I think Im being used....

[slimcr]

Yup, folks, I think Im being used by my girlfriend. Perhaps you read couple months ago about how wonderful everything was, how utterly perfect things were going along, etc etc etc...... I am now arriving at the conclusion that this has all been a farce and that she has used me this whole time to fill her needs.... Honestly I think Im a good guy and really try to care care of those I love. Thus, I will do anything for someone I love, and I mean anything, regardless of how difficult, how long it takes, how far away it is, etc etc etc. As I wrote on her christmas card, Ill do anything for you, if its impossible Ill still try.

She seems to enjoy all of the little things that I do for her or things that I give her but I am now arriving at the conclusion that she looks for me only when she needs something, even if that something is simply a kiss, or a hug.

I honestly feel like crap, I dont know what to do, I love her with all my heart and wish this simply would go away. If this is all true, Im possibly the dumbest guy to walk this earth.

Just thought Id share.

Thanks.

Slim

[Holo]

does she do things for you at all? Is she a money grubber or just clingy? she may just be guarded from past experience.

[Astrocloud]

Originally posted by slimcr
Yup, folks, I think Im being used by my girlfriend. Perhaps you read couple months ago about how wonderful everything was, how utterly perfect things were going along, etc etc etc...... I am now arriving at the conclusion that this has all been a farce and that she has used me this whole time to fill her needs....

Welcome to the club. I personally put women on pedistals and am consistently disappointed by their actions...

Personally, I would just keep looking for that "special one" -the one who won't use you.

[pinklily]

I think you should say this to her...if she doesn't realize how you feel than things are not going to get properly fixed. Voicing your needs might make her change her ways.

[slimcr]

holo, I guess the monetary aspect of it, its not like I give her money but all the nights out, the special things I do for her, and lately she had to move because of her job so Ive helped her out making the transition much easier and buying a couple of things she really needed like a small fridge and such...

[skysooner]

It is so easy to misinterpret actions. The whole situation might be a complete misunderstanding. It is very easy to feel used and not say anything about it (i.e. suffer in silence). What is hard is talking to her about it. A heart-to-heart talk with her where you are not trying to put her on the defensive is the only way you are going to be able to tell if she is genuine or not.

[aintyoboyfriend]

Originally posted by skysooner
It is so easy to misinterpret actions. The whole situation might be a complete misunderstanding. It is very easy to feel used and not say anything about it (i.e. suffer in silence). What is hard is talking to her about it. A heart-to-heart talk with her where you are not trying to put her on the defensive is the only way you are going to be able to tell if she is genuine or not.

I agree with this statement.

You have to talk about the way you feel with her, without accusing her of anything. Basically you have to take the blame for everything by telling her that is the way you feel.

Then you have to judge her reactions and the things that she says. The way she reacts will tell you the whole truth to the situation.

[Mephex]

I too felt used in my relationship. I was always there, doing the little things, trying to tell her I loved her by the things that I did, not "just" saying it, even though I did that too.

In retrospect, it shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't cause you pain, I feel that if you're not getting what you feel you deserve, just move on.

It's better to realize this and find someone that makes you happy, then to spend years of your life thinking things will get better.

You may just be in love with the woman you want her to be, not who she really is.

[ladyadmin]

Why do you feel used? Does she do anything special for you? Does she complain when you don't buy her things? What makes you think she's only looking at you for hugs/kisses only?

Communication is the most important key to understanding and clearing up any misunderstandings you may have with her or that she may have with you.

[lurkette]

I don't mean to be harsh, but if you're being used it's because you're letting yourself be used. If you're doing things for her with the expectation of certain actions in return, and you're not getting anything back, then you either need to make it clear to her that you do expect some reciprocity, or you need to find someone who does give back to you. Staying around and being a kicked puppy about it is not a valid option.

How much of your identity is built around giving and caring for other people?

[slimcr]

lurkette, Im not doing anything expecting something in return, the little things I do I do them because I love them, however Im beginning to notice that she's only interested when she needs something. This can be as simple as, if she needs a hug, she looks for me, or if she needs a kiss, or sex, she looks for me. If she needs a ride somewhere, she looks for me or now with her moving about 2 1/2 hours away, she's looked for me because she knows she doesnt even has to ask for something, if she needs it, I'll get it for her.

As far as it being my fault, its my fault for caring but thats just who I am. If someone/something needs help and I can provide it I'm always there. Its not like I do it to show her I love her, Im always there for my friends, family and pretty much anyone I care about, including the dogs and cats at the pound I feel so much love for her and thought the same was coming my way that I honestly feel devastated by all this. Its funny how love can mess with our heads so much but I just truly cannot see beyond her at this point. I hope I'm wrong I hope I'm wrong I hope I'm wrong. This is the one time in my life I hope I am dead wrong.

[RenaissanceII]

What about codependance? Enabling?
lurkette wrote:

How much of your identity is built around giving and caring for other people?

Is she codependant? If so, are you enabling her codependance?

[slimcr]

Is she codependent? No I dont believe so.

[digme]

get out. take a break. DONT CALL HER FIRST.

Then, go out, have a good time, talk to new girls.

if, after a month, SHE CALLS YOU FIRST, and you feel like you've missed her, give it a try again.

