Parker

I found out that one of my friends is cheating on his wife and no one else knows except me. Also, my wife is good friends with his. What do I do? Do I tell my wife? Do I tell his wife? Or do I keep my mouth shut and hope that he gets caught. Also, to add another twist, he has two kids. Do I destroy there lives with this info.? I need some advice.

Thanks.

denim

If anyone is destroying anything, it's your friend. Have you spoken with him about this? I don't know if it's a good idea or not, I just wonder if you've already done it.

emphant

No, you don't say anything. Especially to your wife. Obviously, she will tell. I say just be quiet and hope he stops on his own.

lurkette

I'm torn about this one - I'm generally of the "mind your own business" school about these things, but I think Denim's right - if there's anybody you should talk to about it, it's your friend.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Holo

I'm going to give you advice as a man. This may not be the best thing, but I'll say it anyway.

Let your friend handle his business. He's made the decision to cheat and it's not really your place to step in and snitch on him. I know many here will disagree with me but if you snitch on a friend, especially in a sexual capacity, you're not only saying in effect that you don't respect his decisions, but you also don't repspect his ability to handle his business. Plus you'll be a cock-blocker on top of it all. I'm just saying guys telling on guys cheating is generally a bad bad idea. It may be tough, and you may want to talk with him one on one about it, but I advise you not to snitch on him unless you don't care about the friendship any longer.

There's my advice and many won't agree, but it's only one angle. Good luck.

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I happen to like the words "fuck", "cock", "pussy", "tits", "cunt", "twat", "shit" and even "bitch". As long as I am not using them to describe you, don't go telling me whether or not I can/should use them...that is, if you want me to continue refraining from using them to describe you. ~Prince

Rodney

Apparently nearly everyone agrees. Talk to _him._ In this society today, there's too much of "Well, it's his business, I'll stay out of it, I won't call him on it." It's very hard, but if you disapprove of what a friend is doing you should tell him so, and why. Maybe he won't be your friend anymore, but by saying nothing you're tacitly agreeing with what he's doing.

Past that point, I wouldn't go. I agree not to tell his wife. Now if he were getting ready to run away with some other woman and take the checking account balance with him, then I'd tell his wife because he'd be hurting his kids, too, and things couldn't possibly get worse by telling. But only if something like that was on the table.

tisonlyi

Tell him you know.

Thats all you do.

Anything else you'll be doing for yourself, not for him or his wife.

Also, you really have no right to judge him at all.

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"I do not agree that the dog in a manger has the final right to the manger even though he may have lain there for a very long time. I do not admit that right. I do not admit for instance, that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. I do not admit that a wrong has been done to these people by the fact that a stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race to put it that way, has come in and taken their place." - Winston Churchill, 1937 --{ORLY?}--

vveronica

best way is to tell your friend and say you know. If he asks you not to say anything, say "i dont know I can not say anything, I'll try but, i dont lie to MY wife... I cant promise someone is not going to hear it." That might get him at least to stop...

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StephenSa

Having been in a similiar situation I'll pass on what I did, for what its worth. I told the person that was cheating (she was my best friend) that I knew and that while I wouldn't volunteer the information to her husband I wanted to be in no way involved in her subterfuge. I also stated that if specifically asked by her husband I wouldn't lie. I told her these things generally come out in the end and the sooner she broke it off the less likely she was to destroy her marriage if she had any intention of trying to save it. As it turned out she continued, the husband found out, they got a divorce and went their own ways. It was sad but they both seem happier now. I'm glad I didn't get dragged into the whole thing. I've been able to stay friends with them both, though my trust level and respect for the cheating wife has dropped considerably. Don't know if this helps, but its one "real-life" example of your sort of situation. Good luck.

tec-9-7

Unless you actually saw the friend porking this other woman, you don't know, you only strongly suspect. I think you are within bounds if you speak to the friend about what you suspect, since it involves him - to gossip w/ others about suspicions, even if they are strong, and even if it's with your wife, is wrong and it's doubly so if it is destructive to others. Were it me, I'd speak to him, but ask him NOT to confirm or deny the cheating - if he tells you, then you do know for sure... Tough situation.

Parker

tec-9-7,
Unfortunally I did hear the act and I saw him kissing another women.

Everyone that posted,
I am going to approach him today and hope for the best. I appreciate the support from everyone and thank you for your points of view.

powerclown

keepa you mouf shut.

1. its nunya business
2. you will ruin your friendship with him
3. you will ruin their relationship
4. you will ruin your wifes relationship with her
5. its nunya business

no good can come of it. none. shush.

if blackmail is your intent, nail the bastard hard.

