Harshaw

My girlfriend and I have been getting closer and closer since we took a trip together about 2 months ago. It was to the point where she would sleep over at my house almost every night. Then 2 fridays ago, I found out we had less than 8 hours before she went on a trip to California. I coped, and figured she would be back in a week (she implied that that was the length of the trip). A week later I get an email saying she "will be there for a while" and because email is sporadic she will call me in "a couple of days or weeks" She is in a National Park, so I understand not being able to call everynight... but days or weeks? Up until the point when she left we spent all of our time together. I don't mind the fact that she is gone, I can even live with the fact that she may be gone for a while. However, I must admit I feel a sense of abandonment.

I don't really know why I am posting this, I guess I just want opinions. Is this a normal thing to do when a relationship goes to fast? Is it normal for someone to split to slow it down? Does it always end baddly?

Averett

Ouch.

Honestly, something sounds fishy. If I'm spending a lot of time with a guy, then I go on a trip, I'll be sure to tell him when I'll be back. Specifically. I mean, you cant fault the girl for going away, but this "I'll call you in a couple of days or weeks" is a bit much.

Then again, I'm really cynical lately.

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bobmsmythe

Dude:
This is bad news.

She's with somebody else. On a trip.

Dump her.

Bob

JStrider

dunno... that just seems fishy...

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JBX

Hold on a second everyone. When I was single, and starting to get serious I'd often go on hiatus to clear my mind and see the direction I wanted to head in. Before I got real serious with my now wife, I took a week, alone, and went to the coast. When I came back I knew I was staying.

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Averett

Did you just up and leave, JBX? Or did you at least tell the person you were dating that you had to go and think about things?

I dunno, I think its just common courtsey to let the person youre seeing whats up.

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erion

Getting a clear head about things is very important. Twice it has saved me from staying in a painful relationship and once it has led to me being with my wife for 8 years (five of which have been married).

Being alone doesn't mean something is fishy, it means someone needs to be alone.

Weeks or months might seem like a long time, but it's all relative. Give it a bit and see how things go.

yournamehere

Whoa - She gave you less than 8 hours notice that she would be leaving on an extended trip, and then keeps you out of the loop about her plans?

Sounds to me like someone from her past re-entered her life about an hour before you got your notice.

I hope I'm wrong - good luck.

Keep us updated.

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JBX

No I told her I was going to take a trip to the coast. SOLO, she didn't have a problem with it which showed me that I had a good one on the line.

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Lasereth

When my girlfriend goes on a trip, she schedules specific times when she's going to call me and at least keeps in touch 3 or 4 times a week. Sounds weird to me, but she may simply have no easy way of communication. I wouldn't let it pass off as nothing, but I also wouldn't jump to conclusions.

-Lasereth

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iamjero

It does sound very fishy....

You have only known her for a couple months I dont think its that big of a deal. Give her some slack and go flirt with some ther women whyle shes gone.

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Robblee

My girlfriend went to college I drive up to see her every weekend but I miss her so much!

bermuDa

How well do you know this girl? Do you really think she's abandoning you? Do you get the feeling she wants to slow things down and has run away from the situation? Sometimes it's good to slow things down when they're moving too fast. I'd rather things take more time than fizzle out quickly.

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Harshaw

I don't know about abandoning me, its nothing new for her to take off quickly, without telling me when she is coming back. But normally she hints at how long she is going to be gone. Any other time she has left, we communicate more. I have had 1 email in 11 days, thats abnormal for us.

bermuDa

Which park is she in?

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Harshaw

Not sure, she went out to visit friends and she has friends who work in Yosemite and Sequoia.

It seems to me that she wouldn't go out there to "hook-up" with someone (I mean, I can't really know, but its not like her). I'm beginning to wonder if she got a job out there.

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wry1

There is something truly disfunctional about a relationship where one member may just take off with nothing more than a , "hey, I'm gone." If you haven't heard from her more than once in almost two weeks, make sure she's all right - I'd say try her parents if need be - and then dump her inconsiderate ass!

I can agree with what erion wrote, and that from time to time it is necessary to sort things out and that getting away from it all can help....but this is way beyond anything that someone (supposedly) in a relationship would be doing to their partner. You don't just vacate your life on 8 hours advance notice - take me at my word on this; I've done a rapid about-face once before in my life - if you're looking to clear your head. You do this if you're looking to get away in a more permanent manner.

You have been abandoned. The only questions remaining are whether or not she comes back to you....and if she does will you take her back?

loxor

You can also use this time to do some thinking for yourself. Try and keep in touch and let her know u didn’t forget her but also give her some space. And yea she could be with someone but that doesn’t mean u have lost her. Give her some time...see what happens... she could miss ya so much when she gets back she will probably jump all over you ;-)

Harshaw

Ok, so I finally got an email from her telling me she would be back in middle october. Realistically, I would bet any where between the 5th and the 10th (I know those aren't in the middle, but going from previous trip lengths, its what I figure on)

So what I am wondering is this, lets say October 15th rolls around and it still doesn't look like she is coming home yet. Would it be stupid of me to ask her to come home? I know no one here knows her personallly. But makeing a general guess, is saying "Gosh, I miss you and you've been gone over a month, please come home" something that most people would react baddly to?

