My husband has no sex drive. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

07-13-2003, 07:52 PM

I've been married for going on 10 months and my husband and I have sex probably 3 times a month. This isn't nearly enough for me and I have told him this. He says "it's his nature and he can't do anything about it". I am planning on seeing a professional about this but I can't help but wonder why he feels this way. Have any of you guys had this problem?

P.S. There aren't any big stresses right now. We both have jobs, no kids and no mortgage. He isn't sick and neither am I.

daoist · 07-13-2003, 07:54 PM

did you have sex before you were married?

07-13-2003, 07:57 PM

Yes, many times.

daoist · 07-13-2003, 08:09 PM

often I take it?

who usually initiates sex? have you talked to him about stress in his life?

it may seem like you need counciling for this, but i dunno; if it were me in that situation i'd feel even more pressure about going to see a councilor over the whole deal.

motdakasha · 07-13-2003, 08:13 PM

Even "small" stress could cause lack of sex drive...

Kadath · 07-13-2003, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by noodle
Yes, many times.

And more regularly than this, I assume, else you wouldn't be asking...
Well, I've heard it said that there is less sex after marriage, but usually only in the "locker room" sense that women "put out less" in the charming vernacular of my gender. A counseller would be an excellent start, and I'll keep my concerns about the reasons behind this to myself.

clockworkgreen · 07-13-2003, 08:28 PM

This is probably an obvious question, but is he getting off somewhere else?

How old is he?

07-13-2003, 08:39 PM

No, he's as loyal as they come (no pun intended).

He is 26.

motdakasha · 07-13-2003, 09:02 PM

I agree that counselling of some sort is probably the best way to go.

daoist · 07-13-2003, 09:51 PM

exactly. i think taking complete control of a situation and forcing your husband into counciling could make your husband think you're pressuring him.

Maybe if you asked a professional for some advice and applied that, it would be cool.

Kadath · 07-14-2003, 05:03 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by daoist
exactly. i think taking complete control of a situation and forcing your husband into counciling could make your husband think you're pressuring him.

Maybe if you asked a professional for some advice and applied that, it would be cool.

I think that suggesting going to counselling(a council would be a group of people, as per the Council of Elrond, a counsellor is one ON a council. No such word as councilor or counciling.) together to discuss your situation shouldn't be construed as forcing him into it. If he reacts as if you are doing that, I'd say remind him that you are suggesting this because you love him and want both of you to be happy. Getting things right early on in the marriage saves woes down the road. Unilateral application of advice strikes me as sort of underhanded, and if he would feel pressured by couple therapy, I can only imagine how he might react to being "tricked" into sex(which is NOT how I view following a professional's advice, nor likely how he would/does; I'm just supposing here).

Ganguro · 07-14-2003, 07:45 AM

Did anyone ever stop to think "hey maybe this nely married husband is a little stressed out about being nely married, and thus his sex drive is 'bleh'."? three times a month isnt bad, considering the alternatives..sex all the time, but no love, or no sex at all. Talk to him about it noodle, but dont push him. How would you feel if he was always pushing you to do something you just weren't expecting.

Saxofonix · 07-14-2003, 08:31 AM

Some of the advice here is at odds with the situation. ie ... Noodle should approach this problem, but not be seen as pressuring / pushing him. That's a very fine balancing act.

In the end, there is a problem, and the way I see it, it is Noodle's husband that has the problem / issue .. made worse by him not acknowledging it. And Noodle shouldn't now be made to feel like she is causing it or exacerbating the problem.

If he can't express or explain why his sex drive dropped so low, then it is time for counselling.

(Just as an aside, I personally can't comprehend the idea of a man not being all that interested in sex.)

ratbastid · 07-14-2003, 08:49 AM

I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but my first few months of marriage were WEIRD, and one way it showed up was sexually.

I felt like my dad. I mean, not just in the way that I usually do--I look like him, sound like him, sort of think like him. I mean, I actually felt myself walking around feeling like my dad. And there was all this stuff that I felt like I "should" be doing, because now I'm a Husband. And lurkette was my Wife, and that Meant Something. I had to be Appropriate and Husbandly.

It was several months before I could really relax and be horny old me again.

Mango · 07-14-2003, 08:50 AM

26 and only 3 times a month? Poor girl. Slip a half a viagra in his dinner when you feel the need.

tinfoil · 07-14-2003, 08:53 AM

Indeed, I was in the same boat as ratbastid.

