lurkette

I just posted in another thread that ratbastid and I are involved in a polyamorous relationship with another couple, whom we absolutely adore. We'd been friends for a few years before we started sleeping together, and the last few months have just seen us get closer.

One of the challenges of the relationship has been that they live an hour away. We're driving back and forth a couple of times a week, which is pretty annoying. A few weeks ago, a house down the street from them went on the market, and the seeds of a Cockamamie Idea (TM) were hatched. I could totally see living with these people. We love them both, we have a blast together, we all get along great, they want to have kids and we don't so we could babysit and not have to have our own kids but could still contribute to someone's upbringing, and they wouldn't have to move to be by family to get free babysitting.

I mentioned the Cockamamie Idea to them a few days ago, and they're enthusiastic in principle. Which surprises me, since only a week or so ago D (the wife, our girlfriend) was saying that she's not sure how long-term she wants this to be, etc. etc. (The sexual part of things - we're irrevocably best friended now.) Granted, she sometimes just says things and the act of saying them resolves whatever uncertainty she has. Something we need to find out about, though.

Anyhow, I started the ball rolling and now we're actually starting to talk about this like it could happen, and I'm wondering...

...are we nuts?

I honestly could see spending the rest of my life with these people. This might be the thing they need to allow them to stay here and have everything they want (they'd been talking about moving near family for when they have kids, although they don't really want to live anywhere their families live - it would just be a convenience thing). But it would mean uprooting ourselves, moving out of our gorgeous freshly painted house (paint is cheap), away from our dear friends who live on our block (we have half a dozen friends who live on our street or near us with whom we hang out every Friday). Granted, we're driving back and forth so much now it wouldn't be any big deal to drive back and forth the other direction to see these guys. A lot of the things we love to do are in this other city and in a way it would be really convenient. But...it's such a big move! Am I just having rational cold feet, or should I jump on in the way I usually do with Cockamamie Ideas (which, BTW, ALWAYS turn out well - buying a house in the first place was a CI, as was getting a dog, getting hardwood floors, renewing our vows and taking our entire families, all 20 of them who showed up, to the beach at the same time - I have a long and successful CI track record) and just know that this is what I want?

(BTW, ratbastid, you've been really quiet about this particular CI, and I'd love to hear what your thoughts are, here or IRL. Mwah!)

Edit: P.S.: Jobs are not an issue, since ratbastid works for himself and my job is portable. We could both work from wherever we wanted.

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Nitrox

Well, people who are in relationships have been known to uproot themselves to be together (granted your situation is not exactly the norm). Think of it this way, if you and your significant other lived in different cities, wouldn't you probably move to be closer together. As you said, most people go through CI's (tm) in life, and I don't see this as any different.

One word of caution though, is there the possibility that the relationship continues to thrive because both couples live in different towns. Couldn't the dynamic change if you are both living on the same street?

*Nikki*

I think it is nuts. But then again I would never in a million billion years be in a sitution like that.

I see so many potential things going wrong in that situation that could seriously fuck up what you and RB have.

Strange Famous

I dont know, its hard for me to be objective cos I couldt imagine myself in that situation - I mean, I guess its just a case of if this would put more pressure on the situation, and create the expectation of more. I always found it was pretty hard for two people to want the same things sometimes, so I guess when you have for people you double the possibilities in that sense

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Redlemon

I'm probably not the person to ask, since I am very cautious and deliberate by nature. However, to me it seems a bit early to be "moving in" with them; you've only been dating for a couple of months now. I would wait until the initial exhilaration/infatuation stage passes, and the relationship solidifies.

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Bill O'Rights

I have found that the best way to ruin any friendship, is to move in with 'em. This includes roomates and lovers. I suppose, though it almost pains me to say it, I have to agree with Strange Famous. It's hard enough for two people living under the same roof to get along (remember those first few years with Ratbastid?), now you're adding 2 more. I dunno. I would have to advise against it. Especially since "D" isn't so sure how long term she wants your relationship to be.

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dami³

I can't relate, but since you have known these people for years and since you really like them, moving may be the way to go ... maybe.

Being friends is great, sleeping together might be great and euhm maybe babysitting could be great ... but for how long? Then again you say "D is not sure how long-term she wants this to be" - in the future that may mean that only the "friends" and "babysitting" prospect is left ... are you cool with that? What if irritation sets in? You seem to be happy living where you are, only thing you don't like is the drive to your friends. To me, that doesn't sound like a compelling enough reason to move.

You have always known and interacted with these people as friends and recently as "lovers" and/or "sex partners", not as (good) neighbours. So for the moment you're just two distinct couples who like each other, with each your own lives and at least in regard to family planning, it would appear that you have a different mindset.

