Overcoming Jealousy
 

I did a browse through the sexuality forum (bring the search back!! :)) for this, apologise if it's been covered already.

Going out with a younger girl in another country. we see each other about once a month, twice if we're lucky. We went out for 2 months before she had to move back home. Been going out for 8 months now and its pretty clear to me that she is "a special one". We do love each other very much and its been absolutely awesome.

Theres one point thats bugging me though. most of her friends are guys. thats cool in my book, a lot of my friends are girls. but. she goes out for dinner with them (alone). she slow dances with them. little things like these kinda does make me jealous.

the thing is, when i get weird on the other end of the phone and i explain why, she is really surprised. she doesnt think anything is wrong with going out for dinner alone with a male friend. maybe i am just being totally unreasonable?? maybe its a cultural difference with her being a scandinavian female (scandinavian feed back would be helpful :)) and myself aussie?

another thing that bugs me is the fact that i wouldn't do that. i dont go out for dinner with my female friends alone as its sorta considered a "date". its kinda out of respect for her... Her argument is, would i get jealous if she went out for dinner with a female friend? she doesnt see the difference. and i do understand her point, and she does reassure me that i am the only one she wants etc etc and then i feel shit for yet again bringing it up! i dunno, what do you think? whats acceptable and whats not? wheres the line?

one great thing about our relationship is that we talk about everything and we have set boundaries on what is acceptable and what isn't. at this stage we have agreed that kissing and leading other people on (as if you were single) is unacceptable. she says she doesnt flirt with these guys, they are just friends. i am trying to get used to the fact that she does these things, but i still cant help but be a bit jealous and weird. i want her to be able to do what she wants when she wants, because thats the courtesy she extends to me (she serioulsy doesnt have a single jealous bone in her body), but i cant help thinking damn i wish she wouldnt do some of those things. its a stark contrast to my prev girl (of 5 yrs) who was extremely jealous. it took me a while to adjust to someone that was so jealous, and i guess it will take me some time to adjust to someone thats the complete opposite!

is it an issue of trust? i *think* i am 100% sure that i trust her completely. she has the same views with infidelity that i do (i fucking hate cheaters) and i *know* she would never cheat on me. its almost as if because i see her so infrequently, i'm jealous of the fact that her male friends see her more often than i do, and not because i dont trust her and think shes going to cheat on me.

the best thing about it is the fact that the good in our relationship (communication is awesome) far outweighs the bad, and sometimes i think i am just being petty to take my frustrations out on someone close to me. argh. my head hurts, i think too much, someone slap me about... :)

thoughts? how do you overcome jealousy in these situations?

thx

dinner shouldn't be a big deal...

If you communicate well and she's up-front and laid clear boundaries with you and everyone else, then don't worry. The thing is, you can't know what she is doing and not doing if you back her into a corner. It sounds like she's being really up-front and nothing is ringing any bells of danger to me.

If you're jealous that other people get to see her more than you, then there isn't a lot you can do other than let go. It isn't fair to take that out on her, she's just living her life and getting by. And how to let go? Well, what do you do with your life? Maybe you need to get out more, talk to people, etc. Remind yourself that you're still you're own person, and so when you talk again you both have things to talk about along the same lines rather than her doing a lot of fun things with people and you hating it.

That's the best I've got, I hope it is of some help... it sounds like it just comes down to you loosening the grip.

Dinner/dancing is no big deal, as long as she's not eating off of them and the dancing is kept vertical, if you know what I mean.

I've gone out to dinner with platonic female friends on many occasions, several of them having boyfriends I know and respect. They don't care, because they know me, and those that don't know me can get over it. I've also been dancing COUNTLESS times with almost every female friend I have, as I like to go clubbing, and dancing doesn't mean anything. She says dancing, YOU think of the kind of dance YOU would dance... all groping her and grabbing her ass and stuff, you sly dog- but she says dancing and MEANS dancing, perth. If you really believe in your heart she wouldn't cheat, then she isn't.

I had a guy yell at me one time because I had gone to dinner with "his girlfriend" who he'd been with for 3 weeks, when she was MY FRIEND for over a year. I told him that we were friends, and had been for quite some time, and if he had a problem, I wasn't the one to bring it up to. She dumped him a day later when he confronted her for being an unreasonable prick.

No, you're not being unreasonable, you're being cautious, nervous, lovesick, and jealous that someone else is getting her time instead of you. If you believe her fidelity, then you're only upset because YOU can't take her to dinner, and YOU can't go dancing with her. If you have no reason to suspect anything bad, then rest your weary head, my son, and bask in the happiness that is your true romance. I hope you two can get it together, i'd hate to see a thread down the line about how you two broke up when you seem to have so much love, even half a world away.

