Bisexual dilemma - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

lurkette · 07-12-2003, 11:27 AM

So, I've been pretty sure since I was about 14 that I am bisexual. I am very attracted to women, but I've never done anything about it besides fantasize. And now I have the opportunity to do something about it and I'm scared shitless and don't know what to do.

I'm married (to Ratbastid, hi hon) and we've been together for 12 years, married for 8. He knows of my sexual tendencies and we get a kick out of the fantasy aspect of it. It's not that I don't want to be with women, it's that before I met him, I was still technically a virgin and had only ever fooled around with 2 other men, and had never had the opportunity to be with a woman. After we started dating and got serious, I thought about it but ran into a lot of the same problems I'm having now. Read on.

Ratbastid and I have a friend who is bisexual, also married, but they have a more or less open marriage. She's said she's attracted to me, and I know she's free to act on that attraction, and with Ratbastid's permission (granted already), so am I. BUT...

what if this changes our friendship? my friendship with her husband?
what if this changes Ratbastid's friendship with her/her husband?
what if this changes our marriage? will things ever be the same? will this make us closer, just another experience, or will it create tension and emotional stress?
is it safe (STD-wise)? I'd gotten used to not having to worry about that.
how will I act when she's around with our other friends who DON'T know I'm bi? (Only my husband, my mom and my sister know). Will I have to be out? Will I be able to live with myself if I'm not?

Argh!!! What should I do? The default, of course, is to do nothing, and to leave this aspect of my sexuality unexplored. I've lived with it this long. But that feels, somehow, like a cop-out. Do I do the "safe" thing - physically, emotionally - or do I take a chance and grow, whether the consequences are good or bad?

Ganguro · 07-12-2003, 12:38 PM

well i can somewhat relate to your feelings. The safe thing would be to not act upon your desires and keep on truckin', but that might not be what you want to hear. Being phyiscally attracted to someone is something you cant avoid, but you have to choose if you want to jeopardaize a friendhsip, or compromise your relationship to satisfy an inquiry. You dont want a relationship with this other woman, but you just want to see what it's like right? Is that worth changing your life for? Only you can make that call despite what anyone tells you.

only you. Good Luck

Donkeypuncher · 07-12-2003, 12:57 PM

As with all things involving another person, talk to her about it. Express your concerns. Go over all of it with your husband, too.

Even if you do all that, things might get weird afterwards, but if you've talked it out and everyone's ok beforehand, the likelihood is pretty low that it'll really go south. If anything feels funny afterwards, just say so and don't do it again - no harm, no foul.

Of course it'll change relationships. All experiences that we share with someone else, by nature, do that. That said, it doesn't have to be a bad change. Maybe it doesn't work out for whatever reason, but if we're all adults here, it doesn't mean you can't look each other in the eye later, or even laugh about it. ("hey, remember that time I ate you out? How weird was THAT?? haha") I think most of us have ex's in our lives and it doesn't have to be weird at all... it's just a shared history.

Will you have to be "out"? That's entirely up to you and those concerns should be expressed beforehand as well.

Above all, have fun. =)

Lebell · 07-12-2003, 01:03 PM

Well, I know people who have open marriages that work, I also know people who have tried it and it ruined them.

The difference? Communication Communication Communication along with emotional stability.

I think your first step is to sit down with ratbastid and talk about all these very real concerns, what you expect and what he expects. Where are the limits?

And yes, ask yourselves honestly, can this be done without emotions and other expectations developing?

If you want to procede, then you have to talk to your friend and ask the same hard questions and lay out exactly what you two are wanting from this, how will things be after, etc. From the sound of it, perhaps the four of you should get together and have a frank and honest discussion.

IF and ONLY IF you can do these things and feel positive, do I recommend proceding with this.

isandro · 07-12-2003, 01:03 PM

Yup, Ganguro's got a point- are you clear on what you expect from it?
Do you think you might 'switch' completely to being a lesbian?
Would you say your attraction is mostly physical or emotional?
Would it feel like cheating?

I couldn't tell you how it would affect all the relationships you describe- mostly because I know next to nothing about you or those relationships.
I do think it will cause some stress. You seem very concerned with the possible consequences, so you'll worry alot

Rule number one is to keep communicating
If she has an open marriage, she might have (had) several sexual relationships [who also have several] and then there's no telling how safe things are.
However, if her husband is healthy...

Anyway, it all comes down to trust, I guess.

How would you feel if you'd just cuddle with her, both fully dressed. Something on the edge of your comfort zone, but not beyond it.
Just take it one small step at a time, that way you'll all have time to catch up with your emotions.

It does sound pretty exciting though, I hope you're enjoying it atleast a little bit

LittleOralAnnie · 07-12-2003, 01:08 PM

I think it would be best to not act but to remain faithful to your husband. Maybe you could be one of the lucky ones, but I have seen a few friends relationships and friendships get destroyed because they acted upon impulse and decided to experiment and open up their marriages to others.

Marriage should be shared between two people only and there are many ways to explore and experiment with each other that would be just as fully satisfying as it would be to bring someone else into the relationship.

Most often I've seen the resentment and bitterness that comes from this. Everything starts out fine, everyone is willing to try this out but then someone always ends up getting hurt, jealous or angry. IMHO, it wouldn't be worth risking such a long marriage over one fantasy. In the end though, it's totally up to you what road you will choose. Good luck with the decision you make.

rogue49 · 07-12-2003, 01:47 PM

It's not whether you are in a open relationship or not.
It's not whether it's a man or a woman.

It's about whether your relationship can withstand the emotions
that are going to come up sooner or later.

And remember fantasies do not equal reality.
Think about the consequences, and consider all the angles.
It's not good or bad, just another aspect.
People are complicated.

I wish you well,
just keep talking, loving, and enjoy.

ssander9 · 07-12-2003, 02:31 PM

My wife and I have an honest relationship, good communications and always get along well together. That being said..

It did not hurt our relationship at all, in fact may have enhanced it a little. You must be sure:

1. Whoever you are with does not fall in love with you and understands it is only when you and your husband agree to it. In other words, don't run over to her house because your husband isn't home and your horny.

2. All parties involved know it is not a permanent situation and a sex free for all anytime they want it.

3. The rules of the game must be laid out with ALL involved before anything gets started!

lurkette · 07-14-2003, 11:02 AM

Does anybody's answer change if this becomes a threesome situation, instead of me and my girlfriend?

