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her to me after we had come, and I was getting ready to dismount:
"you have to sleep in the wet spot this time" |
Said while recieving oral just a few months ago..
"I need hair gel" .. I've always told her my mind is always thinking aobut 4 or 5 things at once, even during sex.. she neve belived me.. SHe was a bit upset, I believe is teh correct way to put it.. Luckiliy for me laster that night we were watching Will and Grace (Yuck - her choice no tmine)) and Will is really interested in this guy and as he walks away from they guy he thinks to himself "I need Fabric Softner" We both fell out of bed laughing and I was totally forgiven. Anyway It sucks never being able to focus on one thing exclusively expically sex. |
my fav
Heard = "Wrong hole" Said = "Oops sorry" knowing fall well it was no accident. When I get drunk and horney (normally before I pass out) I say " I'm going to come in all your holes" Which all the girls I have said it to have been rather excited and agreeable to. Another top one from a new girlfriend. "I forgot to take my pill so we can't have sex" .........gets better....... " I supose you could just fuck me up the arse" She said it so innocently and as a passing comment with a tiny smile as she walked off!!! After the act (her first time that way) she goes "You lying bastard you said it didn't hurt" (muwuhaaha) but then said "I supose we will just have to practice so i get used to it" ROCK ON!!! ANother classic was in the morning my SO goes "Oh yeah did you fuck my in my sleep last night?" I said "OMG I so thought you were awake, you moved to acomadate me and made all the right noises!!!" SHe said she actualy liked it as she was aware of it in her dream and actually incoporated it into the dream!! |
she whispered, so lightly I could barely hear...and I had to stop and ask her
"Did you say...YOU'RE so hard, or NOT so hard?" |
Heard: "Uhhhhhh..." number 7!
Best night of my life. Good for her too, I suppose :) Said: (as I came) "Oh dear" I still haven't lived that one down... |
Friend told me this one once:
He and a group of his friends are all hooking up after a cast party in a friend's camper.... One if his friends is known for having a large manhood... well, after they're all into their separate things, they hear from the rear of the camper (the door is closed) "JESUS _____, it IS big!" laughter ensued. Also, one of the other friends was recieving oral from a lovely lady... just before he blew in her mouth he states, in his best Sean Connery impression, "The day is mine!" laughter ensued. My favorite: "One time during sex I called Louis Frank. Your move, Sherlock" |
"dont stop"
"to the left....no right....no my right" |
Shut the *%#$ up! Fighting back only makes me more angry!
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"You two, get dressed and get out of the car. License and registration please."
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Said: I think my bed is going to break.
Heard: We're gonna fuck it to splinters. Said: Careful! You're rearranging my internal organs. |
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Heard: "Deeper baby, oh yes, deeper deeper!"
Said: "I can't" :( Heard: "Just dont get it in my eye, hon....AAAGHHH!" Said: "Whoops" :( Heard: "What's that sound?" Said: "Oh, sorry. You could hear that?" Heard: "What? No, was that the door?" Said: "Uhm, no?" (It turns out to be her parents.) :( Heard: "Ohhh, yes...that feels so good." Said: "Mmmm...wow." Heard: "Wait, is the condom on?" Said: "Condom?" :( Said: "This feels amazing, mmm" Heard: "Hun, you arnt in yet." :( Heard: "Excuse me, we're going to have to ask you two to leave the park. We dont allow sexual activity in the wave pool." :( Heard: "Hi, we're home!....WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?" :( (After blowjob, I came on her, but some of it overshot and got on the floor. We went to the bathroom to clean up, and upon returning...) Heard: "Ok, got the towel. So....wait....what is the cat doing licking the floor?...Oh my god." Said: "BAD KITTY!" :( I've had a very tragic sex life. |
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she says: Heard fart sound. " don't worry thats my cunt!" I have said: " no Fuck you!" |
"If only your mother could see us now"
Sorta killed the mood that one. Don't know why........... |
hehe, I was once doing it doggy style, when the dog I was dog-watching came up and started licking her boobs. We both fell over laughing, it was too funny to continue.
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For fans of the tv show "Just Shoot Me"...
The other night I was absolutely exhausted after working in the backyard for 11 hours straight and my wife decided that she wanted some. She was on top of me and starting to get into it, when my brain malfunctioned an I recited the line "chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie" mood killer extreme |
Heard: "Tell me what you want"
Said: (My mind racing as I think what the right answer here is) "I want to make love to you" Heard: "Tell me you want to fuck me" Said: "You want my dick now, huh?" |
Her: Where does your mom work?
Me: You've gotta be kidding me... |
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heard: You know the kids need lunch money. Damn it! I forgot to set out their clothes for school. I'll be right back.
Said: Snore. |
Said to my ex while we were having a 69 on the couch:
are you sure your mother won’t see us like this? Heard: I am tired…. you didn’t come? Oh I am sorry….. next time, next time… Heard: Charles, are you going to work today….. (after my aunt opened the door and saw me on top of her…) Heard a huge, huge laughing and head shaking after my mother saw my penis hanging out of my jeans while I ran downstairs upon her calling my name during my session upstairs. Heard from ex: aawww…. I think my ass is bleeding…. Did you know you were fucking my ass for the past 2 minutes? Said to drug store female pharmacist while buying a condom with sperm kill solution: so this thing is not gonna kill you right? Are you sure? Ok………… so it is ok to swallow it? Ok….. with it on or after sex? Ok……. Said: ssssshhhhhhhhhhh…………. Be quiet, don’t wake up Duncan…. |
Honestly, I once had to say to a girl, "That's not why they call it a blow job."
