Prince

I'm interested to hear about your relationship with your SO's family. Has it been smooth sailing all the way, or a rocky road of horrors?

My wife's father's a somewhat die-hard conservative republican Texan head-of-the-family type. He wasn't exactly thrilled to learn that his daughter was getting married to a European, especially one without a college degree. Almost no one in her family really accepts our marriage, and none of them welcomed me into the family or anything. Her parents didn't come to the wedding, but her grandparents did.

It's time for the family festivities again. Thanksgiving and Christmas. I always feel like the odd man out, in a crossfire of questions about matters that really are none of their business. Naturally I never say this, but it does get annoying to have to feel defensive all the time. I came from Finland, no it's not in the Third World. No, Finns aren't communists (and so what if we were?).

They are her family, though, for better or worse. We talked last night about the fact that even if we were to move somewhere up north (Oregon, maybe), she'd still want to come down to Texas for the holidays, to spend these holidays with her family. Regardless of the disrespect they've shown her in the past - in spades. And I do understand that.

I guess being thousands of miles away from 'home' I kind of feel like I'd like us to start our own holiday traditions that did not revolve around her family and their plans. But I guess in the end the 'revolving' is only something in my head, and not really real.

Anywho, rant over, how do you get along with your [future/possible] in-laws?

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aurigus

Wow... That really sucks!

Luckily I've always got along with my in-laws. But I've heard horror stories with people who absolutely can't stand their in-laws, and the in-laws can't stand them.

Thats messed that they didn't even come to your wedding... hopefully they had a better reason than just not liking you.

Maybe you can address the reasons why they dont like you? It sounds like you havent met them much at all - I think it's harder to hate someone so much when you know them, in that respect it helps to spend as much time with them as you can. Also, if they know you make their daughter happy, thats a big help. Kill em with kindness!

My theory is that once you have kids, then you can start to stay at your home and have everyone come visit you on your terms!

lurkette

I get along well with my in-laws. In fact, we joke that if Ratbastid and I ever got divorced (god forbid) his family would keep me

It's not always smooth sailing. His dad gets on my nerves sometimes, and his mom can be a little passive-aggressive pushy with the "you two would be such good parents" hints, but otherwise I love them

It could be worse...a friend of Ratbastid's family is Mormon, and she married a Southern Baptist who was converting to her faith. They spent last Thanksgiving, before they were married, with his family in Kentucky. His brother is a minister and was none too happy about the news of the conversion, and in the middle of a very tense family dinner, he stood up, pointed his finger at the groom-to-be and yelled "I'd rather you were dead!!!" and stormed out of the room. The wedding was odd - no alcohol because of both sides' religious convictions, and barely-contained hostility from the groom's side. So, it could be worse. At least your in-laws wouldn't rather she was dead than married to you!

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numist

My g/fs family seems to already have accepted me as being a son in law... when Im there I eat like a king, but I always pitch in with the chores. In the winter I help with firewood, since the father had MD and cant do it himself, and I always pitch in with whatever I can that needs a strong back if I can.

I get along great with her family, its the odd occasion that her and my family dont always get along, but we've progressed a lot in the last year and a half.

ratbastid

Yeah, I had lurkette's family fooled from the first time I met them

Seriously, I totally love her family. They're SO different from mine in SO many ways. And at the same time, they're similar in a lot of respects. They're great.

And after being around them for 12 years now, the distinction "her family/my family" has basically gone away. My sister-in-law is like <i>my</i> sister. Which made it a little weird to confess to lurkette the other day that when we were first dating I had a crush on her.... Dano can relate, I'm sure!

tommy thompson

Well, you love her, and her only. There is nothing in the marriage vows that says you have to love her parents. If she knows how they feel, then perhaps you two can talk about how it makes you feel. I have in my experiance done the same thing with my SO, and she agrees that what her parents are doing is assanine. now we don't visit, we don't call. They only call when they want something, and we put them off. They have not figured it out yet, but when they do, we will explain it – when they are ready to listen. Her mom is the driving force in that unacceptance of me– so her dad is all ok, but the rest of her family is a bunch of @$$h0Le$, they all treat me the same way your in-laws do you. No worries mate, just push through it. Don' t let their opinions shape your relationship with your SO. Make it work, cause you love her, not her parents and family. If you let them get in the way, then your relationship will fail both of you, and the in-laws win! I have had personal experiance of this– my first marriage was railed cause of that. Just pony up, talk to your SO, tell her how you feel, and be a man about it. If she wants you to go, do it for her as one of your many sacrafices of self for her. If you lover her, do just that, love her. Her family, just put up with them during funcions– if you truly love your SO, make it work for you both. In the name of love man, just do her, er uh, it! I have more to share if you are interested in it Prince, PM me. My second marriage is going VERY well. It's all about how you look at it. The in-laws never need know your motiviation. If they are that close minded and ignorant of human emotion and love, all the better reason to show your SO just how much you really do love her– and how a real SO or husband can truly and deeply love. Show her, not tell her, just how much you love her. Show her that her family and father are conditional, and you my friend are unconditional. She will never let you go if you do. If you start setting limits on things (other than discussing your pain with her) then you are showing her that her family is right. Silently show, let your actions be your presentation of your love. Words, gifts, trinkets all with out actions to show it, are meaningless.....

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...a wandering soul...

Jonsgirl

Ahh, In-Laws. Aren't they great?
Seriously though, my husband's parents love me. Alot of the time, especially when we were first married, it seemed like they liked me more than him. They haven't stopped treating me like "the daughter they never had," but they don't quite think I walk on water anymore, either.
Now, MY parents are a different story. My mother never liked my husband, but she did try to hide it and never intentionally made him upset. She's mellowed out alot in the 3 years we've been married, but I don't know if she'll ever think he's good eough for her baby.
And my dad, well, we both thought that he and my husband were getting along fine, but over the past couple of months, he's been acting like my SO is...well, he won't say his name-he calls him "that boy," he talks about my SO being rude and disrespectful, things like that. My husband hasn't changed or EVER been disrespectful towards my parents. He's tried to talk, but I don't know how well my father listens sometimes.

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