get a gold star!

nanofever

Everytime I see that site I sing "I wish I knew what I know now, when I was younger." I use to put women on pedistals and was totally non-sexual around them. Now I'm the opposite and life is so much more fun, regardless of weither I'm in a relationship or not.

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I'm leaving for the University of California: Santa Barbara in 5 hours, give me your best college advice - things I need, good ideas, bad ideas, nooky, ect.

Originally Posted by Norseman on another forum:
"Yeah, the problem with the world is the stupid people are all cocksure of themselves and the intellectuals are full of doubt."

skier

these "hints" are usually not given off consciously. They are merely responses to your actions. If your actions are of a confident, exciting guy (think Brad Pitt in fight club) she'll throw you some eye contact. When you come up to her, and start talking, she will either realize that you're funny, interesting, and exciting and so open right up to you, or think you are too good to be true, and start giving you little tests to gauge your response to see if you really are different from other guys.

all this bodylanguage stuff is just an indicator of how well you're hitting it off. Don't be turned off if she crosses her arms, or turns away from you, or doesn't have her palms up when using arm gestures. Collectively they send a message, but some of them are just movements, and if she is laughing and having fun don't worry about her body language, unless everything shows she wants to get away.
And if she is into you, start holding her hand(s), her side, and escalate it. Our sense of touch is one of the most powerful connecting senses we have. For example, you can talk to a person, and as they talk you can feel drawn to this person, because as they talk, the more comfortable you feel with this person. And as you are talking, if they reach out and touch your hand, it can send shivers down your spine, like little pinpricks on your skin. Find an excuse to touch, she'll love it.

The thing is, it's not a struggle. In the first stages of the relationship, you'll either fall into one role or the other. I don't see anywhere that I said that being submissive would be a good thing to do. I want to say this to all the girls that read this too. Do NOT be submissive to your partner. A healthy relationship is one where both sides hold equal say in what goes on.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

ruggerp11

I just wish that I had a pair of breasts. Then I could say "I DON'T NEED YOURS I HAVE MY OWN" and then me and the women would be on an equal playing field.

I understand the whole body language thing, but because of the social norm that says men approach women (think sadie hawkins dance as being the exception) women hold all the cards. They can get away with really subtle body language while we put our pride on the line.


This being said, I believe that it really comes down to confidence. I don't have this confidence but am working on it. It is universal even beyond man/woman interaction. If you look like you should be doing it people will believe you should be doing it (applies to things like getting into places your not supposed to be, stealing, etc.).

Take this and morph it into you being confident enough where women will believe that you are as worth it as the vibe you are putting off. Be confident in yourself and women will be confident in you as well.

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Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
--Me
BUT!
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

Tuffy_McGee

I wish I got asked out more.

rainheart

You know what this reminds me of? Telemarketing.

How? Simple. When I first worked as a telemarketer I was uncomfortable and nervous as shit about being over the phone with another person and trying to read to them a canned speech in order to try and sell them something. I was frightened becaused I thought too much about it for it to be natural, my palms were sweaty and I was nervous, my voice would get jittery sometimes- but I knew that this was the job where I had to make money or else, and I stopped thinking and started doing.

After a meager 20 phone calls I felt like a natural. I learned from my mistakes and refined what I could and whatnot, and instead of sweaty palms and being nervous or jittery, I was so relaxed about it I didn't realize how confident I began to sound. In a way it was like gambling but losing only taught you more.

A few calls later I got a sale.

So the solution seems pretty simple if you ask me- keep practicing and be persistant and think a bit about what you might be doing wrong, but test it all in real situations and soon you'll have the answer.

minyn

I have. glad i have too. but if anything, we can be just as unsure as you are.

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"Woke up this morning with a blue moon in my eye"
~A3 "woke up this morning"

"Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got." -Janis Joplin

Wolph

You just have to talk to girls. Be nice, treat them with respect. And I mean all girls. The ones you don't want to date, the ones you would love to date, all of them.
This will do a few things for you. One you will learn that its easy to aproach them and talk to them. The other you will make friends with these girls. The more girls you know the better your chances of dating one of them or their sister, friend, cousin, whatever.
But the number one best piece of advice I could give anyone about dating is be honest. Allways tell the women the truth about everything. This sounds obvious but guys are allways lieing to women. When a girl says "does this make my butt look fat?" Don't lie, don't be mean but don't lie either. Thats just an easy example though. I realy am talking about relationships. Before I met my wife I was dating three girls at once. It worked because I never lied about it. They all knew about each other and it was fine because the 4 of us where not looking for a serious relationship and no feelings where hurt. I met a girl while dating them told her I was dating some other people also. She didn't like it because she wanted a serious relationship. Guess what happened I wanted a relationship with her also. So I stopped sleeping with the other girls(we are still friends) and I ended up married to her. We just had our four year on 4/22.
My long winded point is if you are honest up front you will find someone that shares the same interest as you and it will work out for you in the long term.

