Online relationships and body image
 

Okay... I really want some advice on this.
*Insert Flashback*

December 12Th 1999: Dutch blond guy sits in front of the PC late in the evening, ICQing... back when everyone was using it.
Suddenly a message comes up: "Hi" it's from this American chick. Which I think is soooo cool. So I chat with her a bit.
A couple of days later, we kept on chatting every other night and we finally exchange pics. I'm a stupid 15 year old kid who doesn't care what some girl 1000 miles away thinks and feels.
So I see the pic and see that she is... well... big...
So I tell her... "I'm sorry, but I'm not attracted to you in the least, you're too fat, maybe it's just because girls over here are much skinnier" or something similar. Did I say I was a stupid kid already?

*Fast forward to today*
I talk to Nicole (that's her name) every day. So much so that my health is suffering under it. lol. We are something in between close friends and boyfriend/girlfriend. The only thing keeping us apart being this big piece of water called the Atlantic, money (or rather lack thereof) and.... insecurities.
I love this woman many times over and have told her many times over that if she is anything in RL like she is online I won't stop till she's mine forever.
She says she loves me too and she is planning to come over next summer... which I am anxiously looking forward too.

Now why did I talk about how stupid I was in the beginning? Well... she recently bought a web-cam. I borrowed one a while back and... *cough* stripped *cough* for her. So naturally I asked the same of her... :D
But that's when she brings that up again. She says the reason she didn't even tell me she had a web-cam (she had it like a month b4 I knew about it) was that she was ashamed of her body and would take time... right now she just gave me 2 pics of her face (which I adore and will post below). And she is nowhere near her earlier weight and even so, I couldn't care less, I love her. I told her this, but she still doesn't fully believe me.

:confused:

Does anyone have any idea how I can get her to realize she is beautiful? Plus, does anyone know of any transatlantic online relationships that worked out or failed?

Anyway... nobody ever responds to my threads so I wonder why I even bother... :(
Perhaps to show off my baby. :) Isn't she cute?

http://student.hro.nl/0548923/niccam.jpg

http://student.hro.nl/0548923/sucker.jpg

Here is what we can do...we all can give her big compliments about how she is slammin, and how I wanna be the lollipop and so forth, and then you send her a link over here. Then I can edit this before you send that over and everyone wins. Right?
She kind of looks like katie holmes with more meat on her (thats not a bad thing by the way).

Wow! I thought you said she was fat? She's incredibly cute.

Welcome to the reality of real love.

It doesn't care if the person is fat or skinny, it focuses on what they really are.

Truthfully, you've learned a painful lesson my friend, and it will be hard to undo the damage, but it can be done, if you are willing to take the time and patience to do so.

You will have to start by confessing all of you've said here to your love, and then constantly reassure her of her beauty and your desire of her. One little off comment regarding her weight from you, real or even percieved by her and you're back at square one.

I wish you both the best of luck.

I just got my first private message... scared the hell out of me. lol. Anyway, note for the mods, this is the convo I just had with her:

RelaX says:
BTW: the mods deleted your pics because they thought I prob didn't have your permission :confused:?
RelaX says:
:(
RelaX says:
I DO have it, right?
Nicole - sugar and spice and everything nice says:
of course
Nicole - sugar and spice and everything nice says:
:)

She doesn't know that I asked about the whole weight thing though..., I relayed the reactions of Charlatan and Jim Kata to her and she says it makes her day a lil better :) for that I am infinitely grateful to them.

I know this situation. I am still looking for a cure.

(Long story sort of shortened)
My best friend started talking to this guy from Scotland because he sent her an email asking her about something on her webpage. They wrote back and forth, then they ICQ became "the new thing" and so they started scheduling time to chat with each other on it. That went on for a few years. His parents went on vacation somewhere in America, so he decided to use that vacation as a chance to meet her. He came to visit and he was a great guy. Then another year or two later, my friend visited him. More correspondence. Then she decided to move there to go to college. She's almost finished with her degree. They've been together (including online) for 6 or 7 years now, I think. When she's finished up, she's moving back to America with him and they are probably getting married here. It took them many years and lots of patience to make it happen, but it did and now they are so happy.

