Holding hands in public
 

I hope this is the right forum, it's a sexual relationship but my question here isn't of a sexual nature...

Anyway, my girlfriend likes to hold hands all the time. I mean <i>all the time</i>. I'm usually fine with holding hands, it's nice, but I can't take a single step without her pouting or wanting to hold my hand. No matter where we go, if we're out, or just walking down the hallway in the house, she wants us to hold hands.

Sometimes I like it too, but normally I just find it totally unecessary and juvenile and I feel like we're children, walking around holding hands all the time.

What can I do about this? Most of the time I put up with it, relationships are about give and take of course, but the times when I feel it's juvenile, what can I do? When I try and talk to her about it she gets upset and thinks I don't want to be seen in public as a couple.

Thanks for any advise... and yes, I do realize this is totally trivial, but it's been driving me nuts for months :(

That's odd.

I'm guessing that she has some attachment issues. She's affraid that is she's not holding on to you that you're gonna leave. And she's taken the holding on way to seriously.

I understand that doesn't help but I'm not really sure what to say.

It is not trivial if you are feeling uncomfortable. I agree with World's King that it sounds like she may some attachment issues. It also sounds like you need your space. Maybe it is time to see a counselor together. Having an "outsider" and professional help you process together could take aways some of the sting and help address the real issue.

I'm guessing it's a dependency/trust/confidence issue. She's probably the kind of person who utterly relies on their SO to live and breath. Maybe she doesn't trust you'll come back or something silly. Maybe she's has insecurities and needs to make a big show out of PDA (pet peeve).

Try explaining to her that it's not necessary to be glued at the hips 24-7 for people to know and see you're a couple. Remind her that you don't mind being seen in public at other times, it's just that sometimes you need space--time to be just you. Reassure her that once that time has passed, you will go back to PDA. Honestly, it's a tough situation because she sounds so insecure. Really, the best way to go about it would be a counselor, but there is a cost issue there.

Personally, if she doesn't lay off on you about that and just doesn't get it, I would leave her. That's just me though. Excessive PDA irks me to no end.

Thanks for the replies. She recognizes she is very insecure and she freely admits it, but it seems that's all she does. We've recently been having a few ather large arguments about her clinginess and her seeming inability to accept that time apart (or even not constantly holding hands) is healthy and good.

I'm going to leave it for a week or two and see how it goes when we're not holding hands all the time. We're both adults and I like to act and be treated as one, and constant holding hands seems so juvenile to me.

And motdakasha, thanks for telling me you're not fond of too much public displays of affection. Sometimes it's nice to see it, but usually I find it incredibly inappropriate to see couples all over each other while everyone else has to politely look away. And I feel cheap if we're out and we do that sort of thing. I think our displays of affection should be kept to ourselves.

I'm okay with PDA if it's subtle and not intrusive or tacky to other people.

See how things play out over the next two months. Make a mental note of her behavior pre-time apart, during time apart, and if there is a post time apart. If she goes back to pre-time apart unchanged, then she's made no real effort to overcome her insecurities. From there you can choose to be a good guy or bad guy. You can opt to coddle her until she gets over her insecurities or you can leave her if you don't have the patience to try to help someone who probably doesn't want it.

I think what you've done so far have been good choices. Let us know how things turn out.

Did her real or step father die/leave her at a relatively early age? Sounds like she has serious codependency problems, probably from something in early childhood which explains why it manifests itself in something so juvenile. Maybe she had a bad trauma once as a little girl of being lost somewhere, like in a mall. That can trigger something like this too. Counseling is the best for this. Reassure her on a regular basis that you don't have to hold hands for her to be SAFE. Get off that "we don't have to hold hands to be seen as a couple" idea, that's not the problem here. She has safety issues. She needs to know that she's still safe even if you're not holding her hand, that you're not going to leave her stranded somewhere. Try hugging her more. It sounds like holding hands is taking the place of other PDA as well. When she goes for the hand some time, pull her in slowly for a good hug, and tell her how important she is to you, how you'll never let anything happen to her. See if she backs down a bit. This will take repetition, it won't happen on the first or second try. But if it does, you're on the right path.

If you can't, or just don't like her enough, I'd recommend splitting up, and tell her exactly how you feel. You like/love her, but you're not used to that extreme physical need, and that a good stand-the-test-of-time relationship means making the best of time apart, not breaking down, and security doesn't come from holding hands, it comes from love.

I think you might be onto something there analog, she lives with her parents, has a job and a drivers' licence, is a university student etc. but is still treated like a child at home. She's Asian and her family lets her older brother do whatever he wants, but she's still stuck at home obeying their rules no matter what. They know she is an adult but hey say that as long as she is under their roof, no matter how old or mature she is, she obeys their rules. I think that may be it, she's so used to being protected and perhaps not so much pushed around, but taken care of in every way that when she's out with me she doesn't know how to be herself and be independent.

Wow, and I thought this was simply me being too detached or not affectionate, or her being too affectionate...

umm maybe she just likes being close to you? fuck heh i think maybe your all lookin too far into this...co dependency? her father leaving her at an early age? maybe she just likes being near the guy....some ppl just might like to display public affection as much as you might not like to dislplay it..if that makes any sense. holding hands isnt juvinile...if it makes you happy with the person you are with.

