hossified

...so I've known the gf for a few years now.....and back in univeristy she was pretty wild and in good shape.....but now with normal eeating patterns and no more binge drinking....she's put on a few pounds and has lost alot of her sex drive (from what I can tell) 2 parts:

-how can I tell her I'm unhappy with her weight gain, she has a gym membership and I'm always telling her to make more use of it, but nothing ever happens

-how can I get her libido going again...I think a big part (or at least she tells me)....is that she is unhappy with her body, and doesn't want to get naked in front of me?? (....well I say if she is that unhappy than really make the effort to lose weight...otherwise I'm insulted that she won't have sex yet won't go to the gym either!)

help please!

Averett

Go to the gym with her. Maybe she just needs some motivation.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

hossified

yeah I thought that too...but she goes to an all girl gym...and I don't!! (too bad!)

bermuDa

i was thinking exactly what averett just said. I'm the kind of person that has a real hard time going to the gym alone, maybe your gf is the same way.

try improving her self confidence by reassuring her that she's still sexy, and going to the gym with you will help her agree with you

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hossified

she doesn't necessarily have to go to the gym...but stick with her diet or whatever...it's frustrating when she'll do it for 2 weeks....and than drop it all together. Cause for me that means another 2 moths without getting any......I know its a bad response.....but it's true. I just don't know if I should come right out and say it or waht??

Redlemon

This will sound like an odd suggestion, but hear me out: go with her to a nude beach. It did wonders for my wife, who is above-average weight.

You see, at a nude beach, you see what the wide spectrum of human bodies look like. Without this, your GF has two images of naked female bodies: hers, and Playboy. She knows that she will never be able to achieve a Playboy body, and might just give up in frustration.

A regular beach doesn't count; bathing suits conceal and enhance.

My wife sees nude beaches as an emotional recharge; now, when she exercises, it is for health and strength and body shape, and she is doing it for herself.

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skysooner

For women, sexual feeling comes out of emotion. Yes, she may feel self-conscious about her body, but the main problem is that she feels you are repulsed by her. Complimenting her appearance can work wonders, but it has to be sincere. If you want her to lose weight, go on the diet with her. Just because you may not need to lose weight yourself doesn't mean that you can't eat the food. Also, for a "diet" to be really effective, it has to be something that you can maintain once you get off the diet. You can eat a few more calories for maintaining weight rather than being in weight-loss mode. There are many good diets out there, but the best is to just eat slightly less and excercise slightly more.

Another suggestion is to buy some home equipment. It doesn't have to be expensive. My wife and I do abs together all the time, and we have a small set of weights for the times we can't get to the gym. I also have a recumbant bike that I use to do cardio on days I'm too lazy to drive to the gym. Nothing works to help someone lose weight than be having someone else working with them.

Mephex

If you're not happy, you can't expect her to change for you.

So why don't you move on ?

The worst part about that, is that when you do, she'll automatically go into a rebuild phase and become the woman she was, the one you fell in love with, or better.

It's a painful approach, but if you play your cards right, you could let her know you mean business, in a different way, and still end up together.

__________________
He who is void of virtuous attachments in private life is, or very soon will be, void of all regard for his country.
There is seldom an instance of a man guilty of betraying his country, who had not before lost the feeling of moral obligations in his private connections.
-Samuel Adams

hossified

....nude beach great idea...but I live in canada and can't afford to go anywhere nice

.....myself going on the diet too....great idea for support, except i already eat very healthy and go the to gym 6 days a week (maybe it's that I am very health conscious and if unhappy about someting on my own body I work on it very hard....and she doesn't...maybe that adds to the frustration??)

....home equip....good idea, but I think it'll just end up sitting there and used as a clothes hanger in her apartment

...breaking up with her...if that were to happen (we've been going out for over 4 years)....I think it would ruin the whole relationship...and there would be no chance of reconciliation (too risky of a move for me)

I just don't get that if she is so unhappy, why she doesn't do something about it??? That's the real stumper for me I guess

Mephex

Listen. I just left a relationship like this. I'm not sure how you are handling it, but the pressure my ex was feeling due to my wanting sex when she didn't "feel sexy", drove her away.

It became more of a chore then fun for her, which in the end, enabled some other smooth talking bastard to sweep her off her feet.

So you've been dating for 4 years, if it's that important to you, then focus on other things. Plan extravagant weekends where sex isn't the focus, nor is it mentioned. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised. If she feels that it's her choice, her decision, and you're not pressuring her about it, things may do a full 180.