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yournamehere

So - she sends you one e-mail in almost two weeks - then sends a second saying she <i>might</i> be back in a month? Did she say anything else in the e-mail - what she's been doing; who she's with; <i>that she misses you</i>??

Reverse this - how little would you have to care for her to do the same to her?

Be prepared to be introduced to a "new friend" she met while she was gone.

Just out of curiosity, does this girl have <i>any</i> responsibilities? Who the hell nowadays can just up and leave for 6 weeks on a day's notice? Must be nice.

Sorry, <b>Harshaw</b> - but you deserve better than that, don't you?

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If you want to avoid 95% of internet spelling errors:
"If your ridiculous pants are too loose, you're definitely going to lose them. Tell your two loser friends over there that they're going to lose theirs, too."
It won't hurt your fashion sense, either.

skysooner

I'm not totally convinced that she is seeing someone else. Some people are just not as careful about other's feelings. I wouldn't take it too seriously at this point unless you guys are going to get serious and then it would be the time to have a serious talk. At this point, I would just hint that you would have liked to have stayed in more communication. Telling her that you missed talking to her occasionally is a good idea. In the meantime, I wouldn't limit your options. She has no problem with taking off for 6 weeks and keeping in limited contact. You should take this to mean she isn't taking it completely seriously.

The world is divided between high maintenance people and low maintenance people. My wife is very high maintenance while I'm more on the low end of high maintenance. We suit each other, because we both go out of our way to cater to the need to hear from each other daily. My sister-in-law is very low maintenance and won't necessarily call her husband to tell him that she has arrived somewhere safely. He, on the other hand, is extremely high maintenance and needs reassuring. She has had to learn to cater to him a bit more than she is used to. If you love someone, you can adjust, but it can be a cause of strife within the relationship.

It sounds like this relationship is the same way. She is low maintenance, and you are more high maintenance than she is.

Harshaw

I am pretty high maintenance, its gotten me into trouble in this relationship before. I'm trying to cool it this time through.
There is another added problem though. We are starting to get serious, so I am beginning to plan my life around her. I don't really like living in Utah, and before I met her, I was thinking about moving. When I am with her in Utah, its a fine place to live. But if she has made a new "friend" or is going out there to decide she is done dating me, I would like to know up front so I could start moving away from this state. The plan to move away has always been there, its just we were getting close enough that I figured in another year she might be willing to move with me.

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Fenster

I'm sorry if I sound rude, but judging by the lack of communication I'm seeing here in this relationship, it's a pretty far stretch to call it "serious". Save yourself some heartache and dump her.

skysooner

I disagree with Fenster. What she is doing is neglectful but it isn't necessarily deceitful. This is just how some people are wired. Sometimes all it takes is a gentle nudge to change a bit. IMHO, it is easier for a woman to change so they cater to a guy's high maintenance versus the other way just because women are generally more nurturing. If she is a keeper, just let her know how special she is when she gets back and how much you missed her (without overdoing it too much). This is a bit manipulative, but if it is how you feel it isn't bad.

scansinboy

And she didn't say in the email why she was out there, or what she had been doing all this time? Nothing to let you know that things were going to be alright, or was it just as vague as ever. Something along the lines of "I'm not telling you what I'm doing or where I am, just that I'll be back in about a month." ???
If it's that then I wouldn't do anything yet, just start to mentally prepare yourself that when and if she does come back, that it might very well be over at that point. At least that way, it won't be too bad of a shock to your system.

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Fenster

Exactly. Unfortunately for Harshaw, he is not wired as she is. This relationship will never work.

skysooner

I beg to differ on that too. Things can work even if people are wired differently. My sister-in-law and her husband are almost exactly like this. However, it means you really have to work your ass off and come to some mutual understanding. If it turns out she is unwilling to change at all, then it won't work for sure.

Stinky Pee

Who care if she is seeing someone or not. The whole situation is crap.
Forget and move on. Her actions were incredibly rude and impolite.

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G0dd3ss

Harshaw, what kind of business is your girl in? Does she have a job? I was just wondering how she can stay away from her home life so long without suffering consequences.

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jbrooks544

If you feel you can't live the rest of your life without this girl then do whatever you have to to show her how much you love her and try to win her back without seeming like a psycho stalker posessive obsessive and then propose to her. Even with all that you might get hurt.

Or, if she is anything less than the absolute perfect life mate - then assume that she is a lost cause, try to get over it. Don't contact her. If she wants a relationship then let her come back to you and tell you without you playing the fool and getting hurt and obsessing. If she really wants to be with you then she needs to share her feelings and try to explain herself to your liking when you say "I really missed you" . Don't chase her, see if she comes back and loves you. I wouldn't even answer her emails. If she cares and is worthy then she will come back and explain. Otherwise, forget her she is a flake.

