AFRAID of sex?
 

I've been going out with my girl for over a year now, and I sure can tell you, it's been tough. Although we always have oral sex and mutually masturbate, we never have sex. We've probably had sex about 10 times (once a month), and she was always up tight and nervous. I finally confronted her about this, and she said she's afraid, because her friend got pregnant even though she was on birth control and the guy was wearing a condom.
My girlfriend is on birth control, and I wear a condom all the time....but it seems like since this happened I am doomed because she KNOWS in her head that I will somehow get her pregnant. I complained to her that it's REALLY unlikely, and she told me that I don't understand, and blah blah blah.

What do I do in this situation? I'm a guy who needs sex, but I could NOT see myself without this girl. She means the world to me. Am I supposed to wait until we get married, and have our careers at a good enough point so she won't have to worry about having babies hopping around?

Or is there a way I can show her the facts of pregnancy with condoms AND birth control at the same time? If so, I have to find a way to tell her about the statistics, without me shoving it in her face, or she'll know I just want to satisfy myself, and not her.

Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Talking and honesty is the key.
Keep the subject alive, bring it up (not too often!) every now and then.

Such a thing is hard ot get out of your mind. Perhaps you could suggest talking to a physician or something to discuss the real risks.

No matter what, patience is required!

Make sure you don't mention you're someone who needs sex. That'll put unneeded pressure on her as she probably wants to have sex also, but she's afraid right now and rightly so.

As a side question, what kind of birth control is she on?

the pill is nearly foolproof if used properly. if her friend missed pills or was on the wrong dosage then THAT'S the reason she got pregnant. it wasn't a failure of the pill.

what's the pill's success ratio? like 98% or so? and let's say a condom's success (again, used properly) is 95%, that means using both is 99.9% effective. That's one in a thousand, and even though you think your girl is one in a million, you two aren't 1 in a thousand. you're one of the other 999 couples who don't get pregnant.

I'd talk to her about the proper use of birth control, get some facts and figures and just honestly talk about how you two can use birth control effectively. Make sure she's on the pill and she always takes it at the same time each day. Practice putting a condom on so that you both can do it. I'm sure her friend CLAIMS that they used their birth control properly. That's because no one wants to admit they screwed up.

Once you both know the proper methods for birth control then she will probably feel a lot better about sex.

is she this uptight about other things? if so, take a step back and maybe you and this girl aren't as compatible as you think.

Or maybe they are compatible and he's got a real problem here. I think he's got a real problem here. I wish them luck in working on it.

Sounds like she might have been brainwashed early on. Moms/dads are good at doing this. All you can do is talk it over with her in a very non-threatening manner. Talk to her and research it together. The only way you are going to get over this is to be patient and understanding. If you try to force the timing, you are only going to put her off. The plus on being understanding is that once she trusts that you care about her and are taking her concerns to heart, the issue becomes less important in her mind.

All the "reason" in the world isn't going to change things for her. She already <b>knows</b> the numbers. She's probably been looking the odds up online for a long time. This isn't happening in the rational, convinceable part of her mind.

This is what she means when she says you "don't understand". No amount of convincing or reinforcement of the reality of things is going to change how it's going for her, but it <b>will</b> make you look like a horny greedy sex-starved asshole. So unless that's what you're going for, I'd knock that off pronto.

Instead, you might look at what trust issues are present in your relationship. Maybe she doesn't trust you enough to be open and vulnerable with you, and one place it shows up is not trusting you not to get her pregnant? I'm guessing here, but take a look.

You and I have the same problem. But, well, we broke up, but the same problem, her cousin got pregnant so she's afraid, and she even said to me the day we broke up(it was kinda mutual, going to college, other things, etc.) she said that she wasn't going to have sex until marraige.

When we do have sex though, she seems to be really into it and enjoys it a lot, but is afraid.

Your girl probably has sex to keep you satisfied. You should talk to her about it, but it's going to be very diffucult to change her mind if she has those certain fears

Oh, and one more thing,
you must be aware that you cannot come on too strong or desperate.
She may, and probably will, take it the wrong way that if she doesn't put out, then you're going to look somewhere else.
You have to make it known how much you love her, and let her know that even though this is an important issue to you, you respect her point of view. And if she isn't ready, you're not going to push it further until she is, if that's how you think.

