I need a point of view from people uninvolved
 

Here's my story --

Been dating her for 1.5 years. She's a great person and I very much care for her.

But I fear I've let things go too far. I think perhaps I deluded myself into false emotions.

It's all just so convenient. A smiling face to talk to and share problems with. Someone to spend time with. Someone to make love with.

But with her graduating from college and me still being a student, I am staring right in the face of reality. We're nearing that juncture where we need to decide if we want to take the relationship to a higher level.

I don't even have to think about it for a second -- the answer is "no".

I mean, she's a great person. I person I care a lot about. But I really have zero interest in committing further to her.

When and if she moves away for a job or whatever, the convenience which I think I may be addicted to will all but vanish. I don't feel like it's worth struggling through a long-distance relationship. Not in the least.

Marriage? No way. I can in no form or fashion imagine myself spending the rest of my life with this girl. We get along quite well, but we don't share any common interests. I don't things could ever go further between us. The relationship is stagnant, and I don't see any room for growth.

Not to say that things are that bad. I have several complaints, but for the most part things are still pleasurable.

The worst part? I'm almost certain that she has a much deeper and enduring interest in me than I do in her. I really really don't want to hurt this girl. I'm so afraid of it.

Isn't it my fault that I haven't told her those things that bother me most?

Isn't it my fault that I deluded myself into feeling things that weren't really there?

Isn't it my fault for becoming addicted to all the conveniences?

I don't know what to do. I'm so lost.

Am I a sadistic madman out to wound every female possible as vengeance for past experiences, whilst tricking myself into believing that my intentions were honorable?

Or maybe . . .

Maybe I'm in the middle of a depressive episode and I actually *do* have those feelings for this girl. Maybe if I wait a little longer, I'll turn around again and everything will be fine.

I just don't know.

You know I had the EXACT same thing happen to me only I was the one that graduated, we were even living together, we got a long and were by that point only dating by proximity, or at least that's what it felt like. I ended it and moved out when our lease was up. I felt like a total heel for doing it to. Breaking up and coming to terms with these kinds of feelings are never easy, but that doesn't mean that you're a bad person for having them.

It's not your fault that you haven't told her these things because up to this point you haven't had reason to think on them.

It isn't your fault that you deluded yourself into feeling things that wern't really there because you DID feel them. There is no such thing as a feeling that lies. If you feel it it's true. You may find out later that your motivations for your feelings were differents than you origionally thought, but you still felt those things, so you never felt something that wasn't true.

It's not your fault for becoming addicted to the convenience. It's human nature to define relationships between ourselves and other people, and after a while comfort is something that everyone wants. Everyone wants to be comfortable and that's not something you can blame yourself for.

You're a good guy. Sometimes things don't work out, and that doesn't make it your fault. Even if you always seem to be the one breaking things off, that just means that you come to a realization, a conclusion and that's the right thing to do, even if it sucks. It seems to me that I'm always the one breaking things off, that I'm the one thats being mean, but this month I met a girl. She left me. Now I get it. I respect her terribly for what she did. She knew that I wanted more than she did. She knew that I would get hurt if it went on. She broke my heart, and it was the right thing to do. I can see that.

I'll leave you with my favorite quote:

"Harm is not when you bring someone pain. Harm is when you don't care."
-From Parables for our Modern Age, by Jackie Robinson
(Nobilis: Sean R. Borgstrom)

Good luck.

It appears that Golux is probably right, but I cannot be certain for I have not lived it myself, and thereby cannot give a valid oppinion.

Re: I need a point of view from people uninvolved
 

I hate to be negative. However...

I really believe that you must break up with this girl. If everything is as you say, then she will be hurt. In a sense, the damage has been done.

I say this from experience. You do not want to be involved in a false relationship.

Life's a bitch, no?

Good luck....

-D.S.

damn that situation sounds like it sucks.

i wish you the best of luck man.

Re: I need a point of view from people uninvolved
 

By the sounds of that I'd break it off. Tell her the truth. There's no point to waste any more of her time or yours if that's how you feel. The longer you wait the harder it will be to tell her.

