skysooner

I reread your original post. Bottom line is that she isn't the fun, sexual person that you knew in college. Some of it is maturity. However, my wife is much more fun/sexual now in her mid-30s than she was in college. She isn't feeling good about herself (whether it is weight gain, unhappy job, not feeling confident of your love). If you want to make her happier, you have to accept her as she is and make her feel unconditionally loved. It is so much easier to want to "improve" yourself when you are feeling loved and accepted.

Averett

Amen skysooner

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

jRuntlets

Listen to Skysooner man, for sure.

Though I do have to add that even if she does loose weight she won't be so "carefree" as you think she'll be. I was quite heavy @ 175 for a few years, and here I am at 135 and I worry about weight. Not worry in the sense that I don't eat - but I watch what I eat VERY closely and I'm very concensious of my weight. It's not a matter of getting the weight off it's the work to KEEP it off that people don't realize. I'm not as carefree as I used to be. I haven't eaten red meat in 7 years, and I haven't eaten fastfood in almost 4! This is a huge lifestyle change. Yes, I'm happier that I weigh less now but that doesn't mean that I'm going to stuff bad food in my face. Along with the weight gain self confidence issues are going to be something big. Even if she loses weight she still will be insecure about how she looks, she may get over it, but there are some people that don't.

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Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

hossified

well upon further investigation....I have found out that she is mildly depressed.....and she says that in order for her to get in the mood, she needs me to cuddle more with her and hold hands etc.... I guess for myself (and am sure for many other guys)...we just don't understand that effect for women.....becasue as I guy...all I need to get in the mood is a girl I find attractive, in the same room as me. I just hope that she is still attracted to me...and doesn't require all that 'gushy' stuff to get her in the mood. Cripes I read threads from nearly all the female members on this board...and they are all nymphs whose bf's don't have the sex drive they do!!!! Man I wish I was in that situation!

Averett

Well pay attention to her and maybe she will turn into a nymph

Us women do enjoy a little romance. We're not wired like guys. Sure, a lot of times all it does take is for you to be in the room, but most of the time we like a bit more than that....

Get romantic. Cook her dinner, give her massages, take a bath together. Don't wait for her to ask for these things, just do them. I'm sure you'll be rewarded

"Gushy stuff" isn't bad for crying out loud! It's great!

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Yakk

Learn to enjoy the 'gushy' stuff, don't just do it to get her in the mood. Touching and being touched is one of the best feelings you can have. The pleasure you can get from cuddling isn't the same as an orgasm, but it is still a pretty hardwired response.

And, as a bonus, you can do a non-trivial amount of it on a public bus. Well, you can do the other as well, but, you get what I mean.

(In addition, practically, doing "gushy" stuff in order to get laid can so result in a bad conditioned response from your partner. They learn quickly that cuddling implies you want sex from them. Thus, if they aren't in the mood for sex and you start cuddling, they'll react with that knowledge. If you cuddle for reasons unrelated to "I want sex now!", the positive response from cuddling won't be infected with a possible "you only touch me when you want something from me" negative response. This is just another reason to learn to enjoy cuddling for cuddling's sake, if you need it.)

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

Grimlok

It seems like half the people in this post hasn't listened to Homeboy. He has accepted her. He's doing everything in his power to accept her and he's trying to be a faithful boyfriend even when temptation is knocking at his door.

I can say I'm experiencing the same thing and the way I was able to get my wife to the gym... was to...

**drumroll please**

Get one of my female friends at work to go with her. She's the same body type and everything only she made the commitment to lose the weight already. So I tell my wife "pam" is going through a rough time right now and needs a gym partner to talk to. My wife is nosey so of course she went... and they've been at it for three weeks. They talk about what they eat... drink... and they meet at the gym at the same time every couple of days... she's dropped about 8lbs so far. She's the type that loved to sleep in but she actually gets up at 4:30 in the morning to go work out... That's Huge!

Now if you're as popular as you say I'm betting you see people at the gym like your wife everyday... approach them and ask them how they get motivated and then ask if they would like a gym partner... tell her that your wife doesn't like working out alone.

When you tell your wife just say "Sally" from the gym needs a work out partner. Just use her first name and when your wife asks who she is... just say a lady you see at the gym ALL THE TIME. Your wife's curiousity will be piqued because she wants to see the competition (who really isn't competition).

From there I don't know what to say... The worst "Sally" will say is that you said your wife doesn't like to work out alone which is true. Hopefully it will work.

Some of the other advice has been good too... I also suggest taking long walks together to talk about "the future." because you sound like you want to marry this girl. The thought of wearing a wedding dress usually results in a 3 size decrease in a lot of women... though I just pulled that stat out of the air. after a few times start speeding up to a brisk walk.

