jaxslvrsn1

I'm litterally at a crossroads with myself.

I've been with my "girlfriend" (in quotations because I'm not exactly sure what she is now) for about almost 11 months now, and I am very confused about where this is going.

I fell she has little or no appreciation for me. I've tried doing everything I can to be her MAN. I've been polite to her, her family, and her friends. I've taken her on various dinner/movie dates (never let her paid a single cent for anything, except one time, and only one time, when I only had enough money for gas, since she lives 25 mins. from me and i have a gas guzzler of a car) I have never had a problem with driving that far to see her, in my eyes she was/is worth it. I've also taken her to Disneyland for about 4 times (not to mention that it's about an hour from where I live, also not to mention that I bought her tickets)

She loves Disneyland, and I do too. Anyone that thinks that Disneyland sucks, well I fell sorry for you.

Anyway aside from the fact that I've done everything I could to make her happy.. I still feel that somehow she just doesn't appreciate what I do for her, and that kills me.

I feel so stuck because I know deep down inside of her she does appreciate what I DO for her, but I dont feel that she appreciates ME as a person. Sometimes she goes online but doesn't even bother to message me or anything. I try calling or texting, but no response. I know when she's busy or not coz she'd go on "busy", but really she just has a lack of communication with me.

And... cut to two weekends ago.. she decided that we needed to take a break. OK well, for some reason I definitely know that taking a break would be fine, but then she's been talking about breaking up. I didn't take so well to that. I love her with all I've got. If I could give the the moon, I would.

Just a few days ago she tells me that we're back together and I couldn't have been happier..

Today she hasn't said a word to me, and I think shes back to thinking about breaking up.

I don't know what to do.

MrFriendly

Honestly man, I'd accept that she's just not that into you and politely part ways. Plenty of fine lasses out there that will appreciate you. No good torturing yourself for someone who doesn't feel the same way for you as you do for them.

But that's all very easy for me to say, whatever happens I hope it's for the best.

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jaxslvrsn1

thanks mate, much appreciated. been having a rough time

MrFriendly

Just... Don't let yourself become a door mat and miserable for the sake of being with someone. It's OK to be alone.

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jaxslvrsn1

yeah, before her I was actually fine being alone, I guess once I'm in a relationship I just don't want to be alone. weird =/ ...ah well

jewels

Sometimes we enter a relationship because we like someone and think there's potential for love to grow. Sometimes it takes a while to know for sure.

I'd have a sit-down conversation and determine what brought her to the decision that you're back together? Sounds as though she has total control of you and the relationship. It's quite possible you're on two different pages and you are entitled to know the truth.

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ellie

Going on only what you've shared here, I wouldn't even bother talking to her. Just quit contacting her, just like she does you, and go about your business. I guess I really have a soft spot for nice guys who get taken advantage of. But yes, the mature way of handling it would be to have her over, put a pot of coffee on, shut off the TV and talk about what you're feeling. But please don't fall into her trap. She may be the one feeling like she doesn't want to be alone here. In other words, she may be using you for her own insecurities.

Looking forward to reading the results of what you decide to do.

zenda

Yup

Best wishes to you and I'm looking forward to hearing your next moves

Baraka_Guru

I heard a rumour that women are attracted to men who ensure their own satisfaction and happiness on top of "all that other stuff."

Are you taking care of your own needs? Does she know this?

Just give, give, give, with no taking, or with no focusing on yourself, is something you shouldn't be doing anyway. I assume most women want someone they can respect, not a servant or a one-sided suitor.

Taking care of your own needs on top of doing what you do for her will deserve her respect. If she doesn't respect you in spite of this, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship, maybe open up more communication channels.

You could just be misreading the situation.

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The_Jazz

I kind of agree with Baraka_Guru. It seems like this relationship is completely one-sided. You don't even know how to define it but you're all about her. You seem to have put her up on some sort of pedistal and only want to admire her.

I think you might like the concept of her more than you actually like her. If the reverse were true, I don't think you'd have posted.

I've done that too, as have many guys, especially young guys. And that's why I know that this next part is going to suck for you. She's probably going to break up with you sooner or later. As much as you may want to grow old together, that probably won't happen. Sorry to be blunt, but, well, it's what I do.

