upspostcount

During the summer of my sophomore year of college I worked in a blue collar seed mill where it was dirty and dusty and I shoveled seed all day. I met this dude and he seemed cool right off the bat but he told me he really liked to shop for clothing which i really thought was odd... he then said i'm better looking than my brother. That really struck me as odd, but I was the new guy and needed a friend at work. As time went on this guy would massage my neck and fix my collars and tell me to comb my hair. Keep in mind that this was a dirty job where our appearances didn't matter. One night we got drunk together and he confessed his love to me. I was flattered... but i declined. I guess this pissed the gay guy off because then he spread all kinds of lies and rumours about me. He even went as far to tell my family that we were a couple. I never did anything with this guy, nor would I ever... but I like to call that my gay experience.
I was never a homophobe until that point, but now if I meet a gay person I don't hang around long enough to be this person's friend.
Anyone else have anything similiar to share?

tritium

Hmmm ... even though I possess a decent control for the English language, I struggle now to string together the correct words to convey my thoughts on the issue ... I have been unable to find neutral language so far, so I only preface this message with a flimsy warning.

Warning: Do not become offended.

I have been involved with a mission work of sorts inside a Christian church and have had contact with similar "leaning" people. To further preface the remainder of this message, I must state that while I do not agree with that life choice and do not support it, however, I choose to support the people involved. If that sounds confusing, think of it as feeding and clothing a drunk but not giving him money to continue his addiciton.

Far too often, men (the people with which I have the most experience) are isolated in society and this isolation leads, in my opinion, to some of the highest rates of mental illness in a demographic (only black women are higher). We, as a nation and society, should be more careful in our dealings with these individuals and be mindful that sexuality does not necessarily make bad people.

It is unfortunate that you had the experience that you did. I regret his actions, and, in fact your later actions as well. Your shallow stereotypical analysis has furthered the alienation that these people endure on a daily basis. Understand that what you encountered was likely an isolated case performed by an isolated individual. A scorned woman could have just as easily committed the acts that you describe. It really was not the "gay man" that was injuring your reputation, it was the emotionally imbalanced and disturbed man that did.

In the grander scheme of things, I have seen and had to minister to far worse of people. I know what could have been, but fortunately was not.

lurkette

I think it's a little rash to judge gay people based on this one experience, although it sounds like a really harrowing one for you. So you met an asshole who happened to be gay and did some mean shit. I didn't quit being friends with all men just because some jackass dumped me badly, or because some creepy guy admitted to peeping into my window and seeing me naked. I didn't quit being friends with bisexual women just because the first one my boyfriend (now husband) and I invited to have a threesome turned us down and then kissed him behind my back.

People are people, and some of them are immature assholes. If you want to be prejudiced based on this one experience it's your choice, but why exclude an entire segment of the population based on one person's infantile behavior? You might be missing some very good (platonic) friendships.

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- Anatole France

tritium

Well spoken, lurkette. You've managed to find the words that I was unable to voice.

That is precisely what I meant to say. I'm a bit "spent" after writing that last mammoth ...

clockworkgreen

Wow. Willing to cut off an entire segment of the population because of one experience.

**cough** biggot **cough**

motdakasha

Both tritium and lurkette make very valid points. Not all gay men are immature and spread rumors and lies. Not all gay men are attracted to you, either, nor will all gay men fall in love with you. (If you think all gay men will love you, you've probably got some sort of narcissistic personality disorder.)
Becoming a homophobe based on this one experience is completely illogical and unreasonable.

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Just Google It.
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RoboBlaster

I don't know, tritium's remarks seem a little biggoted to me. By comparing homosexuals to "drunks," one is casting a very negative shadow to gays and lesbians. I realize tritium's intentions were good. However, it is the very attitude he has that causes people to do the very discrimination that he condemns. Also, what did the gay man do that was so bad to uppostcount? He didn't tell the gay man to stop. If he had, all his discomfort could have been avoided.

Slims

When I was fifteen, I hitchiked to new york to go climbing at the gunks. On the way up, I was riding in the back middle seat of a BMW full of guys when one of them looked at me, and said with a completely straight face: "you know, gay men find you attractive................." Complete with the awkward fifteen second pause.