It's possible for LD to work, but most often it is not likely.

she's a cutie indeed, too bad some girls never seem to admit that to themselves.

Re: Online relationships and body image
 

<--- worked out :)

story, very abridged version.

i met my bf online last April, in an IRC chan. He - German. Me - Minnesotan.

we did lots of pm-ing, and eventually a fair bit of telefone convo's...then last july he flew to the USA to come stay with me for 2 months. so far, all good. we are in love.
Sept. 12th, he flew back to Germany. lots of fone convos and pmings again...we knew we had to get back together somehow, on a more permanent basis, just not sure how...then in october, he got a job/apprenticeship (duration of his 'contract' - 3 years) in Germany..so at that point we started discussing me moving there. ...and of course, i did. December 19th, i got on a 1-way flight to Germany. packed up most of my stuff for storage at my parents..just me and 2 suitcases ready for a new life. we lived at his parents until Feb 1, which is when we could move into our apt.
...fast forward to now...i'm sitting in our living room at my puter, he's at his, we are happy and all is well and i wouldnt want to be anywhere else except wherever he is.

i wub my hunny :icare:

She don't she's beautiful?

Has she never seen an image of herself?

Damn, she be mighty fine.

I would.

:)

She is EXTREMELY cute!! She has beautiful eyes and beautiful skin and beautiful hair.

You are SO money...

THANK you for using that phrase properly. First time in a month...

Agreed - she's cute. It'll just take some time for you to get out of the hole you dug. It won't happen overnight...

she is cute :). everyone has some self image problems, and girls are always sayin they aren't pretty or whatever even though they REALLY are!
guys are the same. i've only recently come to accept my self, but the lady dig me so that makes it easier :) lol

She is cute indeed. It may seem obvious, but don't let her go. She's a keeper.

my current girlfriend has that same issue... its too bad... that girl you have there is so gorgeous. i think she just needs the boost in self-esteem that she is getting from the others in this post.

that lollypop... *sigh

Seriously, it comes down to building trust over a mistake, which is the most necessary and difficult thing to do. She's cute, you obvously care about her...so go to the mat for this one-build that communication about how you feel about her, and what you've learned about your mistaken assement. The best of luck to you both!

Hmmm. Well for starters, shes gorgeous! I've been in very much the same situation, but without the first part, which has affected her trust of you. I won't go on about how meeting people off the net love-wise can be potentially hazardous, even thought I've had a few successful relationships that way, but you need to get her trust back again, and never lose it. Sorry I can't offer more help, but good luck, shes a keeper!

Yeah defenitely just talk it out and reassure here. And most importantly IMO build her self-esteem - no self-esteem and its particularly bad for a girl IMO and make her feel confident and what not, it only makes it better :)

She's cute. If you do get her to strip, you're gonna share, right?

This made me laugh...

Of course, then I read the rest of the thread and find out everyone is involved in a transatlantic online relationship. At least now I know what I've been doing wrong the past couple of years, I've been looking on the wrong damn continent!

Two things:

1) She's super cute. Thanks for sharing.

2) She has NO IDEA she's super cute. I can relate to your story; I'm married to an Amazing and Gorgeous Woman who is totally clueless about how amazing and gorgeous as she is.

What it takes is patience, patience, and more patience. You've got to understand that when she looks in the mirror she DOESN'T SEE the same things you see. She sees everything that's wrong with her. She doesn't look at the whole package, or even focus in on the positives the way you and I do.

You're probably overestimating the damage you did with your earlier comment, by the way. She'd set herself up to think she was fat and ugly long before you came along. I'm sure you hurt her feelings (you've apologized, right? and made sure she knew you meant it?), but I'd bet the real damage was long done by the time you got there. And SHE did it, not you.

