Mr. Bungle

Well, me being Straight Edge I'm waiting for marriage. It's just something that I believe in. I think sex is such an intimate thing that it should be saved for just one person that you love so much you'll wait for them. Hell, it isn't easy abstaining from sexual activity when you have a libido the size of texas not to mention a beautiful girlfriend. But it's worth it. For her I'd do anything. Sex isn't everything in a relationship and if you people would dump someone because they aren't giving it up, you don't deserve to date that person. Meh. I just think it's stupid that someone can say they care about someone but drop them like a bad habit because of one thing like that. But thats just me and my beliefs and I don't look down on anyone if they believe otherwise

xXxEmptyxXx

"No smoke, no drink, no fuck"

*All we stand for is all you throw away*
*This is one strong life not fading away*
sXe

viveleroi0

I disagree... In todays world that wont work. I modify the rule for No Unprotected sex before marriage, and you need to KNOW who you are doing it with... and take adequate precautions.

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seventhtao

Well I guess for me it comes down to value system.

Celibacy is not a part of my value system but if it is a part of hers then our value systems are too dissimilar for us to be compatible.

In cases such as this it is interesting to note that this dissimilarity is often indicative of a greater incompatability then is immediately apparent.

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Tirian

That's easy to say...unless you've been in a marriage with an unequally satisfying sex life for 15 years.

Read my quote before to put this comment in proper prospective. I am not stating that you should have sex before, but that there must be a really good understanding of each others expectations before. (for some folks a really good understanding may include actually doing it)

I think the whole point to my advice, is to get this talking done, so that you are not throwing away a good thing like a dirty dish cloth, but to set yourself up for long term success.

Tirian

Just a thought on this subject that may be of interest...

I heard a family counseler give a lecture on this topic, and she stated that essentially once two people have had sex, if they ever break up, it is the same emotionally as if they HAD been married.

So if we agree that this theory might be true, than it might be safe to say that to avoid this sort of emotional pain, you'd want to wait until you were sure you wanted to spend a very long time (ie: lifetime) with this person.

Podmore

No, sex isn't everything, but you're basically saying that it's of no importance in a relationship. It's not everything, but it's an important aspect of a healthy relationship. I was in a relationship that crumbled because of a sexual incompatibility. Everything else was fine, and we stuck together for four years because of that, but without adequate sex, you might as well have a room mate and not a spouse. Ignoring that aspect of a relationship until after making a commitment is foolish. It's like not making sure both people want or don't want children.

Cynthetiq

wow.. i know of some people that been "married" many times then, bigamists, and even polygamists some of them...

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illdeviant

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if they wont have sex be4 marriage = they're very deeply religious = way too conservative.

no way i can get married to somebody like that.

unless they have another moral reason, i'm cool w/ it as long as they're not conservative overall.
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yea. gotta go with the_dude on this one. but then again, its human nature. sex. common, now. hard to resist. cant be denied unless the brain's genuinely convinced. first time i hooked up w/my gf, shes like no sex till marriage. ive dealt and gave her time. about 6mths approximately, now the sexual aspect of the relationship is great (she aint no virgin no more =P). I just think some people have to grow out of the whole mindset.. or finding a great guy. that usually helps. heh

aestivalis

I think morality just came about because a number of people thought of it and became a baseline.

Even in holy scriptures, I heard there seems to be no claim regarding premarital sex... just masturbation (spilling the seed)

The morality against premarital sex just came about because of the church.
And... society-wise... to control pregnancy.. specially when over population is becoming a problem.


basically... the morality of avoiding pre-marital sex is just to keep idiot people from getting into trouble

skysooner

I totally disagree with the too religious thing meaning too conservative. I was pretty experienced when I met my wife. She was from a religious family that stressed no sex before marriage. She told me that right from the beginning, so it was never an issue. It just so happened that she was worth waiting for. Now here is the kicker. We did mess around a bunch, and she was getting multiple orgasms from just dry humping a bit. It was a tad frustrating for me although I did get off most of the time. I absolutely knew she was going to be very responsive once sex started and we worked out the kinks. I was proven right, and we have a fantastic sex life.

blackdas

At first I would be disappointed, but If I really loved her I would try and respect her feelings. But after a while I'd imagine it would be a drain on the relationship...

rainheart

IMO anybody who believes in no sex before marriage is on a totally different belief system than mine and both of us need to stay away from each other.

frankx

I dated a girl for two long years and never had sex with her. She made it clear up front about her religious beliefs and I didn't have a problem with it at the time (hell, I just wanted to be near her). Yeah, she was religious, but not in the condescending bible thumper sort of way. I was lucky to be able to revolve around her for as long as I did. She taught me a lot. I would have given anything I had (still would) to be her first, though.