__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

tritium

I didn't compare gays to drunks. How else would you simply put that I support the individual and not the activity? I like to use stories and examples when I speak and it comes through in my writing. Trust me, I didn't purposefully compare gays to drunks. There weren't any shadows cast or evil plots fulfilled ... relax

Could I have your name, phone number, and location? I just want to call a few of your close relatives... no big deal.

So as long as you don't have the opportunity to say "stop" to me, I can call all your relatives and say whatever I like about you? That's completely ridiculous and its called slander in most places.

Stare At The Sun

Eh, seriously, dont judge all gay people because of one dickhead. Honestly, most gay people are not like that, and do not fit into the general stereotype, dont be a bigot, and dont hate gay people, karma is a bitch anyways, as chris rock says, you hate gays, your sons gunna come home in a dress!

Somnolent49

Tritium, he didn't mean that he didn't say to stop the slander, but rather that he never spoke up about the gay mans advances.

tritium

Ok ... now I'm thoroughly confused ...

Mostly I wanted to be extremely clear that in no way did I intentionally compare gays to drunks...

tritium

Yes, he did say "no." At least as far as I can tell from here ... I dunno... whatever ....

Somnolent49

What Roboblaster meant, I think, was that he should have said something when the gay man was simply dropping hints, instead of waiting for things to come to a head.

upspostcount

One asshole can ruin a lot of things. I still try to give people a fair shake when I meet them. Calling me a bigot is unfair. I do not hate gays or lesbians and what I am doing is not irrational. In my interpersonal experiences throughout my day, I don't discount a person's opinion just because they are gay. I deal with many gay people all of the time. I choose just to not get close to them like I would anyone else. If that's wrong, well okay, I'm fine with that. It's just really hard to get past what was done to me. And about stopping the gay man's advances... I was like a deer caught in between headlights. I was scared shitless, all I could do was walk away

Subform

I must admit that i understand that you are taking your distance after this experience .. It would be like being in a crash in your car .. It would take some time before you felt the lust for driving fast again ..

Anyways, i do not believe that all gay people are like this ..
Personally i don't know any gay guys .. but i've heard quite alot about their behavior and their softness .. don't know if its true ..
Gay men has to be as different as Straight men i believe ? ..

But anyways .. Confessing your love to someone put you in a very vulnerable position where you will most likely get hurt ..
I can't imagine that being gay is easy, and you will get hurt alot ..
It could be that this guy got sad, and had to show you that in a tough way to feel he was on the same "hight" as you again, after this confession ? ..

Anyways, it will never justify what he did, he was being an ass, and as i said, not trusting gay people for some time is a normal reaction .. Its not everytime you drive your char you crash, but still you fear it if it happens to you once ..

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angela146

The key phrase is "for some time".

motdakasha

You're not a bigot. You run away. This is a completely different ballpark. You are, in a sense, cowardly because you are using your past experience to block out certain people from getting close to you. You're using it as an excuse to avoid opening up to people in this "group." You're categorizing gay people. You even said so yourself, "to them like I would anyone else."

__________________
=^-^= motdakasha =^-^=
Just Google It.
BA Psychology & Photography
(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

NotMinus

He isn't a biggot because he dosn't rejoice in the company of homosexuals. He said nothing about doing any violent or negtive acts and it is simply his decision to dissasociate with the homosexual community.

Subform

angela146: Yeap, for some time .. same with the driving. You drive slow for some time after a crash ..

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rodgerd

Or, to put it another way, "If women became lesbians because they met a man who was a jerk, they'd all be dykes." I forget the comedian, but it's true. One can find idiots in any population.

rodgerd

Hmm. Young het guy with no previous experience of gay guys. I think expecting him to pick up on hints is asking a little much - most people have a hard enough time working out whether hints are being dropped by the gender they are interested in.

rodgerd

Oh please. If someone ran away from blacks because he'd once been mugged by a black person, there'd be no nancying around his precious wittle feelings about whether that constituted bigotry or not, unless he was at the local KKK Support Group.