[skysooner]

The way you describe the relationship doesn't sound bad to me. Most of a good relationship is built around giving to each other. If for some reason, she is not giving then you shouldn't be in the relationship. My wife and I are to the point where we just give and give to each other without even thinking about it. We don't tally points or anything like that. However, it takes awhile to get to that point. Don't misinterpret her comfortableness (or possibly her taking the relationship for a little granted) to kill it. You absolutely have to talk to her about your feelings.

[ariekitten]

it's so sad how all the sweet/good guys get used and all the girls who wouldn't use a guy can't find a good guy because they're all taken and being used! *sigh* good luck, man, hang in there.

[illesturban]

^ so, so, so true! it sucks for us good guys out there. it's so funny how girls claim they want a "good guy" yet for the most part go for the "bad boys" only. it's a shame... a damn shame...

[slimcr]

i called her last night after i got home from work, talked for a bit and then tried to ask her if she was ok, she had seemed somewhat serious the last couple of days and she basically tried to downplay it, saying im so adorable, always worrying that shes ok and something about not giving it too much thought....

at the same time though, she never did say she loved me, missed me or anything else that kinda hints at caring for me

[skysooner]

That's not a good sign imho. She might just be stressed after the move, but I would think she would be more prone to be affectionate in that case.

[Bleed Me Dry]

I know how you feel only I'm a woman who has gotten used by a man in the past. To the best of my knowledge it wasn't for sex, but for whatever he thought he needed emotionally for himself at the time. Niether of us noticed until we sat down and talked about it. Promptly after that we broke off a 2 1/2 year relationship.

My advice: Communication is key. Unless you are straight forward and ask you'll never know, and either will she.

[slimcr]

Bleed me Dry, tonight I will call her again and we will talk, fo shizzle this has to be talked about right now.

I will report back what I find tomorrow. Wish me luck guys, I really like this girl.

[slimcr]

ITS OVER.

[Mephex]

Originally posted by slimcr
ITS OVER.

Damn, sorry man. Maybe it's for the best.

[motdakasha]

Sorry it didn't work out between you two, but you'll survive, right? You deserve to be appreciated.

Originally posted by slimcr
if she needs it, I'll get it for her.

If she's not giving back, then there is no point to the relationship because it is pretty much guaranteed not to progress into anything else other than her taking. Relationships are about both taking and giving. You don't always have to give and take 50%, but as long as it balances out in the long run, you've got something going. So, if she doesn't also give, i.e. make an effort to do something for you (her presence making you happy doesn't count), then it's time to get out of the relationship.

Not sure if this is helpful to you, but here is a snippet from the chapter in my human sexuality textbook about relationships:
The chapter opens with a formula for relationships, called the ABCDEs. A-Attraction, B-Building, C-Continuation, D-Deterioration, E-Ending.

The D's--Deterioration

Deterioration is the fourth stage of a relationship. It is not necessarily a stage that we seek, and it is certainly not an inevitability. Positive factors that can deter or slow deterioration include putting time and energy into the relationship, striving to cultivate the relationship, and showing patience--for example, giving the relationship a reasonable opportunity to improve. Negative factors that foster deterioration include failure to invest time and energy in the relationship, deciding to put an end to it, and simply permitting deterioration to proceed unchecked.

A relationship begins to deteriorate when one or both partners deem the relationship to be less enticing or rewarding than it has been. Couples who work toward maintaining and enhancing their relationships, however, may find that these become stronger and more meaningful.

More quotes:

"Active means of response include doing something that may enhance the relationship (such as working on improving communication skills, negotiating differences, or seeking professional help) or making a decision to end the relationship. Passive methods of responding are basically characterized by waiting for something to happen--by just doing nothing."

"It is irrational (and damaging to a relationship) to assume that suitable relationships require no investment of time and effort."

[Iliftrocks]

Sorry dude, just keep on keepin on and you'll land one that appreciates ya

[iceburn]

I'm sorry, the same thing happened to me 3 relationships over, gradually worse each time. When you really KNOW what heart break is like, you'll find you don't really fuck around the next time. You'll be able to tell where the relationship is going, and you'll know what you want & you don't want. It's hard to describe. It's really important to be loving & caring in relationships, but you've also got to be tough & look out for yourself.

[skysooner]

It sucks right now but ultimately it is for the best. It would have sucked to have wasted more time on her if she didn't feel the same way.

[slimcr]

thank you all for the kind words, I think my whole group of friends is ready to open up cans of whoopass on her after whats happened. Its funny because every says how much I should just forget about her, how shes just used me, how she doesnt deserve to have me, etc etc....yet Id love the phone to ring and hear her voice, I really do.....

Its hard but as youve said, it might be the best thing. I love her though, and its hard.

[wilbjammin]

I love her though, and its hard.

When you start questioning why you love her, and focus on those short-comings it will be easier to let go.

[Johnny Rotten]

Originally posted by slimcr
yet Id love the phone to ring and hear her voice, I really do.....

It gets better in time, if you let it and don't give in. Invest your time in your friends, a good book or two, and your creative outlets. That opens the door for much better opportunities, and closes the door on the past.

From my experince no women wants to be put on a pedistal. Where is the challenge and excitment for her if she knows she can take whatever she wants from you. I would strike out all the time using that attitude.