Anonymous Member

I'm a guy, in my late 20s. I met my girlfriend (same age) about eighteen months ago and during our initial talks about sex, likes, preferences, etc., she asked me how I feel about oral sex. Some people are uncomfortable with oral sex, find it gross, are self conscious, etc. Neither of us had any hangups about it, she seemed excited as her last boyfriend didn't like giving oral, so everything looked great.

Now I've only had a few partners, two of whom were too self conscious about their bodies and didn't like oral sex at all. I was young and happy to be having sex so no problem there. My longer term partner was happy to receive oral as foreplay and occasionally requested it, but mainly intercourse was our thing.

Anyway, so with my current girlfriend, during the first few months I would occasionally go down on her, we'd be in a 69 position, etc., and things were fine but she would quickly move to intercourse. After few months of that I just stopped going down on her because I began to feel like I was just no good at it, and she was gently allowing me to 'get out of it'. She had (and still has) no problem going down on me.

More recently when I've made moves to go down on her, or asked if she would like me to, she says sexy things like "I'd rather have you inside me!". Other times she would say that she hasn't showered, and basically doesn't feel fresh enough, or that it's a bit sensitive, or that it takes a LONG time for her to orgasm from oral. I've offered to take her advice, or just do it for a few minutes as foreplay, but she'd rather just have sex. (And the sex is great, I should add!)

I have tried to talk to her a few times about it, and each time it's something around not feeling fresh, being too sensitive, taking too long, would rather have me inside her, etc.

Here's where I'd like some advice. I don't know what to believe.

Am I just terrible at giving oral sex? She says I'm not, but she doesn't ever want it - despite initially (when we first started having sex) being really excited to hear that I'm into it, she now doesn't want it.

Is this something that I should keep bringing up? I'd love to have a honest, adult conversation about it, and either have her either teach me what she likes, or perhaps just be totally honest, 'admit' that I suck at it, and that she doesn't need it, and just move on from there, without any deception.

But I don't want to keep raising the issue because I feel like I'm pressuring her to basically engage in a sex act that she doesn't want. It feels selfish to ask her to talk about this, considering she's stated she doesn't want it (for various reasons) and it now seems like it's more for my enjoyment than hers. Oral (well, any sex really) should be fun for both people.

Am I am ass for not really believing her when she says it's too sensitive, not fresh, takes too long, etc? I guess if it were me, I'd say 'Hold that thought, I'll jump in the shower' if i wasn't feeling clean and wanted oral.

Cliff notes:

I feel like I'm terrible at giving my girlfriend oral sex, and that she's just saying things to make me not feel bad, but it's making me feel bad.

Sorry for the massive wall of text.

RogueGypsy

Don't sweat it. Some like it some don't. If she is too sensitive and you're hammering her clit with tongue, that would be uncomfortable. Freshness, yeah ladies worry about that.

If you think it's a matter of technique........

Always shave your face clean before going down. Whiskers are like sand paper and that's no good in sensitive areas. Although I've met a couple who dig it, most don't.
Take your time. Start with her lips then move down to the neck and chest, caress, lick, suck and kiss everything from the lips down. The elbows and backs of the knees are good spots too. Don't forget about your hands, caress everything you can reach paying more attention to areas that make her moan or writhe. Once you get there pay attention to the surrounding areas before going straight for the button. The more you tease, the hotter she'll get. Start out gentle and only apply more pressure if she's pushing against you or writhing and moaning. Don't go in like it's a race. Slow and easy until she signals otherwise. That could be anything from writhing and moaning to grabbing you by the ears and putting you in a head lock.
Pay attention to the area between the clit and the vaginal opening, pay a lot of attention to this area.
Belly button to butthole and the insides of both legs, lick, kiss and suck, even a little chewing can be good.
Follow her lead. If she's just laying there still and quiet, it's not working for her. Move around and explore. If she's moving her hips around stay were you are, she's trying to put herself were she needs to be. Once she stops moving, work it.
Keep your mouth wet and use your lips too.
If your not sure what to do with your tongue, try licking the alphabet. It'll keep your tongue from focusing on one spot too long and you should be able to tell from her reaction which areas she likes best.
Don't forget your fingers, penetration during oral drives most women over the edge quick. Using you index and middle fingers massage the roof of her vagina (just inside, behind the clit). If none of this works, it's probably not an issue with technique. But bear in mind, everyone is different. Some women just don't orgasm from clitoral stimulation, just as others don't from penetration.

