Burned Orgasm Calories - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

GSRIDER · 08-21-2003, 12:09 PM

Now I'm not a big calorie counter by any means. But I heard once long ago that you could burn 1200 calories with every orgasm. I held this fact to be true. I think I even went on an "orgasm wieghtloss plan" .

So today I'm yappin with the girl in the cube next to me and were talking fitness and what not, I spew out the useless trivia I heard years ago. We both laugh, talk about masterbation and sex and then I go work out.

So I'm on one of them eliptical trainers that tells you how many calories you've burned. I'm sweating like a dog after 30 minutes and I've only burned 400 calories.

So I no longer believe the tale of 1200 per O. So I investigated. And I assume this is also a joke but I'm posting it anyway.

Sex calorie chart

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I edited one stupid one

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Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size 22 calories
Oversize 15 calories
Tremendous 8 calories
Teensy-weensy 163 calories

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Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) 25 calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation) 40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height 18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man 90 calories
While in traction
(very useful during ski season) 124 calories

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Locations
On a bar stool 20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic 38 calories
In a phone booth, standing 14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down 274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat 24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat 42 calories
On an airliner, window seat 30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory 100 calories

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Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing 7 calories
Sliding around 9 calories
Serious Skidding 12 calories
Full cartwheel 20 calories
Whiplash 27 calories
Knee burn 6 calories
Chafed elbows 5 calories
Chafed nose 11 calories

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Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp) 3 calories
Wheezing 5 calories
Squeals 4 calories
Ecstatic moaning 11 calories
Low growling 8 calories
Squishing 10 calories
Shouting 16 calories
Screaming 18 calories
Urgent begging 22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions
("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.) 25 calories

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Approaching Orgasm
Letting go 5.5 calories
Controlling yourself 79 calories
Digging nails into your partner's back 11 calories
Trembling 15 calories
Shaking 20 calories
Shuddering 25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open 33 calories

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Orgasm
Real 27 calories
Faked 160 calories

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Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn't change 1/2 calorie
Face turned purple 15 calories
Orchestra swelled 6 calories
Magical explosions 10 calories
Blazing Sheets 25 calories
Earth moved 30 calories
Vesuvius erupted 47 calories
You began moaning in Latin 60 calories

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Pulling Out
After orgasm 1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm 500 calories

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Multiple Orgasms
For women:
2 14 calories
5 30 calories
8 47 calories
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
2 21 calories
3 39 calories
4 57 calories
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

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Special Orgasms
Clitoral. 15 calories
Vaginal 21 calories
Penile 21 calories
Scrotile 15 calories
Rectal 25 calories
Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal) 30 calories

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Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion 2 calories
During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) 5 calories
During foreplay 3 calories
Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) 4 calories

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Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.

For Women
Frustration 8 calories
Anger 15 calories
Violent mood swing 20 calories
Surpressing rage 25 calories
Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) 65 calories
For Men:
Cursing 10 calories
Apologising 3 calories
Snivelling 5 calories
Pleading for mercy 8 calories
Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) 15 calories

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Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning 6 calories
Palpitations 10 calories
Shortness of breath 5 calories
Perspiring 8 calories

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Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny desposition 1 calorie

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Recovering
Un-entwining 3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) 7 calories
Standing up 9 calories
Getting some juice 11 calories

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Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.) 18 calories
During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) 32 calories
During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) 12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot 80 calories

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Trying Again
If the woman is ready 5 calories
If the man is not 156 calories

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Dreaming
Regular dream 2 calories
Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories
Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) 20 calories

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Group Sex
Introducing yourself 3 calories
Overcoming shyness 8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly 4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly 62 calories
Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are) 16 calories
Mixed doubles 26 calories
Being nice to everyone 100 calories
Anger
(You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) 10 calories
Finding your clothes 5 calories