07-14-2003, 11:09 AM

My girlfriend is extremely attracted to women, but won't act on her urges out of loyalty to me. I really don't know how i'd handle it, but it sucks knowing that a part of her his unhappy. If you find a resolution to your situation that is amicable to all, i'd love to hear it.

Donkeypuncher · 07-14-2003, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by lurkette
Does anybody's answer change if this becomes a threesome situation, instead of me and my girlfriend?

Nah - same answer. Everyone involved needs to discuss it and air out any concerns. If someone's not comfortable with it, don't do it. Occasional taking of the temperature is a good thing, too, along the way... just to make sure everyone's on board. This sort of thing is supposed to be fun and adventurous and if it's not fun for all involved (even those who are only involved by proxy), it's not worth doing.

Good luck!

isandro · 07-14-2003, 12:08 PM

well...

Quote:

Originally posted by lurkette
Does anybody's answer change if this becomes a threesome situation, instead of me and my girlfriend?

Well...for some reason, my gf (if i had one at the moment) experimenting with a female would be entirely open to discussion.
On the other hand, if she's so much as flirt with some guy I'd go totally nuts. I guess somehow I don't really consider girls as a threat- otherwise I'm very, very jealous.
Anyway, I'd say threesomes are more risky. I'm guessing your husband would participate, as opposed to hers?
Have you considered how you'd feel when you'd see your hubby putting his hands on another woman?
IMO, it could be great as long as all participants are comfortable and secure and open about their feelings.

[quote]
Original quote by Donkeypuncher

Everyone involved needs to discuss it and air out any concerns. If someone's not comfortable with it, don't do it.

Yup!

And again, I think there are many things you can do before going all the way.

Fallon · 07-14-2003, 12:15 PM

I, personally would love to hear that my fiancee had the chance to explore her bisexual side, but reality would set in that there would be resentment in the future if she actually did it. I know from experience in being put into a foursome with her and another couple, there was resentment and shock, and a multitude of other things. The thing that held us together though, was our communication. Sure it sucked at that point, but it got a lot better afterward.

If you and your husband both agree that you two are totally commited to each other and you both know that this won't be a regular thing then I'd say think about it a bit more and talk about it some more. Voice your concerns with him about it and ask him honostly what his are. Good luck from my fiancee and I.

Lebell · 07-14-2003, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lurkette
Does anybody's answer change if this becomes a threesome situation, instead of me and my girlfriend?

Nope,

same hazards, same answer.

rogue49 · 07-14-2003, 12:39 PM

same answer.

BigJayz · 07-14-2003, 12:58 PM

I feel that as long as you have good open lines of communication with all involved it could be an extremely wonderful gratifying experience. Just let all the people involved know your concerns about damaging friendships and relationships and let them know that above all else, the relationships you have are the most important thing and if things feel wierd or akward that you have to let eachother know. If you do this I think that even if you feel akward you can preserve the relationships.

Just like they say in Vegas.... "what happens here, stays here", if later you all feel comfortable enough, then you can let it be known. I say go for it and have fun!

Leviathan[NCV] · 07-14-2003, 01:54 PM

Tom Leykis would say no, and he's got a good points around it, though I would be more worried if it was going to be a threesome. It can just ruin a good relationship

Leviathan

LordEden · 07-14-2003, 02:20 PM

My girlfriend and I had this discuission about 6 or so months into our relationship, she is bisexual (bi-curious, whatever you want to call ie) and we openly talk about girls we like and see around our town. We talked alot about bringing a girl in for a night of fun, she had never did anything but kiss a girl on a dare, but she was really insterested in a female counterpart. I have nothing against being with just my baby (you're so cute scarebearjinx

so I left the final disicion up to her, we laid down ground rules, talked about what could and couldn't be done. We met a girl through a friend and ended up letting her spend the night at my place. It was fun, but a little weird, we had a long talk after she left and discussed how we felt, all and all we communicated enugh to get our feelings across and we have no regrets about it. I think the most important thing to get across is that both of you want to stay together with each other, not the people who come from the outside. Just talk, ALOT think about every possible thing that comes to your mind about it, like many said before, communication is the KEY. If you're worried in the least bit about it killing your marriage, don't do it, it could do that and worse

.
As for S.T.Ds Condoms were used and we got tested later after all was done. Clean bill of health (except for the smoking a pack a day, stress, and bong hits, but that's beside the point).

motdakasha · 07-14-2003, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lurkette
what if this changes our friendship? my friendship with her husband?
what if this changes Ratbastid's friendship with her/her husband?
what if this changes our marriage? will things ever be the same? will this make us closer, just another experience, or will it create tension and emotional stress?
is it safe (STD-wise)? I'd gotten used to not having to worry about that.
how will I act when she's around with our other friends who DON'T know I'm bi? (Only my husband, my mom and my sister know). Will I have to be out? Will I be able to live with myself if I'm not?

any change in relationship (going from friend to secondary) is going to change the friendship. it's up to you and her if this will be a positive or negative change. if they are polyamorous, then your friendship with her husband may become closer depending on their arrangement/agreement. all relationships are changing all the time. any relationship can go from just fine, to better, or worse. if you can't deal with the possibilities, then perhaps you shouldn't try poly.
to answer the first four questions: we cannot predict your future.

talk to your friend and her husband. do they normally practice safe sex with their other partners? have they set boundaries/rules for protection? if you don't know if they're safe, ASK.

only you can answer the last set of questions. it's your life.

Double D · 07-14-2003, 07:48 PM

I can't add anything to the compassionate replies/suggestions you've received here, lurkette, but just one bit of caution.

Usually, when something really big and life changing happens, we should hold off for a while before we make really big decisions, like buying a house, changing jobs or...trying bisexuality.

As you recently lost your dear brother, I would wait a bit longer to heal before I opened myself up to a potentially emotionally loaded situation.

raeanna74 · 07-15-2003, 12:47 PM

"I think your first step is to sit down with ratbastid and talk about all these very real concerns, what you expect and what he expects. Where are the limits? "

Very good advice. Communication and making sure you both know your limits and expectations are best to ensure a successful adventure. Dei37 and I have tried swapping with other couples. I would say that whole thing has strengthed us rather than hurt us. We were pretty dedicated to each other to begin with. It did bring up some issues probably sooner than they would have come up otherwise but maybe that was better in that they didn't get to be big problems before we solved them.