Harshaw

She doesn't have a job, she has a fair amount of cash saved up, and several friends who are willing to put her up for any amount of time in California. Sounds like she is going out there to visit them all.

motdakasha

I'm with skysooner. Don't assume infidelity without decent reason (that's just rude). What she is doing is inconsiderate, but not so horrible as to just ditch her. It sounds like she spontaneously decided to stay longer than expected, simply because she can. Hell, if I had the opportunity to stay near Yosemite or Sequoia for an extended amount of time, for cheap or free, and I had no immediate worries (bills, work, etc.) I'd fucking snatch up that chance in a split second. If you've ever been to Yosemite or Sequoia, I'm sure you'd understand what I mean. When she comes back, and I think she will, I'd suggest trying to gently communicate to her how if she wants to be in a relationship with you, she needs to understand that you require more consideration/communication/warning in the future. (e.g. Don't rip into her when she gets home.)

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Battlefield

Um are these friends female or male? are they just friends?
Anyway as many have said sounds awfully fishy, and if my gf up and left w/o communicating with me more frequently than every 11 days I guarantee we would break up.

I mean..is that how you treat someone you love?

Harshaw

Yeah it is all kind of fishy. Her friends are male and female. As far as her hooking up with other people, her sexual code of ethics seems to be pretty strong. So I've decided to just not worry about it unless I get some strong evidence.
A large part of me wants to break it off, but I think I am going to wait it out. October 15th isn't that far away, if she stays longer than that it will be over though (unless things get better).

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Harshaw

I should probably just let this thread die, but its just been eating at me. Everyone here is pretty nice about giving advice etc...

On about the 25th my girlfriend sent me an email letting me know she was going to be out of communication for a while. I finally got an email from her today and it was really nice and really sweet. She talked about missing me, she did her little =* face. She was sympathetic about my stolen car and was obviously worried about me losing my job because of my car. She had everything in her email that I wanted and needed to hear except for the #1 thing; She still is dancing around when she will be back.

Normally when I get email from her, no matter what my mood is at the time, I become very pleased. This time, I just felt worse. This is probably one of the top 3 nicest emails I have ever received and I feel no desire to even respond. I just feel hollowed out right now, I don't think I am going to respond. Mostly I need to think, I was going to leave Utah after college, but I met her so I stayed. Now I am beginning to think about my original plan of joining the coast guard. I would much rather get a normal office job and live with her in Utah, but I'm not sure how much I want to be stalling on my second plan if she is going to continue to be so flighty.

The people I talk to (family, friends) have been trying to tell me that I am eating way too much crap in this relationship, I'm starting to think they might be right.

Mostly I just can't believe that I have an email from her and for the first time ever, I just want to delete it and join the coast guard.

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Johnny Rotten

I've always paid attention to my gut instincts.

Prince

I could be wrong. In fact, I probably am. But it all just feels really wrong... I don't want to throw any assumptions around because all they would serve for is make you feel worse or paranoid. If you are willing to stick it out, then, you probably should... But personally, if she has money to blow then she can buy a calling card for ten bucks and call you. I think you should ask her to do that...emails are so vague, but talking to her you might begin to feel the way you used to, or alternatively, you might immediately feel like something's out of whack.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

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wry1

Unlike skysooner and motdakasha, I agree with the majority that you really need to put yourself past this one.

It's not a question of fidelity. For all you, I, and everybody else on this forum knows, she's been the perfect model of chastity and virtue while away. I'm not questioning that in the least.

What I am questioning is her commitment to the relationship. I too would gladly spend time either for free or cheap with my friends all over the globe if I had the opportunity and the means to get there; I wouldn't, however, be so blatantly inconsiderate as to ignore anyone I was in a relationship with - especially to the point of giving virtually no notice of my impending departure.

Factor in her inability or unwillingness to share her experiences with you (either via e-mail or by phone, letter, carrier-pigeon) and her vague hints at possibly coming back sometime, and I get a picture of someone whose focus does not include you....except as a side-thought.

Yes, I know you got an e-mail. And yes, I know she commiserated with you on your recent turn of bad luck. But did she share anything with you from her end? Did she include you in her life? That's the key thing that's missing; the thing that makes you want to delete that letter and join the Coast Guard. She'll share in your life enough to be "there" in a minimal sense, but you've been excluded from hers in a most abrupt and complete fashion.

Sorry motdakasha and skysooner.....I just can't see why you'd expect him to stay shut-out of her life.

Harshaw, do the gut-check. If this strikes a chord with you, do what you feel is right. I'm only giving an opinion, and only you can make the decision what should be done next. Just know that you'll always be supported here on the TFP.

tekaweni

I havent been in on this thread, but read through everything before posting now.

Dude you and this lady have a lack of communication that borders on the insane. Put a date on this, let her know it and that you have had to make a Plan B, and see if she does anything about it.

She may be genuine but you cant do this indefintely without some sort of explanation.

I reckon her reply will be your answer.

I sincerely hope it's good.

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cj2112

I would reply to the email, let her know how you are feeling and ask her point blank where the relationship stands. I don't know that i would stay in the relationship, I don't know that I would leave. But I do de know that I would base my decision upon what my gut was telling me about it.