I'm in love with my best friend.
 

Bet you've never heard this problem before! (yeah, that's sarcasm)

I've had feelings for my best friend since the day I met her, several years ago. Over the years, those feelings have intensified to the point where I think about her constantly. I lust after her, but I think it's safe to say my feelings are much deeper than that. She is fully aware of my feelings, and does not share them. Further, I know that we could never work as a couple. We're both too stubborn, we're both always right, and being anything more than friends would likely very quickly lead to being less than friends.

The problem is that knowing this doesn't change my feelings. In fact, they get stronger every day. It is affecting our friendship somewhat, but mostly it's just making me miserable. She's been really cool about everything. I can't develop any interest in other girls. I've been with girls prettier than her, and all through sex I'm picturing her instead. Every time I masturbate, it's her I'm thinking about. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that every time I've orgasmed for a few years now, her face has been in my mind.

So, my sex life sucks. I'm losing sleep thinking about her and this shitty situation. I haven't had a real girlfriend since I met her, and I've ignored the advances of several very attractive, interesting girls simply because they weren't her. I compare all other girls to her, and they just don't stack up. I also feel guilty, because while she's very cool and understanding, I'm sure it's weird for her. We share everything, and she can always read me. She knows I jerk off thinking about her every night. That's creepy for me, so it's gotta be for her. So basically, I need to get over her. I've tried. I've even slept with girls just to try to get over her, thinking that maybe then I'd think about them instead of her. I'm starting to think that I'm never going to be really happy with another woman. It's really scary. How can I get over her?

As a girl, I would say that you should find something about her that is not perfect, something that bothers you, even the slightest bit, to humanize her. We tend to romanticize the things we want. Then, you need to stop thinking about her. Occupy your mind. Do things without her. Make other friends. Stop comparing other girls to her, because obviously, they never will be her. This drove a friend of mine into a deep funk and he lost an entire year of his life. Don't ignore other girls. You don't have sleep with them, or even date them. But you should realize that if they are hitting on you, there has got to be something wonderful about you that someone else doesn't see.

If all else fails, take a trip with the new friends you're going to make. Realize that you can have fun without her. And please realize that you are worth more than what she thinks.

i am in a similar situation to yours, although not as bad. i met this girl a few months ago and we hit it off instantly. we hang out together like every day and both have feelings for each other. we make out all the time and have sex, but she cant be my gf right now. she just got out of a long relationship and was engaged. we are best friends and that is allright with me for the time being. all i can say to you man is that if it was ment to be it will be, so just try to be her friend and not push her away and things will workout for the best i am sure.

i think sparklingdot gave some really good advice, i don't think i could suggest anything better. i really feel for you though. i think most people have been in a similar situation at one time or another (maybe to a lesser extent) and it sucks. keep us posted on how things are going.

I have been here, I have done this. Didn't even get a tshirt. I lost 2 years of my life because of it. Your best bet, if you know you cannot be with her, get over her, and realize you cannot be with her. As much as you want her, if it cannot be, it will not be. Take a step back and realize, there are more people out there. Do not cut your life short over love with someone whom you cannot be with. The longer you hold onto it, the hard it breaks later on the road. Sorry to hear man, I've been here, it sucks HORRIDLY. I wish you luck tho.

Oh no, this got me in a LOT of trouble actually. I wouldn't call it love or lust, but I was really into a great friend before.

This girl and I used to be really close friends. I really didn't like it that I really started liking her so I tried to forget about it. I soon started talking to her best friend, and told her everything. Months went by, and my mind went from my friend to hers. :) She started to become the closer friend, and things moved on from there. She is now my girlfriend of over a year now.

Moral of the story:
If you don't wanna like your best friend, find a new best friend to like. :p

No, but really, what bites me in the ass though, is that she REALLY liked me when I started to know her. Of course, me being a completely oblivious guy on a one-track mind, didn't really see any of that. And she reminds me about that all the time and gives me hell for it. Think of all the torture she had to go through when I talked to her 24/7 and told her everything about me liking her best friend. It's amazing how she didn't give up on me after all those months..

I was in the same position as you once, except my best friend and I finally got together. She was my girlfriend for probably a year or so, then we both realized things were better between us as just friends, so we decided to break up. That was probably for the better, I'm much happier with my current girlfriend.

People tend to make friends with those whom they find a connection with - similar likes, outlooks on life, things like that. To do so with a member of the opposite sex adds that annoying little wrinkle to the equation: you've got enough in common to be friends, the person is of the opposite sex, and an attraction starts to form.

Granted, this is not always the case, but it happens often enough that you've gotten responses, right?

If you two have discussed this, and if she's told you flat-out that it's just not mutual that way, then you really need to move on. Take any - or all - of the suggestions you've been given, and if necessary dial back things with your friend.

thats a tough one... i have been in a similar situation, with one of my best friends (though i wasnt that extreme as you were), but i was sexually attracted to her, difference is that we did hook up a few times, and the problem was that whenever we wanted to date each other, one of us was ALWAYS taken, and well, it just was better to stay close friends...

to make a long story short she left to college and i never saw her that much anymore, now she is moving to NY, and i dont really talk to her that often anymore...

