Another embarrassing male "first time" problem - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Tom Thumb · 08-18-2003, 05:16 PM

Yeah, I don't like doing this to a forum of people I don't know, but I figure you guys can probably offer some help.

So, here's my situation: I'm 18. Still a virgin, though likely not gonna be one for much longer. I've been going out with my girlfriend for about a month now, and we're close enough that we've been wanting to have sex with each other (she's not a virgin). Unfortunately, I've been having some difficulties with keeping my hard on when we get our clothes off and are ready to actually fuck. Usually the loss of erection happens in the minute or so space where I get out and put on my condom. Well, "usually" as in two out of the three times we've tried so far. She's been really amazingly understanding and cool about it, but even if she's fine, I'm certainly not feeling fine with it, and I don't want it to stay a problem.

I'm about 95% sure it's all in my mind, because I don't have a problem keeping it up when masturbating or when getting head, and I often get lingering erections when we're making out and such (again, I'm 18), but once we're naked it only takes seconds to lose it.

It's possible it could be physical, though, i don't know. We've always had lots (at least an hour or so) of foreplay, and it's possible that in that time the pre-cum and such results in something, because I generally only have a solid erection for the first twenty minutes or so and then it's more touch-and-go, but...I don't know, it certainly seems like it's a psychological thing. anyway, it's monday night now, she'll be staying over friday night, and I'd like to get through it and start really enjoying the sex asap. It's hard to just 'not think about it', because I'm already the type that thinks everything else to death, much less a problem like this that's making me struggle with my self-esteem and I don't want to have become a big thing.

So what do you guys think? Any suggestions or similar experiences?

Slims · 08-18-2003, 05:23 PM

It is definitely all in your mind, probably just an anxiety thing. Relax, take things slow. Also, dont' jump out of your clothes and into the condom. Take your time undressing and fooling around naked. Give yourself time to get used to being naked around your girlfriend. Also, maybe have her put the condom on.

I have several friends who have had similar problems, and in every case it turned out to be mental. One of my friends has a similar problem the first time he tries to sleep with a new girl. Apparently, after the first time, he doesn't have any problems.

Vyk · 08-18-2003, 05:35 PM

relax relax relax. Getting all worried about it is the exact opposite of what you want to do. Performance anxiety is something you can really only conquer by letting go of all that tension. Stop thinking "oh my god I have to please her!" or "I can't let her down" or "stay up stay up stay up" ... all of that will just cause mr. winky to head south as it were.

I'd suggest trying this:

set up a time where you both can just touch each other. have a little fun. caress. explore. all with this understand... orgasm is not a priority

just have fun. do that a few times (finish with oral/touching if you like). once you can learn to be relaxed in a nice sensual environment then you'll be able to put it on and have some fun. Though, don't be surprised if you have to put it on then take it off again cause it's not cooperating... just start over. no hurry.

Good luck.

juanvaldes · 08-18-2003, 06:17 PM

foreplay.

Sex timeline:
Kissing -> remove clothes -> fool around -> have her apply condom -> sex.

Your skipping a VERY important step

rogue49 · 08-18-2003, 06:24 PM

relax, reduce the anxiety.

plus, don't masturbate before hand.
yes, some say do so to prevent pre-mature ejaculation and to last longer,
but your issue is the exact opposite.

and yes, having her apply the condom is a very nice thing.

angela146 · 08-18-2003, 07:21 PM

Echoing the "have her put on the condom" thing, have you considered having her *take* you. In other words, lie back and let her put the condom on you then let her be on top.

She might enjoy it and it would be a very special way for you to lose your virginity.

n1ck31 · 08-18-2003, 08:16 PM

yeah have her put on the condom, under covers maybe? if it is the nakedness, i bet that eventually you will be so comfortable you'll be walking around naked together and happy as ever and all

Craven Morehead · 08-18-2003, 09:16 PM

performance anxiety - don't worry about it - just do it

in otherwords - you need to get laid

once you do, it will be just a memory

joesmith · 08-18-2003, 09:20 PM

anxiety - Many years ago, when i was just starting, i had this happen a few times... right when the last peice of clothing came off, so did the wood - i'd start to get dressed, it would return.. I tricked my body - kept my socks on, it stayed up - fun ensued. once you've done it a few times, and gotten comfortable, then you won't have to worry about it

oh one other things- keep the comdon case closed until its absolutely time.. I hate the things (but use them) but found at first that if i could smell the thing, i'd lose it (some sort of biological self-defense?) - so i found to open it and slip it on Fast before insertion.

etc

numberfive · 08-18-2003, 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by juanvaldes
foreplay.

Sex timeline:
Kissing -> remove clothes -> fool around -> have her apply condom -> sex.

Your skipping a VERY important step

Exactly. Foreplay, it makes the world go round.

GoldenOuroboros · 08-18-2003, 11:40 PM

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY!!!
hehe.. I had the same prob dude.. my girl always.. well seemed to make out that she was experienced and all.. and so when the crunch time came I just couldn't keep a hard on.. noo..

You'll get over it.. takes time that's all

motdakasha · 08-19-2003, 12:09 AM

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=22136

Read angela and Gorgo's posts.