Remember 3 words: wet, wet, wet! Wet is your friend. Dry = uncomfortable.

And remember to more around, doing anything too long is just annoying and will kill the mood quick. If she quits responding, move on.

But, all of that is useless if she's uncomfortable. Maybe letting her know how much you enjoy giving oral and asking if there is anything you can do differently. Let her know she's clean and tastes good. Avoid the clit if she's too sensitive. Alleviate her concerns and build her confidence. Let her know how beautiful she is and how much you enjoy her.

Sometimes the best thing your tongue can do is talk.

You're right not to push her, if she doesn't like it, so be it.

I'm sure some ladies will chime in with some ideas and a different view point.

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freeload

I had a co-worker at my previous location who didn't enjoy oral sex. She was hot and highly sexual - but oral didn't do anything for her. She had no problems giving oral, and really enjoyed the fucking part.

Before I met her I was under the impression that all girls love oral.

(For clarification: We where just very good friends who both enjoyed discussing our sex life - not lovers )

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Anonymous Member

Thanks to the both of you. And thank you for your hints on oral sex, I'd love to be able to put them into practice if I could.

There's just something about the disconnect between her initial, total enthusiasm and then her quick rejection of it a few instances later that makes me think she's telling me little while lies to bypass the whole issue.

She definitely gets off on clitoral stimulation, as one of us will usually rub her clit during sex or as foreplay and she loves that, even quite roughly. Direct stimulation is no issue. And I can rule out her being (for want of a better word, sorry) 'prudish' - we've dabbled in dressing up, toys, outdoor sex, anal sex, some light bondage, etc. She's really not shy, conservative, ashamed, nothing like that.

And of course, she liked the idea of oral when we were at that beginning stage.

We have no problems communicating our likes and dislikes, being open and honest with all manner of things, including kinks. But I just can't help but think that she is trying to spare my feelings.

If I bring up the topic again, after having done so a few times and her assuring me that it's just not her thing, the implication will be that I am accusing her of lying, and that's a terribly confrontational thing to do, but the reality is... I am convinced/have convinced myself that she's just trying to spare my feelings.

amonkie

This makes me ask.. had she actually even had oral sex before you two got together? The idea of oral and actually receiving oral are totally different things.

It sounds hot when you hear that other people get off from it, who wouldn't want to have something that feels good. But, she's maybe found out that it doesn't work for her.

It's now become a trust issue. You can either keep nagging her about it and tearing yourself up, or you can trust what she's saying and blow her out of her mind in all the other areas she DOES enjoy.

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The_Jazz

As I undertand it, your questions are "what changed? and why?"

Honestly, we could guess, but the only way you're ever going to know is to ask. At the end of the day, you need to figure out how important performing oral on her is to YOU. If it's something you really want to do and do well, then you're just going to have to tell her and ask for her help.

As Amonkie said, it's entirely possible that she hadn't had much/any oral before you two got together. She could have decided that it's just not her thing. Given all the other stuff that she likes, from my perspective it looks like the burden's now on you to decide how big a deal that is for you.

Personally, I love giving oral, but it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me given all the other stuff that she likes.

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LaLa1

Everyone here has already given you some great advice, from a woman I'd like to offer a couple more points that may be relevant.

