Cheating, how much is too much?
 

Some of you probably know my girlfriend is out in California somewhere doing God knows what. I've decided just for my sake of mind to tell myself she isn't cheating on me, even though it is a possibility. What I am wondering is, 1) if your SO cheats on you once, would you rather know? Or be left in the dark? 2)If you found out your SO had an affair, could you forgive and stay in the relationship?

I think I would rather not know if it was a one time thing. As far as a huge affair, I think while I am dating someone, I could probably let it go once. Dating is not marrage, I would count it under part of the experimentation that goes on during dating. However, if we were married, I don't know if I could forgive.

i put someone i'm with number one. if it becomes clear that i'm not their number one, i'm out. left my last ex after she kissed her previous boyfriend...something which i've been told is overly harsh. i don't think so...i was decieved as to her commitment to me, and she had a problem making me the most important man in her life. i do have to give her points for telling me right away...our confusion rapidly led her to leave me, and me to realize it was for the best.

If someone can't be exclusive now, what will change that will make them exclusive later?

1) Yes, I'd rather know so I could find someone who's not a backstabbing bitch
2) No, cheating on someone is, to me, the lowest of lows. It's unforgiveable.

1) lying is the worst sin
2) cheating is the second worse

if she cheated and lied about it, I would probably never even talk to her again.

if she did cheat (or lie), the relationship would be effectively over with pretty much 0 chance of getting back together.

But I'm pretty hard to get along with, its lucky I found a SO that can deal with me. :D

i'll fucking kill you. haha. no serious.

If my girlfriend ever cheated on me, that would be it. I would want to know, and when I did know, I'd leave immediately and never have relations with her ever again. I'm in a relationship right now where she is honestly the closest person I've ever been to in my ENTIRE life, so if she hurt me like that I couldn't deal with it.

-Lasereth

I've cheated once... I think I wanted to be found out... I hated that relationship.

I was also cheated on. I think the best thing is to know about the cheating and also to break it off. It just doesn't sit right.

There are too many fish in the sea to put up with someone else's problems with fidelity--when you're not married, don't have kids, don't have a mortgage, etc. When you're young and free, you owe it to yourself to be with someone who feels they owe you honesty and are honest with themselves.

I don't really have a problem with cheating as long as it's just a physical relationship.

If she were emotionally cheating on me then I'd be upset, but just physical sex? probably not.

Sure it's nice to have her mind and body, but if she's looking for something else on the buffet then I have no problem letting her try it out occasionally, as long as she keeps me informed.

I have a healthy sex drive, but I know there are things that I can't provide physically. As long as she's careful and doesn't lie about it then I don't have a problem with it.

Occasionallly, it's good to experiment. Do I need to wield absolute control over her libido and demand monogamy? I don't think so.....is this strange?

Nope!

If my husband had cheated on me while we were dating of course I would have wanted to know. Cheating is lying and I wouldn't have married someone who was a lyer and cheater.

An ex cheated on me a few times. Within the first few weeks of us going out she had sex with the guy, but I didn't know that. The way she worded it when she told me straight away made me believe she had only kissed him or been hanging around with him. Months later she briefly mentioned that she had had sex with him back then, and I was so ashamed and embarrased that I didn't realize it all along. She thought I knew she had had sex, I thought she had just kissed him.

Another time she came crying to me and said she thought she kissed some guy at a party, but she was drunk and wasn't sure if she had or not. I was very pissed off, was about to leave, but she called the guy and asked him if they had kissed, but the way she worded it ("My boyfriend wants to know if you and I kissed last night?"), and the supposed answer 'No' didn't exactly fill me with confidence that she was telling the truth. From then on, until we broke up, I never trusted her, but was too weak to break up with her over it.

Sorry about that little story, but I guess my answers are:

1) I would want to know that she had cheated, I'm not sure if I would really want to know how far she had gone.

2) I could never forgive my partner for cheating, no matter what the circumstances. I wouldn't want to forget that it ever happened, I'd want it to never have happened. But since that's impossible I'll have to say that if my partner ever cheated on me then that's it, I'm gone.

Cheating is like beating - neither is a one-time thing.

And they're both deal-breakers, in my book.

This is basically my viewpoint; Jin and I have talked several times and agreed that we don't mind some playing around as long as the other person knows, is okay with it, and is invited along.

Unfortunately, that doesn't really apply to your situation.

If the relationship was good, I don't think I'd care to know that she cheated. If she doesn't bring it up for me to find out, I can live on happily in my ignorance.

If I found out, I would probably either be crushed or in a crushing rage. Even if I were crushed at first, I would end up in a crushing rage. If she knew me at all, she would be very, very careful not to ever let me know.

I have been on both sides. I've been cheated on and I've cheated. In most cases, it's caused the breakup. When I was in high school, I cheated on one of my girlfriends and never told her. When she cheated on me, I broke up with her. How's THAT for immature and hypocritical.

I've been in my current relationship for over 6 years. Around year 3, we both cheated and didn't tell each other about it. I hated myself for repeating past mistakes. About a year later, she told me about her indiscretions and I told her about mine. (I don't know if I would have ever told her had she not told me; I was torn as to whether I should ever bring it up.) Hers were worse, which made me feel a little better. ;) We broke up for a few months.

