troubles with the gf....need advice
 

...so I've known the gf for a few years now.....and back in univeristy she was pretty wild and in good shape.....but now with normal eeating patterns and no more binge drinking....she's put on a few pounds and has lost alot of her sex drive (from what I can tell) 2 parts:

-how can I tell her I'm unhappy with her weight gain, she has a gym membership and I'm always telling her to make more use of it, but nothing ever happens

-how can I get her libido going again...I think a big part (or at least she tells me)....is that she is unhappy with her body, and doesn't want to get naked in front of me?? (....well I say if she is that unhappy than really make the effort to lose weight...otherwise I'm insulted that she won't have sex yet won't go to the gym either!)

help please!:confused:

Go to the gym with her. Maybe she just needs some motivation.

yeah I thought that too...but she goes to an all girl gym...and I don't!! (too bad!)

i was thinking exactly what averett just said. I'm the kind of person that has a real hard time going to the gym alone, maybe your gf is the same way.

try improving her self confidence by reassuring her that she's still sexy, and going to the gym with you will help her agree with you :)

she doesn't necessarily have to go to the gym...but stick with her diet or whatever...it's frustrating when she'll do it for 2 weeks....and than drop it all together. Cause for me that means another 2 moths without getting any......I know its a bad response.....but it's true. I just don't know if I should come right out and say it or waht??

This will sound like an odd suggestion, but hear me out: go with her to a nude beach. It did wonders for my wife, who is above-average weight.

You see, at a nude beach, you see what the wide spectrum of human bodies look like. Without this, your GF has two images of naked female bodies: hers, and Playboy. She knows that she will never be able to achieve a Playboy body, and might just give up in frustration.

A regular beach doesn't count; bathing suits conceal and enhance.

My wife sees nude beaches as an emotional recharge; now, when she exercises, it is for health and strength and body shape, and she is doing it for herself.

For women, sexual feeling comes out of emotion. Yes, she may feel self-conscious about her body, but the main problem is that she feels you are repulsed by her. Complimenting her appearance can work wonders, but it has to be sincere. If you want her to lose weight, go on the diet with her. Just because you may not need to lose weight yourself doesn't mean that you can't eat the food. Also, for a "diet" to be really effective, it has to be something that you can maintain once you get off the diet. You can eat a few more calories for maintaining weight rather than being in weight-loss mode. There are many good diets out there, but the best is to just eat slightly less and excercise slightly more.

Another suggestion is to buy some home equipment. It doesn't have to be expensive. My wife and I do abs together all the time, and we have a small set of weights for the times we can't get to the gym. I also have a recumbant bike that I use to do cardio on days I'm too lazy to drive to the gym. Nothing works to help someone lose weight than be having someone else working with them.

If you're not happy, you can't expect her to change for you.

So why don't you move on ?

The worst part about that, is that when you do, she'll automatically go into a rebuild phase and become the woman she was, the one you fell in love with, or better.

It's a painful approach, but if you play your cards right, you could let her know you mean business, in a different way, and still end up together.

....nude beach great idea...but I live in canada and can't afford to go anywhere nice

.....myself going on the diet too....great idea for support, except i already eat very healthy and go the to gym 6 days a week (maybe it's that I am very health conscious and if unhappy about someting on my own body I work on it very hard....and she doesn't...maybe that adds to the frustration??)

....home equip....good idea, but I think it'll just end up sitting there and used as a clothes hanger in her apartment

...breaking up with her...if that were to happen (we've been going out for over 4 years)....I think it would ruin the whole relationship...and there would be no chance of reconciliation (too risky of a move for me)

I just don't get that if she is so unhappy, why she doesn't do something about it??? That's the real stumper for me I guess

Listen. I just left a relationship like this. I'm not sure how you are handling it, but the pressure my ex was feeling due to my wanting sex when she didn't "feel sexy", drove her away.

It became more of a chore then fun for her, which in the end, enabled some other smooth talking bastard to sweep her off her feet.

So you've been dating for 4 years, if it's that important to you, then focus on other things. Plan extravagant weekends where sex isn't the focus, nor is it mentioned. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised. If she feels that it's her choice, her decision, and you're not pressuring her about it, things may do a full 180.

that's just what I don't want to happen....and why I haven't been pressuring her at all!!! But for me to sit at home (I'm 26 ) or go out to bars and have girls giving me their numbers etc....makes my mind fill with all kinds of delightful thoughts of naughty things!! There is semi-truth in the notion of if you can't get it at home, you can go elsewhere. I wanna fix this situation before I turn into one of 'those' guys .... but don't know how?