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my ex claimed i was too quiet, and she wanted me to make some noise, i was so used to having to be quiet, i've never made noise before, so i let out this huge tarzan yell as i climaxed, and fell off of her laughing my ass off....
heard: the theme song for the golden girls playing in the background |
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Said shortly after, in a very confused tone:
"Rob..?" "Yes?" "W..w..wheres my pants?" |
recently...
said... OMG your tight heard... Maybe I'm not tight, but your fucking huge said... well, maybe a little of both? said... I'm going to cum in your mouth, i want you to taste me heard (and sent me over the edge)... I want you to fuck me hard till your just about to cum and then pull out and cum in my mouth (I obliged) ... I tasted quite a bit of latex there heard... I want you to make me cum like I've never came before said (some time later)... Did I do like you asked (nods) heard... God, fuck me any way you want said... any way I want? heard... I told you, I'd think about that said... I know, I just had to say it (big grin) said... I just wanted to make you cum heard... you did honey when coming fully awake to her riding me heard... well..you woke me up (that I did, a few more times) said... Jesus, these are nice. How big are they? heard... what? said... I love your breasts, how big are they? heard... uuuuhhhh, 34b/c (so don't remember) said... well the're wonderfull heard... thanks Heard (after joking about it) I AM FILLED WITH CHRISTS LOVE said (also after joking about it) Whose my pretty princess? |
Scene - necking.
Me: Oh shit! Um, I mean I just found some gum in your hair...wonder how it got there. *nervous laugh* Scene - me going down Me: Um...honey, don't know how to tell you this but...there is gum in your pubic hair. Scene - me going down Me: Oh-oh. Her: *sight* not again... Me: Oh phew I got it...no, wait, get the scissors. |
said.
"ummm would you please be able to stop now, i think my penis is bleeding." Recovery took 3 weeks. Worst hand job ever. |
Owww...
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Heard...What do you want to do thats fun?
Said...What? This isnt? |
Me: I can't do it again, you fucked me raw.
Her: There is Solarcaid in the medicine cabnet. Me: *long pause* Oh..ok...be right back Me: Can I cum on your face? Her: *evil glare* Me: Ok never mind Her: I can't do it, your dog is starring at me.....panting! Me: Ya, he just waiting for his turn Her: *makes pukey face* rolls over Me: What? Me: How old are you? Her: Does it matter? Me: *YIKES*------oh well Me: Your cat is attacking my foot! Her: I don't have a cat. Me: What the???? and of course, Her: THATS THE WRONG HOLE! Me: oops All true......really! |
Dawson, the second and third had me splittin sides, i love it :)
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haha,
me: "ooh baby you're so tight" Her: "Wrong hole fool" props to who can tell me what movie that comes from true ones i just heard: Me: *heavy breathing* her: "Get off the phone you pervert" ok, seriously, true ones: Me: "Did we just...wow...was that supposed to happen" her: "I can't feel my legs" another: her: "CRAMP!!!!! DON"T MOVE MY LEG THAT WAY YOU FUCKING MORON" Me: "Oops" her: "i can't believe i'm doing this" me: "just wear it please :) her: "You wanna do what!??!?! me: "Gotcha" (she doesn't like anal) her: 'you're too great to me" me: "I know, i wish you'd share that info with the world bc i'm lonely' her: "nope, you're my little secret" me: "i'm gonna..." her: "OH HELL NO YOU AREN'T!!! 5 MORE MINUTES...DON"T YOU DARE STOP NOW" her: "Do you know what today is" me: *starts sweating profusely* "umm..the old irish holiday of dervisnishka...that's the day where you celebrate the love you have for another by making her the happiest person alive" her: "but isn't that everyday" me: "yeah, it's a funny holiday like that...sometimes even happens two or three times a day" |
Thanks FA...glad I can make you giggle.
But I forgot the worst one: Me: mmmmmmm*munching down below* Her: Oohhhhhh I'm gonna cuuummmmm Me: ow ow ow your squeezing my head! finsihed....and scoot up to her...... Her: You have something red on your fa** My eyes grow huge Me: running to the bathroom..........*gag* *gag* AHHHHRRGGG! I forgot about this one. Go figure I tried to block it out. YUK! |
oh oh oh.....
yeah, going down on a girl and realizing the bloodflow is in full stream about 10 minutes into it...scary, but can be fun, depends on the moon.. :) |
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YUK:eek: (theres no pukey face Icon) |
yeah, redwings are well earned here...first time hardway, second time, hornyway...
eh, it happens, whatever. I've also had a gf lose bladder control when she was on top bc she just came a bit too intensely. It happens, she was embarassed when she came to, but you know, who really gives a fuck, it's sterile, i don't care and i have a waterbed, so my mattress doesn't smell and i can wash the sheets. funstuff... |
I had a girl told me "you lnow your cum tastes good"
and another tell me "you have a rad cock" Those were the 2 best sex comments I ever had |
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