I always thought that if somebody cheated on me, that would be it. I don't know why I didn't give up right then. Maybe because we had so much invested in the relationship. Maybe because I didn't want to be alone. Maybe because I really loved her.

But it wasn't so clear-cut. I had cheated because things hadn't been going right in our relationship at the time. She had cheated because we had been together since she was 18 and was feeling locked down. When she studied abroad for a month and had a chance for "freedom," she needed to taste it.

We talked about it in-depth and went to therapy for a while to see if we could work it all out and regain each other's trust. That was a really rough year. We both came out of it okay and with a better understanding of what it means to have infidelity enter a relationship. Things have been unbelievable for the past three years - we've gotten along great, even through our fights. And we're engaged, with the obvious understanding that this is a greater commitment, and what has happened before will never happen again.

So when you ask "how much is too much," it's not a black-or-white answer that I can give. It depends on your relationship, and whether you think it will happen again. It still stings to think about what happened, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was still scared of what the future could bring - but she has always promised me that it would never happen again, and I've promised the same. That's the best we can go on, I think.

Re: Cheating, how much is too much?
 

1) if your SO cheats on you once, would you rather know? Or be left in the dark?
I would want to know, and then drop her.

2)If you found out your SO had an affair, could you forgive and stay in the relationship?
Nope, never. I'd have no respect what-so-ever for that person.

Well easy way to tell is to call her up and tell her you think we should see other people. if she agrees she is cheating.
Just kidding but sadly its true.

As for faithfull Im not very good at it, so im not one to talk.
I would forgive and stay but, than it would prolly be because i cheat too.

My long term relationship is undamageable by my playing, prolly why i'm still in it...

I believe that cheating is a representation of a failing relationship. No one cheats, the relationship (or lack thereof) allows it.

There are varying degrees. As I have gotten older, I have become less judgmental about what people do. If my wife were to have sex with another person, that would be the end of the relationship. If she were to flirt with someone else, it wouldn't bother me in the least (I do the same with the knowledge that I would never cheat on my wife). When we were dating and almost engaged, she went back out with the guy she was dating prior to me meeting her. They kissed a bit, and she never told me till years later. Her explanation was that although she knew she loved me, she wanted to test the depth of the feeling and to make sure it was real. She said she knew after she kissed him that it was wrong. This bothered me a bunch until I really thought about it. I had her and he didn't. She was sure enough to come back to me. I haven't had any cause to suspect her at all since we have been married. All-in-all, I have a great woman, she is about as trustworthy as they come, and I love my life with her.

women are inately untrustworthy

I agree with Numist_net completely

I would want to know. I've been cheated on once. Should have seen it coming. He broke up with me before I found out though. If I knew for sure that he cheated, I would have ended it with him. I wouldnt have been able to trust him. No trust = no relationship, in my opinion

I don't think I could accept cheating in a serious relationship, like someone said it's not a one-time thing

I've been cheated on before, it's not fun.

1--yes, I would want to know if my husband cheated on me
2--would I forgive? Probably not. I love him with all my heart, but that is totally inexcusable behavior.

I've been cheated on, and cheated on sme one before.

1. Yes i wanted to if my gf cheated on me
2. Yes, i would forgive i already have, actually the girl im with now cheated on me.

1) I would certainly like to know.
2) I might forgive, I might not. I think I am pretty good at sensing if someone if being honest with me. Like, if she said to me "I have to admit something: I cheated, and I feel terrible, and I want you to forgive me" and I feel she is genuine, then I just might. But if I find out she had cheated on me, and has no intention of telling me, or seems unremorseful, I would definately break it off. On the other hand, if she says "I have to admit something: I cheated on you, and I have to say... I loved it! I'm not sorry!" then I may consider staying with her and having an open relationship. Just kidding.

Edit, should I add I am considering leaving my wife for this reason. I know she did something, but she is denying it so much it is pathetic.

I think Harshaw is right on! For a younger guy I think you have your head screwed on pretty darned straight. You aren't married, so sowhat? If she comes back to you then great! enjoy it! If you get overly possessive then you will probably just scare her away. What matters is how you feel about it. Don't live in denial if it eats at you, but I have to say again that you have a fantastic take on things. BTW, I have no sympathy for anyone who cheats on their married spouse. Guys who do it are worthless and weak. If you want to cheat get divorced first. If you have kids don't get divorced or cheat if you can help it b/c your obligation is firstly to your farkin' kids not your dick so grow up assh0le (he said to the hypothetical cheating jerkbait).

If hubby cheated on me I WOULD NOT want to know. EVER. Not even a HINT.

Now if he wanted to do something with me/in tandam and another couple or even a 3some type thing. I'm fine with that.

If he has to go off and sneak something in or do anything when I'm not there and he hasn't discussed it with me before hand then I better NEVER know about it. That type of behavior is just so low and irritating to me.

I've dealt with something somewhat similar already and almost left the guy for it. I don't want to hear of it happening with my guy now.

it depends. do you have an exclusive relationship? if the two of you have established that, then you're cheating. if you've not talked on it, you're just dating, so it shouldn't matter.