SOOO... my point is that you need to stop hanging out with her... avoid her, stop talking to her, blow her off, LET HER GO... and two things could come of this..

1. she could realize your value and see that her life isnt the same without you, and you guys can live happily ever after...

2. you get over her, and you realize that its not meant to be, and in the process you can get over your obsession with her (no offense)...

I really hope it works out though... good luck

Sounds like a case of ONE-ITIS to me. ;)

That's cool dude, if you really want it to grow into something else, tell her how you feel.

I had something kinda like that happen to me. I think a lot of times we do this because we're afraid of being accountable to ourselves for a real situation. Nothing is safer than loving someone you can't have, you can't screw it up because of the distance. I'd suggest that you take a break of sorts at some point, and go meet some girls. You don't have to go find "the one" right away or anything like that, but remind yourself that there are others out there. I think this is the modern day version of courtly love, and I know how it feels personally. There's a real desperate immediacy to everything... that strong longing desire. And the weird thing is that you either created all of this for yourself, or this girl that you like so much is really just addicted to your attention. Don't be afraid to find something real...

Getting away from my situation I had like this was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

A quote (or a horribly butchered paraphrase of a quote) from one Mr. Bill Cosby!

"You have to either marry that girl, right now, or leave forever."

Yea...thats the jist of it, but not the exact words. But he's mostly right.

In a situation like this you CAN NOT be happy until you find someone else, and while you're still around her you probably can't do that. So take her away from the equation by ceasing to hang out with her, avoiding her, stop talking to her, blowing her off, and letting her go (ala a suggestion by SAM821) and after the initial bumpy road of emotional crap (which lasts far too long...) you're much better than when you started.

Of course I'm told there's a grey area, but this soon its impossible, except for a masochist.

Living with false hope is never a fun thing to do. Even if this girl does return your love in the future, you're not getting anything out of pining away for her other than more continual heartache. Purge her from your life as best you can- for me, this required a complete change in my lifestyle pattern. It'll HURT for a while, but eventually you'll meet other people and begin to fill the whole that she filled. Life is meant to be lived, not wished.

Same situation for me, man. However, I had a difficult twist to deal with.

My senior year in high school I began to feel the pressure of my sexual orientation (bisexual) and fell in love with my best friend of the same gender. I couldn't bring myself to tell him because I didn't want to lose him as a friend. We ended up being roommates together at university, so I told him and he said he had no homosexual desires at all. I was absolutely devastated because of the incredible desires I had for him.

As someone previously mentioned, someone you love should be (and most likely is) someone you share interests with and can connect with other than just sexually. We definitely connected to each other more deeply than either of us had felt before, so it was a real difficult thing for us both. I (admittedly) badgered him for nearly five months about it. About one month into our second semester, we had a sexual experience (I think it was because we were both so horny), and this lead him to see if a homosexual relationship would be right for him. Very noble of him, I admit.

It's been nearly three years, and we are still in a "relationship." I wouldn't call it a full relationship, simply because he still says he is heterosexual. He has told me he is bisexual at least emotionally, but not physically. So, we are almost in a more tangled web than before, but we are practically already partners as far as an emotional relationship goes. We spend nearly all of our time together and we share so much of our lives with each other. It has been very difficult, and I have times with I wish none of it ever happened. :(

You'll have to gauge the situation yourself. If you see these desires as damaging, try to find ways of spending time with others and get your mind off of her. The following song by Sarah McLachlan sums up both our situations pretty well, I think. Take care, and I hope things work out well in the end.

"Stupid" by Sarah McLachlan

lyrics
audio [4.6 MB]

dp

I'm pretty much in the same situation right now. But in my case, she was my girlfriend for 2 years and we broke up due to certain events that were going on in our lives that were causing our relationship alot of damage and our family life alot more damage. So now we remain the best of friends who are both passionately and desperately in love with one another. It aches just to be around her and i've debated whether or not i should stay or leave. So i honestly can't offer any wisdom here. All i can say is keep your head up and good luck.

I can't just stop talking to her. We've been best friends for years now, and I'm not willing to give that up. It would make me miserable, and it would crush her too. I want to figure out a way to get over this so that it doesn't ruin our friendship.

Well, I wasn't in love with the girl, but she was my best friend and we were very close. When things started to go sour (for a couple different reasons I'll spare you) I had to take pretty drastic measures to get over my dependancy on her. I was accepted to University out of province and when things got to their worst I used it as another reason to pick up and go.

I left for school and decided to take the seperation a step further. I totally cut her out of my life. No emails, no phone calls, no nothing. I took it as an opportunity to make new friends and experience new things. I ended up making a ton of friends at school and having a blast with them. The next summer I made up with the girl and now we're friends, without the problems from the first time around. Obviously it's not the same, but that's a good thing because it was a dead end situation that needed to change.