Now, that doesn't mean you won't end up together down the road. "If you love something, set it free." Right? The "break" gives you time to figure out more about yourself and why you're ok with being her doormat. It can't be all about her all the time - honestly that's pretty boring. You don't necessarily have to be alone, but you should be with someone that you view as an equal, not someone that you think is inherently better than you.

Then again, maybe I'm full of shit. That happens all the time too. Just ask around.

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jaxslvrsn1

thanks guys, I really needed some advice, just been stressing out on this and college and other family matters =/

---------- Post added at 12:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:45 AM ----------

I just came back from class, and on my way to the campus parking lot I saw her park her car just as i was about to leave. She didn't text/call me telling me that she saw my car or anything. I tried calling her 3 times yesterday, she never called back/messaged me on my phone or online. She's giving me some sort of weird "silent treatment" for her own made-up-in-her-mind reasons.

I can't stand it.

All these things I go through pretty much tells me that I'm just going to have to move the hell on.

I feel as if I was so much better off alone since she started acting this way.
She wasn't like that before. People change, I guess.

Anyway... Things come and go.

KirStang

I'm guessing this is one of your first relationships. I've been where you've been. Let her go. She obviously does not value you, nor does she seem to respect you. It sucks now, but there will be better, later.

Your time and energy can be better spent on someone who actually appreciates what you do.

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zenda

Hi Jaxslvrsn, I've had a chance to sleep on it
And Oh DANG ... I've had a chance to read your update, so I am editing [in italics] this post to take account of it:

That sense of your actually being fine alone - you can remember that.
Can you remember how that sense of actually being fine alone was when you'd just met her, and BEFORE you were 'in a relationship' with her? That time when you're actually alone and feeling fine just as she is right in front of you - a future friend?

When you next sit at the table with this lady, or with some other, all the above - your actual sense of fine aloneness - and sharing it, is every bit as important as your feelings for her, texting, telephone, journeying, and the way you quite rightly want good things for her and you both.

I'll guess that the 'you' she first liked was the 'you who are fine being alone'; and that 'You who've done lots of nice things for her' is a guy she's appreciated, but is only half the package; looking to your future, I speculate that your combining the good guy you are when you're alone with the nice guy you are with her recently, is the guy any girl could have a better chance of getting to know you properly.

Reality check: She will, in addition, have her own reasons, her own angles, which, like you, shes dealing with in herself, and maybe with friends and forum buddies. Each of you a mystery to the other until both of you put more cards on the table.
An Updated Reality Check: as long as there's not specific stuff you've said or done to piss her off ... like hammering her email or phone (you've not done that have you?) ... then her extreme hot/cold attention/avoidance of you is dang rude. Kind of reminds me of me, my mates, and the young godesses at the nearby girls' school. We werent half clumsy young buggers.

In both cases, I reckon now is the right time to have a think how Mr 'I'm actually fine being alone' and Mr 'I just don't want to be alone' may get to know each other better and work well together at this special time - a strong balance for all this and any relationship you can imagine in the days and weeks to come.

Take care and best wishes

jaxslvrsn1

thanks for your words Zenda =] and to answer your question if she had been avoiding me for something I've done: No, I don't know what made her want to do that. I haven't bombarded her emails or phone or anything. I think it's probably her way of saying she's leaving me.

Before I was with her, I was coming out of a lousy long distance-relationship. I gave myself a year to "work" on myself. I vowed not to become too emotionally attached to the people I date.

Ironically, I was hesitant to even go out with her in the first place. A few months of calls and chats, we decided to go on a date. We just fell for each other and I was head over heels for her. As months passed I started noticing small changes in her attitude towards me. I don't know what happened then.

IraGarcia

She's mad at you for some reason. I can't make out why from what you have said here but there is something that you've done, or not done, that is annoying her. Figure out what that is and address that and things will likely go better for you.

jaxslvrsn1

I don't have an idea of why she'd be mad at me. We haven't talked since yesterday... even then it was just a quick "hello, goodbye" kind of chat, nothing serious, like. I tried calling her too, but no answer or anything. So I really don't know what's up with her.

For now, I'm just going to worry about me and my happiness.