I feel you on that Perth. I too am currently in a long distance relationship. She lives about two thousand miles away. I also trust her and have great communication with her. I do understand how you may be alittle jealous. Like do you feel, she should be more respectful and not do things that bother you. But then again, if shes being a good girl, there shouldnt be anything wrong with what she does and who shes with. Sometimes my girl does things that i dont agree on, but on the other hand, shes not doing anything wrong, so then i think "why are you trippin you idiot". I think it just comes down to the fact, that you will never know the truth. Yeah shes probably not doing anything. Then again you will never know. Thats the part thats weird. The feeling of not knowing what really going down. All the scenarios you put into your head. Good or bad. Its enough to drive you mad. I guess thats why long distance relationships dont usually work. Its definitely a tough situation. I guess give her credit and have faith in what you guys share and believe in. Oh yeah, what gets me through the jealous rages and tough situations. Id have to say when i think about her, it calms me down and makes me happy. Then i think about how much i love her and need her in my life....After that, i turn into mashed potatos and im not jealous or angry.

There's a couple of things that I would bring to attention:
- Differnet coutries have different social values. So her dinning with male friends is most likely no big deal with her at all.
- She had these friends before she knew you. So don't even try to get a wedge in between her and them.
- Has there been any reason for you not to trust her? If not, show that you trust her and don't complain that she's hanging out with another guy. Infact tell her to tell the guy 'Hi' from you.
You two sound like a mature couple with open communication and you said how it feels to be on the other side of the jealousy coin with your last gf - don't do it to her.

Ofcourse your jealous, you have feelings towards this person and you are lonesome, and you know that is she off doing stuff with other guys..

As you put it, they are only friends... friends, do.. firends things :)

I've taken girls to movies and ice skating blah blah even when they did have a boyfriend, your allowed to be friends with people and your allowed to spend time with your friends, jealousy is so common though, everyone experiences it in their life and it is completely normal.

And (correct me if i'm wrong) is she the one who has told you that she is going out to dinner with them and not doing anything? Because think about it, she might not of had to, you sound like you've fallen for her, which is a big thing and obviously you want to be with her and you are very happy with her.. continue to be jealous, it's normal don't let anyone tell you otherwise... you are fretting to be with her pretty much, seeing her that often would suck balls, but hey.. if that's how things have to be then hey ! that's how they are :)

Try spending some time with your female friends, help take your mind off things, unless you can't control yourself lol..

But hey bud, she's all good mate.. just relax and let things flow their own way, it's no real biggie, friends are friends :)

Thing jealous people need to realize is your SO doesn't belong to you, i.e. is not your property. This isn't meant to be an attack, I'm just saying jealously can seem flattering as they value you and fear losing you but really it's a big pain in the ass. My ex-gf was horribly jealous and it's one of the things I didn't like about her. I know I could not have had a female friend at all without major drama.

I think it's good to interact with the opposite sex in a platonic situation; it allows you to see contrasts in others and can make you appreciate your SO even more for the dynamic and unique person they are. It can enrich a relationship to do things with the OS by contrast and comparison. If they end up falling for another person and leave you to be with them, it's because they would be more happy with the person and you're doing both of you a disservice to continue.

Think of it this way. If she is doing something behind your back, you are likely going to know it by the way she treats you or what she is not telling you. If she suddenly changes to where she doesn't want to talk as long (or is emotionally unavailable) that is almost a sure sign she is doing something wrong. However, in this case, since she is so open about it, I seriously doubt there is anything to worry about. Someone else stated this well. You are just missing her and miss out on being able to be with her all of the time. Do you have a time frame to rectify this?

Nobody likes to hear this but you need to evaluate your relationship.
How long have you been you been going out?
How intimate have you become?
What sort of future do you think there is for you?
Then evaluate your trust level. You have to be able to trust someone you are with, if not you have no business in a serious relationship.

If you can't trust her because of what she brings into the relationship should it be over? If it is really serious... Probably.

If you can't trust her because of your own insecurities, then tell her about it and let her know the problem is yours and you are trying to fix it. You better work it out for yourself or you will lose the relationship.

Trust her. I think that in the back of your head you're more jealous of the time that they get to spend with her than suspicious that they're "involved".

Have you met these friends? If you haven't, you should. It'll help you realize that they're simply buddies. Spoiler: If she doesn't want you to meet them, then you have problems.