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Masturbation
For pleasure only 6 calories
For exercise, too 10 calories
For relief from tension 12 calories
To pass the time 7 calories
To avoid overeating 16 calories
To get in touch with inner self 10 calories
To get in touch with outter self 10.5 calories
To avoid insanity 24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) 9 calories
Using your hand(s) 11 calories
Using your finger(s) 9 calories
Using tweezers 2 calories
Using an inflatable doll 24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) 19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand-operated 12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup 9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric 5 calories
Using anything not mentioned here 50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket 2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat 78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat 3 calories

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Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did 4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn't do 8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual 10 calories
Climaxing too soon 5 calories
Climaxing too late 6 calories
Not climaxing 20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object 9 calories
Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object 47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm 88 calories

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Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm 6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field 8 calories
Penis envy 72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak 25 calories

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Getting Caught
By partner's spouse 60 calories
By your spouse 60.5 calories
Trying to explain 165 calories
Stuttering 28 calories
Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) 40 calories

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Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm 100 calories
Fright (includes trembling) 66 calories
Leaping out of bed 25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion 300 calories
Thanking partner quickly 2 calories
Jumping out of window
add 5 calories if window wasn't open 15 calories
Landing 1 calorie
Running very fast 50 calories

Rodney · 08-21-2003, 12:43 PM

The figure I heard was about 150-200 calories for sex of under 20 minutes or so.

The male body does use a fair amount of energy making semen, but I think that's just part of general overhead.

kalashnikov · 08-21-2003, 11:46 PM

Well, that was quite thorough. In a phone booth, lying down? I don't even know how that is possible. I wonder how many calories the author spent thinking of this much crap. A whole lot of BS, but funny though.

Pooface · 08-21-2003, 11:50 PM

Yea 1200 is alot of calories. Althought I wish it was true.

Sleepyjack · 08-22-2003, 02:36 AM

yeah some of that was pretty funny

The recommended daily intake is normally 1200 calories, or that could be kilojoules? generally use metric, so i think its kilojoules.

The real answer woulr be comprable to what rodney said. Although there are too many variables when it somes to sex to accuratly measure. I can't imainge calorie counting and keeping track of it all whilst doing it...

Menoman · 08-22-2003, 07:02 AM

If it was 1200, Sexoholics would have a lethal disease.

SiN · 08-22-2003, 07:41 AM

erm...

fyi, what is commonly referred to as a 'calorie' in the US is really a kilocalorie.

so, the 1200 'calories' could be reasonable-ish, when you consider it's only 120 (kilo)calories of the kind you're used to dealing with.

fallen_angel · 08-30-2003, 12:18 PM

wow I only burned 1029, dang room mate didnt want to wake her up. . . Eowyn_Vala sleeps very deeply sometimes. . . thank goodness!!

shortly there after we bought some WD40 to put on the bed frames!!!! mostly her idea for her and her man too

wry1 · 08-30-2003, 02:49 PM

I can attest to the While In Traction section. I had a bunk-up with one of the staffers at the hospital I was in - okay, I knew the girl before hand - and yes, it DOES burn calories to not participate enough to injure the body part in traction (in my case, my leg) further.

Not my favorite way to have sex, but it worked!