When I first expeienced a woman it was a powerful experience. There is no way to understand the way it feels. If you are already friends with this woman that may make it easier.

Also We have met one couple that we swapped with. Since then we have not done anything sexually but we see then a couple times a week and there is no tension. We are free to flirt and know there is no pressure. This could simply be a way to open up your friendships and feel more relaxed. I'll admit the first time we swapped and then later met the couple in the mall it was a strange feeling thinking - "Man! I fucked with this couple!" That wears off fast and after that things are just fun and exciting.

Whatever you do be completely open and honest about things and COMMUNICATE. If you know your bounderies and where everyone stands you'll be fine. Good Luck

bovik · 07-15-2003, 10:56 PM

You might also want to take a look at the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory, which is about open relationships and closed relationships between more than two people. It's a fairly high-traffic place, with lots of resources available and personal experiences to read.

acostello · 07-15-2003, 11:51 PM

Seriously, dialogue and communications can help iron out the complex feelings -- Nothing wrong with having an alternative lifestyle.

ElementXY · 04-22-2007, 07:14 AM

Hi! I just came across a thread liek this on another site and replied to it and would say the same thing here so I'm going to post my reply from the other site onto here as well. I just came across this topic when doing a search and wanted to give you my perspective. I'm not married and can't say I fully understand that depth of commitment yet as not having reached that point in my life yet. I can tell you a little about my experience though. I'm a 24 year old gay/bi guy, meaning I am emotionally and sexually attracted to men mostly, and rarely attracted to the occasional woman. Five years ago when I was just beginning my first male/male relationship I was in a place in my life where I was very curious about a lot of things and arrogantly thought I was very open minded about sex. I had little qualms about sex as long as it did not hurt another person.
I was very much in love with my boyfriend and we were together for a year or so. I wanted badly to experiment and have a threesome, mainly out of curiousity and horniness. I was a little worried about the idea of "sharing" my bf with someone else and I feared jealousy about seeing him sexually with another guy but my intense curiosity got the better of me. We did end up having a threesome, we actually tried it a couple times. Each time when we were finished we both had a real intense feeling of guilt. I'm not sure if this is because of our own backgrounds. I was brought up very Christian and struggled for along time with my sexuality and sex outside of marriage in general. Regardless it just didn't feel right, so we did not have any more threesomes, but something in our relationship was lost. The intimacy we had before was just not there anymore and there was almost a sense of mistrust or doubt in the depth our love for eachother. It was just a nagging feeling, but things were not the same for us anymore. On a side note, I found out when we broke up a year later, that he ended up meeting the other guy and had sex with him privately, without me. It was an awful feeling,because his primary objection to a threesome was that he was afraid I'd want to go have sex with the guy or develop feeling for the other guy, and it turned out that was the problem he ended up having, not me. I had assured him that the only reason I wanted a threesome was because I wanted to share another person physically with him. It was not just because I was horny and wanted an excuse to screw someone else.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I realized that I could never have a threesome again if I was in a relationship because it caused something to shift and change and the dynamic we had was never the same again. I grew jealous even though I was sure I would not, and I had these awful memories of seeing him getting screwed by someone else and it felt dirty to me. I just don't think threesomes are a good idea for most people in a relationship, especially if they had never had this kind of sexual openess of experimentation in the relationship. It opens a pandora's box that can never be closed. In a relationship we will stil be sexually attracted to other people, whether they be the same gender or the opposite gender. This sexual attraction and curiousity does not justify the to act on these sexual impulses, in my mind. That is just part of sexuailty as a human, and being in a healthy, mature, committed relationship. I hope this helped shed some light on your dilema!

~Marcel

katyg · 04-22-2007, 07:58 AM

I simply just don't believe it's worth all the possible heartbreak and hassle for some sexual exploration. I would keep it as fantasy.

Psycho Dad · 04-22-2007, 10:24 AM

Excuse me for asking, but lurkette now that it has been so long since this was originally posted, do you mind sharing how things worked out? Twenty years ago, my wife and I discussed these very things and after a while, even the discussion of it became a difficult situation. This got pushed back beyond the "leave fantasy to fantasy" point to the "never discuss it again point".

I'd be interested in seeing if this worked out, if not how did it get handled? I take it you and ratbastid are still very much together and so either it worked, it didn't and you overcame any difficulties from it or you let it go. I think it intersting too how things may have went with the friend's relationship with you. For my wife and I, were we to do this I think we would have rather had a close enough friend to do it with, yet we would have been just as concerned with the dynamics of that relationship as ours.

abaya · 04-22-2007, 10:33 AM

As far as I know, the Lurkbastids are one of the VERY few couples on this thread who have brought other people into their relationships and MADE IT WORK (in the last four years since this thread was started, I assume!). I admire them a great deal for that. Seems like everyone else who tried it, ended up talking about divorce at one point or another... at least, in the last couple of years. So I've just been consistently impressed with the Lurkbastids and look forward to hearing more about how they keep making things work.

StellaLuna · 04-22-2007, 01:51 PM

Not lurkette, but I think I can say that it's working quite nicely, actually. I'm not the "dilemma" in the OP from oh-so-long-ago, but from this chick's point of view things are going very well. I love my people.

Charlatan · 04-22-2007, 02:44 PM

Wow talk about thread resurrection.

This is a pretty cool chunk of TFP history right here.

abaya · 04-22-2007, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StellaLuna

Not lurkette, but I think I can say that it's working quite nicely, actually. I'm not the "dilemma" in the OP from oh-so-long-ago, but from this chick's point of view things are going very well. I love my people.

... so, my husband and I noticed your post, and wondered if we should we call you the Lurkbastlunas now? How about Lurkbastellas? That has a nice ring to it.

Oh, and WELCOME TO TFP!!!

ratbastid · 04-22-2007, 03:14 PM

Wow. THIS is a blast from the past.

Thanks for what you said, abaya. Believe me, it ain't always easy. Though our lovely StellaLuna makes it about as easy is it's able to be.

Some of you followed our drama with the girl from the OP. My conclusion is that some people are just drama. When it got bad with her, lurkette and I would look at each other and roll our eyes and wish we could find someone normal to be weirdos with!