08-18-2003, 05:16 PM	#1 (permalink)
Tom Thumb Crazy Location: In a self portrait	Another embarrassing male "first time" problem Yeah, I don't like doing this to a forum of people I don't know, but I figure you guys can probably offer some help. So, here's my situation: I'm 18. Still a virgin, though likely not gonna be one for much longer. I've been going out with my girlfriend for about a month now, and we're close enough that we've been wanting to have sex with each other (she's not a virgin). Unfortunately, I've been having some difficulties with keeping my hard on when we get our clothes off and are ready to actually fuck. Usually the loss of erection happens in the minute or so space where I get out and put on my condom. Well, "usually" as in two out of the three times we've tried so far. She's been really amazingly understanding and cool about it, but even if she's fine, I'm certainly not feeling fine with it, and I don't want it to stay a problem. I'm about 95% sure it's all in my mind, because I don't have a problem keeping it up when masturbating or when getting head, and I often get lingering erections when we're making out and such (again, I'm 18), but once we're naked it only takes seconds to lose it. It's possible it could be physical, though, i don't know. We've always had lots (at least an hour or so) of foreplay, and it's possible that in that time the pre-cum and such results in something, because I generally only have a solid erection for the first twenty minutes or so and then it's more touch-and-go, but...I don't know, it certainly seems like it's a psychological thing. anyway, it's monday night now, she'll be staying over friday night, and I'd like to get through it and start really enjoying the sex asap. It's hard to just 'not think about it', because I'm already the type that thinks everything else to death, much less a problem like this that's making me struggle with my self-esteem and I don't want to have become a big thing. So what do you guys think? Any suggestions or similar experiences? __________________ My name is marketing. Now buy my product.

08-18-2003, 05:23 PM	#2 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	It is definitely all in your mind, probably just an anxiety thing. Relax, take things slow. Also, dont' jump out of your clothes and into the condom. Take your time undressing and fooling around naked. Give yourself time to get used to being naked around your girlfriend. Also, maybe have her put the condom on. I have several friends who have had similar problems, and in every case it turned out to be mental. One of my friends has a similar problem the first time he tries to sleep with a new girl. Apparently, after the first time, he doesn't have any problems. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

08-18-2003, 05:35 PM	#3 (permalink)
Vyk Insane Location: Dayton, Ohio	relax relax relax. Getting all worried about it is the exact opposite of what you want to do. Performance anxiety is something you can really only conquer by letting go of all that tension. Stop thinking "oh my god I have to please her!" or "I can't let her down" or "stay up stay up stay up" ... all of that will just cause mr. winky to head south as it were. I'd suggest trying this: set up a time where you both can just touch each other. have a little fun. caress. explore. all with this understand... orgasm is not a priority just have fun. do that a few times (finish with oral/touching if you like). once you can learn to be relaxed in a nice sensual environment then you'll be able to put it on and have some fun. Though, don't be surprised if you have to put it on then take it off again cause it's not cooperating... just start over. no hurry. Good luck. __________________ "Courage of the heart is very rare"

08-18-2003, 11:40 PM	#11 (permalink)
GoldenOuroboros The Cheshire Grin... Location: An Aussie Outback	PERFORMANCE ANXIETY!!! hehe.. I had the same prob dude.. my girl always.. well seemed to make out that she was experienced and all.. and so when the crunch time came I just couldn't keep a hard on.. noo.. You'll get over it.. takes time that's all __________________ Can you see me grin grin grrriiiiinnnning?!

08-19-2003, 12:09 AM	#12 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=22136 Read angela and Gorgo's posts. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

08-18-2003, 06:17 PM	#4 (permalink)
juanvaldes Banned Location: shittown, CA	foreplay. Sex timeline: Kissing -> remove clothes -> fool around -> have her apply condom -> sex. Your skipping a VERY important step

08-18-2003, 06:24 PM	#5 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	relax, reduce the anxiety. plus, don't masturbate before hand. yes, some say do so to prevent pre-mature ejaculation and to last longer, but your issue is the exact opposite. and yes, having her apply the condom is a very nice thing.

08-18-2003, 07:21 PM	#6 (permalink)
angela146 Loser Location: Somewhere near Hubby	Echoing the "have her put on the condom" thing, have you considered having her take you. In other words, lie back and let her put the condom on you then let her be on top. She might enjoy it and it would be a very special way for you to lose your virginity.

08-18-2003, 08:16 PM	#7 (permalink)
n1ck31 Upright	yeah have her put on the condom, under covers maybe? if it is the nakedness, i bet that eventually you will be so comfortable you'll be walking around naked together and happy as ever and all

08-18-2003, 09:16 PM	#8 (permalink)
Craven Morehead Custom User Title	performance anxiety - don't worry about it - just do it in otherwords - you need to get laid once you do, it will be just a memory

08-18-2003, 09:20 PM	#9 (permalink)
joesmith Tilted Location: toronto	anxiety - Many years ago, when i was just starting, i had this happen a few times... right when the last peice of clothing came off, so did the wood - i'd start to get dressed, it would return.. I tricked my body - kept my socks on, it stayed up - fun ensued. once you've done it a few times, and gotten comfortable, then you won't have to worry about it oh one other things- keep the comdon case closed until its absolutely time.. I hate the things (but use them) but found at first that if i could smell the thing, i'd lose it (some sort of biological self-defense?) - so i found to open it and slip it on Fast before insertion. etc