Talk to him about it, but be casreful as that would be one hell of a touchy subject and may cause more of a problem than you currently have. Nothing worse than feeling you are unable to satisfy your S.O., in my opinion.

swmacneil · 07-14-2003, 09:17 AM

i am engeged and have had similar issue with my fiance. she tends to make me do most of the work, i got tired of doing all the work so we were on a sex drought for a while, we talked about it, she gets to do more work now, and were back on track. you may think you do alot of work, but if there is something about sex that turns him off, you need to find it and work it out.

he is probably wacking it twice a day to compnsate. if you ask, he probbaly wont admit to that much, but trust me, he is doing it, maybe even at work. a close friend recenty reveled to me he wacks at work, a bigger trend then i knew of.

anyways, good luck.

Donkeypuncher · 07-14-2003, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Mango
Slip a half a viagra in his dinner when you feel the need.

So... he'll be hard as a rock for 8 hours and still won't want to do anything with it? He probably wakes up with wood every day.

Viagra doesn't do anything about desire; it just helps when you can't get it up. I didn't get the sense that was the problem here...

I've been a pretty sexual animal most of my adult life, but I know I go through stages where... it's not that I'm not interested - the idea is still appealing to me... I just don't find myself motivated when it's available to me. Hard to explain. It's usually outside influences - job difficulties, whatever. Stress is insidious... find out what's bugging him. Counseling may help with that...

07-14-2003, 11:06 AM

When i first moved in with my girlfriend, we maintained our very active sex life, but even the littlest stressors can affect my sex drive. Tiny little things go wrong at work, an inexpensive but inconvenient car repair, etc. Many people's sex drives run in cycles, so you may be surprised one day. Best of luck.

Hard8s · 07-14-2003, 08:41 PM

Has he started any new medications? A bunch of Meds cause that side effect. If that isn't it go out and buy some sexy lingerie and some high heels and put on a fashion show in the bedroom. He'll be ready to roll in no time.

FallenAvatar · 07-15-2003, 12:21 AM

If he is taking an anti depressant he can lose sex drive totally, and even not be able to get it up.

denton · 07-15-2003, 03:01 AM

I went through something similar after about a year of marriage...just got freaked out because one time I was "not interested" and the tiniest negative comment (wasn't used to that!) gave me a complex for several months. That coupled with knowing that EVERY time for now on was gonna be with that same person...really messed with me. Sex felt like work, extra pressure I didn't need and I avoided it for about 6 months. Pressure and sex don't mix well for guys! I had more "episodes" after that, finally my wife just told me we were going to be together a very long time and it was OK, etc...(instead of saying "what's wrong? is it me?" etc.. and acting like we have this big problem)
It was over then.

Gee, that was a lot of personal info but I am just trying to throw suggestions out there because sex problems suck!

Dnz · 07-15-2003, 03:10 AM

yeah just sort it out with him, and wasnt someone suppoed to chime in with the 'its not all about sex' business?

See if you can at least get some nice dinners out of him or something! Or shopping. Girls loooove shopping. heheh

Dnz · 07-15-2003, 03:10 AM

yeah just sort it out with him, and wasnt someone suppoed to chime in with the 'its not all about sex' business?

See if you can at least get some nice dinners out of him or something! Or shopping. Girls loooove shopping. heheh

WispOfDespair · 07-15-2003, 11:56 AM

Yeah, I tried some samples of anti-depressants for a couple weeks, and my sex drive disappeared almost completely. But I didn't flip people off while driving anymore. Needless to say I'm back driving with road rage but I'm more sexually active now.

Also, he isn't heavily involved in say online gaming or such? I was involved with an online role-playing game like Everquest for a long time and this also seemed to replace my sex drive. I gave it up for a few weeks and I was horny as all get out.

Also, this maybe deemed rude, but have you put on alot of weight since being married. Sometimes couples get too comfortable and quickly let themselves go.

laxative · 07-15-2003, 09:09 PM

one day i just woke up and decided my girlfriend was gross. she's the same, but something changed.

Trilidon · 07-16-2003, 06:04 PM

Maybe he should get his blood checked?

Testosterone levels
free testosterone
estrogen...

Just a thought... its called hypogonadism, his body may not be producing testosterone as well as it should.

kod · 07-16-2003, 06:52 PM

Honestly, this is kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation - most guys really don't respond well at all to pressure. Along those lines, initially seeing a professional (for advice not sex

) is a good idea, but if you end up wanting to talk to him in a therapy setting, I'd get him to make his own choice of counselor.
Otherwise it'll be an us vs them situation.

oh, and as for

Quote:

Originally posted by Kadath
(a council would be a group of people, as per the Council of Elrond, a counsellor is one ON a council. No such word as councilor or counciling.)