First you keep referring to the initial conversation about oral. Could it be that she has an oral fixation and just wanted to make sure you would be comfortable with that? For me, giving head is something I really enjoy. I don't know why, but I do. However, receiving oral... meh, could take it or leave it. And it has absolutely nothing to do with my partner’s technique. When he does go down on me it's great, feels great, I have no complaints. But, it can be frustrating... which brings me to another point you made.

You said she like her clit rubbed "quite roughly"... I would guess regular oral for her is frustrating. There's not a lot of roughness involved with a tongue. For me, receiving oral can sometimes be frustrating, when I get aroused I want action. I want roughness, pinching, pulling, slapping, you get the drift? Sometimes just receiving straight oral makes me want to scream, get to the business already! Additionally, if she's a gusher or a squirter it may make her very uncomfortable for you to have your face down there. She may not be able to relax if she feels like she's going to soak you.

Now if you take into consideration all the points that Roguegypsy (hi baby) made about adding things to it. Play with her with your fingers, massage the area, add pressure, add fingers... yes, he is very correct in the statement of inserting fingers in her while giving oral. It drives some of us crazy! You'll probably receive a better response.

Also, part of it may be that she's a pleaser (like me). She may get off more on getting you off and sitting back and just allowing you to please her may be hard for her. Now, if she feels like it drives you crazy to play with her, she may be more able to relax and let you have your way. Also, if she submissive at heart and doesn't know how to voice that to you it may be that the act of fucking is more to her liking. The dominance that you show during sex may be what gets her off, and just straight oral from a guy isn't very dominant when it feels like it's for her and not for you, if that makes sense to you?

If it's really important to you, if you really really like giving then keep trying. Try different things, add different things to the mix like suggested above. See how she responds. If it's not that important to you, then just give her the things she says she wants and likes.

Cimarron29414

Depending on your ages, she should be willing to engage in a conversation about it and coach you through finding techniques which please her. The added benefit of communication during sex acts will make you better lovers all around, even if the oral doesn't become something she wants to keep on the menu.

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snowy

Some girls just aren't into it. I'm one of them. I like it sometimes, but I'm so sensitive that oral is just overwhelming--it's too much. So it doesn't have to be about your performance, and you shouldn't presume that it is. It is most likely just an issue of preference. It really just may be that she enjoys intercourse more.

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Starkizzer

Just remember, they are her orgasms not yours. Let HER decide how she has them.

If she says she doesn't like it, just listen to her and don't push it. If you push too much, thinking that you are trying to pleasure her, she is going to start feeling alienated.

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curiousbear

This advice applies to me too... Thanks Snowy

ItWasMe

That position can be a hard one to maintain, comfortably. Depending on your height differences and who is on top, neck pain and/or shoulder pain can start and take away from the moment.

It sounds like it was something new, eager to try, but found it didn't work as well for her as other things.

A) sounds like your tongue isn't strong enough or applying enough pressure. she is used to more.

B) is your face clean shaven? if not, to her the feeling can very from sandpaper to being stuck with a needle, depending on the length/strength of facial hair.

C) exhaling excessively from the mouth can cause her to dry out. make sure to turn the fan off during the summer, too.
dry+lick+dry+lick=chapped and uncomfortable.

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tasineah

I personally LOVE LOVE LOVE an unshaven face during oral. I dont like "soft kisses" kinda oral. I want someone who devours me...eats me like they are a starving man at a buffet...I like the stride of the full tongue up and down hard on my river path, as well as the tip of the tongue to tease and tip my clit.

I would be bored to tears if someone gave me "the Carpenter's" type of rhythm instead of "Evanescence -Wake Me Up Inside". If her clit likes rough handling, put on some music that will get you in the right tongue dance mood....

also, if you are feeling insecure about your talents, get some good porn. Visual aids work wonders for some folks. (They do offer workshops in some areas.)