Keep us updated man... good luck.

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Your future looks very very grim!

hossified

..that's a 2 way street though. I don't want to have to 'cuddle' her in order to get some action from her. And that's what it feels like to me. I will agree though....I'm not much of a cuddler....to me it's kinda pointless for her to practically sit on me when there are 2 huge couches while eatching tv. I like Grimlok's approach...but unfortunately she doesn't go to the same gym as me. I do wish that she had a friend tough to go work out with....i think going by herself is a big problem (for her) too!

..whenever I find the 'secret' formula...I will let you guys know....cause ladies...this is prolly the main reason why boyfriends cheat!!!

skysooner

Yakk speaks the truth though. It all becomes self-fulfilling. You show her "gushy" attention, she starts to appreciate it and reciprocate. It is a stimulant for the relationship. It is kind of interesting. I can just touch my wife now on her back, and I get turned on almost instantly. There is just something about the familiarity of touching your long-term partner who you totally love that just sets fireworks going. Try it. My wife has become much less needy of my attention once I started lavishing it on her. We are both busy with kids, work, etc. so we see each other less, but our time together now is more intense.

What you will find later in life is that it doesn't matter what your partner looks like. It is all about how she cares for YOU, how she loves YOU, and how you love HER. It is all about people. Nothing else matters like that. This is coming from an engineer that used to live and breathe data all day every day.

hossified

yeah skysooner....I agree and hear what you are saying.....but right now...I'm 26 very physically fit and healthy lifestyle.....and looks are important to me. Along with intelligence, personality etc... I want the whole package.....and I feel that I can choose to be picky! (hopefully that didn't sound too chauvanistic)

my philosophy is...if you can't take care of yourself now...nor have the desire too....what are you gonna be like in 15 years???? (when you're not in the 'prime of life'!)

StephenSa

Hossified makes a point about looking at the progression of a persons appearance. We all know as we age we will lose our outer trappings of beauty. We go bald, wrinkles appear, things sag, hair grows in the craziest places, we expect it. Because of this advance knowledge it seems one should enjoy the benefits of good health and physical appearance while we can. Plus the better shape we are in the better we will age. If Hossified has a dilema with his girfriends physical appearance now, he will really be in trouble should it start to get worse which without some sort of effort it inevitably will. Of course Hossified, if you want "the whole package" your're gonna have to bring something to the table, like maybe being a bit more romantic and "gushy". If in the end you can't give her the attention she wants and she can't live up to your physical expectations you might have to kindly move on. It sounds like you guys have a lot of time invested though so I'm sure with a little compromise and time it will all work out.

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Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

sillygirl

He's got a good point here. If you can't make her feel loved and secure, can't make her want to give you the best she can, then don't expect it. You can't expect her to give you everything and get nothing or little in return.

Is there anything else that's stressing her out? School+work+ insecurity about weight and how you feel about her can add up to feeling hopeless.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

skysooner

I understand what you are saying Hoss. You have to make yourself happy and/or be comfortable with yourself or you won't be able to make yourself happy. Being true to yourself is one of the first ways of doing this. The only time I don't believe in doing your own thing is when it hurts beyond repair. By this I mean that I fully support anything that people choose to do except things like child molestation where someone is defenseless. I have had friends that feel like you do, and they are perfectly happy in their lives. We just choose to do slightly different things. I admire how you held to your principles even if I disagree with the approach.

Averett

Boyfriends cheat cause they don't want to be gushy with their girlfriends? Huh?!?!?

Can I get an AMEN?

Can I get another AMEN?

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

hossified

whoa......the last thing I want to look like here is a guy who is ready to dump his girlfriend cause she put on a few pounds, has lost some libido, and isn't as much fun as she used to be!!!
-I meant that guys cheat on their gf's because they aren't satisified sexually or physically and instead of working the problem through they just get up and leave!!!
-I am an affectionate person...jsut apparently not as much as she would like (i guess).....and I don plenty of romancing....I'm an advocate for equal give and take folks....I'm not simply a taker!!
-the whole beginnings of this thread were....how can I communicate effectively with her...that I am not happy with some aspects......without hurting her feelings. I want this to be constructive not destructive

...some suggestions have been helpful and have broaden my view to give me a better understanding of how I should approach this. I thank you for those suggestions.

Averett

Don't be That Guy...

It sounds like you are trying, you're just unsure about how to go about it. You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a nice long adult conversation about things. Do you trust that your relationship can handle that? Can you both hear possibly harsh things about eachother and come out okay on the other side?