__________________
He who is void of virtuous attachments in private life is, or very soon will be, void of all regard for his country.
There is seldom an instance of a man guilty of betraying his country, who had not before lost the feeling of moral obligations in his private connections.
-Samuel Adams

hossified

that's just what I don't want to happen....and why I haven't been pressuring her at all!!! But for me to sit at home (I'm 26 ) or go out to bars and have girls giving me their numbers etc....makes my mind fill with all kinds of delightful thoughts of naughty things!! There is semi-truth in the notion of if you can't get it at home, you can go elsewhere. I wanna fix this situation before I turn into one of 'those' guys .... but don't know how?

raeanna74

Depression over our body images can sometimes depress us into immobility. Unhappiness is not nearly as great a motivator as hope is. Positive help and encouragement are your best weapons against her weight gain.

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My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Mephex

Is she fugly ?

Take her with, have a good time, let her notice that you are appealing to other women, and she needs to step it up in order to keep her man.

Get her out of the apartment, doing physical things, walking, running, hiking, tennis whatever.

Why doesn't she want you ?

__________________
He who is void of virtuous attachments in private life is, or very soon will be, void of all regard for his country.
There is seldom an instance of a man guilty of betraying his country, who had not before lost the feeling of moral obligations in his private connections.
-Samuel Adams

Redlemon

Wreck Beach, Vancouver is wonderful.

Also, Clothing Optional Beaches in Canada

hossified

is she 'fugly'..haha..not at all...and she's not really overweight either....just a few pounds (say 25 off would be nice)...

...I don't drink but do have a 'boys night out' - that's why the gf doesn't come- everyweekend and the 20 year girls are all over me and my buddies.....except they (my buddies) get to go home and 'work off' their sexual frustrations with their gf's whereas I don't....and I'm not syaing I go out to pick up, but they come to me and chat it up.

...I'm in Ontario....and I am betting about 99.9% that I could never drag her to a nude beach......and anyways a nude beach in Ontario would be pretty dicey...cause there are only like 2 real decent beaches here anyways! Thanks for the advice though redlmon!

sillygirl

Okay. Get her to go to YOUR gym with YOU. Don't leave her in the dust while you're there, do things with her. Make it a workout for the both of you.

I've dealt with the same problem you're dealing with now, except from the female end. Kinda dealing with it right now.

First of all, compliment her. Be sincere, and don't say anything you don't mean. Let her know you love her, and not just for sex.

When I started working out again, my sex drive went up. After my last breakup it kinda dropped for a while (there are gonna be people who don't believe that's possible ). So that might be another thing to consider. She'll have more energy and feel better about herself.

Mention it when you notice a difference. Don't let her think that exercise isn't producing results. Instead of going out for dinner, offer to cook, and cook something healthy.

There's lots of ways you can help her without even actually dragging her to the gym.

__________________

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

Mephex

Preeeeeecisely.

__________________
He who is void of virtuous attachments in private life is, or very soon will be, void of all regard for his country.
There is seldom an instance of a man guilty of betraying his country, who had not before lost the feeling of moral obligations in his private connections.
-Samuel Adams

skysooner

You are so close to being there. There has been excellent advice since my last post. Getting her to go to your gym is a great idea. Encouraging her to eat the right things by example is another good way. It sounds like you eat healthy, but if all the stuff in her apartment is unhealthy it makes it too easy to eat that way. Raeanna also had great advice about her probable mental state. She has to have hope that it will change. My wife was very similar in that she had always been skinny and ate whatever she liked. After we got married, she gained around 20 lbs and was in a size 10. On her own and without any help at all from me, she lost 25 lbs through Weight Watchers and has been in a size 6 since that time (2 years now). It took me about 18 months to see the light myself, and I eventually went on Weight Watchers. I have lost 84 lbs to date and am in the best shape of my life. However I had to decide on my own to do it. She just provided the encouragement that I could do it throughout the process and never made me feel bad about how I looked before.

hossified

great suggestions people I thank you. I offer support and compliments when I see changes.....but it makes it hard when I don't see anything different. She gets side tracked very easily...say after 2 weeks...so any change is prolly due to water loss at most. It's tough to keep support and encouraging when she keeps giving up.....?!

should I just come right out and tell her that I am unhappy with her weight...or will that just compound the problem?? I thought maybe a direct blow like that might 'knock some sense' into her (so to speak)....??

sillygirl

Then as a last straw tell her to stop bitching and DO something about it

__________________

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

Averett

Well, if you were my boyfriend, and you told me you were unhappy with my weight I'd most likely tell you to take a flying leap.

