NeoSparky

ok,
I've been one of those dreaded "lurkers" for quite some time. I enjoy reading the response's to the questions as most of them apply to my own life.

so here's the deal.

I've been with this girl for the last almost 4 months. She's 19, i'm 25. The first 3 weeks to a month were the most amazing I've ever expierenced in my entire dating history. From there it went down hill. All of a suddon she just stopped being the girl I was getting to know. I found out the reason why was that she had moved back into an apartment with her ex-bf who had abused her. There were valid reasons behind this move and it was only temporary. So after about a month of not seeing her I was about to give up on her and she called me out of the blue. We spent the next week together and it seemed that we had gotten past this little road bump in our relationship. The week after that she called me every day just to chat. The following week every other day or so, and it's grinded to a halt of almost 2 weeks since I've heard from her last.

She called me today (chistmas) to wish me a merry christmas. We talked for not even 5 minutes on the phone before she became pissed off at me for asking what was going on and why hadn't I heard from her in the last 2 weeks. She told me that she had gotten a 2nd job and that she doesnt like calling me as much because I ask whats going on, where's she's been, etc.. You know, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on between us.. after she had her little outburst she said she had to go and that was that.

p.s. during the times that she's called she always tell's me how much fun she has with her friends. One point I made a point to tell her that she seems to have all this time for her friends but none for me and wanted to know what was up. (that was 2 weeks ago).


ok, so now that she's even more upset with me than before, and she has 2 jobs, and spends all of her free time with everyone but me what should I do?

I'm a very patient man, but I'm afraid that at this point I may be coming across to her as desprate and there's nothing further from the truth. I just am not one to give up at the first sign of trouble and run the other direction. The only complaint that I have so far about this relationship is that I dont see her enough.


Some things I was thinking of doing is:
1) leave a voice mail on her phone asking to meet up for lunch or dinner or something and then once having her face to face talking about whats been bothering me. Prefacing the conversation with "I'm not bitching, I just want to talk about whats bothering me." Or something to that effect.

2) Writing her a note explaining my whole reason for asking whats going on all the time and leaving it at her apartment.

or

3) leaving a voice mail explaining the same that I'd do in the note.


I dont want to end the relationship but at the same time a defining characteristic of a relationship to me is spending quality time with each other.

Sorry for the long windedness.

Rlyss

She sounds way too flakey to me. Who has time for their friends but absolutely none in two weeks for their partner? Working two jobs I can understand, she can't be criticized for that at all, but moving in with an abusive ex-partner isn't something I'd value in a partner.

I'm sure she's fantastic when you're with her, especially at the start of your relationship, but it sounds like she's got some old habits or old routines she just can't get out of.

Oh, and as for leaving a note at her apartmnent, I'd advise against it. If she gets angry when you simply ask her what she's been up to or how her week has been, I'm sure going to her apartment when she's not there would make her explode!

If you're going to do anything at all I'd say write an e-mail (or a letter) and mail it to her. Say everything you want to say in it, but don't make it an attack. She might reject it, and if she does then you know for sure. But if she accepts it and wants to talk further, then you can try from there.

denim

It's the honey/vinegar thing. And, as you said, she's 19. Women at 19 think they know everything. Wait 'till that leaks away.

OTOH, you could try NOT asking her what's going on, and see what that does. Try NOT doing the things she says she has a problem with, and see how she likes that. "No, I don't care what you're doing. Nope, don't care who you're with."

(He doesn't care! boo hoo hoo)

Peetster

She has issues.

It's not likely you will be able to figure them out. She won't let you get close enough.
That's all you need to know. Distance yourself.

Averett

It sounds like she's already ended things. There is NO REASON why anyone should move in with their abusive ex-boyfriend. None. The girl has issues, its time for you to move on.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

vveronica

Move on!
She it still with the abusive guy... it will never change. she will run to you when she is scared and back to him the first time he says somthing nice.

__________________
...We find ourselves in a struggle for our very right to exsist... We will not go quietly into the night... We will not give up without a fight...