08-21-2003, 12:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
GSRIDER spurt king Location: Out of my mind	Burned Orgasm Calories Now I'm not a big calorie counter by any means. But I heard once long ago that you could burn 1200 calories with every orgasm. I held this fact to be true. I think I even went on an "orgasm wieghtloss plan" . So today I'm yappin with the girl in the cube next to me and were talking fitness and what not, I spew out the useless trivia I heard years ago. We both laugh, talk about masterbation and sex and then I go work out. So I'm on one of them eliptical trainers that tells you how many calories you've burned. I'm sweating like a dog after 30 minutes and I've only burned 400 calories. So I no longer believe the tale of 1200 per O. So I investigated. And I assume this is also a joke but I'm posting it anyway. Sex calorie chart ------------------------------------------ I edited one stupid one -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Satisfying Partner (organ size) Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside. Normal size 22 calories Oversize 15 calories Tremendous 8 calories Teensy-weensy 163 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Positions Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) 20 calories Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) 25 calories From the rear (Mysterious variation) 40 1/2 calories Standing: Both partners of equal height 18 calories Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man 90 calories While in traction (very useful during ski season) 124 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Locations On a bar stool 20 calories Rear of a Honda Civic 38 calories In a phone booth, standing 14 calories In a phone booth, lying down 274 calories On an airliner, aisle seat 24 calories On an airliner, middle seat 42 calories On an airliner, window seat 30 calories On an airliner, in the lavatory 100 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Possible Side Effects of Intercourse Bouncing 7 calories Sliding around 9 calories Serious Skidding 12 calories Full cartwheel 20 calories Whiplash 27 calories Knee burn 6 calories Chafed elbows 5 calories Chafed nose 11 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sex Related Noises Short gasps (per gasp) 3 calories Wheezing 5 calories Squeals 4 calories Ecstatic moaning 11 calories Low growling 8 calories Squishing 10 calories Shouting 16 calories Screaming 18 calories Urgent begging 22 calories Any short speech giving partner directions ("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.) 25 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Approaching Orgasm Letting go 5.5 calories Controlling yourself 79 calories Digging nails into your partner's back 11 calories Trembling 15 calories Shaking 20 calories Shuddering 25 calories Trying to keep eyes open 33 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Orgasm Real 27 calories Faked 160 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Orgasmic Intensity Scale Expression didn't change 1/2 calorie Face turned purple 15 calories Orchestra swelled 6 calories Magical explosions 10 calories Blazing Sheets 25 calories Earth moved 30 calories Vesuvius erupted 47 calories You began moaning in Latin 60 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pulling Out After orgasm 1/4 calorie A few moments before orgasm 500 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Multiple Orgasms For women: 2 14 calories 5 30 calories 8 47 calories (Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.) For Men: 2 21 calories 3 39 calories 4 57 calories (For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Special Orgasms Clitoral. 15 calories Vaginal 21 calories Penile 21 calories Scrotile 15 calories Rectal 25 calories Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) 30 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Premature Ejaculation* During insertion 2 calories During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) 5 calories During foreplay 3 calories Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) 4 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Consequences of Premature Ejaculation Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. For Women Frustration 8 calories Anger 15 calories Violent mood swing 20 calories Surpressing rage 25 calories Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) 65 calories For Men: Cursing 10 calories Apologising 3 calories Snivelling 5 calories Pleading for mercy 8 calories Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) 15 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Possible Side Effects of Good Sex The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include: Swooning 6 calories Palpitations 10 calories Shortness of breath 5 calories Perspiring 8 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex A less-than-sunny desposition 1 calorie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recovering Un-entwining 3 calories Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) 7 calories Standing up 9 calories Getting some juice 11 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rolling Over and Going to Sleep After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.) 18 calories During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) 32 calories During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) 12 calories Avoiding the wet spot 80 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying Again If the woman is ready 5 calories If the man is not 156 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dreaming Regular dream 2 calories Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) 20 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Group Sex Introducing yourself 3 calories Overcoming shyness 8 calories Swapping partners, willingly 4 calories Swapping partners, unwillingly 62 calories Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) 16 calories Mixed doubles 26 calories Being nice to everyone 100 calories Anger (You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) 10 calories Finding your clothes 5 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Masturbation For pleasure only 6 calories For exercise, too 10 calories For relief from tension 12 calories To pass the time 7 calories To avoid overeating 16 calories To get in touch with inner self 10 calories To get in touch with outter self 10.5 calories To avoid insanity 24 calories To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) 9 calories Using your hand(s) 11 calories Using your finger(s) 9 calories Using tweezers 2 calories Using an inflatable doll 24 calories Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) 19 calories Using a vibrator, hand-operated 12 calories Using a vibrator, windup 9 calories Using a vibrator, electric 5 calories Using anything not mentioned here 50 calories In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket 2.5 calories In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat 78 calories In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat 3 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Typical Sex-Related Fears Partner hates me for what I did 4 calories Partner hates me for what I didn't do 8 calories Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual 10 calories Climaxing too soon 5 calories Climaxing too late 6 calories Not climaxing 20 calories Partner thinks of me as a sex object 9 calories Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object 47 calories Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm 88 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Personal Fears Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm 6 calories Stretch marks that look like a plowed field 8 calories Penis envy 72 calories Body odor of a disgruntled yak 25 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Getting Caught By partner's spouse 60 calories By your spouse 60.5 calories Trying to explain 165 calories Stuttering 28 calories Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) 40 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost Getting Caught Trying to remain calm 100 calories Fright (includes trembling) 66 calories Leaping out of bed 25 calories Getting dressed in one large motion 300 calories Thanking partner quickly 2 calories Jumping out of window add 5 calories if window wasn't open 15 calories Landing 1 calorie Running very fast 50 calories __________________ No signature at this time.