Depression over our body images can sometimes depress us into immobility. Unhappiness is not nearly as great a motivator as hope is. Positive help and encouragement are your best weapons against her weight gain.

Is she fugly ?

Take her with, have a good time, let her notice that you are appealing to other women, and she needs to step it up in order to keep her man.

Get her out of the apartment, doing physical things, walking, running, hiking, tennis whatever.

Why doesn't she want you ?

Wreck Beach, Vancouver is wonderful.

Also, Clothing Optional Beaches in Canada

is she 'fugly'..haha..not at all...and she's not really overweight either....just a few pounds (say 25 off would be nice)...

...I don't drink but do have a 'boys night out' - that's why the gf doesn't come- everyweekend and the 20 year girls are all over me and my buddies.....except they (my buddies) get to go home and 'work off' their sexual frustrations with their gf's whereas I don't....and I'm not syaing I go out to pick up, but they come to me and chat it up.

...I'm in Ontario....and I am betting about 99.9% that I could never drag her to a nude beach......and anyways a nude beach in Ontario would be pretty dicey...cause there are only like 2 real decent beaches here anyways! Thanks for the advice though redlmon!

Okay. Get her to go to YOUR gym with YOU. Don't leave her in the dust while you're there, do things with her. Make it a workout for the both of you.

I've dealt with the same problem you're dealing with now, except from the female end. Kinda dealing with it right now.

First of all, compliment her. Be sincere, and don't say anything you don't mean. Let her know you love her, and not just for sex.

When I started working out again, my sex drive went up. After my last breakup it kinda dropped for a while (there are gonna be people who don't believe that's possible :p). So that might be another thing to consider. She'll have more energy and feel better about herself.

Mention it when you notice a difference. Don't let her think that exercise isn't producing results. Instead of going out for dinner, offer to cook, and cook something healthy. :)

There's lots of ways you can help her without even actually dragging her to the gym.

Preeeeeecisely.

You are so close to being there. There has been excellent advice since my last post. Getting her to go to your gym is a great idea. Encouraging her to eat the right things by example is another good way. It sounds like you eat healthy, but if all the stuff in her apartment is unhealthy it makes it too easy to eat that way. Raeanna also had great advice about her probable mental state. She has to have hope that it will change. My wife was very similar in that she had always been skinny and ate whatever she liked. After we got married, she gained around 20 lbs and was in a size 10. On her own and without any help at all from me, she lost 25 lbs through Weight Watchers and has been in a size 6 since that time (2 years now). It took me about 18 months to see the light myself, and I eventually went on Weight Watchers. I have lost 84 lbs to date and am in the best shape of my life. However I had to decide on my own to do it. She just provided the encouragement that I could do it throughout the process and never made me feel bad about how I looked before.

great suggestions people I thank you. I offer support and compliments when I see changes.....but it makes it hard when I don't see anything different. She gets side tracked very easily...say after 2 weeks...so any change is prolly due to water loss at most. It's tough to keep support and encouraging when she keeps giving up.....?!

should I just come right out and tell her that I am unhappy with her weight...or will that just compound the problem?? I thought maybe a direct blow like that might 'knock some sense' into her (so to speak)....??

Then as a last straw tell her to stop bitching and DO something about it

Well, if you were my boyfriend, and you told me you were unhappy with my weight I'd most likely tell you to take a flying leap.

Are you in love with HER or her BODY?? I realize that physical attraction is a huge thing, but when it comes to most women and weight issues, it's just not an easy road to take.

..see that response scares the crap outta me!! I wouldn't do it in a hurtful way...I'm a big believer in the honest approach but I know that woman are very sensitive with certain subjects. It doesn't make me a bad person to want her to be thinner does it? I mean it will improve her own self esteem etc... Yes I love her, but if she doesn't love herself...than how is she supposed to truly love someone else?

That's the thing. A lot of it depends on how you say it to her. If you tell her you're worried about how she feels about herself, and let her know that you love her, then she shouldn't get that upset. I mean, yeah. She'll probably cry, and be upset for a bit, but if you let her know that YOU love her no matter what, then she should realize that you ARE worried about her.

I agree with your comment that she needs to love herself before she can truly wholly love anyone else.