I think Stella might be a little offended if I referred to her as "normal", but she's certainly low-drama. At least, compared to some.

james t kirk · 04-22-2007, 04:49 PM

Most husbands would be cool with thier wives having a little romp with a cute female from time to time. Especially if he could be involved, even as just an observer and it was a sex thing. (Even better if the other woman was predominantly straight and better yet if she was attached.)

But I wonder how many wives would be as comfortable if their husband wanted to hook up with one of his male friends for a round of male / male sex?

Betcha the numbers are quite different in that case.

Deltona Couple · 04-23-2007, 04:41 AM

Lurkette, being someone who has had ALOT of experience in this area(active swinger etc for most of my entire life) here is my ....well I can't say advice, because advice is something you give as a recomendation...but lets say here is my information for you to consider.....

EVERYONE is different. Your husband might react differently than I would, you might respond to the event differently than my wife does, James t kirk might respond differently that your husband....you get my point? EVERYONE has a different reaction based on MANY levels of input. Going into it, one might be all for having fun, then afterward the concerns pop up...I at times think, did she perform orally on my wife better than I can? Will my wife want the other female more than me after?...There are TONS of different emotions that can pop up and leave you and your husband curious.

The best thing that I can say, as MANY others have mentioned is communication. Does it make a difference if it is a 3-some or just you and her hooking up? Yes it does, because opinions and thoughts can differ from situation to situation. NOBODY can predict with ANY certainty what will happen. But you MUST always keep communications open. MANY men's jealousy or concern from another woman being with their wife is if the girl can do it better than he can. To be honest, the answer is most likely "yes". Face it, a woman knows EXACTLY what feels good on another woman. Should the husband be jealous? no. Consider it as a learning experience. I for one LOVE someone else doing things to my wife that feel good, because it helps me to learn new things to bring even more pleasure to my wife. I consider it a learning experience. She tells me what felt good, and I try to emulate it. Eventually I learn all the good stuff!

The biggest thing I have ALWAYS stated when in discussions such as this is.... Can you and your husband separate SEX from EMOTION? I define it like this... I "make love" to my wife, and "have sex" with the other woman. That is a VERY important part for someone who is experimenting with this type of thing. Now I am ASSUMING that you are looking for the experience, and NOT the emotion...otherwise this might be considered a polygamous type of relationship.

Now you have mentioned that it will be a 3-some with you and your husband and this woman, but she is married. make ABSOLUTELY SURE that this is also ok with HER husband. Otherwise your "friendship" with the other couple will OBVIOUSLY be strained.
So here is my take on your questions:
what if this changes our friendship? my friendship with her husband?
face the fact that this WILL change your friendship. It may be good, it may be bad, but there is no possible way that it will NOT effect your friendship. Consider what changes it will make...good or bad, and can you BOTH handle it. It is not just YOUR side of the friendship that will be effected.

what if this changes Ratbastid's friendship with her/her husband?
Same answer as above.

what if this changes our marriage? will things ever be the same? will this make us closer, just another experience, or will it create tension and emotional stress?
Only YOU can answer that. yes it will change things, which way it changes will depend on your relationship and NOBODY can tell you how it will effect you for SURE, except yourselves.

is it safe (STD-wise)? I'd gotten used to not having to worry about that. how will I act when she's around with our other friends who DON'T know I'm bi? (Only my husband, my mom and my sister know). Will I have to be out? Will I be able to live with myself if I'm not?
STD-wise, Obviously it depends on the other person. Do you trust them totally 110%? The risk of STDs are ALWAYS there. and you must look at it from a personal opinion position. If you were single, would you allow this to happen without protection? If you have even the SLIGHTEST doubt, then I say use protection (personally I would suggest using protection PERIOD outside the marriage).
How will you act around her? DISCUSS it with her beforehand. If you don't want others to know, make sure EVERYONE knows this ahead of time before ANYTHING happens. Will you have to be "out"? not unless YOU want to be.

Well that is my $.02 worth. hope things work out for you both. and above all have FUN and be SAFE!

abaya · 04-23-2007, 05:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by james t kirk

But I wonder how many wives would be as comfortable if their husband wanted to hook up with one of his male friends for a round of male / male sex?

As a woman, I would actually be much more comfortable sharing my husband with another man, than with another woman. I feel quite fine about the idea of him exploring his sexuality with another man, simply because a man can offer him things that I cannot, just as a woman could offer me things that my husband cannot. As a general rule, if we were ever going to explore bringing another person into our bed, I would like it to be FF-M (woman with me) or MM-F (man with him). I don't want to be with another man, and I wouldn't feel good about him being with another woman.

lurkette · 04-23-2007, 05:47 AM

Oh.
My.
God.

Four years!?!

Well, as most of you know, we went for it. We embarked on a several-year relationship (well, "relationship") with this other couple. And it was fairly intense, and, as ratbastid has mentioned, HIGH drama. D, my former umfriend, was never really willing to commit to anything, and her husband, S, was never really involved the way he wanted. In the end it just wasn't working and we pulled the plug.

HOWEVER.

We remain good friends with them, and we learned a whole lot about ourselves and our marriage. It was truly a crucible in which we defined ourselves. I think our marriage has gotten stronger, and we've both let go of a lot of insecurity and jealousy that would have strangled things. I think the relationship was the most transformative process I've ever been through, but it was because I used it that way. If there was a habit I didn't like in myself, or an emotion that was not useful (feeling unlovable or not being able to see my own beauty), I hunted down the origin of it relentlessly and ripped that fucker out. In the end, what's left is a stronger, more confident lurkette who knows who she is.

And who I am is bisexual. No more dilemma, it's decided. I need a relationship with a woman. Not like "I'll die if I don't have it" need, but a part of me would be shut off without it. Enter stellaluna

, on cue like an answer to a prayer. She's going to blush about it, I'm sure, but she's the most beautiful, kind, caring, sexy woman and she just fits us both. And we're totally blissed out. We've not only made it work, we've made it thrive. I used to look at Art's threesome wistfully...I'm glad I held onto that and didn't sell out for a tepid if occasionally intense relationship that didn't work, or just give up altogether and let monogamy take its course.

So thank you, all, for your advice (past and present). And let me concur that communication is essential, and utmost honesty with yourself and your partners is essential. And thanks to whoever bumped this so I could see where I was 4 years ago. Damn, I've come a long way.