Or get yourself one of those huge multi colored lollipops...seriously....work it in the center until you break through...then do it again and again. and if your face, etc isnt covered in sugary goop from your forehead to your chest hairs, you arent getting it wet enough...

cut the end off a watermelon and work your way threw it...without using your teeth. Just tongue and lips...when you cant go further, cut off more and start over...

strengthen your tongue...get Bit of Honey candy bars....put one piece on the top of your mouth...spend the next two minutes licking it back and forth until it softens and disappears....no chewing..make it stay there...up on top of your palate....press and stroke....switch off with red fish candy, and juju beads.


And personally, I dont like 69. I like to focus. If I am going down on someone, they are not allowed to be preoccopied. I have complete control of their entire set of senses....they are to focus on what I am giving them and nothing else.

and when I am getting it...well...dont distract me .....I want to revel in the glory of the talents before me.

Besides, I am selfish. When i am getting it, I dont want to have to give too. I want it to be all about me. But then...I am like that...

all of this..is just MHO

Crack Monk

I'm not completely sure you're suggesting he should use porn as a learning tool, but if you are, I disagree. The female oral in porn looks like one of the most unpleasant experiences of life. It's like, a weird floppy tongue making as much spitty noise as humanly possible while doing very little valuable stimulation. THOSE TONGUES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE, MAN. And when they're not, they're doing some horrifyingly direct things to a clitoris that I personally could not handle.

Then again, my advice in general is "don't use porn as a guideline for any sexual act, at all, ever," so perhaps I'm a little extreme.

Beyond that, I don't have any good advice for this thread that hasn't already been given.

Plan9

Yeah, I've never (that I remember, anyway) had a partner that was like, "HARDER, FASTER, YEAH, ABUSE MY CROTCHSLOT!" so I don't know what I'm missing here. But I have had partners complain about too much direct clit speedbagging, overall aspeed, the least bit of facial hair, etc. Gentle with a medium piece (human vibrator) is what sane girls seem to prefer. Tasineah has made it painfully obvious that she is not sane. Which is cool with me.

And, as a minor threadjack, porn is primarily useful for getting off in 4.3 minutes when you're stressed and/or because your girlfriend makes sex some type of emotional chess game. The only way it serves as an educational tool is when you use it to pervert a girl into doing your favorite weird fetish. Granted, I've only just recently been in a relationship where my partner doesn't mind porn and actually enjoys some of it (HBO softcore is a gateway drug) for its visual stimulation, so my perspective is a bit skewed to the "shameful undercover wanker" side. Which is a lot of work, let me tell you.

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monkeysugar

Sometimes people just aren't into it on the giving or receiving end of things. Sometimes it's just a dislike, and sometimes there are reasons for it that they just may not be ready or willing to discuss or divulge.

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Anonymous Member

Thank you all for your responses, it's been good to hear a number of different views.

I think I still remain convinced that she enjoys oral sex, but not in the way that I've been doing it. I'm going to initiate it once or twice more over the next little while, with some of the techniques some of you have recommended, and see how she responds.

If she is still not in to it I'll sit down (afterwards!) and ask her kindly to indulge me in one last chat about it, and let her know that if she changes her mind, all she has to do is ask, but that I won't keep putting her in that position (excuse the pun). I won't ask her to convince me or explain anything further unless she volunteers, and I'll just leave it at that.

It's a bit embarrassing to admit that I've got myself into this rut by over thinking things, but it's my issue to deal with and it's not fair to insist that she 'prove' to me one way or the other.

Thanks again for all your advice :-)

curiousbear

OMG that gave me a hard on...

Enjoyed your practice tips...
And you are a damn good writer

Personally Giving Oral is still a fantasy. My SO never let that happen so far. But in my experience things always change.

Calypso15

I've had only two partners who went down on me and both times it sucked! Seriously. It felt like I was being chewed up...

DRP976

^ Yeah that.

Marshmellofluff

It happens. I'm not a big fan of oral, or any kind of direct clitoral stimulation. It can actually be very painful. If I can suggest an alternative? Finger her while kissing her around that area, inside her thighs etc. Same intimacy, a little more comfortable for very sensitive women.