Plan9Senior

This is not your problem nor your business. Let it run its course on its own. Getting yourself involved (even by talking to your friend) is not your place. He will come to you if he feels he needs your advice. Getting involved just adds you in the mix of their problems. If it is going to be too tough for you to handle not getting involved then you best withdraw yourself from them alltogether.

skysooner

Talking to him is the best idea. Sometimes cheaters do it because they are wired that way. Sometimes it is a cry for help because their relationship isn't where they would want it to be. Guys aren't very good at talking to each other about problems, so sometimes they can fall easily for someone with a sympathetic ear. Most people really have no idea about how to conduct a successful relationship, and if he is having relationship problems he might see no way out or how to fix it. You might be able to help or you might not. Beyond telling him you know and offering to maybe listen to his problems, I would stay out of it as much as possible however as you have your own relationship to think of.

My mom had major issues with alcoholism in her marriage to my dad. She had been abused as a child, and it messed her up. They still could have made it if they had really talked about stuff instead of her bottling it up and her cheating.

Mango

hmmm

ratbastid

Here's the thing. How will you react when your wife says, "You know, my friend has started to suspect that her husband is up to something on the side." In a circumstance like that, silence is a lie. So what you're biting off here is: are you willing to lie to your wife to cover your friend's ass?

I can't answer that for you. The answer for me is NO.

bonehed1

Don't tell the wife...talk with your friend about it and convince him to stop if you can....if worse gets to worse the wife will find out for herself and that will be the end of it but it may come back to bite you in the ass if you keep your mouth shut. They may try to blame you for not saying anything and then its your fault....Seen it happen and it sucks

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Stuff is Good

SecretMethod70

eh, unless he's also cheated on his wife, sure he does.

Exactly. Not saying you should tell your wife now, but if she asks, I don't see how you couldn't be honest with her about it.

I'd talk to your friend. Not his wife or anything like that, but talk to him - and in a freindly way. Mention you heard/saw them and ask why he's doing it. Don't speak to him judgingly, but rather to seek to understand. Once you understand the reasons, then you acn help your friend rectify the situation in an amicable manner.

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

SiN

^ best advice.

good luck, and keep us updated.

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tenchi069

I'm not saying this is what YOU should do, I am just saying what I would do in that situation. If i found out a "friend" of mine were cheating on his wife or SO, I would tell him he should be a man and grow up. Either tell his wife/gf that he f***ed up and ask for forgiveness, or if he wants to be a single guy in the dating scene to break it off. Cheating is the coward's way out. It shows no respect or caring for the person in the relationship you are in.

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:::OshnSoul:::

Listen, no offense to what others have said on here- what you need to do is ask yourself what feels right, even though it may risk the friendship at least temporarily.
I sense much care for your friend and everyone else around, you will know what to do.
Listen to your heart and follow it.

But your friend is not considering the damage to the kids. That will affect them the most.

Sparhawk

Don't lie, and if you're friend asks you to, you know what kind of friend he is.

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Yalaynia

I would be honest with your friend. You caught him in the act so in some way you are involed. I would confront him, he is your friend and might be willing to talk. Explain to him what you saw and how you feel towards it. Dont make threats that you are going to tell, but dont deny the fact that if you are confronted with the question is he cheating you are going to say yes. Who knows if he hears that you arent going to cover for him then he might just stop. Hes not just hurting his family but everyone around him as well.

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I couldnt think of anything to put here , but I guess anything would do

denim

OTOH: A friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a body. (evil grin)

raeanna74

If you do talk to your friend and don't intend to say anything at this time about it to his wife or your wife then you need to do one thing - Make sure your friend knows that you don't want to see anything more like this. He may think that now that you know and aren't telling on him then he can be more open about it with you. That will put you in a worse place than before. Make sure that he knows that you don't want to be made "party to the crime" and if he doesn't respect that you will have to cover your own butt. Most affairs end only when they are uncovered. This guy will keep doing this until his wife catches him. In which case - if you are in the know about this deal you'll catch trouble too. You are just making sure this doesn't go too long.

Personally I would suggest, 1. Talk to your friend. Tell him he needs to stop. When/if he doesn't. 2. Talk to your wife. then 3. Go together to talk to his wife. She has a right to know. She will be hurt eventually if he has already refused to stop. She will hold it against you for not helping them. They may thank you for saving their marriage.

If the guy is truely cheating there's probably a big problem in their marriage somewhere. If you just let things play out the problem will become worse until there's no hope. The sooner this is out the better it is for them. Chances are it will come out eventually. You are just getting it over with. Don't torture yourself for this man's indiscretions.

If I were this man's wife - I would want the chance to stop things before they got too deep. If my marriage was still unsalvagable - I would want the chance not to waste possibly years on a man who was cheating on me.

