Cheating need advice
 

I found out that one of my friends is cheating on his wife and no one else knows except me. Also, my wife is good friends with his. What do I do? Do I tell my wife? Do I tell his wife? Or do I keep my mouth shut and hope that he gets caught. Also, to add another twist, he has two kids. Do I destroy there lives with this info.? I need some advice.

Thanks.

If anyone is destroying anything, it's your friend. Have you spoken with him about this? I don't know if it's a good idea or not, I just wonder if you've already done it.

No, you don't say anything. Especially to your wife. Obviously, she will tell. I say just be quiet and hope he stops on his own.

I'm torn about this one - I'm generally of the "mind your own business" school about these things, but I think Denim's right - if there's anybody you should talk to about it, it's your friend.

I'm going to give you advice as a man. This may not be the best thing, but I'll say it anyway.

Let your friend handle his business. He's made the decision to cheat and it's not really your place to step in and snitch on him. I know many here will disagree with me but if you snitch on a friend, especially in a sexual capacity, you're not only saying in effect that you don't respect his decisions, but you also don't repspect his ability to handle his business. Plus you'll be a cock-blocker on top of it all. I'm just saying guys telling on guys cheating is generally a bad bad idea. It may be tough, and you may want to talk with him one on one about it, but I advise you not to snitch on him unless you don't care about the friendship any longer.

There's my advice and many won't agree, but it's only one angle. Good luck.

Apparently nearly everyone agrees. Talk to _him._ In this society today, there's too much of "Well, it's his business, I'll stay out of it, I won't call him on it." It's very hard, but if you disapprove of what a friend is doing you should tell him so, and why. Maybe he won't be your friend anymore, but by saying nothing you're tacitly agreeing with what he's doing.

Past that point, I wouldn't go. I agree not to tell his wife. Now if he were getting ready to run away with some other woman and take the checking account balance with him, then I'd tell his wife because he'd be hurting his kids, too, and things couldn't possibly get worse by telling. But only if something like that was on the table.

Tell him you know.

Thats all you do.

Anything else you'll be doing for yourself, not for him or his wife.

Also, you really have no right to judge him at all.

best way is to tell your friend and say you know. If he asks you not to say anything, say "i dont know I can not say anything, I'll try but, i dont lie to MY wife... I cant promise someone is not going to hear it." That might get him at least to stop...

Having been in a similiar situation I'll pass on what I did, for what its worth. I told the person that was cheating (she was my best friend) that I knew and that while I wouldn't volunteer the information to her husband I wanted to be in no way involved in her subterfuge. I also stated that if specifically asked by her husband I wouldn't lie. I told her these things generally come out in the end and the sooner she broke it off the less likely she was to destroy her marriage if she had any intention of trying to save it. As it turned out she continued, the husband found out, they got a divorce and went their own ways. It was sad but they both seem happier now. I'm glad I didn't get dragged into the whole thing. I've been able to stay friends with them both, though my trust level and respect for the cheating wife has dropped considerably. Don't know if this helps, but its one "real-life" example of your sort of situation. Good luck.

Unless you actually saw the friend porking this other woman, you don't know, you only strongly suspect. I think you are within bounds if you speak to the friend about what you suspect, since it involves him - to gossip w/ others about suspicions, even if they are strong, and even if it's with your wife, is wrong and it's doubly so if it is destructive to others. Were it me, I'd speak to him, but ask him NOT to confirm or deny the cheating - if he tells you, then you do know for sure... Tough situation.

tec-9-7,
Unfortunally I did hear the act and I saw him kissing another women.

Everyone that posted,
I am going to approach him today and hope for the best. I appreciate the support from everyone and thank you for your points of view.

For the love of god,
 

keepa you mouf shut.

1. its nunya business
2. you will ruin your friendship with him
3. you will ruin their relationship
4. you will ruin your wifes relationship with her
5. its nunya business

no good can come of it. none. shush.

if blackmail is your intent, nail the bastard hard.