NeoSparky

Actually the move in with her ex was temporary till she got her own apartment. It only lasted about 3 weeks. Since she's moved into her own place she's said she hasn't talked to him.

lightning

Neo, here's an idea...
You're fishing... You yank this woman too hard she's off the hook and swimming away... If she's pulling away from you, sit back, give her some slack, and when she realizes you're not gonna chase her she'll turn her interest right back up...
If it takes a while just, hang in there, it would be better to be able to call her up every once in a while until the time is right than to piss her off lose all chances

Averett

Why couldn't she stay with you for 3 weeks? Or with family? Or anywhere but with her ex boyfriend who was abusive?

I'm sorry, but that's bullshit that she HAD to stay with him...

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

nirol

Trust in Averett, the font of wisdom.
Try this:
KICK HER TO THE CURB!
Do not call, do not leave notes.
If she calls be pleasant, but COLD!
No games, just life.

__________________
'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

bparker805

NeoSparky,
It's time to go fishing in the deep blue sea...
-BP

rufgti

damn...well, far be it from me to say that I know what I'm doing. However, first reaction would be to give her some slack--lotsa slack.

I know its hard, but if she wants to be with you, she will come back. She is rather young, too, don't you think?

__________________
Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

NeoSparky

She was staying with a relative but there are valid reasons I wont go into her for why she left there. She tried to move in with a friend of hers temporarly but since her friend was currently dating her most recent ex boyfriend (The one she dumped for me.) her friend didn't think it was a good idea..
I would have loved for her to stay with me but I moved back into my parents place to finish college and she was wiereded out by the idea (Understandably so..)

So the last person she had to turn to was her ex bf that abused her. They had started to become friends at the time.. anyways thats not all that important currently..




since writting this originally I did call her today with no answer... Since my cousin's in town and were riding around on some rented harley's I stopped by her place unexpectingly, and things seemed better.. I'm sure I'll get bitched at later for stopping by uninvited but oh well. You only live once right?

shannon

i think it's odd that she was more weirded out the idea of staying with your parents than by the idea of staying with an ex who beat her. i know you say that's not an issue anymore but a girl who makes that choice has some qualities in decision making that most girls don't have. and i would imagine a girl who chooses those living arrangements might make decisions that would seem weird in a relationship too.
i think if this girls makes you happy and shows up at the door that you should do what makes you happy. if she calls and you want to talk to her i don't blame you. but i don't think you should expect a stable relationship from it. that's just my opinion though, you obviously know this girl better. i hope you find your happiness however you do.

__________________
"When I look down I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up I just trip over things"

Aladdin Sane

Dude! Don't let the door hit you in the ass. And never look back. She's got SERIOUS issues. Unless you like big hurt, skidaddle.

__________________
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

rockzilla

I'm gonna echo everyone else and say get the hell away from her. Even if you do manage to get her back, she'll do nothing but make you miserable. There are tons of women who won't bitch you out for wanting to know how they're doing.

Run. Run fast and run far.

la petite moi

I don't think shes even worth your energy. Most likely, shes messing around in something shes not supposed to...

Plan9Senior

I hate to be the devils advocate on this board, but it sounds like not only does she have issues, but you might as well. You sound codependent and a little controlling possibly. Either way, move on. This relationship will never work.

wry1

I wouldn't necessarily say you're co-dependent, Neo. It's those first 3 weeks that you keep thinking about, though, isn't it?

The "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is not something you should be using to decide what it's chances of success are. See how things go during the bad times, and make your decisions accordingly. After all, bad times will and do happen, and if you and she were able to constructively work through them, then I'd say you had a shot.

But you're in the midst of a "bad time" right now, and she's definitely not helping things.

She's got to go. Or more importantly: you do.

Don't let the memory of some happiness blind you to the fact that you seem to have been relegated to some infrequently-visited corner of her life, and no relationship on Earth is going to be able to survive that!

Keep looking!

NeoSparky

Plan9,
Everyone has their own set of issues.

CoDependance -> isn't this where you and your SO depend on each other? Isn't this what a relationship is about? I mean if you can'd depend on the one you love who can you depend on? If your not dependant then your independant or single. I dunno about you but I had my share of being single, I dont care for the one night stands any longer. I want someone to depend on, who will be there in the good times and bad times.