Telling her that you are unhappy directly is the wrong way of doing it. Women don't think like this. You can still do it, but it has to be really subtle. Also, what is subtle to you will still be like launching rockets to her, but she will appreciate your "attempt" at being subtle.

Say she puts something on that you like her in, tell her she looks really nice in it. Hug her and tell her how great she is looking, etc. If she asks you how she looks in something and you don't like it, be honest but not brutally honest if you know what I mean. My wife is skinny, but there are certain clothes that don't look good on her. She asks if something looks good, and I'll say, it isn't totally flattering. This opens the discussion up about her figure, and if I had any complaints, we could talk about them that way. She is the one that brought up the topic. As Averett said, you are in the relationship for what she brings to the table in how she treats you, personality, etc. Looks are only part of the package, and her looks are going to change a bunch over the years. Make her happy mentally, and she will work her ass off to make you happy in the ways that you like.

I am curious as to how much weight she has gained as compared to what her weight used to be. Maybe she feels ok with her body, but received bad vibes from you about it which makes her not feel sexy in front of you. I can understand if she has gained say 20 pounds or more that you would want her to lose some weight. It is a possibility that when she diets for 2 weeks she doesn't see any improvement in her body and feels like it was all for nothing? It is healthy to lose only about a pound a week. Have you told her that you are proud of her for trying to improve her health when she went on these diets? Maybe that would be her stick to them longer.

What is the real problem? The fact that she has gained a few pounds since you guys met or the fact that she doesn't feel as good about herself as she used to?

If you are constantly thinking that she is overweight, even if you don't say anything about it, it will weigh on the relationship. She can't help but feel bad about herself when the signals she gets from you are that she doesn't look the way you want her to.

Try to repair the relationship and help her lose weight at the same time. Spend more time with her and try to get her to join you in activities that will give her the exercise you think she needs. If you try to drag her to the gym or tell her she needs to go all the time then she probably can't help thinking she needs to loose some weight. Take her for a bike ride, skiing, hiking, or if those are too active for here just ask her to take a walk with you. If the exercise is more of a secondary effect of spending time with you she migth feel better about it.

Since you are already eating healthy, you could make meals that are big enough for the both of you. Everyone likes when someone else cooks for them.

the problem isn't about her weight....I mean yeah it would be nice if she lost 20 lbs....but it's more about the lack of physical contact due to her perceptions of her weight and being overweight. From her explanations and my perceptions....if she loses the weight she will be a 'fun girl' once again......and by fun I mean, free spirited, not concerned about her body...and sex more than once every 2 months. It's the weight that is causing these problems or so she says.....so that's why I am pushing the 'go to the gym' card......

Maybe the gym has classes that would interest her? There's one near me that offers bellydancing classes. I just need someone to go with. :p There are a ton of different classes out there to take. Sometimes it's easier to work out if you're doing something that you think is fun.

If the problem isn't with your girlfriends weight then you might have wanted to word your initial post differently.

If you truely don't care about the weight then stop focusing on how to her to lose 20 pounds and start focusing on ways to make her feel better about herself. Make small romantic gestures and complement her when she least expects it.

well...true Hirare.....I would like to see her lose 20 lbs or so......but 75% becasue of how it will change her self esteem and 25% because I feel she should. Remeber, I am a higly focused person on health and fitness......therefore I have a problem with people who are overweight for no reason at all (such as simple over eating or poor diet and excercise habits)

I think maybe if your attitude comes across to her that way, it will make her feel unsexy, and also depressed - and hence no sex and comfort eating?

Good point. Does she do this? If so, buy her some healthy snacks, put fruit out at her place, etc.