You seem in a worse spot than I was. I think, if you truly want a drastic change to get over her you're going to have to take drastic measures. This might mean some time apart so you can force yourself to move on. Good Luck.


SLM3

You're going to have to either separate the friendship love from the romantic love, or you're going to have to break it off. If you don't, it'll probably leave both of you in painful limbo for a very long time and eventually end badly. Like, when she develops a boyfriend....

And I hate to say it, but she's part of the problem, too. She knows you're in lust and in conflict, but isn't doing anything about it. Possibly she likes the emotional support she gets from your relationship, and maybe likes the fact that she doesn't have to pay anything (ie, commit) for it. Might even like the idea that you're smitten with her, be good for her self-confidence.

All I'm saying is, if she's not not interested in anything past friendship but knows you go to bed every night and make fantasy love to her, _and she's not trying to resolve that with you,_ then this relationship -- be it sexual or strictly friendship -- is in trouble. Resolve it, split, or both.

I completely agree with you.


SLM3

You just need to stop hanging out with her. Period.

I was in a situation almost exactly the same as yours a few years ago. I was in love with my best friend, who was a girl. Same thing, she knew how I felt but did not have the same feelings for me. I had been obsessed with her for more than a full year, during the course of which I had been with 2 other girls, yet I still only thought about her. Things got weird to the point where we just didnt talk anymore or hang out at all.

It is strange though how some things work out. After about almost a full year of not speaking to one another we just sort of started talking again and now we hang out all the time. In fact, we're better friends now than we've ever been. And although I still find her attractive, I don't feel the need to be anything more than just friends.

I don't know if there is anything you can do besides let time go and see what happens. Perhaps it was the break that allowed us to eventually get back togehter. Maybe that's all you really need. Good luck :-)

Well, you have already blown it with this girl. You crossed into that friend zone which 99.8% of the time you will never move out of (unless of course you are in a movie ;)). Sounds like you need to do one of two things. Get over it and stay her friend, or get over it and stop talking to her. In either case, you will have to get over it. Painful to hear, but it seems as if you have wasted enough of your time pining over this girl so I had to get straight to the point here with you. It sounds as if this really never has been an equal friendship and that you most likely became friends with her because you were interested in her. Healthy friendships with the opposite sex don't develop this way, you started off wanting more then a friendship while she most likely wanted just a friendship and in a sense you have been lying to her this whole time. Do yourself a favor and break out of that mentality or you will be "the friend" to women all your life.

*Free Plan9 Tip of the Day* For the love of God, please don't tell anymore women (that you are not dating) that you jerk off to them each night.

We've probably all been in a similar situation before. To one degree or another. In this case she has made it clear she doesn't feel for you that way. You need to move on. Clearly you have tried to be "just a friend" and that isn't working for you. Sadly, I agree with EleqTrizi'T, you need to stop seeing her. It will hurt and it will take time but sooner or later someone will light that spark for you again. Hopefully it will be mutual this time. Don't waste any more time on this one. Maybe in a year or so you two can be friends again on an equal footing, once you have found someone else.

Cheers, and good luck.

This is the funniest thing I've read all day. Honestly, how does that enter at any point into a conversation?

My advice is to try to back off from her...spend a lot less time with her, talk to her less, etc... Try to develop more friendships away from her. The reason it's so hard to like others is that so much of your life is spent with her, which leads to a huge emotional investment. It will take some time, but you can get over her, just see her less and whatnot.

I'll freely admit that I have a friend that I originally wanted to date. We worked together, and after I learned that she was married, I made a conscious effort to just be the best "friend" I could be....no thoughts of a hook-up, no worries beyond just being her friend.

She got divorced from the jerk she was married to (her words, not mine), and I had to re-think my relationship with her. Should I try to move things into something "non-friendship"? Date her?

In the end, I decided that I liked having her as my friend, and I've never had to worry about my feelings for her since. Hell, I'm the guy who set her up with her current boyfriend!

1.5 years for me. Guess i'm lucky. *rolls eyes*

Similar deal...best thing i did for myself was to get over her though. We're better friends for it...even if i have a flashback once in a while. But i know if i can't sacrifice something in my heart for the sake of respecting a woman i love, then i'm not the man i want to be. Now, i'm not saying its wrong to feel how you do...but knowing you need to get over her needs to turn in to action. See a counselor, get some professional help, talk with a clergyperson if you're religiously inclined...whatever. But for your sake, not just her's, you need to move on in life.

1. If she doesn't love you as you love her, then she cannot see you for who you are, and is not worth your love.

2. You can't make her like you. I'm sorry. Obviously, time has not changed this. You should cut off all ties to her if you cannot detach yourself emotionally. Don't see her, talk to her, etc. Loss is hard, but living with an empty heart is harder. Be strong.