Sorry to be pedantic, but you brought it up first - councilor does indeed appear to be a word:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=councilor%20

MilleniumZeus · 07-16-2003, 06:57 PM

I have been married 11 years and I am lucky if we have sex three times a year.

Donkeypuncher · 07-16-2003, 07:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by kod
Sorry to be pedantic, but you brought it up first - councilor does indeed appear to be a word:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=councilor%20

Heh - if you're going to be pedantic, at least admit that, while a word, you used it incorrectly.

kod · 07-16-2003, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Donkeypuncher
Heh - if you're going to be pedantic, at least admit that, while a word, you used it incorrectly.

Umm, reread my post, I didn't misuse councilor or counselor. Daoist was the one who originally misused "counciling".

Oh, to add something slightly on-topic, the original post asked if any guys had this problem. I've never been married, but there have certainly been times when, due to various stresses or relationship issues, sex was not interesting more than once a week at most. Not even wanking at work or getting it elsewhere, as some have suggested. It worked itself out, as guy problems are wont to do.

oldman2003 · 07-16-2003, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by noodle
Have any of you guys had this problem?

Sorry, I know how you feel....I was married for 23 yrs (guess I still am sort of)....I was/am hornier than a billy goat every day of my life...by the way...I'm a guy...good luck kid, this will pass... .

Saxofonix · 07-16-2003, 09:01 PM

I still don't understand the connection between stress and lack of interest in sex .. how could you possibly forget how great sex feels ??

YerKidding · 07-17-2003, 12:33 AM

Dang. Nobody here knows me, so nobody knows I'm just a smartass, so I can't type "Really? Are you attractive? Want some company?" and have folks know I was joking, and not being intentionally hurtful.

Could you maybe do some of the things you did while dating? Go out to the same sort of restaurants? See the same kind of concerts?

Kadath · 07-17-2003, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by kod

Sorry to be pedantic, but you brought it up first - councilor does indeed appear to be a word:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=councilor%20

Sir, I am in your debt. I misspoke when I said "no such word as councilor." Still, "councilling" is out, and "councilor" would be wrong in terms of usage. So...some minor victory there, I guess...

air45 · 07-29-2003, 01:20 PM

maybe the way is the wine?

you could serve him the wine for dinner and perhaps he will feel sexy?

this would work on me and my swollen member.

denim · 07-29-2003, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Saxofonix
(Just as an aside, I personally can't comprehend the idea of a man not being all that interested in sex.)

I've had it explained to me. If the woman involved has put on lots of weight, for instance, or done something else which the guy just can't handle, he may have trouble being attracted enough to perform.

Or maybe sex has gotten too routine. Perhaps noodle might need to vary the scenario to get him going again.

denim · 07-29-2003, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Saxofonix
I still don't understand the connection between stress and lack of interest in sex .. how could you possibly forget how great sex feels ??

The one has nothing to do with the other.

Age, weight/health, and meds, external factors like financial stress (debt), relationship stress (going to see the inlaws tomorrow), a fight (more stress), and miscellaneous issues (his baseball team lost BIG), can cause problems for guys. Some of them can cause problems for women, too. And some, especially the health-related ones, can cause problems for the other partner.

It's not a matter of memory ("sex r0xr5!") but of ability. You're probably inexperienced in this. No biggie; I'm sure this will explain itself to you in time.

joe100 · 07-29-2003, 09:32 PM

This is one of those issues that as a married couple you need to discuss. But you may have to wait for a good time.

Do not start the conversation when you want to have sex. Start it when he doesn't feel the pressure to have sex right now.

Maybe give him some warning with a comment. Something like " I would like to talk about our sex lives when you have some time in the next week or so. No pressure."

Then when you have the conversation. Tell him that you would like to have sex more often. So what can you do to make him want to have sex more often.

The end result is you may have to take up masturbation to fill in the dry spells. Some people are just on a different cycle.

angela146 · 07-29-2003, 09:53 PM

Not to be silly, but by "sex" do you mean intercourse? Are you getting each other off in other ways most of the time and only screwing thrice a month?

Do you even have sex in ways other than intercourse?

07-13-2003, 07:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
noodle Guest	My husband has no sex drive. I've been married for going on 10 months and my husband and I have sex probably 3 times a month. This isn't nearly enough for me and I have told him this. He says "it's his nature and he can't do anything about it". I am planning on seeing a professional about this but I can't help but wonder why he feels this way. Have any of you guys had this problem? P.S. There aren't any big stresses right now. We both have jobs, no kids and no mortgage. He isn't sick and neither am I.