In the long run these different wishes and interests could interfere with your own and their lives ... so frankly it sounds a little nuts to me, then again: "no nuts, no glory!"

Yakk

It is sort of strange. I was wondering why communes where more rare than they are.

I mean, take two traditional pair-bonded families. If they share child rearing work and the work of day to day maintenance (cooking etc), you'd end up with more kid/parent time, better socialized kids, meals would be easier to deal with (cooking for 4 isn't nearly twice as hard as cooking for 2), etc.

The lunch crowd came up with:
1> People can't get along well enough. 2 people married is hard enough! And most of the hard part is the "living together".
2> Maybe it does happen, but they aren't public about it.
3> People are conservative stick in the muds: acting against sociatal norms is +scary+.

If my bias hasn't shown through, I think it would be a great idea in theory, at the least.

But, I'm actually utterly and completely nutz, so my opinion doesn't let you know if you are!

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

jay-g

I second that. I think that there would be so many things that could go wrong. I dont think im being pessimistic about it either. Theres just too many feelings and emotions to keep up with and keep happy.

water_boy1999

Well put. I am not in the mindset of having these kinds of relationships, but I don't judge you for it either. More power to you and RB. I do see a multitude of issues arising out of it though. My opinion would be to stay where you are and have the relationship as is. They won't become less of friends because you remain an hour away, but you might become less of friends living that close.

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Rodney

How important is the sex? Nothing kills sex like children -- they take so much energy. Once the other couple's kids are born, their priorities might change. Of course, if you're there to help out you might still be very welcome. But what kind of relationship will it all be then? Will you all just be good buddies? Will you be the surrogate uncle and aunt (only as long as the other couple agrees, of course)? Will they get presure from their relatives to stop having alternative sexual relations once children are in the house?

So many questions. Ask yourself, how do you think this relationship will change over the next five years? And if things change in a few years so that the relationship you have now no longer exists, will the time you've had together still make it all worthwhile? While everybody likes a happy ending, it's not a necessity if the journey is rewarding.

Eugeni

Wow!

Between do-it option and not-do-it option, I would always go for the do-it option because in the end it is what you wanted although you can regret it afterwards.

But you are more likely to regret the not-do-it option.

Excuse my grammar. I hope I made myself clear.

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kutulu

I think it would be better it the four of you just lived near each other rather than living together. Even if you did make it work and later they had kids it would be very akward for those kids when they are old enough to know what's going on.

Bobaphat

Whatever works for you works for you. You better make absolutely everyone involved is on the same page though

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Temporarysanity

thats pretty old school and I havent heard of one of those that ever went right. Not to be rude or pessimistic but I dont see it working out for alot of reasons. the first being if there are kids involved how would they cope with knowing that you all are sleeping together. and with if by chance your bf ends up impregnating the other woman ?

will you be happy with knowing another woman has had a child by your man? and if those other people have kids themselves then inevitably there will come a time when an argument will come up and the words well they arent really your kids will come up. and when the woman is pregnant the man may gravitate towards you more for sex leaving your bf out of the loop. and what about our neigghbors and freinds and the town in general.


Im sure many dont mind who does what kind of kinky stuff but what you all are deciding to do isnt a small time fling kind of deal. and manyy will be offended and against your life choices. all in all I wish you all luck in what you decide to do but 4 people living toggether with sex between each other and add kids to the mix is a big time recipe for disaster. but you may pull i off who knows. in the you all need to sit down and write out the pros and cons and your fears and hopes for this whole situaition and then talk about it.

irateplatypus

yeah, put me in the "not-do-it" pile.

there are so many things that could go wrong. plus, the minute you bring children into the equation it changes the whole complexion of the situation.

honestly, i'll never understand how a person can share their lover with another person and still expect a healthy relationship. that being said, in my struggle to empathize with you my gut tells me that if you really plan for this to be a lifelong thing then waiting a year to let things solidify really isn't that much of a sacrifice.

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txlovely

I'm with the others that agree with *Nikki*. She hit it on the mark. Sorry, Lurkette dear, but I think this really is a CI.

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telekinetic

I think having four people living together in a relationship is asking for trouble...WIth two people, you have one relationship to manage...with four people, you have six, and if any one of the six has problems the whole house will be disrupted.

Maybe think about getting a duplex, or moving into adjacent houses/appts?