No,

You're not a sadist madman, nor will you develop feelings that haven't developed by now.

You're simply comfortable in a relationship where it is.

That being said, ARE you leading her on? Be honest. It sounds like you know where things are. You need to have the testicular fortitude to tell this lady what this relationship means to you and what you expect and DON'T expect out of it, for your sake and hers.

Don't you think she deserves that respect?

You have to have more than convenience. Looking back I think that my marriage started because it was so convenient for the both of us. When our kids moved out we found that there was nothing without them.

Obviously you care or you wouldn't agonize over this. You will have to bite the bullet and have a heart to heart with her on this or you could both live to regret it.

It sounds like you are being honest with yourself and have assessed the situation fairly. Good job. That's more than a lot of people can do.

Break it off. It will be painful. It will be wierd. It will suck.

But its got to be done, and you know it.

You were probably hoping that someone would tell you a way to avoid hurting your lover. Sorry. But the longer you carry on, the more you will hurt her when the inevitable happens.

best of luck

If after a year and a half you haven't figured out if you love her it is time to move on. I knew I ws in love after a couple months the first time it happened. We lasted 5 years till school put us on oposite sides of the country for 3 years. The second time it was instantly. I have been with my second love for 15 years now.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you have an honest and genuine grasp of the situation, and I also think that you probably already know what you need to do.

In regards to your "Is this just a depressive episode.." question, I think that is a real question you need to ask. But, from the sounds of it, I honestly doubt that that is the case. If that was true, you probably wouldn't have been agonizing over this for such a long time. Besides, do you find yourself dissatisfied with other aspects of your life that you should be pleased with?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming to be a shrink here. But I do think that if it was merely an episode you're going through, you wouldn't be experiencing the types of feelings and questions that you're going through.

I know what you are talking about because this DID happen to me.

Don't waste her time. Don't waste her love. Let her go, let her find someone who does deserve her.

Yeah.

Thanks for the responses, guys.

I feel a bit less like a horrible monster now.

This won't be pretty . . .

I've been in this same position once or twice now, and i can tell you that i've decided that life, as we always have believed, is a long journey- except that at the end, we all reach a precipice- the top of a hill, the edge of a cliff- in our lives... should you walk her, happy, all the way to the edge of her happiness and then push her off, or should you simply leave her behind you as you continue on without her? Which do you think is more painful? Leave her behind, man, it's really what's best.

It never is man, but waiting will only make it worse.

I wish the both of you the best of luck.

The last mistake I made with my love life was being impatient. I think about it most everyday. BE PATIENT. You never know what you've got till it's gone. I know that is a cliche but it is true to the bone. Wait a while, if she moves and you miss her, the relationship and your feelings can grow to monumental heights.
Although there is a chance the love will go sour and you are right, you have to ask yourself...will you feel a sense of loss?

I dated a striper with 4 kids, yes that sucked, and I followed false emotions. I knew it wouldn't work out but I forced myself to stay with her for 2 years. Even if you force it, and act on make-belive emotions, it always seems to be a problem someware else. What I mean, is it is not the fact that she is graduating and moving away, it is the fact that there are deeper problems between the two of you that no one even realizes, these problems are rooted from the begining of the relationship, and most relationships now a days arent started out proprerly. You have to be best best friends before becoming intimate.

If you can't say yes I'll move with you or are unable to waite untill you graduate, there is something else wrong. Don't try to fix it, there isn't enough time. Your in college, PARTY, that's what I did. You'll find someone else, and she will be even better, and she will let you look at the titty board :)

Ok boys move aside...girl advice forthcoming. It's so simple...Antagony if you know for a fact you are not in love with this girl & have absolutely no intention of carrying it farther than you have it now then break it off. You are worried about hurting her down the road when/if things get serious....well if you know right now that she is in for a world of hurt then do yourselves both a favor and let her go now with no hard feelings.
She will thank you in the long run when she meets the person who is the right one for her.