Sheesh, what's wrong with holding hands with someone whom you love and adore? Maybe to her it's a bond of intimacy, and maybe she feels that it is necessary to assure that you feel as close to her as she does to you. Besides, why do you need you hands to be anywhere else?

collide, anything can be nice in moderation.

are you a federal agent, who needs to have his weapon hand free at all times?

i like to hold hands. its a sweet, and intimate form of affection. but sometimes its just not comfortable (ie, cos of the hot weather or other stuff).

like matdakasha said... its all about moderation.

Moderation is key, sometimes my wife wants to do the same thing, but what I have found that works for me is holding her hand for a minute or so then gentily letting go, makes us both happy when I am feeling a little to myself. Try it out.

My wife is VERY clingy/possessive. We've been together for almost 13 years so far with no end in sight. Let her know that you still care for her even when your not holding hands, but that sometimes you need your space. Mabe quitely tell her, I am going to let go now, but I'll be here and we can hold hands in a minute.
Communication and compromise are the keys to lasting relationships.

Go with what meff said. Moderation.

maybe your a hottie and she wants all the girls to see u are taken

..

My girlfriend and I always hold hands when going out.. We just like to stay close to each other, I really don't see what is wrong with that. I don't see it as juvenile at all

I had a girl like that once....turns out she was an attention whore & she craved it from me. (Heh)
But I think if she wants to show affection like that all the time, maybe she has some other problems in her life & she feels like you need to be there to relieve her. Maybe you're expressing a "lack-of-love" towards her so she is trying to bring it out of you with some PDA or maybe she feels lonely. Or even possibly, she doesn't want you/girls looking at girls/you because she is afraid of you leaving her. She just sounds insecure to me.

She may just enjoy the closeness and/or physical contact. It doesn't seem juvenile at all to me. If it's really bothering you, you might hint to her that the holding hands thing is fine once in a while (even most of the time), but that at times you'd like your space (?) (sorry, I'm not sure exactly why you don't want to do this).

As you said, compromises and concessions have to be made in any relationship and I think that if she's unwilling to let go of your hand once in a while, even though it obviously makes you somewhat uncomfortable, that's definitely an issue you should bring up with her.

Thanks for all the replies everyone, I really do appreciate it. Some things happened today... I made another post a few weeks ago about getting tested for STDs. We finally did that today and I thought everything was ok, I was so relieved that after months and months of putting it off she finally said OK.

Later tonight she had a big argument with me about me not being affectionate enough, even though I've really been trying. We decided that I would try and be more open about my feelings and express things a bit more (after considering more how distant and detached I probably appear a lot of the time), and she would perhaps tone it down a little bit since she knows I like my space and I'm a pretty independent person.

Anyway, she's had a tough past few days and today she snapped and went nuts because I was holding her hand, but she thought I was forcing myself to do it against my will and I was only being affectionate just to please her.

It's all a very mixed up situation, I know now that although she can be a bit over bearing with her clinginess, I'm probably just as at fault for being too distant and detached when it comes to this sort of thing.

I'm not sure where we stand right now, when she went to work & then home today we left on a pretty sour note...

Funny how we finally got the STD test and then the very same day everything turns to s--t!

May not be that 'funny' that it truned to shit on the day of your test. That has to be a bit stressful, even in the best of situations. She probably needed more reassurance from you than you would normally provide. I don't think the two of you will find a happy medium where her requirements will be easily met by you. Although you might be able to both agree that there isn't a lot either of you can do about it and accept it as it is. I was in a relationship similar to yours. I wasn't comfortable with giving up as much of myself as she wanted. Had nothing to do with my feelings. It was unnatural for me to be so giving and unnatural for her to be less needy. We tried, but in the end it didn't work. The needy part manifested itself in several other areas beyond PDA. Had nothing to do with our feelings for each other. Which made it all that much harder.

Craven - It sounds like your position is really, really similar to mine. It's reassuring to know that I'm not in this boat alone, or my girlfriend and I aren't in this boat alone, rather. I see what you're saying about it being unnatural for each of us to act more or less needy. Sorry to hear your relationship didn't turn out, I suppose I have doubts about my relationship too since it is an issue that comes up often, once a week or more on average. We're both still young, still in university, so I guess as long as I think we can make it work, if not forever then for a long time, then I'll still try. And when I said it was funny I think I wasn't serious, I was really devastated about it and I thought it was ironic that my day could start out so well and end up so badly.

But I've been talking to her again tonight and things are progressing slowly but surely... I've been explaining what I've been saying here. I think some things will be OK. :)

I would tell her that you hear her and understand that she wants you less distant and that you will work on it.

You need to tell her that she needs to hear you when you tell her that sometimes you won't be holding her hand and that her obsession with it is putting the entire relationship at risk. Assure her that you love her and try to tell her that the minute to minute status of your hand holding should not be "read into" being a relationship barometer. If she doesn't listen and/or respect your wishes or just calm the F___ down about it, then she is a wingnut and you should run for the hills. She might be at least partly the first half of O.C.D. (obsessive compulsive disorder) or something similar. She might need an anxiety med. If she doesn't straighten up and become normal - by herself or through miracles of modern pharmacology, then you might just give her the boot to preserve your own sanity...