Whoo boy, honesty on the weight issue can be a dicey thing. I posted a similiar dilema here a short while ago and know your pain. Sounds like both our women are in similar shape, about 25 pounds of loss would make my girl amazing looking, of course I find her beautiful now and tell her so daily. After hearing her complain about her weight and not feeling sexy for some time and after trying the encouraging "I think you are beautiful" approach I finally fessed up and said, "Sweetie, sure I wouldn't mind if you lost a few pounds but I think you are beautiful just as you are and if you never changed thats would be fine with me." This translates to "You are a horrible fat pig and I am repulsed by by your body" in girl talk. I spent over a month in purgatory for that one and I'm still feeling the repercussions of it. The sex was already slowed because of her body perception issues and that has slowed it even more. (Only with the light off and only once in a while kind of thing) I don't really know what to tell you. I, like you, am highly focused on my fitness and work out five days a week. I also have a problem with someone constantly complaining about their weight and not DOING anything about it. Still, I love the girl and have no intentions of leaving her. I just try to lead by example. I talk about my workouts, buy only healthy foods, make a point of NOT having bad fast food even when she does and just generally try to make fitness something that is always a highly visible subject. I make sure to let her know I find her beauthiful and sexy. If she wears a short t-shirt to bed or something I make the appropriate complimentary comment to remind her "Yes girl, you are hot and I want you!" My hope is she will eventually get the will to climb on the boat with me and get in shape. Its a long road but so far its the only option I have found, I know it doesn't seem pro-active but if nothing else works its worth a shot. Good luck.

geez StephenSA....maybe we should start a support group!! haha You are in the exact same boat as me....and you being all supportive and 'sweet' doesn't seem to be helping you out either. The only worry I have is if I am too sweet.....that she will think I have no qualms about her weight and that she will stay exactly how she is. (if it boosts her esteem, than sure, but she already figures she could lose the weight.....so I don't think the ego bosst would occur) It's a tough spot eh man????

See What do I say or do now? for an edited thread where a girl's self image gets turned upside down by a comment about her appearance being imperfect.

(the girl in question erased all of her posts in the thread).

So, yes, this sort of reaction happens, sadly. =(

Get rid of the gym idea, try jogging for 40 mins 4 times a week, I know it sounds like a lot but its really not when you are out there, and even better you can jog with her. I have a gym membership too and i've basically stopped going because its hard to get motivated in the gym and its too easy to stop. After a couple of months of jogging she'll be dropping the kilos.

I understand your concerns Hossified. I somtimes worry that telling my fiance' that she looks fine will backfire and she will go too far the other way and gain a lot more weight. I'm ok with her now but if she gained more her fears might come true and I really would lose my physical attraction to her. Sorry to all the hopeless romantics but yes, physical attraction is a big part of a relationship. Personally I would want someone to tell me if I got a bit pudgy. In fact at one time I did let myself go and people telling me I looked fine only allowed me to let it get worse before I got myself back in shape. With the significant other though honesty is a dangerous policy when it applies to appearance. My girl does the same thing with diets as well. She tries for a few weeks and if the pounds don't fly off she quits. Bottom line is she won't do it until she (much like an alcoholic) "hits bottom" and really feels she must get in shape. Until then maybe you could just try to add romance back into the equation. Do some of the things you did when you were first dating to get the original spark back. Try something new, a dance class or maybe some sort of martial art or something that interests her. Send her roses, write her a love letter, go on a trip. Maybe if you sweep her off her feet she'll sweep you into bed more often. Good luck.

Honestly I don't think her weight is the issue. Has she told you straight out that her weight is the reason why she has changed as a person? You're never going to have that fun college girl back again. She grew up, and out of that.

i disagree with the no more fun college girl aspect....yeah maybe she won't get wasted out of her mind 4 nights a week...but she's only 26 not 76!!! Quite contrary...I think she should be more fun now...cause now she has some extra cash!...and now we have been seeing each other for a long time...and are very comfrotable with each other (or so I thought). I know for myself, if she was losing atttraction to me, I'd want to know.....yeah it might hurt a little, but it would sure be a great motivator!! Why are women so sensitive to this.....even from someone they love?

Its different for men. As men get older it's socially acceptable for them to get grey, wrinkles, get a little pudgy. It's not for women. Why do you think there are so many products out there designed to cover our grey hairs and decrease wrinkles? And weight loss products are most always geared towards women.

Women have to look at actresses and models and think "I'm never going to be like that." We see lists of the most attractive women, and we just don't see ourselves respresented in it.

I'm not quite sure that i'm making a point here, but I do understand that its hard for a man to see a womans point of view. And vice versa of course.

Have you talked to your girlfriend about things? Maybe there are other things going on in her life that is causing the loss of sex drive. Maybe you need to mix things up. Does she have a job? Is she happy with it? Sounds like there may be other aspects of her life that may be causing her stress as well.

I reread your original post. Bottom line is that she isn't the fun, sexual person that you knew in college. Some of it is maturity. However, my wife is much more fun/sexual now in her mid-30s than she was in college. She isn't feeling good about herself (whether it is weight gain, unhappy job, not feeling confident of your love). If you want to make her happier, you have to accept her as she is and make her feel unconditionally loved. It is so much easier to want to "improve" yourself when you are feeling loved and accepted.