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twisted no more

skysooner

The dynamic might be great now, but people change over time. Her first priority is going to be her husband/children and then you guys. Who is to know that problems might not occur when their goals change (and kids can really do that). Not to mention the legal problems of owning a house together. If it was something that you could get out of (i.e. renting instead of owning), it would be worth a try, but otherwise I think you are just setting yourselves up for problems no matter how fun it is now.

Prince

Well, I'm no expert in anything whatsoever, but I'd say do it.

Okay, a lot of people have pointed out that "D" isn't sure about things in the long run, and how would the kiddies feel about you sleeping together blah blah blah...

However, it would seem to me that what carries your relationship on with this couple isn't sex - but more than that. It's friendship, perhaps even love. You could stop the sexual part of it all, and the friendship and everything else could quite well remain.

Family is important. It's the greatest form of wealth there is. The coming together of two families to form one should be done discreetly and carefully, but also should be welcomed and appreciated and cherished.

I applaud your courage and wish you the best with whatever you decide.

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Harshaw

Hell yes its nuts, but lots of good things are. But if you want to do it, and they want to do it, go for it. I've never been in a polyamorous relationship, but I'm assuming they function in similar ways to non-poly relationships. A lot of it is about timing. Screw up the timing and it is not going to work. Make sure EVERYONE involved is ready to take such a big damn step. Make sure everyone is being honest about how ready they are. This couple may have agreed because they felt disagreeing at this point would be an ending. But hell, if they are for it and you are for it, you might as well try it.

I was also thinking you might want to look for a polyamorous message board (or usenet) and just see what people who have done this sort of thing have to say about it.

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guthmund

I don't care much for the things "that might happen." To be fair, tomorrow you "might" sprout a third arm.

I think it's fantastic that you've found someone to spend the rest of your life with in Ratbastid and if you see the same with these folks, what the hell is stopping you?

If the idea has been floated and everybody's on board, well, then there really isn't anything left to discuss. If things don't work out, (and it'll happen sooner rather than later) then move out. What's the hassle?

Yes, you might have hard feelings in the end, but if you're afraid of what could happen then maybe none of us should ever leave the house.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, being afraid of what might happen is no excuse for not jumping right in. I think if you're going to run into this, then run as fast as you possibly can. You might hit the wall, but then again you might not.

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kl0pper

that sounds awesome to me
thats cool that you guys are that open to it
i wish more people were just open-minded about this kind of thing

lisa

I'd say, you ARE nuts, but of course that is just me

Anyway, i think you have to be really carefull with this, and not rush into foolish cookamonga-(??)ideas like that without enough considering all the consequences .
As has been said above, don't you think that moving closer to one another might spoil half of the fun? I think your special relationship with these peoples might change very drastical. This could lead to tensions that needn't to be dealt until now... moving closer will let you get to know each other in a totally different -not per sé better- way...

Another thing, i think you have to be véry carefully with, is knowing for sure that both parties agree; and in this case this means four people have to be absolutely sure that they want this... And that doesn't seem very easy.

Well, anyway, good luck with wathever you choose to do, but reconsider and think carefully, that's just my humble advice to you

DEI37

Being that we are in a similiar situation as far as the lifestyle goes, I can say that we would probably never "move in" with another couple. Granted it might be fun for a little while, but you have to remember that best friends make worse room mates. Personally, I would stay put. We'd give anything to drive just an hour for the kinds of things that you (and we) do. Most of our drives are 3 hours. We do have one local couple, but even that's a 35 minute drive. We've got several other closer contacts, but nothing has cum of those just yet.

Lurkette, I'd say that this idea may not be in your best interest. That's my advice. If you have questions, feel free to PM either myself, or raeanna74...my wife.

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lurkette

That's exactly how I feel about it. The level of intimacy we've all developed is well beyond what most 1-2 year-old relationships look like, and I can't see any of us doing anything that would jeopardize that.

Plus, we practically live together as it is, at least on weekends. For the past, oh, 2 months we've either spent the weekend at their house or they at ours. Granted, it's different when you're doing it 24/7, but not really THAT different.

Thanks!

To answer a few questions/concerns that have been raised, the house we were looking at is in fact a duplex, which is perfect! It gives us a measure of autonomy at the same time it gives us immediate access to each other. (It's also good "cover" - much less eyebrow-raising than actually sharing a house, though they wouldn't mind that either.)

D's reservations about long-term-ness were about the "sexual limbo" part of the relationship, and 1. she often just says stuff to get it out in the open and the very act of saying it resolves the issue for her - I've seen her do it frequently. So this is not necessarily a "deal-breaker). 2. Even if the sexual part of the relationship did end, I would still want to spend as much time as possible around them. I adore them and want to be with them and make them happy. And I am pretty sure they feel the same way about us.