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tman17m

"if you love her its worth the wait"...

well what if she never gives it up...until marrige like 5 years down the road....is that worth the wait...do you really want to be with that girl for 5 years befor having sex....


i too am stuck in a problem like this....i dunno what to do...the biggest thing is communication...we had a looong talk the other night about all this, and if nothing else atleast i was able to share my point of view and let her thing about it

clockworkgreen

I think you must have sex before marriage. It'll bring you closer than you ever imagined.

im2smrt4u

Well, my g/f and I are waiting...for now. We are planning on getting married someday (probably after college) and so we are holding off for now.

We're not really sure how long our self control will last, but at the very least I want to wait until she is on birth control.

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Prince

Ha. I wouldn't have married a virgin, no bloody way. Just not my thing, that republican tightarsed way... However, I did wait until I found someone that I was sure I would marry. I've only ever had sex with her, and am happy with that.

Fuck me, love me, do as I say.

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analog

It's not expensive, and you should still supplement with condoms if you're concerned. If you love each other, then marriage is a formality, and do you want a formality blocking you from sex? I wouldn't. Much respect to you for waiting, though. Peace.

im2smrt4u

We intend to keep using condoms alright. A kid right now would be a disaster!

I have offered to help get her birth control, but she says she wants to talk with her mom first (she promised her mom she would).

One of the biggest problems is that we are both going to school, but staying with our parents. Sure, I have a van (and boy, does it come in handy!) but that wouldn't be a very romantic setting for our first time together...

fuzzix

If I had a girlfriend with such beliefs I could wait, no probs at all. Personally, I'm quite happy to indulge in premarital sex, but not without a good emotional bond.

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soloist124

if you get the op to do it, do it! ;X

boredom

I made a promise to the one person id never break, but then to me sex is penetration, To me fingering, oral is okay to me.

Missy

While I think its a nobel idea, I also think it is kind of silly. As long as your safe, consenting, sober, and with someone you love (or at least like a lot), sex is just too much damn fun not to do And I don't think I could make a commitment for the rest of my life with someone who sucks in bed! A girl can only teach a guy so much before natural ability kicks in!

1qaz2wsx

no sex before marraige is truely ubsurd. just another archaic rule that spans to the middle ages.

crooks

No sex before golf.
No sex before taking out the trash.
No sex before mowing the grass.
No sex before going to the dentist.
Maybe.

Uh huh.

Sex is not a special thing. Sex is an activity people share.
Everyone seems to think that it is the "most precious" thing someone can give to another.

You believe your virginity is the most valuable thing you have?

Wow. You don't value yourself very much.

Spend some time alone in your head, maybe then you will find what you are looking for.

But as for sex before marriage, been there, done lots of that. Still married. One has nothing to do with the other. Go figure.

mighty_whitey

I think that waiting for marriage before having sex is a great way to go. I was a virgin for my wife. I waited. It wasn't easy, but it helped us develope our relationship beyond sex. It is important to have a relationship that is not based on sex, that way you have some common interists that can really spark a relationship.

denim

(edit: deleted 'cause I already answered this long ago)

toughluck

Hey, I am knew to the forum, so I might as well say hi first. I have a question, especially for anyone who is/was Roman Catholic and might know their views. My girlfriend (who is RC) and I (episcopal) just started having sex, after dating for quite awhile. I don't have any religious/moral problems with this. She is having a tough time though, because, as far as I know, the RC Church views premarital sex as a sin. The problem she is having is that she doesn't consider it a sin, it isn't something she regrets doing, and so doesn't believe that she can truly confess and feel sorry for it. She is, however, a pretty religious person, and so doesn't want sins hanging over her head. Any thoughts/opinions/words of advice I could give her?

RMMsGirl

Me and my fiance didn't make it to marriage first. We have a 5 month old son and we're getting married in July. To be honest, we didn't make it past the first night. We had sex within the first 3 hours of us knowing each other.

denim

Sounds like she's got to work this through in her own head.

Cynthetiq

maybe she should be speaking to her pastor or other clergy to help her sort it out...

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lukethebandgeek

It is religion and society that tell one why they shouldn't do it before marriage.

My declaration is that if a couple feels like they should, they should take procautions. It should be talked about. And it shouldn't be jumped into. Working in with petting or oral really makes intercourse a non-scary thing, provided condoms are used.