08-21-2003, 11:46 PM	#3 (permalink)
kalashnikov Insane Location: St. Paul	Well, that was quite thorough. In a phone booth, lying down? I don't even know how that is possible. I wonder how many calories the author spent thinking of this much crap. A whole lot of BS, but funny though. __________________ 'Charmant, respektlos, und immer betrunken.'

08-21-2003, 11:50 PM	#4 (permalink)
Pooface Tilted Location: Location: Location: Location: Location: Location:	Yea 1200 is alot of calories. Althought I wish it was true. __________________ Better read fast, this post is coming down.

08-22-2003, 07:41 AM	#7 (permalink)
SiN strangelove Location: ...more here than there...	erm... fyi, what is commonly referred to as a 'calorie' in the US is really a kilocalorie. so, the 1200 'calories' could be reasonable-ish, when you consider it's only 120 (kilo)calories of the kind you're used to dealing with. __________________ - + - ° GiRLie GeeK ° - + - ° 01110010011011110110111101110100001000000110110101100101 Therell be days/When Ill stray/I may appear to be/Constantly out of reach/I give in to sin/Because I like to practise what I preach

08-30-2003, 12:18 PM	#8 (permalink)
fallen_angel Psycho Location: Somewhere between the Havens and the Earth	wow I only burned 1029, dang room mate didnt want to wake her up. . . Eowyn_Vala sleeps very deeply sometimes. . . thank goodness!! shortly there after we bought some WD40 to put on the bed frames!!!! mostly her idea for her and her man too __________________ from the Havens I have fallen. . . to the earth as a mangled form. . . writhing in pain, my wings torn and bloodied. . . I have one purpose, only one goal. . . to find you and love you, for I am your. . . fallen angel

08-21-2003, 12:43 PM	#2 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	The figure I heard was about 150-200 calories for sex of under 20 minutes or so. The male body does use a fair amount of energy making semen, but I think that's just part of general overhead.

08-22-2003, 02:36 AM	#5 (permalink)
Sleepyjack Fast'n'Bulbous Location: Australia, Perth	yeah some of that was pretty funny The recommended daily intake is normally 1200 calories, or that could be kilojoules? generally use metric, so i think its kilojoules. The real answer woulr be comprable to what rodney said. Although there are too many variables when it somes to sex to accuratly measure. I can't imainge calorie counting and keeping track of it all whilst doing it...

08-30-2003, 02:49 PM	#9 (permalink)
wry1 Loser Location: Far too far from my Angel....	I can attest to the While In Traction section. I had a bunk-up with one of the staffers at the hospital I was in - okay, I knew the girl before hand - and yes, it DOES burn calories to not participate enough to injure the body part in traction (in my case, my leg) further. Not my favorite way to have sex, but it worked!