This is not your problem nor your business. Let it run its course on its own. Getting yourself involved (even by talking to your friend) is not your place. He will come to you if he feels he needs your advice. Getting involved just adds you in the mix of their problems. If it is going to be too tough for you to handle not getting involved then you best withdraw yourself from them alltogether.

Talking to him is the best idea. Sometimes cheaters do it because they are wired that way. Sometimes it is a cry for help because their relationship isn't where they would want it to be. Guys aren't very good at talking to each other about problems, so sometimes they can fall easily for someone with a sympathetic ear. Most people really have no idea about how to conduct a successful relationship, and if he is having relationship problems he might see no way out or how to fix it. You might be able to help or you might not. Beyond telling him you know and offering to maybe listen to his problems, I would stay out of it as much as possible however as you have your own relationship to think of.

My mom had major issues with alcoholism in her marriage to my dad. She had been abused as a child, and it messed her up. They still could have made it if they had really talked about stuff instead of her bottling it up and her cheating.

hmmm

Here's the thing. How will you react when your wife says, "You know, my friend has started to suspect that her husband is up to something on the side." In a circumstance like that, silence is a lie. So what you're biting off here is: are you willing to lie to your wife to cover your friend's ass?

I can't answer that for you. The answer for me is NO.

Don't tell the wife...talk with your friend about it and convince him to stop if you can....if worse gets to worse the wife will find out for herself and that will be the end of it but it may come back to bite you in the ass if you keep your mouth shut. They may try to blame you for not saying anything and then its your fault....Seen it happen and it sucks

eh, unless he's also cheated on his wife, sure he does.

Exactly. Not saying you should tell your wife now, but if she asks, I don't see how you couldn't be honest with her about it.

I'd talk to your friend. Not his wife or anything like that, but talk to him - and in a freindly way. Mention you heard/saw them and ask why he's doing it. Don't speak to him judgingly, but rather to seek to understand. Once you understand the reasons, then you acn help your friend rectify the situation in an amicable manner.

^ best advice.

good luck, and keep us updated.

I'm not saying this is what YOU should do, I am just saying what I would do in that situation. If i found out a "friend" of mine were cheating on his wife or SO, I would tell him he should be a man and grow up. Either tell his wife/gf that he f***ed up and ask for forgiveness, or if he wants to be a single guy in the dating scene to break it off. Cheating is the coward's way out. It shows no respect or caring for the person in the relationship you are in.

Listen, no offense to what others have said on here- what you need to do is ask yourself what feels right, even though it may risk the friendship at least temporarily.
I sense much care for your friend and everyone else around, you will know what to do.
Listen to your heart and follow it.

But your friend is not considering the damage to the kids. That will affect them the most.

Don't lie, and if you're friend asks you to, you know what kind of friend he is.

I would be honest with your friend. You caught him in the act so in some way you are involed. I would confront him, he is your friend and might be willing to talk. Explain to him what you saw and how you feel towards it. Dont make threats that you are going to tell, but dont deny the fact that if you are confronted with the question is he cheating you are going to say yes. Who knows if he hears that you arent going to cover for him then he might just stop. Hes not just hurting his family but everyone around him as well.

OTOH: A friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a body. (evil grin)

If you do talk to your friend and don't intend to say anything at this time about it to his wife or your wife then you need to do one thing - Make sure your friend knows that you don't want to see anything more like this. He may think that now that you know and aren't telling on him then he can be more open about it with you. That will put you in a worse place than before. Make sure that he knows that you don't want to be made "party to the crime" and if he doesn't respect that you will have to cover your own butt. Most affairs end only when they are uncovered. This guy will keep doing this until his wife catches him. In which case - if you are in the know about this deal you'll catch trouble too. You are just making sure this doesn't go too long.