I'm curious if there are other truly polyamorous people out there (we don't have an open marriage, exactly), and how you've found it works for you?

Deltona Couple · 04-23-2007, 06:17 AM

I am VERY happy that things worked out for you. I guess if I had paid attention the the OP date I might have realized my opinion was a little late...lol. Glad that things eventually worked out for you as they have! Congragulations and have FUN!

Daniel_ · 04-23-2007, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lurkette

I think the relationship was the most transformative process I've ever been through, but it was because I used it that way. If there was a habit I didn't like in myself, or an emotion that was not useful (feeling unlovable or not being able to see my own beauty), I hunted down the origin of it relentlessly and ripped that fucker out. In the end, what's left is a stronger, more confident lurkette who knows who she is.

This is brilliant.

Regardless of whether it comes through concerns over your bisexuality, or through personal trauma or some other journey of self-discovery this quest for self-knowlege and acceptance is never wasted.

Ourcrazymodern? · 05-08-2007, 07:51 AM

When my boyfriend realized I was available, he asked, "Does this mean we can have a relationship now?" Since it had been several years all I could come up with was "I thought we already did."
Ah, the vagaries of life. My most positive thought go with the experimenters.
You never know until you try, after all. Love you.

elsesomebody · 08-27-2008, 07:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

As a woman, I would actually be much more comfortable sharing my husband with another man, than with another woman. I feel quite fine about the idea of him exploring his sexuality with another man, simply because a man can offer him things that I cannot, just as a woman could offer me things that my husband cannot. As a general rule, if we were ever going to explore bringing another person into our bed, I would like it to be FF-M (woman with me) or MM-F (man with him). I don't want to be with another man, and I wouldn't feel good about him being with another woman.

Similar but different than your point, and probably off-topic: I've thought before that if i was ever in a position where I was forced to have sex (something I don't consider to be realistic, but just if), and I had a choice between a man and a woman, I would feel less guilty about having sex with the man (as a male myself), because I would get much less, if any pleasure, out of it.

curiousbear · 08-27-2008, 12:21 PM

I am straight. But very curious about bigirls. One of my recent fantasy is my gf being bisexual with a close friend. Not any particular friend, but some one whom she can trust and enjoy. Or some stranger new friend who is hot to turn her on. How ever it would upset me if they run in to a RELATIONSHIP that gets more priority. I am not keen about touching or anything with the other girl thou. But we cannot make this move with any of our friends...

07-12-2003, 11:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Bisexual dilemma So, I've been pretty sure since I was about 14 that I am bisexual. I am very attracted to women, but I've never done anything about it besides fantasize. And now I have the opportunity to do something about it and I'm scared shitless and don't know what to do. I'm married (to Ratbastid, hi hon) and we've been together for 12 years, married for 8. He knows of my sexual tendencies and we get a kick out of the fantasy aspect of it. It's not that I don't want to be with women, it's that before I met him, I was still technically a virgin and had only ever fooled around with 2 other men, and had never had the opportunity to be with a woman. After we started dating and got serious, I thought about it but ran into a lot of the same problems I'm having now. Read on. Ratbastid and I have a friend who is bisexual, also married, but they have a more or less open marriage. She's said she's attracted to me, and I know she's free to act on that attraction, and with Ratbastid's permission (granted already), so am I. BUT... what if this changes our friendship? my friendship with her husband? what if this changes Ratbastid's friendship with her/her husband? what if this changes our marriage? will things ever be the same? will this make us closer, just another experience, or will it create tension and emotional stress? is it safe (STD-wise)? I'd gotten used to not having to worry about that. how will I act when she's around with our other friends who DON'T know I'm bi? (Only my husband, my mom and my sister know). Will I have to be out? Will I be able to live with myself if I'm not? Argh!!! What should I do? The default, of course, is to do nothing, and to leave this aspect of my sexuality unexplored. I've lived with it this long. But that feels, somehow, like a cop-out. Do I do the "safe" thing - physically, emotionally - or do I take a chance and grow, whether the consequences are good or bad? __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-12-2003, 12:57 PM	#3 (permalink)
Donkeypuncher Psycho Location: Pasadena, CA	As with all things involving another person, talk to her about it. Express your concerns. Go over all of it with your husband, too. Even if you do all that, things might get weird afterwards, but if you've talked it out and everyone's ok beforehand, the likelihood is pretty low that it'll really go south. If anything feels funny afterwards, just say so and don't do it again - no harm, no foul. Of course it'll change relationships. All experiences that we share with someone else, by nature, do that. That said, it doesn't have to be a bad change. Maybe it doesn't work out for whatever reason, but if we're all adults here, it doesn't mean you can't look each other in the eye later, or even laugh about it. ("hey, remember that time I ate you out? How weird was THAT?? haha") I think most of us have ex's in our lives and it doesn't have to be weird at all... it's just a shared history. Will you have to be "out"? That's entirely up to you and those concerns should be expressed beforehand as well. Above all, have fun. =) __________________ "take me down, little Susie, take me down I know you think you're the Queen of The Underground" Last edited by Donkeypuncher; 07-14-2003 at 11:37 AM..

07-12-2003, 01:03 PM	#4 (permalink)
Lebell Cracking the Whip Location: Sexymama's arms...	Well, I know people who have open marriages that work, I also know people who have tried it and it ruined them. The difference? Communication Communication Communication along with emotional stability. I think your first step is to sit down with ratbastid and talk about all these very real concerns, what you expect and what he expects. Where are the limits? And yes, ask yourselves honestly, can this be done without emotions and other expectations developing? If you want to procede, then you have to talk to your friend and ask the same hard questions and lay out exactly what you two are wanting from this, how will things be after, etc. From the sound of it, perhaps the four of you should get together and have a frank and honest discussion. IF and ONLY IF you can do these things and feel positive, do I recommend proceding with this. __________________ "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU! Please Donate!