Amen skysooner :)

Listen to Skysooner man, for sure.

Though I do have to add that even if she does loose weight she won't be so "carefree" as you think she'll be. I was quite heavy @ 175 for a few years, and here I am at 135 and I worry about weight. Not worry in the sense that I don't eat - but I watch what I eat VERY closely and I'm very concensious of my weight. It's not a matter of getting the weight off it's the work to KEEP it off that people don't realize. I'm not as carefree as I used to be. I haven't eaten red meat in 7 years, and I haven't eaten fastfood in almost 4! This is a huge lifestyle change. Yes, I'm happier that I weigh less now but that doesn't mean that I'm going to stuff bad food in my face. Along with the weight gain self confidence issues are going to be something big. Even if she loses weight she still will be insecure about how she looks, she may get over it, but there are some people that don't.

well upon further investigation....I have found out that she is mildly depressed.....and she says that in order for her to get in the mood, she needs me to cuddle more with her and hold hands etc.... I guess for myself (and am sure for many other guys)...we just don't understand that effect for women.....becasue as I guy...all I need to get in the mood is a girl I find attractive, in the same room as me. I just hope that she is still attracted to me...and doesn't require all that 'gushy' stuff to get her in the mood. Cripes I read threads from nearly all the female members on this board...and they are all nymphs whose bf's don't have the sex drive they do!!!! Man I wish I was in that situation!

Well pay attention to her and maybe she will turn into a nymph :p

Us women do enjoy a little romance. We're not wired like guys. Sure, a lot of times all it does take is for you to be in the room, but most of the time we like a bit more than that....

Get romantic. Cook her dinner, give her massages, take a bath together. Don't wait for her to ask for these things, just do them. I'm sure you'll be rewarded :)

"Gushy stuff" isn't bad for crying out loud! It's great!

Learn to enjoy the 'gushy' stuff, don't just do it to get her in the mood. Touching and being touched is one of the best feelings you can have. The pleasure you can get from cuddling isn't the same as an orgasm, but it is still a pretty hardwired response.

And, as a bonus, you can do a non-trivial amount of it on a public bus. Well, you can do the other as well, but, you get what I mean.

(In addition, practically, doing "gushy" stuff in order to get laid can so result in a bad conditioned response from your partner. They learn quickly that cuddling implies you want sex from them. Thus, if they aren't in the mood for sex and you start cuddling, they'll react with that knowledge. If you cuddle for reasons unrelated to "I want sex now!", the positive response from cuddling won't be infected with a possible "you only touch me when you want something from me" negative response. This is just another reason to learn to enjoy cuddling for cuddling's sake, if you need it.)

It seems like half the people in this post hasn't listened to Homeboy. He has accepted her. He's doing everything in his power to accept her and he's trying to be a faithful boyfriend even when temptation is knocking at his door.

I can say I'm experiencing the same thing and the way I was able to get my wife to the gym... was to...

**drumroll please**

Get one of my female friends at work to go with her. She's the same body type and everything only she made the commitment to lose the weight already. So I tell my wife "pam" is going through a rough time right now and needs a gym partner to talk to. My wife is nosey so of course she went... and they've been at it for three weeks. They talk about what they eat... drink... and they meet at the gym at the same time every couple of days... she's dropped about 8lbs so far. She's the type that loved to sleep in but she actually gets up at 4:30 in the morning to go work out... That's Huge!

Now if you're as popular as you say I'm betting you see people at the gym like your wife everyday... approach them and ask them how they get motivated and then ask if they would like a gym partner... tell her that your wife doesn't like working out alone.

When you tell your wife just say "Sally" from the gym needs a work out partner. Just use her first name and when your wife asks who she is... just say a lady you see at the gym ALL THE TIME. Your wife's curiousity will be piqued because she wants to see the competition (who really isn't competition).

From there I don't know what to say... The worst "Sally" will say is that you said your wife doesn't like to work out alone which is true. Hopefully it will work.

Some of the other advice has been good too... I also suggest taking long walks together to talk about "the future." because you sound like you want to marry this girl. The thought of wearing a wedding dress usually results in a 3 size decrease in a lot of women... though I just pulled that stat out of the air. after a few times start speeding up to a brisk walk.