Personally I would suggest, 1. Talk to your friend. Tell him he needs to stop. When/if he doesn't. 2. Talk to your wife. then 3. Go together to talk to his wife. She has a right to know. She will be hurt eventually if he has already refused to stop. She will hold it against you for not helping them. They may thank you for saving their marriage.

If the guy is truely cheating there's probably a big problem in their marriage somewhere. If you just let things play out the problem will become worse until there's no hope. The sooner this is out the better it is for them. Chances are it will come out eventually. You are just getting it over with. Don't torture yourself for this man's indiscretions.

If I were this man's wife - I would want the chance to stop things before they got too deep. If my marriage was still unsalvagable - I would want the chance not to waste possibly years on a man who was cheating on me.

I've been in the exact same position as you and will say, Keep your mouth shut, don't say a thing to anyone. If you broach the matter with anyone you will regret it. You will alienate both parties and become embroiled in what could be a nasty court fight. I casually mentioned the problem to my wife and, of course she told his wife and both lawyers supeonaed me for the hearing. I for one, will never doo that again.

Well, a woman's advice in this case would most likely be to tell your wife and the man's wife. Because she "has the right to know". And she may have the right to know, but you do not have the right to tell her.

But, being a man, I wouldn't even dream about getting involved in this mess. The thought that the man and his wife would thank you somewhere down the road for saving their marriage...that seems more like something out of a Barbara Cartland novel. Realistically, their marriage is their business, period.

Your friend may not have told you about it, but you are still bound by something called trust, and loyalty, in a friendship. He hasn't told you = you don't know. And you sure as heck don't tell.

Tell your friend to either tell his wife, or you do it yourself if he won't. Cheating is a crime in my view, he should be able to live up to the concequences. If he can't tell his wife then she should know some other way.

In which case, what kind of friend is he?

The discussion in here seems to me to be similar to where Parker started: he's torn. We've ended up agreeing with how he's torn. No?

Wish I had a good answer, guy.

Kick ur mates arse and tell him to get his shit into gear.

I agree with most of the sentiment in this thread in that it's only an issue between you and your friend. If he's really your friend then you should be able to have a conversation with him about this and how it makes you feel. Beyond that if you go anwhere else with it (other than your priest) you will cause more harm than good. It will likely be uncovered anyway and when that happens it won't be pinned on you for being the snitch. The cheater will get caught. It's alway a matter of time. :(

I would advise you to stay out of it, and dont let anyone know what you know.

Interfering in matters of the heart nearly always leads to trouble, and no one will be grateful to you for telling him.

if you really feel you must let the guy know, do it anon.

This is why I take special efforts to establish myself as someone who "does the right thing" (Always do the right thing, Mookie!)... I try to make it clear that I'm always going to be honest with all of my friends about what I think they're doing well and not-so-well in their lives. This doesn't mean that I tell them what to do, I just say "I don't like the decision you are making because ____." When people know that about me, it isn't awkward to approach them. Not that it will help you out much in this situation, but it is something to consider.

In this case I'd say you'd have to go to the guy, because he is the one making the decision that you don't like.

If you keep silent about it and he's found out by his wife. She will likely tell your wife and your wife will wonder why you didn't tell her. Which may or may not develop trust issues between you and your wife. I'm just saying that's a possibility.

If you are honest with someone, him or your wife, at least you made some effort and maybe you didn't taddletale, but you were at least trying to be honest. You don't have to announce to his wife or anything that he's having an affair, but if you tell someone, your ass is covered from his mistake. Think of is as a crime (and well, cheating is against the law). A friend tells you he murdered someone, he's caught in court. You get dragged into court because you've become an accomplice or conspirator to commit a crime or whatever. "Well, I didn't do anything." That's exactly why you've become a conspirator. So, anyways..
If you tell him, at least you tried to steer him in the right direction. If you tell your wife, at least you were honest with her. Even if you don't want to be a part of this, you are. You shouldn't just be concerned with the plight of your friend, but now you also have to concern yourself with how it's going to look when his wife does find out. It's up to you to do something good, if at all--or risk becoming a bad guy, too.

