I swear, I did NOT call my fiance' fat!
 

Hopefully this is the right forum for this, if not feel free to move, no biggee. Anyhoo, I have a wonderful sexy beautiful girl to whom I am engaged. I love her dearly, the sex is awesome and we have a lot of fun together. There is one snag. My dearest is a little over weight. I would not say she is fat but yes, she could lose a few pounds. I used to be fat. I was very overweight. Quite rotund. With a lot of effort I lost all my weight and now spend a lot of time in the gym. I lift weights and am trim and muscular. Because of this and the usual reasons my SO is a bit self-concious about her weight and appearance. She has started calling herself fat and says she wants to lose weight. I have replied to her by saying she looks great and I love her. I have continually told her that I think she is sexy and get excited just looking at her. Still she continually talks about being fat and wanting to lose weight and told me not to tell her she is thin because she is not. Here is where I obviously screwed up. I finally had enough of hearing about it so when she started going on about her weight and appearance the other night I told her "Yes dear, honestly I wouldn't mind if you lost a few pounds but I love you as you are so its no big deal to me." This was translated to " I think you are fat and disgusting, you better get skinny pronto you piggee!" Understand, part of my weight gain problem was that people kept telling me I looked great as I gained weight and it was easier to believe them than getting off my butt and doing something about it. I wish people had been honest with me and I might have done something sooner. I believe a little honesty can be motivating. I avoided this with my SO for a while but finally just said what I said. So now she thinks I think she is a pig and the problem is just worse. The other night I rolled over to go to sleep instead of initiating sex, (I was VERY tired) and she started crying because she thought I didn't want her because of her weight. SHEESH! She is by no means fat, and I don't know what to do to make her feel better. Any ideas would be appreciated.

She's only upset because she's afraid it might be true. Sit her down and explain what you meant and tell her you're willing to help her out in any way she wants. Oh, and tell her you love her alot :)

Sounds like you are in a tough situation StephenSa... I have been in a similar situation and feel for you. Sounds like you have been very caring and loving... I wouldn't worry too much about this flair up in sensitivity on her part. She just wants to know you find her sexy, but obviously she is having issues with thinking she is overweight. I don't know what her opinion on working out is, but I would try to incorporate her into your work outs. Or set some mutual goal for both of you... of course, continuing to remind her of how sexy you find her should smooth out the immediate problem. Good luck!

I dated an Aerobics instructor who would look at her self in her full mirror and ask me if I thought she was fat. I honestly didn't think she was fat; told her so; and was accused of lying each and every time.

Yeah, but I think you have to keep lying. There is no way you can make someone feel different about their own self image. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

no, you can make someone feel better about their own self image. you should've explained to her what you meant at first though but the longer you wait the more of a lie it seems like.
women have a tough timing finding themselves attractive for whatever reason (that's another debate) but i really think it is up to their SO to let them know how they really look.

"I find you very beautiful. When you feel better about yourself, it makes you that much sexier. If you feel you need to lose a few pounds to feel better about yourself, I'll support you; let me know how I can help."

Maybe you should invite her to the gym with you or start taking a daily jog with her. You can bond and be with each other as well as actually doing something that will make you both feel better.

Both my answers.

Good luck. My X-fiancee had an eating disorder. She would weight 95 pounds at 5'5" and still think she was huge. It took a few years for her to settle herself down. Now she looks amazing... better then she ever did when we were toegther. Damn it.

I should slap you now.. but listen to the previous few posts.. Tell her you will support her if she wants to do something about it. Perhaps find an activity you both want to do together, Biking is great, and so is swimming. Perhaps take her to the gym with you :)

Just a few suggestions..

Yeah dude, in girl-speak you called her fat.

When I was with a girl of mine she had an AMAZING body to begin with, then as she had to work 39hrs/week as well as 18hrs of credit she didnt exactly eat well or work out. She still looked gorgeous but had the tiny pudge when she sat down.

After that whenever she complained about being fat I told her "You're not fat, you're gorgeous. I'm the one who needs to start working out..." Now the truth is I didnt need to work out anymore, I was the football team captain, and went to state in wrestling. But what happened was my workout routine became OUR workout routine.

Try going at it that way, as a side note not only does she start to look more amazing than you'd ever realize, but she becomes more self confident and the sex life explodes... its simply amazing... god I miss that girl.

Rookie mistake.

Nothing to worry about. You'll get this all cleaned up with her, and once you're married you'll get better and better at speaking Married.

Whoa.... nice.