I guess the vague "what-ifs" don't bother me - I'm fully confident that we could work anything out. But I definitely agree with the folks who have said we need to be sure that everyone is on the same page and has realistic expectations and that we all want the same things.

Thanks, and keep the feedback coming!

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Ustwo

Being a mild swinger I CAN relate to this, and we are in a similar (though I wouldn't call it polyamorous) relationship.

I'd say go for it except if something does go wrong (and more can go wrong with 4 then 2) you are pretty screwed.

If you are in a true polyamorous relationship that everyone is 100% accepting of then I would do it. If you are in more of a swinging relationship where you are great friends, and have a good time in bed together I'd most likely keep making the drive.

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bermuDa

this is definitely an interesting situation, I'd have to agree with you and Prince here. I like the idea of the duplex as opposed to sharing a house, and having such a tightly knit group could work well if a kid was introduced to the situation. You always have great opinions, Lurkette and Ratbastid, and I'm guessing that this other couple are like-minded people (otherwise I doubt you'd love them as much as you do). A quartet such as this would create a wonderful environment to raise children if that were to happen.

I as well as others here profess to prefer monogamy over other forms of relationships, but I'm very happy for you two and your friends (and I'm mighty proud of your openness about everything), and from the way you speak of this situation, your instincts might be right

You don't need our opinions to validate your convictions, but go for it!

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mr sticky

The only problem that I forsee is when D and her SO have a child.

The dynamic will change, but I can tell that's expected in your mind and RB's. However, the part that I think will get tricky is the rearing of the child. Parents are notoriously protective and selfish with their children. I see this daily in "step" relationships. There is a very thin, but very palpable line in "ownership" of the parenting. Not that you'll try to take any measure of control, but mothers aren't the most rational of people. If you help too much, you're invading, too little then you're apathetic.

If everything else works out, I can gaurantee that this will throw a rather large and obtrusive monkey wrench in the mix!

In any regards, good luck and God bless!

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Dale Kemp

OK, I'm a bit jealous of your poly relationship. WOW, and all that. But on the practical side, there is a big difference between sharing a libidoes, sharing your lives, and sharing your finances (as in sharing home ownership). I say, move in next door or down the block from this close other couple, and let the relationship flow where it will. If you become a polyamourous foursome forever, that's hot. But if you find yourselves continuing to be two couples that like time and/or sex together, then selling the house won't be so horribly complicated.

Move there, but into a seperate building.

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uptown

I agree... just think how are you going to live?Is your relationship going to be presented to your respective extended families and friends openly and proudly or are you going to be relegated to "roomate and babysitter" status?

Think long and hard on this one the pitfalls and potential for heartbreak seem huge.

analog

Whole-heartedly seconded.

I'd like to say what I usually say- that love is the most powerful thing in the world, and the more you have the better you are, and all that... but I just think there are so many things that could go sour...

...and in the process, could cause problems for you and Ratbastid... and to know I put my stamp of approval on soemthing that could possibly cause you 2 problems.... well, i just can't do that.

Now, if you lived VERY NEAR each other, but still in separate houses, I'd say go for it... worse-case scenario, you still have your own places... maybe even the duplex thing, because you could still be separate if things went to shit... but... I dunno.

Maybe it's best to take what i've said as a few points to ponder, and not really an "answer". Sorry I couldn't do better, but dropping a yes/no on this is impossible for me. Keep us updated- some of us here love you guys too.

denim

I have two good friends. I was friends with them before they got married, and I'm still good friends with them. I generally visit them around once a year for a week or so. There's no sex involved between me and either of them.

Four years ago, we were getting along really well. I was out of work, doing a job search and they invited me out to their place to search in their area. At the time, I was living in Texas, and they were in Silicon Valley. So I went out there, with my cat, to job search.

I was there for two months. We learned several things. One, we learned that it can be useful to have close friends that close-by. Two, we learned that while we could compromise all over the place, we couldn't live together.

I've also seen a situation which doesn't quite compare to what you're talking about. It was a five-way sexual relationship with two women and three guys. It was two married couples and a third guy. I wasn't any of the guys, thank God.

Here's what happened, as far as I could tell as an outsider: the relationship wasn't stable. One of the women was okay with having multiple guys as long as her guy didn't go with the other woman. She was a bit selfish. Just a little bit. Still is, too. The other woman ended up splitting from the guy she had and going with the spare, then moving away. I don't want to think too hard about what the guy she split with felt like after this.

I can't offer any serious advice. All I can do is relate what I've seen. I have enough problems dealing with one woman at a time.