Keep us updated man... good luck.

..that's a 2 way street though. I don't want to have to 'cuddle' her in order to get some action from her. And that's what it feels like to me. I will agree though....I'm not much of a cuddler....to me it's kinda pointless for her to practically sit on me when there are 2 huge couches while eatching tv. I like Grimlok's approach...but unfortunately she doesn't go to the same gym as me. I do wish that she had a friend tough to go work out with....i think going by herself is a big problem (for her) too!

..whenever I find the 'secret' formula...I will let you guys know....cause ladies...this is prolly the main reason why boyfriends cheat!!!

Yakk speaks the truth though. It all becomes self-fulfilling. You show her "gushy" attention, she starts to appreciate it and reciprocate. It is a stimulant for the relationship. It is kind of interesting. I can just touch my wife now on her back, and I get turned on almost instantly. There is just something about the familiarity of touching your long-term partner who you totally love that just sets fireworks going. Try it. My wife has become much less needy of my attention once I started lavishing it on her. We are both busy with kids, work, etc. so we see each other less, but our time together now is more intense.

What you will find later in life is that it doesn't matter what your partner looks like. It is all about how she cares for YOU, how she loves YOU, and how you love HER. It is all about people. Nothing else matters like that. This is coming from an engineer that used to live and breathe data all day every day.

yeah skysooner....I agree and hear what you are saying.....but right now...I'm 26 very physically fit and healthy lifestyle.....and looks are important to me. Along with intelligence, personality etc... I want the whole package.....and I feel that I can choose to be picky! (hopefully that didn't sound too chauvanistic)

my philosophy is...if you can't take care of yourself now...nor have the desire too....what are you gonna be like in 15 years???? (when you're not in the 'prime of life'!)

Hossified makes a point about looking at the progression of a persons appearance. We all know as we age we will lose our outer trappings of beauty. We go bald, wrinkles appear, things sag, hair grows in the craziest places, we expect it. Because of this advance knowledge it seems one should enjoy the benefits of good health and physical appearance while we can. Plus the better shape we are in the better we will age. If Hossified has a dilema with his girfriends physical appearance now, he will really be in trouble should it start to get worse which without some sort of effort it inevitably will. Of course Hossified, if you want "the whole package" your're gonna have to bring something to the table, like maybe being a bit more romantic and "gushy". If in the end you can't give her the attention she wants and she can't live up to your physical expectations you might have to kindly move on. It sounds like you guys have a lot of time invested though so I'm sure with a little compromise and time it will all work out.

He's got a good point here. If you can't make her feel loved and secure, can't make her want to give you the best she can, then don't expect it. You can't expect her to give you everything and get nothing or little in return.

Is there anything else that's stressing her out? School+work+ insecurity about weight and how you feel about her can add up to feeling hopeless.

I understand what you are saying Hoss. You have to make yourself happy and/or be comfortable with yourself or you won't be able to make yourself happy. Being true to yourself is one of the first ways of doing this. The only time I don't believe in doing your own thing is when it hurts beyond repair. By this I mean that I fully support anything that people choose to do except things like child molestation where someone is defenseless. I have had friends that feel like you do, and they are perfectly happy in their lives. We just choose to do slightly different things. I admire how you held to your principles even if I disagree with the approach.

Boyfriends cheat cause they don't want to be gushy with their girlfriends? Huh?!?!?

Can I get an AMEN?

Can I get another AMEN? :)

whoa......the last thing I want to look like here is a guy who is ready to dump his girlfriend cause she put on a few pounds, has lost some libido, and isn't as much fun as she used to be!!!
-I meant that guys cheat on their gf's because they aren't satisified sexually or physically and instead of working the problem through they just get up and leave!!!
-I am an affectionate person...jsut apparently not as much as she would like (i guess).....and I don plenty of romancing....I'm an advocate for equal give and take folks....I'm not simply a taker!!
-the whole beginnings of this thread were....how can I communicate effectively with her...that I am not happy with some aspects......without hurting her feelings. I want this to be constructive not destructive

...some suggestions have been helpful and have broaden my view to give me a better understanding of how I should approach this. I thank you for those suggestions.

Don't be That Guy...

It sounds like you are trying, you're just unsure about how to go about it. You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a nice long adult conversation about things. Do you trust that your relationship can handle that? Can you both hear possibly harsh things about eachother and come out okay on the other side?