I also agree with the try to get her to work out with you. I think it would be fun to work out with someone you routinely get naked with. That way you can both enjoy the results. I bet it is a pretty good motivator.

Proper response:

Her: Honey, do these pants make my butt look fat
Him: No dear, your hips make your butt look fat

...the trial is in two weeks.

hahahahaha, definite rookie mistake... there are trap questions you'll learn not to answer.

"does this make me look fat?" "baby, I can only see your beauty."

My response to that question is always, "its not your pants that make your ass look big, its your ass that looks big."

Sounds like she has deeper personal issues than just the number on the scale.

I would print out exactly what you typesd at the top of the thread and leave it somewhere for her to read.

It explains the situation perfectly.

But yes, women read way too much into a mans answer, whatever the question was (sorry ladies, but it's true!)

IMO, she did take it a bit too strongly, but I'm a guy. In wife/girlfriend speak, this was bad. Like Ratbastid says, you will learn how to speak wife talk as you are married. Is this a huge error? Not really. Just follow much of the good advice above, and you will be gtg.

Ok time to see if this is the girl for you long term.

When we were dating my wife did the 'does this make me look fat' thing. And it did, it was not very flattering. Anways I told her so and she did the expected hissy fit. After she did that, I pointed out that I was the one person she could trust with this, I would always be honnest with her, etc. Her friends wouldn't say anything, hell most of them were fat. Anyways she took this to heart and its made our relationship much easier since she wants honnesty from me, not ego soothing.

Great responses from everyone, thanks. She and I talked about it a bit and she has some self-esteem issues so things go deeper than her being effected by my comment. To be honest even as I said it I knew I was on thin ice. I was just so tired of hearing her (for months) talk about being fat and wanting to lose weight but not doing anything about it and she didn't seem to be buying my usual response any way so out popped horrible honesty. Won't make that mistake again. We've talked about working out together but my gym is by my office (a fortyfive minute drive away) and I work out at a long lunch or after work. We bought a weight bench for home, I even got tghose crappy butterfly attachment things for her since she said she needed them but she hasn't touched it. We also have a spin bike but it sits unsed. I'm hoping to start going on walks in the evening soon. The weather is getting nice and it will be a bit of exercise plus more quality time together. BTW, she has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do so I know she can muster up discipline, she just needs motivation or something. Either way I'd like to see her happy as she is or if not change something to find that happiness. I'll love her no matter what.

My woman kept be-atchin about being fat. I got fed up and told her to do something about it or shut up. She's already lost 32# with weight watchers and she works out at least twice a week.

She feels better about herself and doesn't whine to me as much, which makes me feel better too.

Tough love baby

If you haven't already told her you might want to tell her about how you felt about getting and being fat. Some times blunt honesty is the best.

True story: A long time ago my x was dead set that she needed a boob job. She has a 32b and I could not love them more. But since the girls in playboy and on tv (none of which I like) had big boobs the just assumed that that is what I really wanted and would leave her sooner or later for a big set of tits. Well I got sick of hearing about it since I would never do that. I sat her own and got out my porn stash. Over half of it was just pic that I had of her and stuff, the other half was of girls that looked physicaly just like her. We had a long talk and it came down to if you want biger boobs for your self I will suport you, but if you want them to please me you are going in the wrong fucking direction.

Yes that was blunt, but it worked.

Another thing that worked. She has put on some weight, but in all the right places. Well she claims she is getting fat. Well I just reply, "you arn't but this is." And then I poke her with my hardon that poped up in the 30 seconds she was looking at her ass in the miror. Now she does that just to get a rise out of me. ;)

Dude, I've found for women it is more what they eat than what they exercise. She should try weight watchers - it really works and she will learn to change eating habits, not fail time after time with quack fad diets.

You sound like you are learning some marriage lessons the hard way. Men actually mean what they say most of the time. It is not usually safe for women to "read into" what we say. You should try to tell her this and make her understand it. Women typically can't understand this because they aren't as simple and direct as guys. Not worse, just very different.
- Dude! NEver, NEVER NEVER say anything to a woman about her weight unless you want a shit storm. In this case though, I understand, because she seemed to have esteem and worth issues, etc.
- Her weight probably will get worse with age and marriage. If it bothers you much then think about it because that is more often what happens than the opposite. I know everyone is different and this might not apply in your case, but it is common.
- good luck to you. Remember one other important lesson: If she EVER says to you to not get her a present, etc. for b-day or v-day, etc. then say "yes dear" and get her a present anyway. If you don't then you will never live it down.. gotta run