MSD

Change your relationship status on Facebook to single. If she doesn't notice it in her profile, she'll figure it out when her friends start commenting on it.

LAW2

You sound kind of like me so let me say this and I hope it helps. I'm a nice guy. I've been married and now I'm dating again. In all this I've learned that a woman has to respect you and most won't if you do everything for them, worship them and call/text them all the time.

It's in my nature to care for someone and I'm most happy doing just that, but after a while I think a woman see's me as a pushover.
I think your GF was attracted to you at first because you were hesitant to go out with her. You were a challenge. To her you probably appeared so confident that the decision to date her was yours alone. Once in the relationship though she gains all the control and you're like a puppy on a leash to her. IDK you but this is just my opinion.

It sounds to me that the relationship is over. There is no such thing as a break. A break is a break up. If I were you I would call her once and if she answers tell her "our relationship isn't working for me anymore. This is hard to say and I don't want to hurt you but I want to be clear. We should not be together."

She will be in shock and I bet will try to talk you out of it, but don't give in. There are lots of woman out there and you should be happy.

Lucifer

if she doesn't answer, you can always text and dump

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Anormalguy

Quit trying to contact her, and get on with your life. I'm guessing that she won't contact you, she'll let the relationship end without an 'official' split.

It sounds as though she's keeping you around until someone better comes along.

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RogueGypsy

At the risk of sounding unsympathetic; You need to take your pants back.

Knowing only what I've read here, when she met you, you were a mystery and exciting. Now you're predictable and boring. Until a women really gets to know you and falls in love with you, she needs that mystery and excitement to remain interested long enough to become enamored with you. Otherwise you're just another guy and that's not what dating women are looking for, they can have that anywhere. They want "the one", their "white knight", whatever their image of the perfect male is. Not a really nice predictable guy. They need to know you can handle your own life.

So suck it up, take your pants back and quit being such a puppy for a while. I'm not saying turn into a raging asshole or anything like that, I'm just saying put your interests first so she has something to compete with. Do what you want to do and post updates where she'll see them, but don't make any direct contact with her, let her contact you. Let her know, through your actions, that if she wants to be part of your life, she needs to step up.

If she's truly interested, she will step up. IF not, you never had a chance to begin with and she was just using you until she found something better. Either way, you're better off.

Once she changes her mind from dating to marrying, then the game changes, nice and predictable is what she'll want.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but it's true. It's our primal nature.

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jaxslvrsn1

thanks for all of your awesome words guys.

today was a slightly better day

jaxslvrsn1

so clear now.

what's done is done.

officially single now

Iliftrocks

I don't know if you've officially broken up with her, but it might be best for your self image if you at least leave her a message and say that it wasn't working out for you, and you hope she finds what she is looking for.

I had a girlfriend a while ago, and we were doing pretty good together, but eventually she started pulling away. I figured out that she was worried about hurting me, and didn't want to break up with me for that reason. I did her the favor of breaking up with her, nice and gently. I still miss her sometimes, but it was the right thing to do.

I also think me doing the breaking up made it easier for me to move on.

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Manic_Skafe

Don't accept her being distant and her unwillingness to discuss this with you like an adult as being merely uncommunicative. Whether she intends to or not, she's telling you a great deal about what she feels you're worth, how she feels you deserve to be treated and how she values your relationship.

I've been where you are and while I think there's truth to that idea that you must be careful not to give too much (especially too soon) so as to maintain a level of mystery and facilitate desire, that stuff seems way too much like game playing and after a good long while of being with someone if you're still considering defensive moves like this as opposed to just being yourself then you're probably not compatible enough to be together anyway.

Kudos to you for sacking up and walking away. You'll be much better for it.

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Lady Bear Cub

Does she only call you when she needs something? Sorry, but it just sounds like she is using you. You seem like you deserve so much better. Don't let her ruin your kind nature, though. You'll find someone who appreciates you.

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jaxslvrsn1

nah, I dont worry about it much anymore

we're over now so I just have more time for me

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MrFriendly

Good to hear that you're doing what's right by you. It's important.

Take your time, get to know yourself, get to enjoy yourself, and you'll find a nice lass before to long.

Take it easy man

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