Birth Control Stats:
http://www.fwhc.org/birth-control/bcch.htm
http://womenshealth.about.com/librar...y/aa102699.htm
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/bc/bcfacts2.html

I agree with Silvy. Go with her to a doctor and have her express her concerns to him/her. Don't use the doctor as a way to team up against her; be there to support her. If that doesn't help, perhaps some counseling would be useful.

If a chick has hurdles like this now, just think of the hurdles there will be later on....

I'd say get a move and put her out to the curb.

i think every guy in the world feels this ;)

joking aside, i think everyone has covered your concerns and a means for hopefully solving them. Good luck :)

hey hey hey! don't have a worry, be happy!

just relax with her in the bed, and she will relax with you in the time it takes her! this is normal for some young ladies, but later they will crave sexing if you don't put on the heavy hammer.

If all of these suggestions don't work, try finding an ovulation calendar somewhere on the net. That will give the fertile times, and the rest of the month should be open season...with the rest of the protection. That should open up three out of four weeks of the month to intercourse. And then the "bad week" of highest fertility leaves the rest of the fun.

Out of all the insanity that spews out of air45's posts, one can usually find some sort of advice in it (at least with this post).
My hats off to you mr. 45.

motdakasha:

Excellent Links. Thanks, those were interesting reads.

-TD

Actually the stats don't stack like that. The failure rate for the pill is made up mostly of people who mess up when they are taking it. The 95% and 93% stats I have seen for condom effectiveness are always for couples who "usually" use a condom. There is a study of couples who "have a high motivation to use a condom" I.E. one partner has aids, and they all show 100% effectiveness. A condom and the pill probably stack to something like 99% effective cause the people who can't get there shit together on one of them are more likely not to be able to get there shit together with the other, and thats what causes failures.

On a side note, I know about this because my highschool sweetheart had a condition that kept her off the pill, and was also really paranoid about getting knocked up. Sadly it never got worked out despite a lot of trying on both our parts.

Hey guys,

I really appreciate all you feedback on this. This forum really is helpful when needed :). Just to let you know what's going on, I brought it up in a non-threatening manner. We talked things over, and she said that she just wanted to take a little break from things. She still wants to be cautious, and will start out having sex every once in awhile. But she said I won't be left unsatisfied, as i'll be "getting something" every night! :D

She just doesn't want to fuck things up early by having a kid, and I respect that, even if the odds are overwhelming. Once we get older, it will be much more relaxed, and she stated she wouldn't mind getting "back into the groove." So all in all, I truly love this girl, and am fairly confident I will end up with her. If I'm going to be kept company, and pleasured, I figure that a few years with occasional sex will be worth it, since she promised lots of sex later, once we establish careers and can handle a child. Even then, I'm still sure as hell going to use protection, and get as MUCH sex in as I possibly can before she wants to have a child.

I hope this sounds logical to everyone, it's 4AM in the morning, and I am losing track of everything. Thanks again guys.

personally I can't wait for the male pill.

when using the male pill, female pill, and condoms, well, if I manage to get my girlfriend pregnant that way then there's no way we'd get an abortion: wouldn't want to stop jesus' second coming. :-D

Ditto that. lurkette's been the one in charge of our birth control for 12 years. I figure once that pill comes out it'll be my turn for a while.

Sounds reasonable; it's a hard road to follow, though. Good luck with it!

A Brazillian firm has a prototype which disrupts the assembly of the sperm by blocking certain enzymes, which sounds more promising than most other efforts (which esentially rely of testosterone poisoning to kill the sperm; the side effects involve premature baldness and behavioural problems).

I'm hoping that'll pan out, since it seems relatively unintrusive.

Of course, I may end up having all the kids I want in the next few years, in which case I can sort the problem out other ways...

well i think looking at statistics might just make her think hmm well maybe we will be the .01% or some crap like that.....better try and make things seem more real for her... not just phaphlets.

go to a doctor and talk about it, he will help reassure her as a docter, and as a person, having someone other than one of her friends to fall back on will help her

man... when there's a male birth control pill, i'm gonna fuck non-stop for GOD knows how long. if you can cum and keep fucking, i never even go soft. someone hurry up on that male BC pill thing.

Serious, that male pill is gonna kick @$$! I heard about it on the radio the other day. First time I'd ever heard about it. I'm impressed.