Yes, exactly, I don't want to go through life feeling guilty for other's poor decisions. If you feel torn about it, the best thing to do about it is something.

Great quote! I love it :D

Is there any chance at all that there is some sort of open relationship going on here that you don't know about?

In which case, he's not cheating. However, based on the description it sounds like he means what he says, "cheating."

Thank you for the advice. I talked with my friend about what I saw and heard. Initially, he was a jackass and started to deny everything. Then, he started to come clean about the whole situation and was thinking about Divorce. I told him that, that was the easy way out and his wife and kids deserve better. I told him that I would help him out anyway that I can, but I would not lie to his wife if asked. Then I told him that the clock is ticking and he better make up his mind on what he wants to do with his marriage. I left my conversation with that and I would follow up with him if he needed to talk. It is just an all around bad situation.

I think you did the right thing. But in what way is the clock ticking?

OK first off, let me say that Parker I believe you did the right thing, and from the sounds of it, you handled it very well.

Holo,
I read your reply and have to disagree slightly with what you said about him "not respecting his decisions." What is that!? I mean come on, obviously Parker is friends with this guy AND his wife, and probably greatly respects BOTH of them and doesn't want to see his friend make a decision that he is not only making for himself, but also for his wife and his two children...and that's the end of a marriage. If he is unhappy with his marital situation he should end it without cheating. As a child of divorce based partially on a cheating situation, I know it tears a family apart.

Parker I don't blame you for being concerned; good job.

Hmm.. tough one. You tell your wife, she tells your friends wife, friend gets pissed... You keep quiet, the friend's wife may somehow find out, your wife may find out you knew the entire time, you might be in the doghouse. You're definitely in a position that I do not envy. Personally, I'd keep quiet and like you said, hope that your friend gets caught. Your wife may get pissed if she finds out that you knew, but that's something you two can recover from. At least you won't be betraying your friendship.

My experience tells me this: If your "friend" does not value his marriage and his family by hitting other shit than his wife, i wonder just how much this individual values your friendship, be careful regarding this guy. If you did not know he was cheating, then yeah, it wouldnt really be your business, but since you know, all i can offer up is that you must act accordingly and follow your gut in this situation. Unfortunately, you friend has made his infidelity your business by informing you about this. When the shit hits the fan, and I guarantee it will, you will be questioned about this. Good Luck. Just my $0.02.

p.s. I am of the assumption that he told you about this. If he didnt and you found out from another source, being his friend will subject you to the third degree.

Parker, you should mind YOUR business. Pretend you didnt see it and distance yourself from your friend. If he had the balls to slip and let you find out knowing you cant stomach this then he isnt the type of friend you need around you. Analyze the history..how long the wives have been friends..how long you and he have been friends. In the end if he let you find out you shold tell him you dont want to see those kind of things.

Dont wreck his home..let him wreck it himself. Sometimes being the rat has to be rationalized to the max.

That's why I said advice "as a man", like Man to Man. There are things men (especially friends) don't do to each other. One is not snitching on him to his wife. Men have rules among them and male relationships depend on these rules due to the lack of intimacy between males. He can try talking to his friend about it, tell him he thinks he's fucking up, but then he's gotta back off and let his friend handle his business. Male friendships are a very tenous thing, and no guy likes his friend snitching on him, even if he's wrong. That's what I meant.



I'm a divorce kid too, and my dad cheated as well, but it didn't destroy the home on it's own. Cheating is just a symptom of a diseased relationship. It alone doesn't hurt the kids. Everything that leads up to cheating does: the fighting , the silences, the little digs at the dinner table right in front of you, one parent telling you private shit about the other, and putting you in the middle when they won't speak to one another. That's what destroys children. Not your dad going and fucking someone that you have no idea about since most kids don't keep up on their parent's sex lives. His friend obviously isn't happy in his marriage and should prolly try and work it out, but he isn't. It's up to him, you make the choice for him he'll resent you.