Are you in love with HER or her BODY?? I realize that physical attraction is a huge thing, but when it comes to most women and weight issues, it's just not an easy road to take.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

hossified

..see that response scares the crap outta me!! I wouldn't do it in a hurtful way...I'm a big believer in the honest approach but I know that woman are very sensitive with certain subjects. It doesn't make me a bad person to want her to be thinner does it? I mean it will improve her own self esteem etc... Yes I love her, but if she doesn't love herself...than how is she supposed to truly love someone else?

sillygirl

That's the thing. A lot of it depends on how you say it to her. If you tell her you're worried about how she feels about herself, and let her know that you love her, then she shouldn't get that upset. I mean, yeah. She'll probably cry, and be upset for a bit, but if you let her know that YOU love her no matter what, then she should realize that you ARE worried about her.

I agree with your comment that she needs to love herself before she can truly wholly love anyone else.

__________________

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

skysooner

Telling her that you are unhappy directly is the wrong way of doing it. Women don't think like this. You can still do it, but it has to be really subtle. Also, what is subtle to you will still be like launching rockets to her, but she will appreciate your "attempt" at being subtle.

Say she puts something on that you like her in, tell her she looks really nice in it. Hug her and tell her how great she is looking, etc. If she asks you how she looks in something and you don't like it, be honest but not brutally honest if you know what I mean. My wife is skinny, but there are certain clothes that don't look good on her. She asks if something looks good, and I'll say, it isn't totally flattering. This opens the discussion up about her figure, and if I had any complaints, we could talk about them that way. She is the one that brought up the topic. As Averett said, you are in the relationship for what she brings to the table in how she treats you, personality, etc. Looks are only part of the package, and her looks are going to change a bunch over the years. Make her happy mentally, and she will work her ass off to make you happy in the ways that you like.

jazz

I am curious as to how much weight she has gained as compared to what her weight used to be. Maybe she feels ok with her body, but received bad vibes from you about it which makes her not feel sexy in front of you. I can understand if she has gained say 20 pounds or more that you would want her to lose some weight. It is a possibility that when she diets for 2 weeks she doesn't see any improvement in her body and feels like it was all for nothing? It is healthy to lose only about a pound a week. Have you told her that you are proud of her for trying to improve her health when she went on these diets? Maybe that would be her stick to them longer.

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"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives." -Michael Dermott

Hirare

What is the real problem? The fact that she has gained a few pounds since you guys met or the fact that she doesn't feel as good about herself as she used to?

If you are constantly thinking that she is overweight, even if you don't say anything about it, it will weigh on the relationship. She can't help but feel bad about herself when the signals she gets from you are that she doesn't look the way you want her to.

Try to repair the relationship and help her lose weight at the same time. Spend more time with her and try to get her to join you in activities that will give her the exercise you think she needs. If you try to drag her to the gym or tell her she needs to go all the time then she probably can't help thinking she needs to loose some weight. Take her for a bike ride, skiing, hiking, or if those are too active for here just ask her to take a walk with you. If the exercise is more of a secondary effect of spending time with you she migth feel better about it.

Since you are already eating healthy, you could make meals that are big enough for the both of you. Everyone likes when someone else cooks for them.

hossified

the problem isn't about her weight....I mean yeah it would be nice if she lost 20 lbs....but it's more about the lack of physical contact due to her perceptions of her weight and being overweight. From her explanations and my perceptions....if she loses the weight she will be a 'fun girl' once again......and by fun I mean, free spirited, not concerned about her body...and sex more than once every 2 months. It's the weight that is causing these problems or so she says.....so that's why I am pushing the 'go to the gym' card......

sillygirl

Maybe the gym has classes that would interest her? There's one near me that offers bellydancing classes. I just need someone to go with. There are a ton of different classes out there to take. Sometimes it's easier to work out if you're doing something that you think is fun.

__________________

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

Hirare

If the problem isn't with your girlfriends weight then you might have wanted to word your initial post differently.

If you truely don't care about the weight then stop focusing on how to her to lose 20 pounds and start focusing on ways to make her feel better about herself. Make small romantic gestures and complement her when she least expects it.

hossified

well...true Hirare.....I would like to see her lose 20 lbs or so......but 75% becasue of how it will change her self esteem and 25% because I feel she should. Remeber, I am a higly focused person on health and fitness......therefore I have a problem with people who are overweight for no reason at all (such as simple over eating or poor diet and excercise habits)

Strange Famous

I think maybe if your attitude comes across to her that way, it will make her feel unsexy, and also depressed - and hence no sex and comfort eating?

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

sillygirl

Good point. Does she do this? If so, buy her some healthy snacks, put fruit out at her place, etc.