07-13-2003, 07:54 PM	#2 (permalink)
daoist Crazy	did you have sex before you were married? __________________ I:IV:XV

07-13-2003, 08:09 PM	#4 (permalink)
daoist Crazy	often I take it? who usually initiates sex? have you talked to him about stress in his life? it may seem like you need counciling for this, but i dunno; if it were me in that situation i'd feel even more pressure about going to see a councilor over the whole deal. __________________ I:IV:XV

07-13-2003, 08:13 PM	#5 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	Even "small" stress could cause lack of sex drive... __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

07-13-2003, 09:02 PM	#9 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	I agree that counselling of some sort is probably the best way to go. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

07-13-2003, 07:57 PM	#3 (permalink)
noodle Guest	Yes, many times.

07-13-2003, 08:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
clockworkgreen Psycho Location: DC	This is probably an obvious question, but is he getting off somewhere else? How old is he?

07-13-2003, 08:39 PM	#8 (permalink)
noodle Guest	No, he's as loyal as they come (no pun intended). He is 26.

07-13-2003, 09:51 PM	#10 (permalink)
daoist Crazy	exactly. i think taking complete control of a situation and forcing your husband into counciling could make your husband think you're pressuring him. Maybe if you asked a professional for some advice and applied that, it would be cool. __________________ I:IV:XV

07-14-2003, 07:45 AM	#12 (permalink)
Ganguro Army of Me	Did anyone ever stop to think "hey maybe this nely married husband is a little stressed out about being nely married, and thus his sex drive is 'bleh'."? three times a month isnt bad, considering the alternatives..sex all the time, but no love, or no sex at all. Talk to him about it noodle, but dont push him. How would you feel if he was always pushing you to do something you just weren't expecting.

07-14-2003, 08:31 AM	#13 (permalink)
Saxofonix Upright	Some of the advice here is at odds with the situation. ie ... Noodle should approach this problem, but not be seen as pressuring / pushing him. That's a very fine balancing act. In the end, there is a problem, and the way I see it, it is Noodle's husband that has the problem / issue .. made worse by him not acknowledging it. And Noodle shouldn't now be made to feel like she is causing it or exacerbating the problem. If he can't express or explain why his sex drive dropped so low, then it is time for counselling. (Just as an aside, I personally can't comprehend the idea of a man not being all that interested in sex.)

07-14-2003, 08:49 AM	#14 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but my first few months of marriage were WEIRD, and one way it showed up was sexually. I felt like my dad. I mean, not just in the way that I usually do--I look like him, sound like him, sort of think like him. I mean, I actually felt myself walking around feeling like my dad. And there was all this stuff that I felt like I "should" be doing, because now I'm a Husband. And lurkette was my Wife, and that Meant Something. I had to be Appropriate and Husbandly. It was several months before I could really relax and be horny old me again.

07-14-2003, 08:50 AM	#15 (permalink)
Mango Banned	26 and only 3 times a month? Poor girl. Slip a half a viagra in his dinner when you feel the need.

07-14-2003, 08:53 AM	#16 (permalink)
tinfoil Fucking Hostile Location: Springford, ON, Canada	Indeed, I was in the same boat as ratbastid. Talk to him about it, but be casreful as that would be one hell of a touchy subject and may cause more of a problem than you currently have. Nothing worse than feeling you are unable to satisfy your S.O., in my opinion. __________________ Get off your fuckin cross. We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

07-14-2003, 09:17 AM	#17 (permalink)
swmacneil Tilted	i am engeged and have had similar issue with my fiance. she tends to make me do most of the work, i got tired of doing all the work so we were on a sex drought for a while, we talked about it, she gets to do more work now, and were back on track. you may think you do alot of work, but if there is something about sex that turns him off, you need to find it and work it out. he is probably wacking it twice a day to compnsate. if you ask, he probbaly wont admit to that much, but trust me, he is doing it, maybe even at work. a close friend recenty reveled to me he wacks at work, a bigger trend then i knew of. anyways, good luck.

07-14-2003, 11:06 AM	#19 (permalink)
smithja0423 Guest	When i first moved in with my girlfriend, we maintained our very active sex life, but even the littlest stressors can affect my sex drive. Tiny little things go wrong at work, an inexpensive but inconvenient car repair, etc. Many people's sex drives run in cycles, so you may be surprised one day. Best of luck.