07-12-2003, 01:03 PM	#5 (permalink)
isandro Crazy Location: Groningen, Netherlands	Yup, Ganguro's got a point- are you clear on what you expect from it? Do you think you might 'switch' completely to being a lesbian? Would you say your attraction is mostly physical or emotional? Would it feel like cheating? I couldn't tell you how it would affect all the relationships you describe- mostly because I know next to nothing about you or those relationships. I do think it will cause some stress. You seem very concerned with the possible consequences, so you'll worry alot Rule number one is to keep communicating If she has an open marriage, she might have (had) several sexual relationships [who also have several] and then there's no telling how safe things are. However, if her husband is healthy... Anyway, it all comes down to trust, I guess. How would you feel if you'd just cuddle with her, both fully dressed. Something on the edge of your comfort zone, but not beyond it. Just take it one small step at a time, that way you'll all have time to catch up with your emotions. It does sound pretty exciting though, I hope you're enjoying it atleast a little bit __________________ -Life, liberty and the pursuit of hamburgers.

07-12-2003, 01:47 PM	#7 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	It's not whether you are in a open relationship or not. It's not whether it's a man or a woman. It's about whether your relationship can withstand the emotions that are going to come up sooner or later. And remember fantasies do not equal reality. Think about the consequences, and consider all the angles. It's not good or bad, just another aspect. People are complicated. I wish you well, just keep talking, loving, and enjoy. Last edited by rogue49; 07-12-2003 at 01:49 PM..

07-12-2003, 12:38 PM	#2 (permalink)
Ganguro Army of Me	well i can somewhat relate to your feelings. The safe thing would be to not act upon your desires and keep on truckin', but that might not be what you want to hear. Being phyiscally attracted to someone is something you cant avoid, but you have to choose if you want to jeopardaize a friendhsip, or compromise your relationship to satisfy an inquiry. You dont want a relationship with this other woman, but you just want to see what it's like right? Is that worth changing your life for? Only you can make that call despite what anyone tells you. only you. Good Luck

07-12-2003, 01:08 PM	#6 (permalink)
LittleOralAnnie Banned	I think it would be best to not act but to remain faithful to your husband. Maybe you could be one of the lucky ones, but I have seen a few friends relationships and friendships get destroyed because they acted upon impulse and decided to experiment and open up their marriages to others. Marriage should be shared between two people only and there are many ways to explore and experiment with each other that would be just as fully satisfying as it would be to bring someone else into the relationship. Most often I've seen the resentment and bitterness that comes from this. Everything starts out fine, everyone is willing to try this out but then someone always ends up getting hurt, jealous or angry. IMHO, it wouldn't be worth risking such a long marriage over one fantasy. In the end though, it's totally up to you what road you will choose. Good luck with the decision you make.

07-12-2003, 02:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
ssander9 Amplitude Modulator Location: US	My wife and I have an honest relationship, good communications and always get along well together. That being said.. It did not hurt our relationship at all, in fact may have enhanced it a little. You must be sure: 1. Whoever you are with does not fall in love with you and understands it is only when you and your husband agree to it. In other words, don't run over to her house because your husband isn't home and your horny. 2. All parties involved know it is not a permanent situation and a sex free for all anytime they want it. 3. The rules of the game must be laid out with ALL involved before anything gets started! __________________ I never said you had to.

07-14-2003, 11:02 AM	#9 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Does anybody's answer change if this becomes a threesome situation, instead of me and my girlfriend? __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-14-2003, 11:09 AM	#10 (permalink)
smithja0423 Guest	My girlfriend is extremely attracted to women, but won't act on her urges out of loyalty to me. I really don't know how i'd handle it, but it sucks knowing that a part of her his unhappy. If you find a resolution to your situation that is amicable to all, i'd love to hear it.

07-14-2003, 12:15 PM	#13 (permalink)
Fallon Junkie Location: RI	I, personally would love to hear that my fiancee had the chance to explore her bisexual side, but reality would set in that there would be resentment in the future if she actually did it. I know from experience in being put into a foursome with her and another couple, there was resentment and shock, and a multitude of other things. The thing that held us together though, was our communication. Sure it sucked at that point, but it got a lot better afterward. If you and your husband both agree that you two are totally commited to each other and you both know that this won't be a regular thing then I'd say think about it a bit more and talk about it some more. Voice your concerns with him about it and ask him honostly what his are. Good luck from my fiancee and I.

07-14-2003, 12:39 PM	#15 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	same answer.

07-14-2003, 12:58 PM	#16 (permalink)
BigJayz Crazy Location: Sunny So. Cal.	I feel that as long as you have good open lines of communication with all involved it could be an extremely wonderful gratifying experience. Just let all the people involved know your concerns about damaging friendships and relationships and let them know that above all else, the relationships you have are the most important thing and if things feel wierd or akward that you have to let eachother know. If you do this I think that even if you feel akward you can preserve the relationships. Just like they say in Vegas.... "what happens here, stays here", if later you all feel comfortable enough, then you can let it be known. I say go for it and have fun!

07-14-2003, 01:54 PM	#17 (permalink)
Leviathan[NCV] Well... Location: afk	Tom Leykis would say no, and he's got a good points around it, though I would be more worried if it was going to be a threesome. It can just ruin a good relationship Leviathan

07-14-2003, 07:48 PM	#20 (permalink)
Double D Junkie Location: Chicagoland	I can't add anything to the compassionate replies/suggestions you've received here, lurkette, but just one bit of caution. Usually, when something really big and life changing happens, we should hold off for a while before we make really big decisions, like buying a house, changing jobs or...trying bisexuality. As you recently lost your dear brother, I would wait a bit longer to heal before I opened myself up to a potentially emotionally loaded situation. Last edited by Double D; 07-15-2003 at 12:57 PM..

07-15-2003, 12:47 PM	#21 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	"I think your first step is to sit down with ratbastid and talk about all these very real concerns, what you expect and what he expects. Where are the limits? " Very good advice. Communication and making sure you both know your limits and expectations are best to ensure a successful adventure. Dei37 and I have tried swapping with other couples. I would say that whole thing has strengthed us rather than hurt us. We were pretty dedicated to each other to begin with. It did bring up some issues probably sooner than they would have come up otherwise but maybe that was better in that they didn't get to be big problems before we solved them. When I first expeienced a woman it was a powerful experience. There is no way to understand the way it feels. If you are already friends with this woman that may make it easier. Also We have met one couple that we swapped with. Since then we have not done anything sexually but we see then a couple times a week and there is no tension. We are free to flirt and know there is no pressure. This could simply be a way to open up your friendships and feel more relaxed. I'll admit the first time we swapped and then later met the couple in the mall it was a strange feeling thinking - "Man! I fucked with this couple!" That wears off fast and after that things are just fun and exciting. Whatever you do be completely open and honest about things and COMMUNICATE. If you know your bounderies and where everyone stands you'll be fine. Good Luck __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

07-15-2003, 10:56 PM	#22 (permalink)
bovik Upright	You might also want to take a look at the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory, which is about open relationships and closed relationships between more than two people. It's a fairly high-traffic place, with lots of resources available and personal experiences to read.