It's not easy having talks like that with somebody you love, but sometimes it's needed.

Have YOU done something that made you less attractive to her?
Did you become domesticated, weak or submissive?

I wouldn't recommend pushing her about how much she weighs. If you don't like it then you could leave her.

Also, if you seperated then she could be with someone who isn't disappointed by her.

that's great advice Tuffy......leave the girl after 4 years just because of 25 lbs or so??? geez.....she is unhappy with it too....I'm just trying to figure out a way to convey to her that I am concerned!!! And I would hope that after 4 years...if I have developed traits that she doesn't find appealing....that she would tell me.

Why can't people just talk in this day and age?? Everything has to be sooo PC and whatnot......this is why there are such differences in communication between men and women....and why there are soo many fights!!

Actually you can talk about it, but with women they hear things in a much different way than what you intend. I highly recommend the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". The advice it has is so simple, but it was a help to me and my wife in learning to communicate better. It is actually quite easy to talk about what you want to talk about, but if you approach it in the manner of most guys (bull in a china shop), it won't work. Read the book and see if it gives you any ideas.

Well, if what you're concerned about is her and how she feels about herself then don't even mention the weight. Tell her you notice that she's not happy, and that you want her to be happy with herself. Tell her that you'd like to see her happy, and that because you love her, when she's unhappy, you're unhappy. Don't make it abuot the weight.

now THAT is a great way of tackling the problem!! Thanks for the lead-in Sillygirl

My hero...
 

Absolutely! If more men could do this, the divorce rate wouldn't be 50%. Loving someone means loving them for who they are, not what they are. Women tend to see flaws below the surface rather than focusing on the obvious (love handles, gray hair, wrinkles, 10-inch-long nose hairs, growing ear lobes :) ).

I know that if I had support and encouragement and felt that "unconditional love", I would be much more motivated to rid myself of these extra pounds. Telling a woman, or a man for that matter, you find them overweight, looking older, sexually unattractive... whatever (the list goes on and on) - is a surefire way to further reduce their self-esteem and make them feel hopeless, more overwhelmed and most of all unloved and unaccepted. Nothing could be worse I assure you, and I speak from experience. :(

Re: My hero...
 

http://www.doonesbury.com/strip/dail..._date=20040415
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2004/db040415.gif

I can relate to this, if my boyfriend kisses me a certain way, I totally melt. My knees seriously do go weak not just the expressions weak either. But he spends tons of time on the computer and I crave more attention. I was just talking to a friend the other day and mentioned that if he would spare a few minutes here and there, even when on the computer, like a kiss or a hug, I wouldn't crave his attention as much and annoy him when I do want to cuddle. I love cuddling and he isn't really all that cuddly except after sex. I realized this and accepted it as part of who he was, but told him I needed some attention (this was back when we first got together) and now the situation is the computer thing, but I will take that any day over what it was like in the beginning with almost NO cuddling at all. And yes cuddling does go a long way in helping a girl feel better about herself. If you don't like to cuddle with her, she may think there is something wrong with her, hence maybe some of her ideas about her weight!

I can't agree more with this! Mentioning weight to her when you mention being uphappy when she is automatically triggers the though in her brain that you are unhappy with her weight and she feels unsexy and bad about herself. From here it is easier to just comfort eat and be depressed than to go work out. And if she is getting vibes from you about her weight she might not feel comfortable working out with you since you are in shape and she isn't.

Since I started dating my boyfriend I have lost almost 20lbs. and I don't work out regularly. It has been more of a change in how I live, but hearing him tell me how beautiful I am gives much added incentive to watch what I eat. When we first started dating I didn't like the light on since I felt sort of unsexy. Now with compliments from him, I want sex way more often (more than he does) and I don't have qualms about the light or even how clothes look now. I am way more self-confident and I think that also helped me in losing the weight I did. True it has been over a year that we have been together and I started losing weight before that, it takes time. And if she does lose weight really fast it will be that much easier to put back on.

Motivation for her is the key. And how you are making her feel is too! You may not be saying it, but it might be in how you react to her when she comes near you or something like that, that you don't even notice you are doing. She will notice and it will make her feel worse. Your attitude probably isn't helping like you want it to. If you appear anything like you do in the posts here then as a girl I would have to say that it isn't very motivating! At all! If my boyfriend had an attitude like this I could see why with added pressure from work or something I could easily get mildly depressed!

That is about all I can think of, but good luck!