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Tralls

I would have trouble committing to a long-term relationship, or marriage, in that case. Kinda a Catch-22 b/c one has to know if their is chemistry in the bedroom prior to a committment like that. Without knowing if that chemistry is there, it could become a tough decision.

Dale Kemp

Hmmm. I wasn't aware of much when I was young, and went for the nookie with enthusiasm. I respected my girlfriends, and tried not to press for actions they weren't comfortable with. So my level of activity varied with the girls and the relationships.

But I've slowly come to a different view. As TRFP said:

TRFP: "From a clearly statistical point of view-Those who engage in pre-marital sex are 60% more likely to get divorced."

Those who wait until marriage gain several advantages: Freedom from social diseases for one. Much higher likelyhood of successful marriage for another. Greater likelyhood of fidelity in marriage, because of two reasons: (1) the moral view that chasitity and fidelity are of great worth usually go together and (2) when your only sexual experience is with your spouse, you feel less inclined to wander and that wandering would be a bigger deal.

But there is a deeper reason, that took me a long time to figure out. Dr. Pepper Schwartz of the U. of Washington found that the happiest people are those in good marriages. But only about 20% of marriages are good ones, and they are heaven on earth. About 60% of marriages are blah, or about worth what the cost to the partners. And about 20% are hell on earth. Single life is clearly better than the worst 20% of marriages. But she was unable to identify any way to tell what kind of marriage you were forming, before being married awhile. Well, she was multiply divorced, so it follows that she wasn't able to predict marital success.

Finding and forming a really good companionship is tough. But that is the basis or foundation of a good marriage. I've learned by experience that once a sexual relationship develops, we tend to get overwhelmed by the sexual, and become unable to feel the finer clues about the quality of the freindship, or companionship that we're building. So I learned to hold off on sex, until I could determine how well the companionship worked. And that's pretty much until we get engaged, anyway. Add to that the value of being able to honestly tell our daughters that we waited, and why not just wait until the wedding night. It's so much more romantic.

So there are huge practical advantages to waiting. Maybe that's why God seems to have told his prophets to advocate chastity? I suspect so. Then again, I believe in a very loving God, who gives us comandments designed to bless us.

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im2smrt4u

Wow, super old thread. Since my last post here, my g/f and I have been having sex for nearly a year now. I love it, and so does she!

We are still using condoms though. She hasn't looked into b/c yet, mainly because she worries how it will affect her weight. (she is already trying to loose quite a bit)

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Tralls

Regarding Birth control, girls react differently to it as well. I know my wife always has had problems with birth control either making her too emotional or not interested in initiating sex. Anyone know of successful birth control options?

iceburn

If you've never been married, you cannot have a reference point to say, "my marriage will be better if I don't have sex until I get married".

I just don't get it man. I can imagine that a lot of these marriages last longer when both parties enter as virgins simply because these people really have no idea what they're missing, and they clearly revere a belief system that demonizes those that get divorces.

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Lockjaw

Depends is my take.

Personally if it was a girl that was marriage material and she wanted to wait I'd wait. I think the kind of love that is needed to make a marriage REALLY work would be one that would have to be tested without sex in the mix. I know a lot of guys who got suckered into a marriage mainly because of the sex. They were stupid and let the booty blind them and now they are paying for it.
I know a couple of couples that according to them they waited(not sure if I really believe that in one of the cases) and they are probably the happiest couples I know personally.
Now I say it depends because frankly "dating" to me is just a long complicated route to getting sex. Most of the girls I've dated simply are not the kinds of girls I would marry(now before anybody gets up in arms about this it isn't because they put out it's because the kind of woman I would marry personality wise is significantly different from the kind of woman I have persued). Now if she was "marrying" material and she said let's wait...well I'd wait. I believe if you find somebody that you truly consider to be marrying material you should learn to start respecting their wishes and sex considering it is just an "activity" is worth putting aside briefly if this person really potentially could be your life mate...in my own humble opinion.

Lockjaw

If they are happy is that really a bad thing?
I mean look at it like this. Some kid living in a slum in Brazil lives their entire life in those slums but are as happy as can be. Now some other kid travels the world and lives in the best and worst situations ever...they then get stuck in a mediocre location and now unhappy because they've lived in the best place in the world. Who would you say was better off? The happy ignorant person or the experienced miserable person?

adam

I'd find a new bf/gf. No way I'd marry someone I hadn't had a sexual relationship with. (I'm married, btw.)