__________________

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

StephenSa

Whoo boy, honesty on the weight issue can be a dicey thing. I posted a similiar dilema here a short while ago and know your pain. Sounds like both our women are in similar shape, about 25 pounds of loss would make my girl amazing looking, of course I find her beautiful now and tell her so daily. After hearing her complain about her weight and not feeling sexy for some time and after trying the encouraging "I think you are beautiful" approach I finally fessed up and said, "Sweetie, sure I wouldn't mind if you lost a few pounds but I think you are beautiful just as you are and if you never changed thats would be fine with me." This translates to "You are a horrible fat pig and I am repulsed by by your body" in girl talk. I spent over a month in purgatory for that one and I'm still feeling the repercussions of it. The sex was already slowed because of her body perception issues and that has slowed it even more. (Only with the light off and only once in a while kind of thing) I don't really know what to tell you. I, like you, am highly focused on my fitness and work out five days a week. I also have a problem with someone constantly complaining about their weight and not DOING anything about it. Still, I love the girl and have no intentions of leaving her. I just try to lead by example. I talk about my workouts, buy only healthy foods, make a point of NOT having bad fast food even when she does and just generally try to make fitness something that is always a highly visible subject. I make sure to let her know I find her beauthiful and sexy. If she wears a short t-shirt to bed or something I make the appropriate complimentary comment to remind her "Yes girl, you are hot and I want you!" My hope is she will eventually get the will to climb on the boat with me and get in shape. Its a long road but so far its the only option I have found, I know it doesn't seem pro-active but if nothing else works its worth a shot. Good luck.

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Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

hossified

geez StephenSA....maybe we should start a support group!! haha You are in the exact same boat as me....and you being all supportive and 'sweet' doesn't seem to be helping you out either. The only worry I have is if I am too sweet.....that she will think I have no qualms about her weight and that she will stay exactly how she is. (if it boosts her esteem, than sure, but she already figures she could lose the weight.....so I don't think the ego bosst would occur) It's a tough spot eh man????

Yakk

See What do I say or do now? for an edited thread where a girl's self image gets turned upside down by a comment about her appearance being imperfect.

(the girl in question erased all of her posts in the thread).

So, yes, this sort of reaction happens, sadly. =(

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

Mel

Get rid of the gym idea, try jogging for 40 mins 4 times a week, I know it sounds like a lot but its really not when you are out there, and even better you can jog with her. I have a gym membership too and i've basically stopped going because its hard to get motivated in the gym and its too easy to stop. After a couple of months of jogging she'll be dropping the kilos.

__________________

StephenSa

I understand your concerns Hossified. I somtimes worry that telling my fiance' that she looks fine will backfire and she will go too far the other way and gain a lot more weight. I'm ok with her now but if she gained more her fears might come true and I really would lose my physical attraction to her. Sorry to all the hopeless romantics but yes, physical attraction is a big part of a relationship. Personally I would want someone to tell me if I got a bit pudgy. In fact at one time I did let myself go and people telling me I looked fine only allowed me to let it get worse before I got myself back in shape. With the significant other though honesty is a dangerous policy when it applies to appearance. My girl does the same thing with diets as well. She tries for a few weeks and if the pounds don't fly off she quits. Bottom line is she won't do it until she (much like an alcoholic) "hits bottom" and really feels she must get in shape. Until then maybe you could just try to add romance back into the equation. Do some of the things you did when you were first dating to get the original spark back. Try something new, a dance class or maybe some sort of martial art or something that interests her. Send her roses, write her a love letter, go on a trip. Maybe if you sweep her off her feet she'll sweep you into bed more often. Good luck.

__________________
Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

Averett

Honestly I don't think her weight is the issue. Has she told you straight out that her weight is the reason why she has changed as a person? You're never going to have that fun college girl back again. She grew up, and out of that.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

hossified

i disagree with the no more fun college girl aspect....yeah maybe she won't get wasted out of her mind 4 nights a week...but she's only 26 not 76!!! Quite contrary...I think she should be more fun now...cause now she has some extra cash!...and now we have been seeing each other for a long time...and are very comfrotable with each other (or so I thought). I know for myself, if she was losing atttraction to me, I'd want to know.....yeah it might hurt a little, but it would sure be a great motivator!! Why are women so sensitive to this.....even from someone they love?

Averett

Its different for men. As men get older it's socially acceptable for them to get grey, wrinkles, get a little pudgy. It's not for women. Why do you think there are so many products out there designed to cover our grey hairs and decrease wrinkles? And weight loss products are most always geared towards women.

Women have to look at actresses and models and think "I'm never going to be like that." We see lists of the most attractive women, and we just don't see ourselves respresented in it.

I'm not quite sure that i'm making a point here, but I do understand that its hard for a man to see a womans point of view. And vice versa of course.

Have you talked to your girlfriend about things? Maybe there are other things going on in her life that is causing the loss of sex drive. Maybe you need to mix things up. Does she have a job? Is she happy with it? Sounds like there may be other aspects of her life that may be causing her stress as well.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.