Generalising one negative life experience into carrying negative attitudes and behaviours about a whole class of people is bigotry.

motdakasha

Actually, I do believe that's stereotyping. Bigotry involves intolerance of anyone who is not of their ilk. Stereotyping is singling out a group from the crowd whereas bigotry is singling out your own group from the crowd. See the difference?

ster·e·o·type __ _P___Pronunciation Key__(str--tp, stîr-) n.
A conventional, formulaic, and oversimplified conception, opinion, or image.
One that is regarded as embodying or conforming to a set image or type.
Printing. A metal printing plate cast from a matrix molded from a raised printing surface, such as type.

big·ot·ry __ _P___Pronunciation Key__(bg-tr) n.
The attitude, state of mind, or behavior characteristic of a bigot; intolerance.

big·ot __ _P___Pronunciation Key__(bgt) n.
One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ.

__________________
=^-^= motdakasha =^-^=
Just Google It.
BA Psychology & Photography
(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

m0ntyblack

Hmmm...well, I don't know what it is about me, but I seem to attract gay men like those bug zappers attract bugs. Thing is, I've been treated a LOT worse by the chicks I've had to let down gently than by the guys I had to tell I wasn't gay. "Hell hath no fury." And what you probably should have done was to put a stop to those early flirtations with a simple "this is making me uncomfortable."

MB

thedrake

this is rediculous all upspostcount was looking for was similar experiences. I know what he said wasn't the best because one gay man acted like an asshole, but this was supposed to be a thread that acted like a list of actions that have happened to other people, not back and forth arguing on non-essential speculative details of his message.

jbalzari

The other day I was walking around downtown Cincinnati looking for a bar to hang out in before the reds game. I saw a Miller Lite sign and walked in to a bar. All of the guys started to hoot and holler, and when I looked around I saw no women. I sat down and had a beer (not a homophobe) however, the guys kept shouting and catcalling towards me. I felt really uncomfortable.

em1014

I'm kinda surprised by the reaction this post and this topic in general has on the tfp community. I'd expect people here to be more open and understanding... but to each his own. As for me... I love almost all the gay people in my life. They tend to be so much more open and fun. While I am straight, I've had the experience of dating a gay guy, being hit on by lesbians, and having really good lesbian/ bi friends, and a best friend who was gay. As long as you are comfortable with who you are, being hit on by a person of the same sex shouldn't be any different than being hit on by someone of the opposite sex that you were not attracted to.

upspostcount

I feel like i'm getting *flamed* here by some people because i no longer associate with gays. I can understand that. But it's hard being open to those type of people... even so at my new job I have a new gay stalker - thats what i like to call him. I get the same creepy feeling from him. I'm not narcissistic or anything, I just don't know why gays are attracted to me. it must be my boyish good looks

cheerios

ups, if you feel like you're being unfairly abused (It's very borderline, but I'm tempted to agree with you in a case or 2), you need to let one of us mods know.

as for your new job, #1: are you sure he's gay? what if he's trying to be friendly, and is socially inept?
#2: if you are getting creepy feelings, you need to TELL him to stop doing the things that are making you weirded out. If he doesn't ease up, bring management in. sexual harassment and all that jazz.


so. similar experiences? I got one for ya. imagine you're 5'2". female. Rather attracted to your rather beautiful female best friend, but completely socially inept. this is in high school. Utter geek. one of those people that people hang out with, just to copy their homework. the kind that eats her lunch alone, 'cuz she just can't stand that many people around. Now, imagine being picked on for your sexual orientation, not because you've gone around kissing women or anything, but because your best friend, who is, sadly, quite straight, gives you hugs, and shares her coat with you! And, always the same people pointing the finger. They are all the "beautiful" people. the athletes, the cheerleaders. the "in" crowd.

And yeah, i hear where you're coming from, because i get quiet whenever I am stuck talking to that handsome, tall man in the room. whenever the woman who is effortlessly beautiful and arrogant about it, is around. BUT, I try, conciously, knowing that i have this tic, to give them the benefit of hte doubt until they prove they don't deserve it.

I would suggest that you do the same. i've known some lovely gay people, and some asshole straight people, as well as vice versa. it's not about who you fuck, it's about who you ARE.