I think you made the right decision Parker.

Fact is, if he was unhappy and wanted a divorse, he could have done the proper thing and started proceedings to get a divorse. Plus, he's only fucking himself. If his cheating is found out and brought up in court, it's gonna ruin him a bit worse than from leaving his wife because of "irreconcilable differences" or something else.

You don't need to be the one to reveal his cheating, but you should let him know he could of chose a much better solution.

(Also, after what you told us that your friend said, it kind of sounds to me like every cheating guy who tells his mistress, "I'm gonna leave her, it's just a matter of time.")

Two words....Plausible Deniability...Live by it, keep your nose clean.

I have been in this EXACT situation. I had a friend who had 3 kids and was cheating on his wife.

Stay out of it. If you snitch, then you just lost a friend be tearing apart the family, and you look like the bad guy.

If you don't say anything and let things just run it's course and he destroys his own family by getting caught then he has noone to blame but himself.

When I say stay out of it, I mean stay out of everything related to it. Don't become an accomplice to his cheating either. Don't lie for him, or cover for him either. I made it very clear to my friend that I am not going to snitch on him. I do disagree with what he is doing, but I am not going to judge him. This is his decision, and his issue to resolve, not mine.

I will neither become his accomplice by helping him, nor would I get involved by snitching. I just stayed out of it. I suggest you do the same. You will be able to stay in good graces with everyone and you could deny you knew anything about it in the end...

Just to keep everyone updated. My friend's wife found out last night and the shit hit the fan. That idiot also told his wife that I knew, so now she and my wife are pissed off at me also. He has been dodging me, because I am going to kick the shit out of him. So I learned a lot about my so called friend, instead of just taking the heat like a man. He decides to bring me down with the ship. I am pretty sure that his wife is going to divorce him, but she has not made up her mind. I will let you know more, but I am not sure if anything will happen soon. I only thing that will happen soon is me beating the shit out of him.

Proud of yourself, now?? :rolleyes:

And why would you do this? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

You're making this shit up, right?

Are you unclear on the concept? His "friend" sold him out.

First of all, I am can not believe that someone would think that I am making this up. It is something that I am not proud of knowing. I came to everyone with advice and I think that everyone should know how it turned out. This is my last post on this topic.

Parker, don't go away mad. I don't think powerclown got the gist of what was going on - his comment doesn't really make sense in the context of what you just told us about your "friend." And nobody thinks you're making this up - hard as it is to believe anybody could be as dumb and disloyal as your friend is, we all know someone who really IS that dumb and disloyal. Unfortunately. Sorry you got caught in the middle.

Seen this situation before, first hand...
Keep your mouth shut.

How do you know his friend sold him out? Recall his original comment:
How could she have found out, if he was the only one who knew?

Well, I would just say from this point forward that you were trying to get him to come clean, that you didn't want to do it for him. You should be happy that it is all in the open now, it isn't your issue anymore... there is transparency and life can go on.

Because I read the rest of the thread. Did you?

I think you should definetly counsel for staying with his wife. I personally would have said keep your mouth shut, but that line has been crossed...might as well play damage control right now.

He said himself that no-one else knew his friend was cheating on his wife except him.

Logical conclusion?
1. She found out her hubby was cheating.
2. Only Parker knew he was cheating on her.
3. So, unless hubby told wifey, or wifey caught hubby, or the homewrecking slut told wifey...what else is there?

If you read the rest of the thread, you'd know.

You're right, I probably still wouldn't know what happened, even if I read it a dozen times. For all I know, the whole story could be complete BS.

Whoa... chill out a bit... there's no reason for this to get hostile. Parker asked for advice regarding a problem, people gave it, he acted on it, and let us know what happened. This kind of thing doesn't stay secret for very long, anyway-who knows how the wife found out. It just seems to me that the accusations are a bit uncalled for. Keep it friendly...