Jam

http://www.fastseduction.com/

wow... awesome site...

oh and i quit my last joib which had like 2 women who were like both over 40 and the rest guys .. me being 19 really sucked since i spent about 230 hours there a month... but this new place... restaurant... bar... hotties... im lovin it, gotta try some stuff from that site

Fenton-J-Cool

Just go for the gusto. The absolute worst thing that could happen is they say they are not interested, and you just leave it at that. Maybe ask them out a few months later. She's not going to kill you for asking.

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wra

Cosmo Girl

i asked out my first boyfriend. We were good friends at the time, he told me that he was planning on asking me out on the same day which is why he invited me over. We always joked around about me beating him to it. First kiss on the same day it worked out nicely for us. Second and present boyfriend was also a best guy friend, one day he let me know that he liked me, i took awhile to get back to him, worried about friendship and what not, i said yes awhile later and we're still going strong. it's great when your best friend becomes your boyfriend.

elian gonsalez

I was asked to prom by a girl

I just let everyone know that I wasnt planning on going to prom, but if anyone wished to go with me, they should let me know and i would go with them...

and voila!

Y2KDREAD

To bad this same strategy would not work with getting a girl to go out with you. As much as everyone says to just go out their and ask girls out is really hard for a shy guy. I want to ask girls out but just don't know how. You can't really ask out a total stranger, and I am not really that social so I don't have many casual friends as girls. So, who knows?

So why not just offer my self on this, any girls in the DFW/College Station interested in going out with me? Please send a resume and picture. Thanks!

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Signatures are for chumps.

HockeyGuy

My gf asked me out while i was working (and granted she may have had a fwe drinks in her.. BUT...). I had only met her in the pub that night, and things went from there! I don't think that it does show a change in power only to me that the girl has confindence (and hopefully not cockyness(no pun intended)) and I think that perhaps this is what can actually scare guys off! Made me feel great about myself too!

Captain Canada

Well, it's kinda just tradition for the guy to ask the girl out. I mean, every once and awhile a girl will ask a guy out. But not TOO often does that happen.

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Conclusion: Flamethrowers and Furries go togerther like Pol Pot and the Cambodian populace.

killklaus

They do ask guys out, meybe your just ugly :-D

j/k

Just ask a girl out, if she says no, big deal... Call it the law of averagaes. Ask 100 girls out, and 1 is bound to say yes. That annoying guy at the mall that hits on all the girl has a better chance of meeting a girl than some guy who sits around wondering why girls don't ask him out.

Just remember... Who cares if the girl says no, its just a stranger saying no.

WarWagon

My take on things: girls are jerks.

Well, most of them are. (Sorry babe)

frozenstellar

this is what i did to overcome being shy in meeting new people at the start of the year.

of all the people you're around, find the most beautiful girl in the room, a group of girls are even better. approach, introduce yourself, and just talk crap. they'll give off a vibe 'what the fuck are you doing?', wish them a good day, and be off.

now that you've approached, introduced yourself and been rejected by the most beautiful girl, anything you do now is easier, as you're going to be more nervous going upto the most attractive one then the least attractive one, correct? the more you do it, the easier it becomes in getting over being shy.

dont worry - they'll never give you a second thought, but you'll meet some people that will - in a positive way. personally i find nothing more complimenting than a stranger introducing themselves.

ConsoleMaster

I believe the philosophy of asking people out is according to one of my thought up reasons:

1. You are horny.
2. You are lonely.
3. You want a family.
4. You want to have sex with the opposite sex.
5. You want to become rich.

There are other reasons, but, I'm just stating some of the possibilities. No argument is necessary at all because this is some reasons out of a list of reasons. Hehehe. =)

froseph

I'm fairly shy when it comes to asking girls out, but after the first few, it's all right. Most of the problem is just getting the nerve up and I think it's the same way with girls asking guys out, but they have more pressure not to make a move because it's not as common. I have had girls ask me out before and it never has really mattered to me. I respect girls with the balls to do that and I'd never give them flack for trying.

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sometimes it just takes a cat

Rubyee

Because girls don't like to have to sweat.

Really, though, if we know we don't have to, why should we?

I have never asked anyone out. However, I have initiated other tihngs...

You take your wins where you can, and your losses when you have to.

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You don't know from fun.

llama8

"Who Dares Wins"

BooRadley

Women can't stand the concept of rejection.

Period.

They never, ever will be able to deal with rejection like hardened males can.

When the males are coming to them , they never have to get rejected. One rejection can scar a female for life.

Rubyee

Oh please.

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You don't know from fun.