07-14-2003, 08:41 PM	#20 (permalink)
Hard8s Addict Location: Wherever I am!	Has he started any new medications? A bunch of Meds cause that side effect. If that isn't it go out and buy some sexy lingerie and some high heels and put on a fashion show in the bedroom. He'll be ready to roll in no time. __________________ If ignorance is bliss, then wipe this smile off my face!

07-15-2003, 12:21 AM	#21 (permalink)
FallenAvatar Psycho	If he is taking an anti depressant he can lose sex drive totally, and even not be able to get it up. __________________ Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father, Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

07-15-2003, 03:01 AM	#22 (permalink)
denton Crazy	I went through something similar after about a year of marriage...just got freaked out because one time I was "not interested" and the tiniest negative comment (wasn't used to that!) gave me a complex for several months. That coupled with knowing that EVERY time for now on was gonna be with that same person...really messed with me. Sex felt like work, extra pressure I didn't need and I avoided it for about 6 months. Pressure and sex don't mix well for guys! I had more "episodes" after that, finally my wife just told me we were going to be together a very long time and it was OK, etc...(instead of saying "what's wrong? is it me?" etc.. and acting like we have this big problem) It was over then. Gee, that was a lot of personal info but I am just trying to throw suggestions out there because sex problems suck!

07-15-2003, 03:10 AM	#23 (permalink)
Dnz Tilted	yeah just sort it out with him, and wasnt someone suppoed to chime in with the 'its not all about sex' business? See if you can at least get some nice dinners out of him or something! Or shopping. Girls loooove shopping. heheh

07-15-2003, 03:10 AM	#24 (permalink)
Dnz Tilted	yeah just sort it out with him, and wasnt someone suppoed to chime in with the 'its not all about sex' business? See if you can at least get some nice dinners out of him or something! Or shopping. Girls loooove shopping. heheh

07-15-2003, 11:56 AM	#25 (permalink)
WispOfDespair Upright	Yeah, I tried some samples of anti-depressants for a couple weeks, and my sex drive disappeared almost completely. But I didn't flip people off while driving anymore. Needless to say I'm back driving with road rage but I'm more sexually active now. Also, he isn't heavily involved in say online gaming or such? I was involved with an online role-playing game like Everquest for a long time and this also seemed to replace my sex drive. I gave it up for a few weeks and I was horny as all get out. Also, this maybe deemed rude, but have you put on alot of weight since being married. Sometimes couples get too comfortable and quickly let themselves go.

07-15-2003, 09:09 PM	#26 (permalink)
laxative Loser Location: the bathroom	one day i just woke up and decided my girlfriend was gross. she's the same, but something changed.

07-16-2003, 06:04 PM	#27 (permalink)
Trilidon Tilted	Maybe he should get his blood checked? Testosterone levels free testosterone estrogen... Just a thought... its called hypogonadism, his body may not be producing testosterone as well as it should.

07-16-2003, 06:57 PM	#29 (permalink)
MilleniumZeus Crazy Location: Northern Virginia	I have been married 11 years and I am lucky if we have sex three times a year. __________________ ZEUS IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

07-16-2003, 09:01 PM	#33 (permalink)
Saxofonix Upright	I still don't understand the connection between stress and lack of interest in sex .. how could you possibly forget how great sex feels ??

07-17-2003, 12:33 AM	#34 (permalink)
YerKidding Insane Location: Arkanstone	Dang. Nobody here knows me, so nobody knows I'm just a smartass, so I can't type "Really? Are you attractive? Want some company?" and have folks know I was joking, and not being intentionally hurtful. Could you maybe do some of the things you did while dating? Go out to the same sort of restaurants? See the same kind of concerts?

07-29-2003, 01:20 PM	#36 (permalink)
air45 Loser Location: Midwest	maybe the way is the wine? you could serve him the wine for dinner and perhaps he will feel sexy? this would work on me and my swollen member.

07-29-2003, 09:32 PM	#39 (permalink)
joe100 Banned	This is one of those issues that as a married couple you need to discuss. But you may have to wait for a good time. Do not start the conversation when you want to have sex. Start it when he doesn't feel the pressure to have sex right now. Maybe give him some warning with a comment. Something like " I would like to talk about our sex lives when you have some time in the next week or so. No pressure." Then when you have the conversation. Tell him that you would like to have sex more often. So what can you do to make him want to have sex more often. The end result is you may have to take up masturbation to fill in the dry spells. Some people are just on a different cycle.

07-29-2003, 09:53 PM	#40 (permalink)
angela146 Loser Location: Somewhere near Hubby	Not to be silly, but by "sex" do you mean intercourse? Are you getting each other off in other ways most of the time and only screwing thrice a month? Do you even have sex in ways other than intercourse?