07-15-2003, 11:51 PM	#23 (permalink)
acostello Crazy	Seriously, dialogue and communications can help iron out the complex feelings -- Nothing wrong with having an alternative lifestyle.

04-22-2007, 07:14 AM	#24 (permalink)
ElementXY Upright	my pov Hi! I just came across a thread liek this on another site and replied to it and would say the same thing here so I'm going to post my reply from the other site onto here as well. I just came across this topic when doing a search and wanted to give you my perspective. I'm not married and can't say I fully understand that depth of commitment yet as not having reached that point in my life yet. I can tell you a little about my experience though. I'm a 24 year old gay/bi guy, meaning I am emotionally and sexually attracted to men mostly, and rarely attracted to the occasional woman. Five years ago when I was just beginning my first male/male relationship I was in a place in my life where I was very curious about a lot of things and arrogantly thought I was very open minded about sex. I had little qualms about sex as long as it did not hurt another person. I was very much in love with my boyfriend and we were together for a year or so. I wanted badly to experiment and have a threesome, mainly out of curiousity and horniness. I was a little worried about the idea of "sharing" my bf with someone else and I feared jealousy about seeing him sexually with another guy but my intense curiosity got the better of me. We did end up having a threesome, we actually tried it a couple times. Each time when we were finished we both had a real intense feeling of guilt. I'm not sure if this is because of our own backgrounds. I was brought up very Christian and struggled for along time with my sexuality and sex outside of marriage in general. Regardless it just didn't feel right, so we did not have any more threesomes, but something in our relationship was lost. The intimacy we had before was just not there anymore and there was almost a sense of mistrust or doubt in the depth our love for eachother. It was just a nagging feeling, but things were not the same for us anymore. On a side note, I found out when we broke up a year later, that he ended up meeting the other guy and had sex with him privately, without me. It was an awful feeling,because his primary objection to a threesome was that he was afraid I'd want to go have sex with the guy or develop feeling for the other guy, and it turned out that was the problem he ended up having, not me. I had assured him that the only reason I wanted a threesome was because I wanted to share another person physically with him. It was not just because I was horny and wanted an excuse to screw someone else. Anyway, to make a long story short, I realized that I could never have a threesome again if I was in a relationship because it caused something to shift and change and the dynamic we had was never the same again. I grew jealous even though I was sure I would not, and I had these awful memories of seeing him getting screwed by someone else and it felt dirty to me. I just don't think threesomes are a good idea for most people in a relationship, especially if they had never had this kind of sexual openess of experimentation in the relationship. It opens a pandora's box that can never be closed. In a relationship we will stil be sexually attracted to other people, whether they be the same gender or the opposite gender. This sexual attraction and curiousity does not justify the to act on these sexual impulses, in my mind. That is just part of sexuailty as a human, and being in a healthy, mature, committed relationship. I hope this helped shed some light on your dilema! ~Marcel

04-22-2007, 07:58 AM	#25 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	I simply just don't believe it's worth all the possible heartbreak and hassle for some sexual exploration. I would keep it as fantasy.

04-22-2007, 10:24 AM	#26 (permalink)
Psycho Dad Mulletproof Location: Some nucking fut house.	Excuse me for asking, but lurkette now that it has been so long since this was originally posted, do you mind sharing how things worked out? Twenty years ago, my wife and I discussed these very things and after a while, even the discussion of it became a difficult situation. This got pushed back beyond the "leave fantasy to fantasy" point to the "never discuss it again point". I'd be interested in seeing if this worked out, if not how did it get handled? I take it you and ratbastid are still very much together and so either it worked, it didn't and you overcame any difficulties from it or you let it go. I think it intersting too how things may have went with the friend's relationship with you. For my wife and I, were we to do this I think we would have rather had a close enough friend to do it with, yet we would have been just as concerned with the dynamics of that relationship as ours. __________________ Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

04-22-2007, 10:33 AM	#27 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	As far as I know, the Lurkbastids are one of the VERY few couples on this thread who have brought other people into their relationships and MADE IT WORK (in the last four years since this thread was started, I assume!). I admire them a great deal for that. Seems like everyone else who tried it, ended up talking about divorce at one point or another... at least, in the last couple of years. So I've just been consistently impressed with the Lurkbastids and look forward to hearing more about how they keep making things work. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

04-22-2007, 01:51 PM	#28 (permalink)
StellaLuna Psycho Location: hiding behind wings	Not lurkette, but I think I can say that it's working quite nicely, actually. I'm not the "dilemma" in the OP from oh-so-long-ago, but from this chick's point of view things are going very well. I love my people.

04-22-2007, 02:44 PM	#29 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	Wow talk about thread resurrection. This is a pretty cool chunk of TFP history right here. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

04-22-2007, 03:14 PM	#31 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Wow. THIS is a blast from the past. Thanks for what you said, abaya. Believe me, it ain't always easy. Though our lovely StellaLuna makes it about as easy is it's able to be. Some of you followed our drama with the girl from the OP. My conclusion is that some people are just drama. When it got bad with her, lurkette and I would look at each other and roll our eyes and wish we could find someone normal to be weirdos with! I think Stella might be a little offended if I referred to her as "normal", but she's certainly low-drama. At least, compared to some.

04-22-2007, 04:49 PM	#32 (permalink)
james t kirk Junkie Location: Toronto	Most husbands would be cool with thier wives having a little romp with a cute female from time to time. Especially if he could be involved, even as just an observer and it was a sex thing. (Even better if the other woman was predominantly straight and better yet if she was attached.) But I wonder how many wives would be as comfortable if their husband wanted to hook up with one of his male friends for a round of male / male sex? Betcha the numbers are quite different in that case.