What there is to do now is love her exactly, precisely the way she is--INCLUDING her self-image issues. LOVE those self-image issues. They're part of her, and they're not going away, though with your support she will get better and better at not listening to them.

Great news for Relax
 

guess what, I have 2 good stories for you my good buddy.

My current g/f and I met online, and while we only live 2 hours away, we spent 2 years chatting before we even met. We did exchange photos, and did the phone thing, and, while I always have adored her figure, the point of this story is that it works, still works, and works great. We have now been in hopeless love for almost a year (11 months as of last week).

Us:
http://wanderlustonline.com/Images/carrie2.jpg


Thats the first fuzzy story.

The second is good too.

Two good friends of mine, who I met online live outside London, and the other in Missouri. (theres your pond). Penny (Missouri) has a few kids of her own (aged in the post college ages mostly) and Trev (England) has his own as well (same ages). They visit each other every few months, and call each other often.
The best part to this story is that they are getting married very shortly, the kids are ecstatic, and they will be living permanently in Haywards Heath, Britain, hopefully for the rest of their lives.
They are:
Penny:
http://wanderlustonline.com/Images/P0000019.JPG
and Trev:
http://wanderlustonline.com/Images/P0000231.JPG

There is another story about two of my friends who met online, but they are now married and have 3 of their own kids, so I dont need to go into too much detail on that one.

Anyway, hope that helps. Just keep at it, keep supporting her, let her know how much you care, and all that good stuff, it seems women love romantics anyway.
Your woman looks great, no doubt about that, just keep at it, and the future will reward you. ;)

Thanks everybody, you helped a LOT... thanks for all your advice and encouragement... I love TFP, not as much as I love Nicole, but it's a close second. :D

She just read the thread (under my user name) and is digesting it but she said a few things:

1. She loved SiNs story...
2. I am never goanna get to post her stripping on TPF :( I made a pact with her that if I ever did that I'd have to post myself too... so like hell that is going to happen. I just know too many websavvy people :p
3. She said ratbastid gave some good advice.... loving her with all her 'issues' and all...

Maybe one day I'll get her comfortable enough with herself to love herself as I love her, although that might be too much. ;)
Anyway, thanks guys :thumbsup:

glad to hear it...

best to both of you

Mate.. all you can do is keep telling her.. lol.. that's all.. just about all the women I know say.. aww I'm too fat.. aww is my bottom big.. aww I have tummy fat.. yada yada yada! And all you can really say is 'yeah you're right..' hehe.. Nah.. it has crossed my lips to my GF a couple of times, She just gives me an evil look lol! Just keep telling her how you feel about her 'You're the most beautiful woman I know, I love all your body and it's the most sexiest thing I know..'

:)
Goodluck!

"women have two sizes: too big and too small"
-credit goes to someone I forget

I have had a couple relationships that started out online, in fact next month I am gonna meet a girl that i met online about a month ago. We talk several times a day, and are rapidly falling in love without ever having met in person. I just wanna reiterate what everyone else has said by recommending that you just work on building up trust between the two of you, communication is the key to a successful relationship. Best of luck to you!

I'd have said I would never get lurkette stripping on TFP either, yet look just a bit up and to the left. So ya never know! :D

Good. Thanks for telling me!

It's not like there's a secret or a trick to having a great relationship, but as a rule of thumb, you can never go wrong loving her exactly the way she is <i>right now</i>.

She's really cute, man. Best of luck to you.

I was recently in a nine month relationship with a girl that was all the way across the US. That's somewhat similar to being across the Atlantic. Luckily, I had the means to go out and visit her a lot. I will say that it's hell on your phone bill, social life, and sleeping schedule, but it was worth it.

Just so ya know, we didn't break up cause of the distance or any of those other things I mentioned.

Anyway...like I said, good luck on it. It can be done.