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My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

santafe5000

I've been in the exact same position as you and will say, Keep your mouth shut, don't say a thing to anyone. If you broach the matter with anyone you will regret it. You will alienate both parties and become embroiled in what could be a nasty court fight. I casually mentioned the problem to my wife and, of course she told his wife and both lawyers supeonaed me for the hearing. I for one, will never doo that again.

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When all else fails, QUIT.

Prince

Well, a woman's advice in this case would most likely be to tell your wife and the man's wife. Because she "has the right to know". And she may have the right to know, but you do not have the right to tell her.

But, being a man, I wouldn't even dream about getting involved in this mess. The thought that the man and his wife would thank you somewhere down the road for saving their marriage...that seems more like something out of a Barbara Cartland novel. Realistically, their marriage is their business, period.

Your friend may not have told you about it, but you are still bound by something called trust, and loyalty, in a friendship. He hasn't told you = you don't know. And you sure as heck don't tell.

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Who is John Galt?

FallenAvatar

Tell your friend to either tell his wife, or you do it yourself if he won't. Cheating is a crime in my view, he should be able to live up to the concequences. If he can't tell his wife then she should know some other way.

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Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

denim

In which case, what kind of friend is he?

The discussion in here seems to me to be similar to where Parker started: he's torn. We've ended up agreeing with how he's torn. No?

Wish I had a good answer, guy.

Zorvox

Kick ur mates arse and tell him to get his shit into gear.

Blackthorn

I agree with most of the sentiment in this thread in that it's only an issue between you and your friend. If he's really your friend then you should be able to have a conversation with him about this and how it makes you feel. Beyond that if you go anwhere else with it (other than your priest) you will cause more harm than good. It will likely be uncovered anyway and when that happens it won't be pinned on you for being the snitch. The cheater will get caught. It's alway a matter of time.

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What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?

Strange Famous

I would advise you to stay out of it, and dont let anyone know what you know.

Interfering in matters of the heart nearly always leads to trouble, and no one will be grateful to you for telling him.

if you really feel you must let the guy know, do it anon.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

wilbjammin

This is why I take special efforts to establish myself as someone who "does the right thing" (Always do the right thing, Mookie!)... I try to make it clear that I'm always going to be honest with all of my friends about what I think they're doing well and not-so-well in their lives. This doesn't mean that I tell them what to do, I just say "I don't like the decision you are making because ____." When people know that about me, it isn't awkward to approach them. Not that it will help you out much in this situation, but it is something to consider.

In this case I'd say you'd have to go to the guy, because he is the one making the decision that you don't like.

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Innominate.

motdakasha

If you keep silent about it and he's found out by his wife. She will likely tell your wife and your wife will wonder why you didn't tell her. Which may or may not develop trust issues between you and your wife. I'm just saying that's a possibility.

If you are honest with someone, him or your wife, at least you made some effort and maybe you didn't taddletale, but you were at least trying to be honest. You don't have to announce to his wife or anything that he's having an affair, but if you tell someone, your ass is covered from his mistake. Think of is as a crime (and well, cheating is against the law). A friend tells you he murdered someone, he's caught in court. You get dragged into court because you've become an accomplice or conspirator to commit a crime or whatever. "Well, I didn't do anything." That's exactly why you've become a conspirator. So, anyways..
If you tell him, at least you tried to steer him in the right direction. If you tell your wife, at least you were honest with her. Even if you don't want to be a part of this, you are. You shouldn't just be concerned with the plight of your friend, but now you also have to concern yourself with how it's going to look when his wife does find out. It's up to you to do something good, if at all--or risk becoming a bad guy, too.

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BA Psychology & Photography
(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

wilbjammin

Yes, exactly, I don't want to go through life feeling guilty for other's poor decisions. If you feel torn about it, the best thing to do about it is something.

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Innominate.

Plan9Senior

Great quote! I love it

ubertuber

Is there any chance at all that there is some sort of open relationship going on here that you don't know about?

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Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

motdakasha

In which case, he's not cheating. However, based on the description it sounds like he means what he says, "cheating."

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=^-^= motdakasha =^-^=
Just Google It.
BA Psychology & Photography
(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

Parker

Thank you for the advice. I talked with my friend about what I saw and heard. Initially, he was a jackass and started to deny everything. Then, he started to come clean about the whole situation and was thinking about Divorce. I told him that, that was the easy way out and his wife and kids deserve better. I told him that I would help him out anyway that I can, but I would not lie to his wife if asked. Then I told him that the clock is ticking and he better make up his mind on what he wants to do with his marriage. I left my conversation with that and I would follow up with him if he needed to talk. It is just an all around bad situation.

denim

I think you did the right thing. But in what way is the clock ticking?