It's not easy having talks like that with somebody you love, but sometimes it's needed.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Tuffy_McGee

Have YOU done something that made you less attractive to her?
Did you become domesticated, weak or submissive?

I wouldn't recommend pushing her about how much she weighs. If you don't like it then you could leave her.

Also, if you seperated then she could be with someone who isn't disappointed by her.

hossified

that's great advice Tuffy......leave the girl after 4 years just because of 25 lbs or so??? geez.....she is unhappy with it too....I'm just trying to figure out a way to convey to her that I am concerned!!! And I would hope that after 4 years...if I have developed traits that she doesn't find appealing....that she would tell me.

Why can't people just talk in this day and age?? Everything has to be sooo PC and whatnot......this is why there are such differences in communication between men and women....and why there are soo many fights!!

skysooner

Actually you can talk about it, but with women they hear things in a much different way than what you intend. I highly recommend the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". The advice it has is so simple, but it was a help to me and my wife in learning to communicate better. It is actually quite easy to talk about what you want to talk about, but if you approach it in the manner of most guys (bull in a china shop), it won't work. Read the book and see if it gives you any ideas.

sillygirl

Well, if what you're concerned about is her and how she feels about herself then don't even mention the weight. Tell her you notice that she's not happy, and that you want her to be happy with herself. Tell her that you'd like to see her happy, and that because you love her, when she's unhappy, you're unhappy. Don't make it abuot the weight.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

hossified

now THAT is a great way of tackling the problem!! Thanks for the lead-in Sillygirl

txlovely

Absolutely! If more men could do this, the divorce rate wouldn't be 50%. Loving someone means loving them for who they are, not what they are. Women tend to see flaws below the surface rather than focusing on the obvious (love handles, gray hair, wrinkles, 10-inch-long nose hairs, growing ear lobes ).

I know that if I had support and encouragement and felt that "unconditional love", I would be much more motivated to rid myself of these extra pounds. Telling a woman, or a man for that matter, you find them overweight, looking older, sexually unattractive... whatever (the list goes on and on) - is a surefire way to further reduce their self-esteem and make them feel hopeless, more overwhelmed and most of all unloved and unaccepted. Nothing could be worse I assure you, and I speak from experience.

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Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

Yakk

http://www.doonesbury.com/strip/dail..._date=20040415

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

Eowyn_Vala

I can relate to this, if my boyfriend kisses me a certain way, I totally melt. My knees seriously do go weak not just the expressions weak either. But he spends tons of time on the computer and I crave more attention. I was just talking to a friend the other day and mentioned that if he would spare a few minutes here and there, even when on the computer, like a kiss or a hug, I wouldn't crave his attention as much and annoy him when I do want to cuddle. I love cuddling and he isn't really all that cuddly except after sex. I realized this and accepted it as part of who he was, but told him I needed some attention (this was back when we first got together) and now the situation is the computer thing, but I will take that any day over what it was like in the beginning with almost NO cuddling at all. And yes cuddling does go a long way in helping a girl feel better about herself. If you don't like to cuddle with her, she may think there is something wrong with her, hence maybe some of her ideas about her weight!

I can't agree more with this! Mentioning weight to her when you mention being uphappy when she is automatically triggers the though in her brain that you are unhappy with her weight and she feels unsexy and bad about herself. From here it is easier to just comfort eat and be depressed than to go work out. And if she is getting vibes from you about her weight she might not feel comfortable working out with you since you are in shape and she isn't.

Since I started dating my boyfriend I have lost almost 20lbs. and I don't work out regularly. It has been more of a change in how I live, but hearing him tell me how beautiful I am gives much added incentive to watch what I eat. When we first started dating I didn't like the light on since I felt sort of unsexy. Now with compliments from him, I want sex way more often (more than he does) and I don't have qualms about the light or even how clothes look now. I am way more self-confident and I think that also helped me in losing the weight I did. True it has been over a year that we have been together and I started losing weight before that, it takes time. And if she does lose weight really fast it will be that much easier to put back on.

Motivation for her is the key. And how you are making her feel is too! You may not be saying it, but it might be in how you react to her when she comes near you or something like that, that you don't even notice you are doing. She will notice and it will make her feel worse. Your attitude probably isn't helping like you want it to. If you appear anything like you do in the posts here then as a girl I would have to say that it isn't very motivating! At all! If my boyfriend had an attitude like this I could see why with added pressure from work or something I could easily get mildly depressed!

That is about all I can think of, but good luck!

__________________
Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before.
DG: And, how am I doing?
Cain: Well, there's less *hugging* when I do it