I honestly belive this girl and I can work things out if we can talk face to face and hash it out. I'm not ready to just give up like that.

Prince

I agree with Peetster, 100%.

__________________
Who is John Galt?

NeoSparky

well,
It's time to bring this thread to an end.. Many of you were correct and I couldn't admit to myself that it was true. She has been cheating on me. I just found out tonight that this was so. She doesn't know that I know yet. I saw her making out with whomever the new random dude was..

so anyway, thanks all for the friendly advice. It's now over.



allthough, anyone have any good idea's on how to have a little fun with her before I tell her to fuck off?

emphant

To be honest with you...it doesn't sound like you were really "together". It sounds like she had fun with you, then got bored, and you tried to stay on a little too long. Hey, we all make mistakes.

But I would say just forget it and move on. The best way to get back at her is to meet other girls and score some dates.

If you need to get back at her, that's still needing something, and you want to move on, no?

Averett

Sorry to hear about that, it sucks...

Theres no reason for getting back at her. The best way is just to move on and discontinue contact with her. Be the better person.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

skysooner

I'm sorry to hear that as well. I just started reading this thread and was going to emphatically say dump her. She is at a completely different place in her life. Maybe in 5 to 7 years you would have been right for each other, but the early 20s and late teens are a big growth phase for most people. I personally wouldn't date anyone under the age of 25 if I were in my late 20s now. It is easy to say now with the hindsight of age, but things are so much clearer now.

NeoSparky

I had the same game plan.. I wasn't going to date anyone so much younger than I. This girl just captured my heart tho. I couldn't resist. We did some serious talking before we officially called our romance a couple. She assured me she was done with her partying days and was ready for a true commitment. She would tell me every few days how she loved that I was so supportive of her, and sweet to her. She thanked me for being so patient with her. But when it stopped it stopped cold turkey.

She has now reverted back to her party mentality and to be honest I have no problem with that it's just she should have talked to me first before cheating on me. I would have been ok with dropping back to either just a friendship or maybe even the occasional date..


Getting this stuff off my chest really helps. Thanks to all for listening.

Plan9Senior

It hurts them worse when you stop all contact and walk away being a better man. If in the future her morals change and she looks back into her life, she will feel very bad for what she did to you. If you react with some revenge, it will only convince her she did the right thing.

Keep the chin up and be happy you didn't waste any more time with this bitch.

NeoSparky

Good idea..

now for a another bit of advice.. How should I go about ending it? Should I just not talk to her any longer. Wait for her to call me and tell her it's over, or other? Should I play the same game she's been playing wherein if she calls I dont answer and dont call back till I feel good n ready to.

Plan9Senior

It's already over, contact or not. If she happens to get a hold of you and starts asking what is up OR if you simply need the closure by verbally making it final, then just tell her good luck with life and that you don't have time for a girl like her. By the way, say it exactly like that . If she starts asking why or other questions or starts running her skank mouth, tell her you have to go and take care (make sure to come across as if you are talking down on her...if you sound like a sad homeless puppy when talking with her, then I will come over there and personally give you a severe beating myself )

analog

It's already over.

Pick up, move on, be glad she didn't claim your dignity when she left.

Good luck on future girls!

skysooner

Closure is overrated, but there are times when it is necessary. I don't believe in just not talking to someone anymore just because you decide it is over. I have had this happen to me before. I am an engineer and am by definition "clueless socially" (j/k). Sometimes I express myself in a way that ticks people off. Sometimes the reaction from women was to break up and stop returning calls. I guess they assumed I would stalk them or something, but it would have been nice to at least find out what it was that pissed them off. It is so much worse not to know in those circumstances.

However there are situations where it is just best to move on. I think this is one of those situations. I had this manic depressive girlfriend that I took on a trip to New Orleans about 6 months prior to my moving there for work. While we were there, we went to dinner with some friends of mine that I used to work with. I think she basically told them that I was husband material, but she had her work cut out for her to "shape me up". That was the end for me. Her mood swings had just left me cold sometimes (although she could really be sweet). When we got home, I just stopped calling her. The next girl I met a couple of weeks later was the woman I have been married to for almost 13 years now.