04-23-2007, 04:41 AM	#33 (permalink)
Deltona Couple Addict Location: Spring, Texas	Lurkette, being someone who has had ALOT of experience in this area(active swinger etc for most of my entire life) here is my ....well I can't say advice, because advice is something you give as a recomendation...but lets say here is my information for you to consider..... EVERYONE is different. Your husband might react differently than I would, you might respond to the event differently than my wife does, James t kirk might respond differently that your husband....you get my point? EVERYONE has a different reaction based on MANY levels of input. Going into it, one might be all for having fun, then afterward the concerns pop up...I at times think, did she perform orally on my wife better than I can? Will my wife want the other female more than me after?...There are TONS of different emotions that can pop up and leave you and your husband curious. The best thing that I can say, as MANY others have mentioned is communication. Does it make a difference if it is a 3-some or just you and her hooking up? Yes it does, because opinions and thoughts can differ from situation to situation. NOBODY can predict with ANY certainty what will happen. But you MUST always keep communications open. MANY men's jealousy or concern from another woman being with their wife is if the girl can do it better than he can. To be honest, the answer is most likely "yes". Face it, a woman knows EXACTLY what feels good on another woman. Should the husband be jealous? no. Consider it as a learning experience. I for one LOVE someone else doing things to my wife that feel good, because it helps me to learn new things to bring even more pleasure to my wife. I consider it a learning experience. She tells me what felt good, and I try to emulate it. Eventually I learn all the good stuff! The biggest thing I have ALWAYS stated when in discussions such as this is.... Can you and your husband separate SEX from EMOTION? I define it like this... I "make love" to my wife, and "have sex" with the other woman. That is a VERY important part for someone who is experimenting with this type of thing. Now I am ASSUMING that you are looking for the experience, and NOT the emotion...otherwise this might be considered a polygamous type of relationship. Now you have mentioned that it will be a 3-some with you and your husband and this woman, but she is married. make ABSOLUTELY SURE that this is also ok with HER husband. Otherwise your "friendship" with the other couple will OBVIOUSLY be strained. So here is my take on your questions: what if this changes our friendship? my friendship with her husband? face the fact that this WILL change your friendship. It may be good, it may be bad, but there is no possible way that it will NOT effect your friendship. Consider what changes it will make...good or bad, and can you BOTH handle it. It is not just YOUR side of the friendship that will be effected. what if this changes Ratbastid's friendship with her/her husband? Same answer as above. what if this changes our marriage? will things ever be the same? will this make us closer, just another experience, or will it create tension and emotional stress? Only YOU can answer that. yes it will change things, which way it changes will depend on your relationship and NOBODY can tell you how it will effect you for SURE, except yourselves. is it safe (STD-wise)? I'd gotten used to not having to worry about that. how will I act when she's around with our other friends who DON'T know I'm bi? (Only my husband, my mom and my sister know). Will I have to be out? Will I be able to live with myself if I'm not? STD-wise, Obviously it depends on the other person. Do you trust them totally 110%? The risk of STDs are ALWAYS there. and you must look at it from a personal opinion position. If you were single, would you allow this to happen without protection? If you have even the SLIGHTEST doubt, then I say use protection (personally I would suggest using protection PERIOD outside the marriage). How will you act around her? DISCUSS it with her beforehand. If you don't want others to know, make sure EVERYONE knows this ahead of time before ANYTHING happens. Will you have to be "out"? not unless YOU want to be. Well that is my $.02 worth. hope things work out for you both. and above all have FUN and be SAFE! __________________ "It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

04-23-2007, 05:47 AM	#35 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Oh. My. God. Four years!?! Well, as most of you know, we went for it. We embarked on a several-year relationship (well, "relationship") with this other couple. And it was fairly intense, and, as ratbastid has mentioned, HIGH drama. D, my former umfriend, was never really willing to commit to anything, and her husband, S, was never really involved the way he wanted. In the end it just wasn't working and we pulled the plug. HOWEVER. We remain good friends with them, and we learned a whole lot about ourselves and our marriage. It was truly a crucible in which we defined ourselves. I think our marriage has gotten stronger, and we've both let go of a lot of insecurity and jealousy that would have strangled things. I think the relationship was the most transformative process I've ever been through, but it was because I used it that way. If there was a habit I didn't like in myself, or an emotion that was not useful (feeling unlovable or not being able to see my own beauty), I hunted down the origin of it relentlessly and ripped that fucker out. In the end, what's left is a stronger, more confident lurkette who knows who she is. And who I am is bisexual. No more dilemma, it's decided. I need a relationship with a woman. Not like "I'll die if I don't have it" need, but a part of me would be shut off without it. Enter stellaluna , on cue like an answer to a prayer. She's going to blush about it, I'm sure, but she's the most beautiful, kind, caring, sexy woman and she just fits us both. And we're totally blissed out. We've not only made it work, we've made it thrive. I used to look at Art's threesome wistfully...I'm glad I held onto that and didn't sell out for a tepid if occasionally intense relationship that didn't work, or just give up altogether and let monogamy take its course. So thank you, all, for your advice (past and present). And let me concur that communication is essential, and utmost honesty with yourself and your partners is essential. And thanks to whoever bumped this so I could see where I was 4 years ago. Damn, I've come a long way. I'm curious if there are other truly polyamorous people out there (we don't have an open marriage, exactly), and how you've found it works for you? __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

04-23-2007, 06:17 AM	#36 (permalink)
Deltona Couple Addict Location: Spring, Texas	I am VERY happy that things worked out for you. I guess if I had paid attention the the OP date I might have realized my opinion was a little late...lol. Glad that things eventually worked out for you as they have! Congragulations and have FUN! __________________ "It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

05-08-2007, 07:51 AM	#38 (permalink)
Ourcrazymodern? still, wondering. Location: South Minneapolis, somewhere near the gorgeous gorge	When my boyfriend realized I was available, he asked, "Does this mean we can have a relationship now?" Since it had been several years all I could come up with was "I thought we already did." Ah, the vagaries of life. My most positive thought go with the experimenters. You never know until you try, after all. Love you. __________________ BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

08-27-2008, 12:21 PM	#40 (permalink)
curiousbear Addict Location: WA	I am straight. But very curious about bigirls. One of my recent fantasy is my gf being bisexual with a close friend. Not any particular friend, but some one whom she can trust and enjoy. Or some stranger new friend who is hot to turn her on. How ever it would upset me if they run in to a RELATIONSHIP that gets more priority. I am not keen about touching or anything with the other girl thou. But we cannot make this move with any of our friends...