toxic515

This entire thread has a huge problem, like many philisophical discussions, of semantics...

What is "cheating"? What is "in love" and what is "in a relationship"

For the simple sake of continuing the discussion, can we all agree that cheating is breaking the bond of trust (contract) formed in a relationship?

Love, well, that is an entirely new thread for the philosophy board, but for the moment lets define that simply as a commited sexually active relationship with an individual (other than ones-self you narcissists out there) and...

Relationship means something like a spoken or unspoken understanding that the two individuals are committed to continuing to associate for emotional and other enjoyment....?

If we can...

Nope, never cheated.

It's all about the contract and how sex is associated with love in a given pair, group, whatever. As Mot put it, there is such a thing as polyamory (we love you ALL!). There are also swingers, who do not typically fall "in love" with their additional sex partners (it's all physical), and then there's cheaters (SHHHHHHH).

The fundamental difference involves nothing more than the breaking of a contract. If your contract forbids extra-curricular sexual relations, then you're cheating if you do. Most modern couples have accepted and expect that to be part of the unspoken agreement. One who understands that is OBLIGATED to clarify the issue should they intend or wish to deviate. It's sort of the standard contract when you commit to exclusivity, but so long as the agreement is voluntary by all parties, any way you choose to do it is valid.


An individual of integrity would NEVER "cheat"

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motdakasha

I'm with toxic on the need to define because the implication of the original post made it sound as if it were impossible to love two or more people simultaneously, or to maintain a committed relationship whilst having other sexual relationships. Clearly, polyamory (and swinging, and etc.) are examples that this is possible. Hence, the need for clarification.

And just a p.s. there is a such thing as cheating in polyamory but the definition varies greatly since the relationship agreements vary quite a lot.

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bonehed1

When my wife pisses me off I will go to my ex's house and frik her rotten. Don't get me wrong I love my wife but there are times where she just pushs way to many buttons. I am committed to her but I can only take so much.

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wry1

Have I ever cheated?.......No.

Have I ever been tempted?......No.

Have I ever looked at a woman and thought "wow"?.....Yep!

For me, love is a term which takes into account all sorts of emotions and thoughts; if I love somebody, my first desire is for them to be happy....whatever the cost may be to me. As a result, I have never had to deal with the "trap" questions, such as having my girlfriend point out a woman and say, "she's cute!"....because when I agree, it's with the full knowledge that I'm not going home with anybody other than my S.O.....and we both know it.

Of course there will be people who get my attention. Put a six-foot woman in a lime-green mohawk in my general area, and I'll notice! But still, I find that I don't give myself to others easily, so once I do I stay committed to that person.

But that's just me. I have a friend who couldn't keep it in his pants, and his wife found out about it....two nights ago. I guess she made quite the scene at the local bowling alley when she confronted him about it. The strange part about it all was that he used to go on and on about how he's fooling around, but also how he loves his wife so much. I feel for both of them, but let's face it: he was a dumbass.....

*Nikki*

I think a lot of over analyzing is going on here. The original topic before people tryed to define everything I said is quite simple and basic.

In this thread I am talking about the most common relationship that there is.

One between two people who claim to be in love with each other.

That might include a married couple or a dating couple.

Anything else is beyond the bounds of the question. I am not interested in a what a polygamist might have to say here. That is getting into a whole other conversation.

Of course how people define love is different for each individual. I think however to most the meaning is the same.

dendron

cheating is something I believe is one of the most vile things you can do ever. I hate cheaters.

primal

Once I had a very attractive naked girl in my bed trying to seduce me. I pushed her away and watched the tonight show. I was kicking my self (and questioning my sexualty) the whole time, but I resisted her. I was out of town and knew that my SO would never find out.
That's when I realised that I'd never cheat. I'm proud of myself for resisting but I still occasionally (when ever my wife makes me mad) wish I had hit it.

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Redgirl

Is that right, primal? Hmmmm....
Well let me tell you MY view on cheating... I've never been tempted. I get flirted with a lot and might even flirt back a little, but I have never met anyone who I liked more than primal.

We both have a history of cheating parents, so we made an agreement years ago that if we were ever that tempted we would cut each other loose before we would cheat. At least that way is fair.

If you love someone I don't think cheating should enter your mind.

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la petite moi

Cheating is never an 'option.' I made the mistake in thinking that, and I still feel bad for it.

guinnessgurl

I don't know what everyone else has to say on this topic, but I can tell you myself that I am in the most wonderful relationship of my life. I am completely and utterly in love with my boyfriend, but I have cheated on him in the past. Recently I was going through some really difficult times and I wanted to share with him what I'd done (not to ease my guilt, but because I didn't want his support through these times unless he truly knew who I was - I couldn't handle it).

We had a bit of a rough time after that, but have talked through it (a lot!) and he doesn't want to throw away what we have (and I broke out in tears and started hyperventilating every time I thought about life without him - that's how much I love him!)

So as it stands now, that is something that is completely behind us, an experience I have learned from and will never repeat, and we are happier than ever I would say. Amazingly enough, something like this really can make a bond between two people stronger. Not that I'm saying cheating is ok and people should do it if their relationship is rocky (to this day, I still don't have a reason for why I did what I did, it wasn't just about the sex, all I know is that every time I turned to this one guy, I was homesick for my boyfriend - we lived in different towns, now we live together - and I couldn't stop thinking about him. sounds crazy I know) because I still feel very strongly that cheating is wrong and there are never any excuses for it, but I can speak from experience and say that it doesn't always end in heartache.

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WarWagon

If you are really in love and meant to be together, the thought of cheating should never even cross your mind. It took me a while to realize that my former relationship was purely physical. In my current relationship, the woman I'm involved with is absolutely perfect for me in every way. There would be absolutely no reason or logic behind me cheating. Why settle for vending machine hamburger when you've already got the best steak in the world right in front of you?

guinnessgurl

I agree completely WarWagon, which is why I consider my indiscretions to be completly absurd, I honestly do not know why I did what I did. There was no reason or logic behind what I did....and my steak is prepared by the best chef in the world, I'll never settle for anything else!

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WarWagon

I'd just like to make note like mentioned earlier, that I think swinging is an entirely different concept all together. I do not disapprove of it in any way, and if a couple is able to be truly that unselfish and separate love and sex in that way, then their love is really stronger than most, and they are some of the most dedicated people out there.

doncalypso

All I know is that I believe in monogamy and fidelity, so no matter how rough things might get I would refrain from cheating even if the opportunity presented itself.

If I felt my girlfriend was neglecting me or not reating me right I would simply break off the relationship before seeking sex with someone else, and if she ever cheated on me I'd never take her back regardless of how much I love her or how much she'd claim she loves me because I believe that if someone cheats on you and you take them back they will cheat again since you've indirectly told them that you'll forgive them no matter what they do.

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doncalypso

I agree with you on that one.... I couldn't see myself ever trusting a woman if she'd cheated on a past boyfriend prior to meeting me.

I'd be afraid she'd do the same thing to me that she did to the ex, so I wouldn't take the chance of dating her.

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sexymama

Ex cheated once, I forgave him. But I was always suspiscious after that. Later on, I found out he cheated at least two more times.

If you love me, you won't have the need or desire to go out with another. Same, if I love you. Of course, that is love as a verb -- working on the relationship and keeping it "alive."

Cheating is definitely a sign of something wrong in the relationship.

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singledeuce

How can you be in love with a person you cheat on? Shouldn't you respect the one your with?

maleficent

If I had been asked this question 6 months ago, I'd say it's impossible, wouldn't happen. But the past six months I've watched two very good friends, who will hopefully still be a couple in the next six months.

People are human, mistakes can happen. Doesn't mean that the person who did the cheating doesn't love the person any less. It' just means that they are human and they made a huge mistake. (I never thought I would ever defend this person, but after spending time with them, I beleive it)

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